Does anyone else feel that Christmas is full of family drama?

[Vix150]

I just want a nice Christmas but I feel as though I am upsetting everyone. It's our son's first Christmas this year but as my husband is a paramedic and having to work I thought I'd push it back a bit and have carbonara (my husbands favourite meal for when he comes home) on the 25th and then on the 26th a proper Christmas Day with presents, dinner etc ... Those who want to come are invited those who have other plans can get on with things that they want to do.
My parents are fine with this but my in-laws are very unhappy and have been very hurtful about it- they feel that my parents are getting to spend Christmas day with my son and that they are being excluded. However both sets of parents have been invited for carbonara if they want - my mum and dad said yes, my in-laws declined as that is not how they wish to spend Christmas day. Both sets of parents have been invited to our Christmas day on 26th, my mum and dad accepted, my in-laws declined as boxing day is about leftovers not another Christmas dinner.
I don't think there is anything I can do but I'm exhausted and upset from trying.

Why is Christmas so hard?

Op their behaviour disgusts me it's people like this who give in laws a bad name.
They are deliberately being difficult and yes utterly selfish.

Tell them or get dh to tell them " I'm sorry you don't want to spend xmas with us because we are not serving the food you want on either day. We totally understand you would prefer a traditional Christmas. Happy Christmas."

Then absolutely forget about these selfish mean fuckers and let them stew.

Awful behaviour from in-laws. IMO you're totally doing the right thing. Youve invited them, that's there choice to be stubborn and not come. Please don't change your lovely plans for people being unfairly huffy.

They sound bloody awful

Hi OP
I think your plan sounds great and you are VERY generous to offer to cook AND host 4 additional adults alone when you have a 1 year old baby!
I work in Healthcare and always have to work some days over the Christmas period
Unfortunately your IL's are being really selfish trying to dictate what happens, dont allow them too or they will except you to give in every year for the next 25 years! (I also speak from experience)!
You can call them out on it or ignore it or a combination of both but dont go round and round with it put your foot down and say subject is closed
I hope you have a lovely day

It's not hard and theres no need for drama. You invited them both days, and they declined. If they complain they aren't spending Christmas with you, you just reminded them that they declined.
No fuss, no drama. Don't discuss it.

It was our first Christmas with our little girl last year and my husband worked 8-9 my in laws were just pleased to spend time with me and little girl in the paired back way (first Xmas without my Dad so I was pleased with the company) but husband has worked for the last 10years so we're all kind of used to a different type of Christmas Day!

Sod your in-laws they've been invited and declined so let them crack on! Have a lovely Christmas the way you want!!

I spent far too many Christmas's fitting in with my now ex ILs , after I got divorced I insisted I was going to do things my way and after the initial upset, it's been brilliant.

My current DH is happy as long as me and our DC are happy thankfully. We're swapping Christmas Day and Boxing Day around, food wise, this year because it'll work better around SDC coming and going.

My advice is to stick to your plans, don't get stuck with having to do things a specific way, they're invited it's up to them to come or not.

I agree, I'd love your Christmas.

We have Christmas dinner with my sister on the 23rd. Nobody cares.

Just try to rise above it all and don’t worry if someone else is feeling left out or offended. You really haven’t done anything wrong at all. What sad act would insist that a whole day each year is dedicated to ‘leftovers’ …?

Most of them have never had a far flung family, or members who work over Christmas. I have worked most of my adult Christmases, so as a family, we have always been flexible as to where, when and with whom Christmas is celebrated and what constitutes "Christmas dinner".

My poor daughter is about to embark on her second year as part of a family that has inviolate "rules" about what Christmas looks like - it even involves watching films together rather than going to church. I can't imagine getting older and still demand that Christmas happens my way.

I learnt a long time ago that I'm not responsible for other people's feelings. I also learnt that there's only drama if you want to be involved, otherwise it's just background noise.

You've invited the ILs, they don't want to come and that fine. You're not responsible for how they feel about it and you don't have to be involved in the drama.

Your way of doing things is perfect. Your husband is out working and helping others on Christmas Day. His favourite meal sounds a lovely way to welcome him home after a long day. Who knows what he will have to deal with during his working day, he may not feel like celebrating when he gets home. The following day he can reset his mind and have a nice relaxing day with you all. You are doing your best and you are a loving supportive partner. If his parents want to opt out then so be it. They should be ashamed of themselves and their selfish choices.

This is an excellent summary.

stand firm @Vix150 or you'll spend the rest of their lives doing what they want

Ignore the drama. You are absolutely right to prioritise your paramedic DH over a pair of spoilt whiners. If carbonara is his favourite comfort food and you want to make it, that's what you should do. In any case, it makes a lovely meal any day of the year and is easier for you to manage with a little one in the vicinity than a roast and all the trimmings would be. My DH makes a veggie version of carbonara and sometimes we have garlic bread with it - he adds enough garlic to knock Dracula back into his coffin. 😋 You've offered your in-laws the same as your parents and if they don't want it, that's on them.

I think you're right. We're spread out globally, dad travelled a lot when we were young etc. And now we also have lots of people with different cultures and customs in our family. we embrace and love the differences.

There was a thread the other day about a man who was insisting on only going to Australia on boxing day because he thought christmas in Australia would be not christmassy enough. Blew my mind.

It sounds like you have been thoughtful of everyone and your ILS are very ungrateful and thoughtless. They don’t even seem to care that their son is working and would miss out on Christmas if you didn’t swap the days. You have invited everyone to everything and are going to reward your DH working Christmas Day to save lives with his favourite meal. Your plans sounds great.
If the in-laws want to cut their nose off to spite their face, let them.
Enjoy Christmas Day with the people who aren’t drama Llamas.

What you are offering is absolutely fine, it sounds like the inlaws issue so sod them. Im ambulance crew and partner is firefighter so we often change the day we have Christmas. This year we are both off Christmas eve so celebrating Christmas then. Then when my other half is at work Christmas day and boxing day we will stay with my family who live 45 mins away. You sound like you have really tried to accommodate everyone, if they choose not to accept then that is on them.

Sounds nice what you're doing to me

Your in-laws are being ridiculous. They can't like their own son very much if they want him cut out of Christmas with his own child!

You've invited them. It's their choice not to come. Just keep pointing this out. It's their choice.

Your invite, you do it how you want and it's up to others if they accept.

As mentioned above, I think you politely say you don't want to fall out with them, so it's an open invite, but would appreciate it if they're going to change their mind to let you know 2-3 days before Xmas, so you know how much to buy.

Personally, if it's a roast they really want, I don't see why they can't have that themselves at home and join you for the carbonara whenever.

My friend's DH is a lead nurse and regularly in over Xmas. They've always have a roast but accept it might be Xmas Eve and Boxing Day depending what's best around his shifts. Also, what they call a 'fireside tea', everything from M&S in front of log burner - ideally they do this before the roast.

I am sure you prefer if your husband was not working Christmas day but your making the best of the situation. You will have a dinner he likes at the end of his shift on Christmas day and you have a proper Christmas dinner and celebrations the following day.
If your pil can't accept your plans let them off. The reality is that when your adult children get married and have their own family things can and do change.

One of my friend is married and has a few children. This year her mother wanted her and her family to come to her house for dinner and stay for an hour or two after this. Her mother wants everything her own way always. My friend said no but asked her mother and another sibling to her house instead. Her mother did not want this. My friend said I know she is not happy but I does not suit me, my husband or children for a number of valid reasons.
Her mother now has other plans for Christmas day.

I am sure you prefer if your husband was not working Christmas day but your making the best of the situation. You will have a dinner he likes at the end of his shift on Christmas day and you have a proper Christmas dinner and celebrations the following day.
If your pil can't accept your plans let them off. The reality is that when your adult children get married and have their own family things can and do change.

One of my friend is married and has a few children. This year her mother wanted her and her family to come to her house for dinner and stay for an hour or two after this. Her mother wants everything her own way always. My friend said no but asked her mother and another sibling to her house instead. Her mother did not want this. My friend said I know she is not happy but I does not suit me, my husband or children for a number of valid reasons.
Her mother now has other plans for Christmas day.

I dont do xmas so i dont have any drama.
But i did once read somewhere that most divorce`s and break ups happen over this time of the year also family dramas kick of more.
So pleased i dot have to deal with all that crap.

In-laws have an invite. It’s up to them if they accept it and attend

Ignore and enjoy babies 1st Christmas. I wouldn’t do anything give it no more air time or head space. They are being rude, controlling and unreasonable. Why do they get to dictate everything?

Please please don’t give this another thought! You’ve been more than accommodating, you’re not even saying you don’t want to see them on Christmas day for gods sake. You’re just asking if the Xmas dinner can be on Boxing Day! They sound very selfish and immature frankly. They are also lucky to have a DIL who is including them in everything anyway! Drama drama drama , ignore it, it’s theirs, no yours. No one will agree with them!