How to disclose the truth about Father Christmas?

[NotathomeforChristmas]

Any advice or tips gratefully received, please!

We've got an 8 year old who is teetering on the edge of being a believer. Our 12 year old knows The Truth but has kept the secret faithfully.

8 year old's skepticism is growing all the time, and she is asking lots of questions (and has refused to tell us what she'd like for Christmas, insisting the letter is going directly to the North Pole without us seeing it...)

Do we tell her now, or try to hold on for another year?

I know there are some nice books about the "real magic" of Christmas being in the hearts of those who keep the story alive- does anyone have any specific recommendations please?!

An added complication is that we'll have our niece who is only 4 (in reception) staying with us the weekend before Christmas and I am wrestling between wanting my 8 year old to have the last Christmas as a believer, but not wanting her questions to let the cat out of the bag for our niece...

I have 8 and 10yo old daughter who firmly believe in father Christmas and I have no intentions of telling them.
I think by next Christmas the elder child will be aware and if she asks the question I'll tell her the truth.
I think most of the time they find out at school anyway

If she’s actually asking for the truth, I think you have to be honest. And I think 8 or 9 is probably about usual to know the truth. But you can tell her that she now gets to be part of the magic of bringing Father Christmas alive for her cousin. We told our dc the spirit of FC was real and that it was about surprising people you live with with gifts and once you worked it out you got to 'be santa'. So DD is now incharge of putting out the mince pies and carrots and sneakily takes a bit of each when I'm not looking which is daft but she likes it.

I agree with the previous poster. If she's asking then tell her the truth.

I'm personally not a fan of telling children before then. I mean why spoil it? There's such a rush to tell kids Santa isn't real and I find it a bit mean and narc-like. Adults don't like it when their beliefs are crapped on so why do adults do it to children? Most children already know by a certain age anyway and the ones that are happy to still believe at 8, 9, 10 or even 100 should just be left to their innocence.

As for going forward with the younger members of your family just tell your 8 year old it's now her responsibility to help keep the secret and keep the magic going for her cousin.

My daughter at 8 said 'I won't be angry or upset but I'd really like you to answer me honestly - is father Xmas real'

I was honest. The need for her to grow up trusting me was immense.

My other daughter is 15 and she just goes along with the magic and has never asked/commented (but obviously knows!) I always like to just say 'Santa is the magic for Xmas. And that is real'

You don't. They eventually ask and you answer "what do you think?" with a smile. If you have younger DC you can say that whatever they believe their younger sibling thinks Santa is real so they need to shhhhhhhhhhh.
My DC are 15 and 18 and I have still never actually answered the question is Santa real?

I have never had to tell any of my dc. By 8, other children will have told them, they will have read books that make it clear, and their common sense will have worked it out.

I was teaching a Year 1 class, and was asking what the children knew about Christmas*. It was meant to be a nativity lesson (RE). One child decided to share what he knew about F. Christmas. He was genuinely trying to be helpful. Most, if not all, of the children in that class metaphorically stuck their fingers in their ears. Because they knew, even if they didn’t want to.

*I never asked this question again. Not least because one child shared that an elf dies every time you open a door on an advent calendar.

Just answer the questions truthfully or ask 'What do you think?'.

Thanks everyone. If she came out and asked "Is Father Christmas real?" I would give her an honest answer. But at the moment, she is more investigating rather than accusing! So normally, I'd risk it for another year...

I just don't want the questions to inadvertently lead to the magic being spoiled for our niece (the complicating feature being that her mum passed away 2 years ago and it is just her and her dad, and so it just feels all the more important that this bit of wonder lasts for her)

Our 11yr old had worked it out last year but never said much then we had a chat and it came out. Last year when she questioned it my DH said do you want the magic to continue that’s what you want to think about and she said yes and he said there you go then. The tooth fairy she went on a wind up with that!

I have always positioned it with kids as it’s not real, but fun to pretend. Both of mine know that it is make believe, but one chooses to lean into the make believe a bit more heavily and we go along with it.

I have never been comfortable with actively fostering a belief in Santa- it feels really duplicitous. I have treated Santa the same as a belief in god (I am an atheist) in that while I make my own beliefs clear I also try not to shit on other people’s beliefs and leave the door open for dc to take a different perspective. If they ask directly if Santa is real I will say that I have my doubts but others seem to believe. If they ask where the presents come from I am more direct that they have come from me and their dad.

not believing in Santa doesn’t detract from the magic of Christmas in our experience- there is still plenty to celebrate and get excited for. My kids are just as excited as their peers. They actively engage in the Santa story for fun, even if the know it is pretend - same as when they pretend fairies or unicorns. They can suspend belief and enjoy the Christmas narrative without me having to fake footprints or eat the reindeer carrots, I think there is more risk of ruining Christmas by being all in on Father Christmas and then having it all come unravelled when they are 8/9/10 and the charade cannot continue.

It’s so late in the year op- you tell them now and it’s going to be at the forefront of the whole Christmas- it’ll be too fresh and then chances are they’ll find it hard not to talk about it (also 8 seems so young whether they’re pushing for it or not!)

I don't think it has to be a conversation where you say 'no he doesn't exist and it's all been a lie.' My DS 10 has said to me this year that he's not sure he exists as his friends are saying he doesn't and I said 'what do you think?' as PPs have said. He wasn't sure and he then he asked me if I believe and I said 'yes I do because every Christmas we see him everywhere'. I also said if he believes he exists then he does for you. It doesn't matter what others think. I think there comes a time when they know yes he doesn't come down the chimney and that the Santa who came into school is so and so's dad...but they can still be excited by the thought of it and the magic of it all.

we think out 10yo knows, if she dose she’s the same age as our oldest when she accidentally found out, she was devastated at the time as Christmas is her favourite time of year, still is, but now she gets to share some of the grown up magic.

Id not tell her unless you have to, I manage to keep the magic alive for an extra couple of years by dodging a few tricky situations and I’m glad I did.

Try and recruit your 12yo on the Santa list.

I start conversations with friends and other kids, o joey what are you asking Santa for? See if my dd volunteers anything. I even peeked at a list one year. For the most part my DDs are fairly transparent and it’s not hard to know what they want. My 12yo happily keeps me in the loop as she loves being part of the secret.

@NotathomeforChristmas the truth is that Santa/Father Christmas evolved from St Nicholas - who was a real person a long time ago.
So tell them that.

I would never spoil the magic. 8 is still very young. Each to their own but I haven’t told mine and I won’t .

@Matildatoldsuchdreadfullies my youngest DS worked out in year 1 that Santa is not real. I think most older kids who "believe" are just playing along really. No one who is ready for secondary school can seriously believe in elves and flying reindeer. Kids figure it out and letting it happen organically is probably best. You can still have a lot of fun with Santa after everyone grows out of thinking he's real.

This 100%
These threads baffle me.

I’ve never told mine and they are 14 and 16! Even now when they say “mum obviously we know it’s you” I just say “do I look like Santa? I don’t have a beard!”

Unless they 100% ask you to tell them seriously I would play along for as long as possible.

I have a secret to tell you about Christmas. I think you are old enough to know but you have to promise to keep my secret if I tell you. Did you know that Saint Nicholas (aka Santa) was a real person living in Europe thousands of years ago? He was a real man who gave gifts to the poor. He had a reputation for surprising people with gifts, and when he died he became a Saint.
In his honor, parents keep a secret every Christmas night. Around the whole world parents buy gifts to surprise their children and put them under the tree just as St Nicholas (or Santa) would have. It’s a magical moment around the world, and when children are old enough they get to be in on the tradition. Now that you are old enough we need you to help us pass this tradition along to little children everywhere.
Now that you know, you will still get presents under the tree at Christmas. But you now know that your parents are the ones who buy the gifts and wrap them for the tree and stocking.”

Son: "Dad, I think I'm old enough now. Is there a Santa Claus?."

Dad: "Ok, I agree that you are old enough. But before I tell you, I have a question for you. You see, the “truth” is a dangerous gift. Once you know something, you can't unknow it. Once you know the truth about Santa Claus, you will never again understand and relate to him as you do now. So my question is: Are you sure you want to know?"

Brief pause...

Son: "Yes, I want to know."

Dad: "Ok, I'll tell you: Yes there is a Santa Claus."

Son: "Really?"

Dad: Yes, really, but he's not an old man with a beard in a red suit. That's just what we tell kids. You see, kids are too young to understand the true nature of Santa Claus, so we explain it to them in a way that they can understand. The truth about Santa Claus is that he's not a person at all; he's an idea. Think of all those presents Santa gave you over the years. I actually bought those myself. I watched you open them. And did it bother me that you didn't thank me? Of course not! In fact, it gave me great pleasure. You see, Santa Claus is THE IDEA OF GIVING FOR THE SAKE OF GIVING, without thought of thanks or acknowledgment. When I saw that woman collapse on the subway last week and called for help, I knew that she'd never know that it was me that summoned the ambulance. I was being Santa Claus when I did that."

Son: "Oh."

Dad: "So now that you know, you're part of it. You have to be Santa Claus too now. That means you can never tell a young kid the secret, and you have to help us select Santa presents for them, and most importantly, you have to look for opportunities to help people.

The way I see it Father Christmas, Santa , Pere Noel etc flying around on a magical sleigh is as credible as some powerful entity sitting on a cloud who created the entire world.

Now personally I "believe" in the concept of both . The basic premise of FC is that if you are kind to your immediate family then you will be rewarded with gifts which as a parent is a great concept.

Equally the basic premise of Christianity at Christmas is to be kind, help and support those in your local community who may be having a tough time which again is a great concept.

Trying to demolish or dismiss either of them with a scientific critique of the feasibility of flying a magical sleigh around the world in 24 hours delivering presents or the scientific feasibility of creating an entire planet with an eco system in 6 days coldly overlooks the good that both do.

So on the basis of trying making the world a better place and people happier (either at a family or community level) then I'm a firm "believer" or "supporter" of both FC and JC.

I’d lie and keep it going another year with the knowledge that this probably is the last year of her truly believing. I was 9 when I point blank asked and my mum told me the truth. Even though I’d asked outright and was old enough to know, I was still gutted. Part of me really wanted it to be real. That first Christmas without Santa was hard going and I felt the lack of magic. I only say this because just because kids test the waters doesn’t meant they necessarily want to really know the truth.

I think anything 8+ is probably fair enough but also there is no harm in keeping it going for an extra year or two. My DC1 is 6 and I’m already dreading the day when they discover it isn’t real!

I worked it out when I was 6 as I knew my mother wouldn't allow a strange man in the house at night but I didnt let on for a while. I don't believe in deliberately lying to children especially when they have asked a question.

@GiveMeAbitOfSugar Congratulations. You are Christmas spirit personified. Thank you for both of your incredibly helpful posts.

What a great way of looking at it. I love this and I suspect my 12 year old will get it, too. Thank you!