On who does responsibility for planning Christmas fall?

[Fairyduster24]

Anyone else feel sometimes that the weight of planning Christmas falls squarely on their shoulders? My husband is a lovely man and does his bit in all other areas of life but with Christmas he just rocks up on the day and enjoys it!

Anyone else in a similar boat?

When I try to explain the mental load to him I feel like I sound a bit bonkers because it does all sound a bit minor (ie. What presents/stocking fillers should we buy the kids and what should we buy for your Mum). He helps when I ask him for his view but there is no initiative. I think part of the problem is he isn't a big gifts guy for himself or others, but that is kind of a big part of Christmas. Likewise all the Christmas Day out planning is done by me. He is a good cook and will help with a shop and with cooking/hosting when we are hosting. It's all the other stuff.

Well why are you martyring yourself? Simply say 'DH, I'm not buying gifts for your Mum, sister/brother/nieces/nephews from now on, please ensure you plan and shop in advance of they won't have anything'. Simple no?

It's all me but I like it that way cos I'm a control freak and I love Christmas, planning and organising, and present buying!

That doesn't help you however.

If you don't want to do it all, don't! Spell it out to him. 'I need you to do X, Y and Z this year because I do it all every year and don't want to anymore'

Maybe you are right! But then I know he will be doing it (if at all) on Christmas Eve, when I would prefer us to be doing something else as a family. I think this is something I probably already deep down know the answer to. To choose what I would prefer, either organised Christmas that I essentially sort out or less to do but have the stress of watching that situation play out!

You need to stop doing things for him.
It should be your DH buying presents for his family.

I think it would hugely help if I got a bit of recognition for it. I don't think he really sees it as a job that needs to be done. More like it's my hobby!

And don't get me wrong I love Christmas. I have Adhd though and so find planning quite difficult.

Out of curiosity do all you partners buy their own presents for their families?

Me, but I love it and it plays to all my strengths and is also one of those things DH is wildly and out of all proportion grateful for because he finds it so very hard. I was at an online conference this week and during a session that wasn’t massively relevant to me I bought all his family presents. You would have thought I’d giftwrapped a kidney.

Please don’t stress and worry about Christmas. Do the bits you find fun, outsource to him directly the bits you feel are necessary but not fun. I do think things need a project manager (I’d be annoyed if DH presented me with a load of stocking fillers for the kids for instance because I would also have bought stocking fillers) so if that’s going to be you then you get the perks of just doing the bits you like.

DH and I divide the present buying, food shopping, travel arrangements etc between us - no way would I ever take on the majority of the preparation. Why would I!

I do my family, he does his. We do kids presents together (shared list of ideas), once it’s ordered or bought it gets crossed off. We decorate the house together. Food drink shopping is a shared list, usually an online order and then he picks up the rest from a physical shop. I cook whilst he entertains (love that bit of time to myself!), then he does all the washing up. I think it’s pretty even, we’re happy with the split which is the main thing.

Yes!!
He might ask my opinion or I might suggest something if I see an item one of them might like but he buys presents and sorts cards.

So just don't be stressed about it... leave it to him. If he leaves it til the last minute, don't get involved, go do something fun with the kids. Ensure his family know he's now sorting their gifts every year.

Look, fact of the matter is some men are selfish, lazy arseholes when it comes to stuff like this. Youve not had recognition for it for all these years, why would he start now? And if you have to ask him for recognition, is it really sincere?

Just stop it!

I do my family, he does his. We decide on the kids presents together. The only thing I take all responsibility for is wrapping because I'm obsessive about how it looks and he would shove everything in a gift bag if he had his way. We plan the food shop together but I do it because I'm at home more. He does most of the cooking because he enjoys it more than I do.

"But then I know he will be doing it (if at all) on Christmas Eve"

This is completely normal. I think it's in a man's DNA to panic buy at the last minute.

Let him do that then you can big him up by telling everyone he did it all himself this year. Watching the shame/cringe/fake grin is the best xmas present a woman could ever ask for

He'll do the same next year as well and you get to repeat the whole process. Like Groundhog Day

My DH used to be terrible!

The turning point was me saying I'm not sorting your family presents out any longer (he moaned at me one year that I had spent more then he would spend...it was £30 per person!)

Since then he sorts his family, I do mine, he does advent calenders for the kids and I do the stockings. We both buy some of the children's Christmas list which they write mid November.

I still sort christmas activities as he just wouldn't bother (it's mostly attending free events but still sorting logistics or marking it on the calendar).

I always do the food but I do the food shop every week and all the cooking so there is no change there really and I hate building lego!

DH sorts his family out, I sort mine. It wouldn't even cross my mind to buy his side of the family gifts, just as he wouldn't think to buy my side.

Make a list of all jobs. Sit down and divide up jobs. The first year make sure he has nothing truly vital until he has proved himself!

I really don’t get women that fall into buying gifts for their husband’s parents or family. It seems crazy to me. My husband is thoughtful and has plenty of time to find nice gifts for his family.

He didn’t take on responsibility for my parents’ gifts when we married. And vice versa.

I do all presents for everyone except his parents and siblings (so I do all the nieces and nephews, friends kids, friends, my family and DS). He does everything to do with food and drink. We both decorate. I tend to plan Xmas activities because I love doing that.
It feels fairly even.

I have only ever bought presents for our young children and my own family, DH sorts his own families presents out just so much easier less stressful I know my own family and what they would like same for DH with his own family.

In terms of present-buying, I buy for my side of the family and usually for the dc and he buys for his side.

We both liaise with our families when deciding who's hosting and when. If we are hosting (which is usuallyfor several days, as family live a lon way away), dh does almost all of the food planning and cooking. I'm i/c tree-buying and decorations, except for the outside lights, which dh does. It all works pretty nicely and dh loves doing the cooking!

But then I know he will be doing it (if at all) on Christmas Eve

Well, lots of people do this. I think if you want him to do his share you have to accept that he can also choose how to do it (or at least his own bit).

Thank you so much everyone for the really helpful responses ❤

I know not the original topic of thread but if anyone has any tips for planning please do feel free to share. As mentioned I find it quite difficult. I'm guessing a list is something that would help me a lot! 😂

I buy for my family, he buys for his. I have very little to say to him about the presents he buys, rarely I'll see something I know one of his family will love. I tell him and then never mention it again.

It's all up to him. Last year was mega large for us, loads of extra people. I told him we need some decorating done and a bigger table for the day and some other stuff. Then I never mentioned it again. He did 90% off his own bat and it went well. If he hadn't say got the table, we would have eaten in shifts or on our knees.
I dont stress the small stuff, the extra people were his family and I wont be held responsible if it had all gone to shit or if he forgot presents or whatever.

He is an adult and he will behave as an adult or he is not welcome to share my life.