On who does responsibility for planning Christmas fall?

[Fairyduster24]

Anyone else feel sometimes that the weight of planning Christmas falls squarely on their shoulders? My husband is a lovely man and does his bit in all other areas of life but with Christmas he just rocks up on the day and enjoys it!

Anyone else in a similar boat?

When I try to explain the mental load to him I feel like I sound a bit bonkers because it does all sound a bit minor (ie. What presents/stocking fillers should we buy the kids and what should we buy for your Mum). He helps when I ask him for his view but there is no initiative. I think part of the problem is he isn't a big gifts guy for himself or others, but that is kind of a big part of Christmas. Likewise all the Christmas Day out planning is done by me. He is a good cook and will help with a shop and with cooking/hosting when we are hosting. It's all the other stuff.

I've kind of drifted into buying for DH's family - he used to do it all for his side, and he always bought for his mum, but she's no longer with us. I enjoy choosing and buying and wrapping and I don't have many relatives on my side.

This year however I'm stepping away from some of it and handing it back to DH. I overspent last year and I was irritated that DS got nothing from the only one of his grown-up cousins who has any money - DS didn't notice, but I did. I've got her some really nice things over the last few years, but now I'm leaving it to DH!

Mine does. I don’t like Christmas so I don’t do it. Even if I did, I’d leave his family gift buying to him. If your husband isn’t a Christmas person that’s fine, he shouldn’t be forced to partake. But you also need to let go and not do stuff if you can’t be bothered.

It’s me and my mum and tbh I wouldn’t want anyone else to do it. The rest of them can’t even work the dishwasher, and at least I know everything is done right. Although the can all cook, the whole array of festivities would be chaos if I left anyone else in charge, I can do organised chaos just not actual chaos 😜

My DH does his family and our DC! I just cover my own family. He's a big Christmas fan and a very good Black Friday bargain hunter. So it's better suited to his skill set!

Same here

I'm delegating this year though

Especially tough as our kid's birthdays are during the holidays too

Well that's part of the problem. What's wrong with using gift bags, which can be easily reused?

If you insist on doing things that are many levels past 'good enough' then it's on you to do. Likewise an overly elaborate Christmas lunch with several meats, stuffings, home made everything, Dec 1 boxes, Christmas Eve Boxes, special bedding, pyjamas and toilet paper etc etc. That is 'a hobby' rather than essential life admin.

But for the OP, if he does all of the food planning, shopping, prep and cooking and organises who's actually coming, that's a good contribution surely? Plus presents for his side of the family.

You do DC presents, your family, decorations and whatever optional Christmas nonsense you like. The Organised Mum has good tips on planning and getting things done so look on her social media for this.

We have always bought for our own, we jointly decide for DC and he wraps because he thinks my wrapping is shoddy (suits me, I drink wine, eat crisps and hold the sellotape). Just leave him to it, he’ll figure it out.

Yes of course. We sometimes discuss ideas, or he might say I think your dad might like this I saw , do you want me to get one. But ultimately we are responsible for making sure our own sides are covered!

Not sure why you’re being snippy with me. She asked, I answered. I have no complaints about doing all the wrapping because I love doing it. It’s hardly a hardship for me to stick on a Christmas movie and spend an evening doing something I enjoy is it.
Thank you for your kind permission to carry on doing the optional Christmas nonsense I like, I fully intend to do so.

I have never bought presents for DH family, they just give each other Amazon or John Lewis vouchers it's all very dull..

Can you not both work to your strengths? If you enjoy/ are good at planning Christmas then he takes on some of the other work?
eg whilst you are wrapping presents, he is cooking dinner?
Life doesn’t need to be equal to be fair.

This is how I look at it. My childhood Christmasses were fab, I wanted to create Christmas traditions for my children/our family. DP family no traditions. I took this on, gave established these traditions and they are now easy to recreate especially as you drop some as children get older.

I love doing elaborate wrapping, boring to some I know, but I love a well wrapped gift. I don't and never have done any present buying for DP, his family live overseas. As a consequence his family don't get any gifts (we don't get any from them either as children are older). DP hasn't even acknowledged significant birthdays such as 18. Yes, I think it's poor however it reflects on him not me.

Re food, I prepare what I can in advance. I also decided ages ago that we would do what we wanted for Christmas. The magical Christmases when the children are small are only a few years, not to be wasted running around after others. My family are not 'all muck in' types, more 'anything I can do to help' when there's a pile of washing up visible etc . It makes very stressed and bitter so I do what we want. Selfish some may say but I think others are selfish by their attitude.

Regards your DH. The message from me is this - do the things that you like and are important to you and you will feel in control. Leave his present buying to him and if his family come to stay tell him that he's in charge, you're happy to help but he takes control/plans etc.

Why don't you do the presents etc and he does food planning g & cooking for Christmas Eve & Christmas Day?

Write a list of all the Christmas tasks and put your name against the ones you're doing. Then hand him the list and he can sort out the rest of the tasks that need completing. You do not complete his tasks for him so on Xmas day if he's not done it then he can explain to the guests why they're having a wonky, half done Christmas.

Yes. My DH buys all presents for his side (Christmas and birthdays). I sort my side. It's worked well for us for 25+ years.

Fellow ADHD-er here! No tips on getting organised, because every single year I buy myself a lovely new notebook and pen to "plan Christmas" with and inevitably lose or forget about it within a week...

My trick is basically just starting really really early and following the same formula every year. Stockings have the same foundation each year (book, socks, orange, chocolate Santa, chocolate coins) and then I add a few personalised extras. By starting super early, I can pull out all the boxes and presents one evening at the end of November to do inventory and then plug the gaps.

Slightly different because the kids are mine and not DPs, so I take full control of them, but I don't touch his family stuff. He knows I'll add in plans to see them in the calendar if he organises it and gives a date and I don't ever buy gifts for them. Last year we didn't see them, but he isn't bothered to plan it so I'm not bothered about it either.

https://www.christmas-organised.com/the-best-apps-for-christmas-organising/

@LittleMissFuckUp

C'mon, we all know this is not going to work. He is not going to buy gifts and who is really going to sit there on Christmas day and hand out gifts to their side of the family knowing there are no gifts for DH's side. Awkward would not be the word. The OP is going to have to go out and get gifts last minute as their partner hasn't bothered. That is even more stressful

Thank you! Should probably have added that I have all of the apps and spreadsheets in the world. There's something about being organised in my personal life that my brain can't quite compute.

Was talking to my mum about it and she's very much the same; lean into the chaos and accept that there will be parcels lost until Easter...

In our house I do the presents and putting decorations up, DH does the food (all of it, meal planning, shopping, cooking) and most of the planning of things to do. Seems fair to me.

I think having to do everything when you're in a relationship with another functioning adult is ridiculous and unfair. Give him things to be responsible for!

As for organising, I love a list. I Start with a budget - list who I'm buying for and how much I allocate to them. Next to each name I scribble any interests I'm aware of or anything they like - then I google away for ideas within budget.
I then Make another list of things to do, like a master list (write cards, post cards, buy presents, wrap presents, food shop, any crafts, housework jobs (I like to clean the house before decorating), put decs up etc.
I also have a calendar so put dates in to get this stuff done - including a deadline to get the shopping finished, wrapping, any outings like cinema, light switch ons, meet ups with family etc.

All falls on me apart from the tasks I delegate to DH. But I prefer it that way because a) I LOVE Christmas and b) I am just better at organising stuff. Finding harder as I work full-time, travel a lot for work and it's high-pressure, and have small kids and teenagers so late starting this year but I really enjoy all of the prep and planning.

Mine does all the food shopping and most of the cooking and buys presents for me and other people if he sees something he thinks they'd like-particularly for ds because they both like techy things. I do tend to buy most of the presents because I love doing it. We advance plan-where,when and who- together. He accepts my spread sheet with a good grace!

Could you have a chat with him and say it feels like he doesn't care about Christmas and by extension, his loved ones including you?

We plan it all together I've found the more confident he has got the more he has enjoyed and become more inventive. There is definitely an aspect of laziness and a default idea that starts very young, unfortunately, that "a woman will come along and do it all for me"
Yuck
So early on in the relationship I said things had to change. He doesn't buy for his family (isnt close to them) that's his perogative but if he wants to celebrate with us then he needs to participate. I don't delegate jobs we discuss and divide. He does most of the food prep and cooking. He buys and wraps gifts he decorates he takes chatge on the Elves activities.

I have three boys, so it's so important they see a man/their father/role model wanting to be involved, caring about others and also having fun with it. The world has enough grumpy men that seemingly don't care about anyone else.