MIL dictating Christmas

[KristyG]

Just a minor issue really but I feel down and frustrated. Me and my partner have just had a baby and are looking forward to spending our first Christmas together as a family. We live only a couple minutes away from my partners parents whereas my family are an hour away. We decided that we wanted our first Christmas with our baby to be in our home and both sides of the family are invited. My partner was very excited about this too and even started planning how we’d decorate and what food to order. However, when we both asked our parents, mine happily accepted straightaway and his didn’t give a yes or no answer. He then left it a few weeks and asked his mum again yesterday who said that would be fine but you can all just come to ours instead. My partner phoned me asking what I wanted to do and I said I thought we’d decided we were having it? He then got angry and said well you’ll just leave me to do it all and it’ll be awful. I’m really down as we were both excited to host, have all our family and be at home with our baby but my partner now seems to have changed his tune because his parents have pretty much rejected our invite even though they live 2 minutes away. Not sure what to do now.

Well will you leave your partner to do it all?
Point out that with both sets of grandparents at your home, they will be able to keep an eye on the baby, and no doubt will enjoy Christmas cuddles with them, and then you and your partner will be able to share the cooking and hosting.

Why has your partner changed his mind? Sounded like it was all decided. You’ve already invited your parents so bit late to change everything now.

You say a very big fat NO.

No. I am not going anywhere on Christmas Day.

Honestly - short term pain, long term gain. Save yourself YEARS of shit and put your foot down, and MIL will sulk but she’ll learn that when you say no, you mean no, and when it comes to what you now do as your nuclear family is NOT up to her and she knows her opinion won’t be a priority.

Next year, she won’t even try, and you’ll have set out your stall.

There will never be a better time as you have the whip hand - you have the baby. This is what new parents DO - they start to make their own decisions as a new little family of their own. Don’t let her swoop in and wreck that before you’ve even started.

And you say all this to your partner too. Does he want lovely happy family Christmases? Then he backs you, his partner, with what you want to do together. Does he want you to start feeling antagonistic towards his parents trying to take over, and cause strife between you? Then he runs to mummy and agrees with her. Will he have to do more this Christmas WHEN you host? Yes. He’s a parent now hosting in his own home - um, isn’t that how it should be, or was he intending to play man-child for the rest of his life with either mummy or wifey doing it all? Tell him straight - my parents were happy to respect our wishes and come here. Your mother tried immediately to bulldoze. And that’s why, if you’re not keen on hosting as a father and would rather be a child, I’ll be going with my baby to see my parents on Christmas Day.

Sounds like MIL has been in his ear “ no no you don’t want to do that, hosting is terribly difficult, coming here is a much better idea”

Let him calm down and then talk it through - repaint that lovely picture of spending it together and how you’ll divide up the jobs.

You will have this argument every single year if you don’t agree as a partnership now.

Oh and also…

’Goodness, if your mother is going to try and take over like this and is going to have so much difficulty not being in control now that we have our own family, I can see that we’re going to have a move a LOT further away from them if we don’t want to fall out!’

Is she dictating or just suggesting?

Have you ever hosted Christmas before? I get that you are disappointed but don’t you want to enjoy spending time with your baby on her first Christmas? Hosting is a lot of hard work. Could you compromise and host a buffet on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, or breakfast and presents on Christmas morning then everyone head to your MIL’s?

I get dictatorial MILs (if she is) but having hosted 12 on my PFB’s first Christmas (after my dictatorial MIL dumped it on me at the last minute) my advice would be don’t do it! 😂 Especially if you are breastfeeding.

But your parents have enthusiastically accepted. Are they now expected to schlep to your in-laws house as their guests now (which will be a very different dynamic for them)

you say NO, we were looking forward to our first Christmas in our own home with our baby. Baby won’t remember it but, frankly, I wish I’d stayed in our own home when our children were younger. They want to be at home, with their new toys, not paraded around the grandparents. Set the precedent now.

He then got angry and said well you’ll just leave me to do it all and it’ll be awful.

I would want to unpick what he means by that. I’d be devastated if my husband said that-it wouldn’t be true for a start! Your MIL can demand what she wants but if you’ve got a husband who is on your side, it just won’t happen, yours doesn’t seem like he is.

<cracks knuckles>

Been there (although multiply the distances many-fold) and have the scars to show for it. Until this year (and only because MIL's feeling the strain through age and has said she can't do it anymore) Christmas has been a time of anger and upset and disappointment and frustration and, frankly, misery because she insists on having it at her house, I insist on having it at my house (everyone welcome) and my DH is stuck in the middle. (My parents live thousands of miles away and we've never seen them for Christmas 😥). It's been awful, every single year (and it's been many years). I just don't want to spend every single Christmas at her house when I don't want to, need to, and can do a much more enjoyable job myself (they're very welcome to come to us, always). She just want to play Lady Bountiful, the uber-matriarch, at all times.

Don't be me. Don't waste those years and those Christmases.

While your baby is little I would go between your parents' house and your in-laws' house. Your parents deserve to see you and their grandchild as much as your in-laws do. Just look at the bright side: no need to host, no mess in your house, just being hosted. The travel is worth not having to host your parents and in laws at the same time given how close they all are.

When your child is old enough to express an interest, be more forceful.

Do either of you and DH have siblings? You'll have to take them into account too.

Basically, all grandparents should have someone around them whether in their house or someone else's, and no grandparent gets to dictate. NO GRANDPARENT GETS TO DICTATE.

As for dealing with your DH, I can honestly say that Christmas is the only tension in my otherwise happy and harmonious marriage. I don't blame him, but there's nothing I can do about it (being a doormat isn't an option for me). I take succor from the fact that I'm the one being totally reasonable and MIL is mental (many threads on MN over the years about her).

Where has this idea he has to do everything come from? If he’s only mentioned this since speaking to MIL has this been her input?

I’d let him calm down then return to the original plan, and how your parents have already accepted, and that as you’d agreed you’ll do it together.

Don’t change the plans now, there’s absolutely no reason to!

This!!!

I don’t think it’s fair on your parents. They have accepted your invitation so stick to that even if MIL chooses not to come.

Oh I didn't see your parents have already accepted your invitation! Well, that's that then. You can at best pop round to in-laws after your parents have left (good luck with that, with a baby), but the agreed-upon plan has already been put into motion. Tough titties to your MIL: she can join you, or not. Christmas IS happening at yours. She can't fucking rearrange your parents' plans!

Tell the MIL NO. You are having Christmas at home. They are welcome to join you but if the choose not to you understand and you'll see them on the another day that's mutually agreeable. You need to stay firm and your DH needs to grow a backbone otherwise MIL will dictate every Christmas/ Easter / birthday ect.

We used to alternate Christmas and boxing day between our parents. Christmas was miserable. It was just a lot of running around. That stoped during COVID and we haven't started it again. We have a family Christmas day just the 4 of us. We still run around visiting but just not on Christmas day.

Stick to the original plan - she's been invited so it's up to her whether she comes or not. I'm sure everyone will help out on the day!

To be honest with a baby all you are really going to want is to escape the chaos and go for a walk around the block with the pram and then take a nap.
Do you really want to do all the cooking, hosting and what not?
As long as your parents are included in the invite to your in-laws then go there and let her get on with it.
Your baby won't care which house you are in.

You say - thanks MIL for the generous invitation. Unfortunately we have made plans and invited my parents which we want to stick to but you are still welcome to join us IF you change your mind. If they say no then perhaps consider joining them for a pre lunch drink or even evening drinks

Soon after having a baby is a great time to slip in personality changes that work for you. Become a person that says and does what you want at Christmas from now on.

Why does you DH think he will have to do everything? Is it because you will be tied up with the baby or does he usually do all the hosting? If you were having Christmas just the three of you it would be fine but you might find hosting all those people overhwhelming and not the cosy Christmas you imagined.

Just have it at home the three of you , ask them for Christmas tea if you want to see them but now is the time to set the ground rules - have a limited lunch if that suits you , order a Chinese or Indian if you fancy that !

He then left it a few weeks and asked his mum again yesterday who said that would be fine but you can all just come to ours instead

Sorry I can’t see how your MIL is dictating at all? Surely you just reply “thanks but we’ve already made plans so we’ll be having it here, you’re welcome to join” and leave the ball in her court - I don’t see the issue as she’s literally said “that would be fine”.

The problem here seems to be your husband, why the hell does he think you’ll leave him to do it all? I’d want to get to the bottom of that.

Message mil

hey, thanks for the invite on Xmas day but I had already invited my parents and they have accepted. You are still welcome to come here? Xx

You DP can technically do what he likes.

As can his parents which mean if they don't want to come then they don't (makes your job easier really).

You do not have too do anything and neither does your baby.

Hell or high water wouldn't drag us up and out on Xmas day (Im not sitting uncomfortable in someones crowded house, where I have no control, especially with a new baby).

Adults throwing hissy fits demanding others bend and do stuff can get in the bin. As long as you are happy for them to not come thats fine, you invited and they have the choice but they cannot 'make' you do anything. Have a nice Christmas at home with the people who do show up and ignore those who don't but do not bough as it will set the rod for your back ongoing.

I have never in my life gone for a walk then nap at Xmas and I have had 3 kids (one the same gap to Xmas as OP if hers is new right now) or wanted too.

I CERTAINLY wouldn't want to be stuck at someone elses house though. Imagine thinking feeling so shit you have to leave and go for a wander the streets is normal and feeling tired when I don't have my own bed and when I have to be a guest and play social entertainment... sounds like a bloody nightmare.

We decided when DS was born that we would always spend Christmas at home. We're happy to host whoever would like to come but we will not leave the house. DS is now 13, some years its just the 4 of us, others there have been as many as 14. You just have to mean what you say and arrange to see other members of the family at different times.