MIL dictating Christmas

[KristyG]

Just a minor issue really but I feel down and frustrated. Me and my partner have just had a baby and are looking forward to spending our first Christmas together as a family. We live only a couple minutes away from my partners parents whereas my family are an hour away. We decided that we wanted our first Christmas with our baby to be in our home and both sides of the family are invited. My partner was very excited about this too and even started planning how we’d decorate and what food to order. However, when we both asked our parents, mine happily accepted straightaway and his didn’t give a yes or no answer. He then left it a few weeks and asked his mum again yesterday who said that would be fine but you can all just come to ours instead. My partner phoned me asking what I wanted to do and I said I thought we’d decided we were having it? He then got angry and said well you’ll just leave me to do it all and it’ll be awful. I’m really down as we were both excited to host, have all our family and be at home with our baby but my partner now seems to have changed his tune because his parents have pretty much rejected our invite even though they live 2 minutes away. Not sure what to do now.

Never have I heard so many people say “ We don’t leave the house on Christmas Day since we had chn” as on Mumsnet! How boring. I love taking turns with family.

@housethatbuiltme I used to use the "baby is fussy so I'm going to go for a walk" excuse to get out of watching the Corrie Christmas special and the fact the smell of the Cooking drives me nuts 😂
You have a point though. It is nicer to be at your own home. I was just thinking whether the OP really wants to have to do the hosting when she has a baby. That's the part I think sounds exhausting!

Stick to your guns then it will be next year and all the following years to say you’re staying at home and either set of parents are welcome to join you.

Careful what you wish for! Years of hosting!!

Your parents have already accepted the original invite so it’s now done and dusted, already arranged!

Interesting so either he's cross because he can't say no to mum and he's frustrated at her and himself or... He has turned on you and decided he will have "do it all" ( which is what most women do year in and out...).

Op your parents are already coming so your hosting them in your house and he can pop round to mum with baby at some point.

This could've been me 20 years ago

We jointly made the decision not to travel at Christmas once our first child was born. Mil went along with it for 1st year - begrudgingly

Next year, threw all her toys out of her pram & complained that she just wanted everyone round her table for Christmas.

We stuck to our guns, everyone was welcome to us but we weren't going anywhere else for dinner.

Over the years she caused havoc every year as she tried to change our decision or orchestrate things so the kids were at hers for dinner.

20 years later, I'm non contact with her.

You need to sort this with your dh so your both on the same side or he'll flip between you & her every time

I don't see it as MIL massively overstepping - it sounds like she's offered to host you and your parents so you don't have to on your PFB first christmas and trying to be helpful.

My mom offered the same this year.

It was a simple 'no thanks, i'd prefer to be a home - so you're more than welcome round here, along with the other set of grandparents'.

My mom was like 'ok no worries, we'll be round when you want us to be'.

Sounds like you're husbands just seen a way of not having to do the work and getting lazy more than anything (my husband did exactly the same - and was promptly put in his place)

Don't host .... "gather together".
They are family, muck in together. Take what you like doing, farm out the rest. My MIL made the best stuffing and got pigs in blankets from her lovely local butcher... so she brought those. Dad made the best gravy, he did that. Mum made great roast veg, she did that. So they all got invited to help ... with present opening and tidy up, with meal prep... someone always helping out in the kitchen, and grandads (traditionally in our house) sorting out the debris and putting on the dishwasher. Everyone bought a pudding and nibbles for "tea" and they all left in time for me to relax with hot chocolate and a book.

Would just tell them that you want them to share your Christmas, and need some help from them to run it smoothly. People like feeling wanted and seem to like being asked to help.

Come on OP, don’t leave us hanging. Did you talk to your husband?

MIL is not dictating anything.

You and your partner are not communicating with each other properly and when you apparently have made a decision together, he's a wet lettuce who doesn't say no to his mother.

She hasn't dictated this. He has just rolled over and said "sure Mum".

This also isn't about Christmas.

THIS!

You need to set some boundaries for the future and this is the best time to start.

Whereas I find driving between 3 set of grandparents boring when we could be at home playing with the new toys. I love staying at home.

It doesn't sound like your MIL is dictating anything - your husband is.

I think your mil wants to do it and he doesn't want an argument with her. I would say you want Xmas at home and if mil doesn't want to come fine. If he's worried about hosting then just have it the 3 of you.

He’s turned on you because he doesn’t want the stress of saying no to his mum. She’s probably fed him the line about him doing it all so that he’ll go along with her suggestion.
She sounds manipulative and he’s being unfair. Don’t let them grind you down. It’s perfectly reasonable that you’ve made this plan.

Unless you want to spend every Christmas at your MIL’s you need to stand firm.

Why did you partner say you’ll leave it all to him? Is that a legitimate concern or is it coming from his DM?

Was the plan for your partner to do everything? If so he has a point, you being excited when in reality it's down to him makes things different to if you are sharing the prep and cooking.

Say to your husband "I want to be at home!"

Is DH imagining being waited on like a King by his Mother vs. having to host and wash up, prep veg etc at home and just taking the easy option?

Would your parents be comfortable in someone else's home?

I swore when we had children they would not be dragged anywhere Christmas Day, it’s a day for them to be in their own homes enjoying their new toys.

The only time we have not stuck to this was when my DF died just before Christmas, all of us spent it with my mother.

Stand firm, do what you want to do for your family, if others don’t accept your invite that’s down to them. You can see other family around Christmas time if they don’t want to come to you Christmas Day.

Maybe MIL wants to help (trying to be positive). So ask them to bring puddings or whatever? Make it work for you. They can all help with washing up etc

MIL doesn’t want to leave her comfy home. That’s fine, but she shouldn’t then make you change where you plan to be with your small child.

@BeyondMyWits that would be my dream!
Each person bringing what they do best and no one is over burdened or financially stretched.

Unfortunately that would never ever be possible with my Mil because she has to dominate and be the best.

Would your parents come and help out with prep and clearing up etc? And get them to bring something to lighten your load? I'd be asking them to come over earlier than any ILs and helping. I'm sure they'll be happy to spend more time with you and your baby. MIL is stropping because she isn't getting her way - too bad. Do what is best for you and your baby. At your place, you can duck out to feed or put baby down, or just have a break! Sounds lovely