MIL dictating Christmas

[KristyG]

Just a minor issue really but I feel down and frustrated. Me and my partner have just had a baby and are looking forward to spending our first Christmas together as a family. We live only a couple minutes away from my partners parents whereas my family are an hour away. We decided that we wanted our first Christmas with our baby to be in our home and both sides of the family are invited. My partner was very excited about this too and even started planning how we’d decorate and what food to order. However, when we both asked our parents, mine happily accepted straightaway and his didn’t give a yes or no answer. He then left it a few weeks and asked his mum again yesterday who said that would be fine but you can all just come to ours instead. My partner phoned me asking what I wanted to do and I said I thought we’d decided we were having it? He then got angry and said well you’ll just leave me to do it all and it’ll be awful. I’m really down as we were both excited to host, have all our family and be at home with our baby but my partner now seems to have changed his tune because his parents have pretty much rejected our invite even though they live 2 minutes away. Not sure what to do now.

Now is the time to stick to your guns. 'I want to make new memories with our family in our home and my parents have already accepted.'

Did the MIL even give you a reason?

My MIL pretended three days before Christmas she 'didn't realise' it was at ours despite it being agreed months earlier. Just stick to it.

Has MiL rejected your invite or just offered to host if it's easier for you? Why does DH think all the work will be down to him?

I think you need to to stick to your guns BUT honestly I think transitioning to hosting your own Christmas works better when DC are a bit older.

For the first couple of years when you have BF babies, who need to be held a cuddled and don’t feel sad to be leaving toys behind, going to someone else’s is a joy. Then when they’re a little older you can take the baton.

Time to make your own traditions for you and your children.

I realised our first year married (literally about 6 weeks, no kids) that Christmas in DHs family was a constant round of going to different people's homes on different days right up to new years eve. No opportunity built in to see my family!

Listen to the vipers, this is a hill to die on!

Tell DH you will be sticking to the original plan. If he wishes to miss his baby’s first Christmas so his mummy isn’t upset, he can fuck off there.

Stand your ground.

Yanbu to want to have Christmas in your home and yanbu to refuse to go to mils.
But why does OH think he’ll be left to do it all? Either he thinks you are lazy (which I very much doubt!) or someone has been in his ear about hard it will be hosting with a new baby.
obvs I don’t know what your in laws are like but is it possible they’ve offered in a kind way like ‘why don’t you all come here and you can relax while we play host?’.
How this was pitched will determine how you decline if that’s what you decide to do, but I would unpick with OH what he meant by his comment.

Does your DH have any siblings/other family they usually see on Xmas Day? It sounds to me like you have decided to host Xmas with both sets of parents without considering if either one might want to see other family members. It also sounds like PIL are trying to make the best of the situation without excluding anyone by inviting you ask to this house.

Where would you usually spend Xmas Day? It sounds like your DH desperately wants to spend Xmas Day with his parents this year which is probably why he made the comment about leaving ask the work to him because he’s justifying why he’s changed his mind about hosting.

Unless you and your DH are both only children there are going to be Xmases when one of you doesn’t get to spend it exactly the way you would like. I don’t think he’s being a d**k I think he just wasn’t expecting his parents not to accept the invite.

Stick to your decision, I don't know how old your baby is, the younger the easier it is to adapt the routine but my lo is 9 months and has 2 naps, I do not want to have to be working her round someone else's plans so we are staying at home this year, people are welcome to us but I want to be at home have dinner when is suitable for us etc. plenty of years ahead to go elsewhere. Anyway what does your partner expect your parents to do? Uninvited them? Or tag along to his parents? I mean unless they are closed your parents could feel awkward in that situation l, I know mine would

I would say to mil ‘that’s very kind to offer however we have invited both sets of parents and mine have already accepted to come here. We would love to have you if u can make it but if not we understand’ and reiterate to Dh that u had ageeed to be at home regardless of what parents decide to do

You've extended the invitation to your parents who have already accepted. Your MIL doesn't get to change everyone else's plans. If you bow to this one it'll be that way every year.

This thread is a bit weird.

MIL hasn't done anything wrong. Apparently she just said, that's fine, or you could all come to me? Trying to be helpful maybe in consideration of the fact OP and her husband have a small child? Evil bitch, offering to host people......

OP's husband perhaps doesn't like the idea of hosting Christmas, and to be fair he is a human being with just as much right to his preferences and opinions as OP is.

And yet all these posts urging her to bully and manipulate everyone into doing what she wants ..... It's really really strange.

OP's feelings and opinions are indeed important, but not more so than everyone else's. Can't she and her husband discuss it calmly and rationally and try to find a solution that suits them both?

Or must OP demand her own way like a toddler.....

I’d tell him we are having Christmas at ours, if by you’ll be doing it all you mean I look after our baby, then we could swap but also surely the grandparents will help with the baby. So tell your parents we would prefer to host baby’s first Christmas at ours with my parents coming too, would they like to lock it in?

We hosted Xmas a week earlier than Xmas day for MIL and co, for our first Xmas with DD. It was too much I felt with a newborn and regretted it. I ended up having to miss most of lunch because baby wouldn’t settle (I was exclusively BFing). We were both so tired and clean up was exhausting. DH was stuck hosting most of it and did a good job but it wasn’t enjoyable for either of us when we reflected on it.

We now visit family and help with washing up and all but it’s more fun for us to rock up than host!

I don’t agree your DH should just decide to have Xmas at MIL though. If you both committed to hosting then you both need to be on the same page.

This.

But with a softer side - there isn’t enough information to find out if your MIL is being incredibly overbearing or if your husband has pre-hosting jitters.

I strongly urge you to do what YOU want this Christmas. And that sounds like Christmas in your own home. Your DH will learn that hosting isn’t scary and your MIL will realise she isn’t the boss of you.

What to do know? Well, I would contact MIL and say your parents have already been invited and accepted and you hope that she will do the same. You are having Christmas at home. Then tell DH that it is what is happening and that you are hurt that he thinks you are so lazy that you won’t be doing anything. So hurt that you want to decide responsibilities right now. Make a list of what needs to be done and who is doing what. Make it clear he wouldn’t be doing everything.

Christmas is just a fancy, oversized roast chicken.

Can't she and her husband discuss it calmly and rationally and try to find a solution that suits them both?

OP isn't wanting to bully and manipulate anyone. They've already had the discussion you say above. Already had it and decided to host themselves. Her H was happy about it. No bullying or manipulation involved, until he tries to do it to her!

He's throwing her under a bus. Because he'd rather pick a fight with her and use emotional abuse tactics to get her to give in, change their plans and go to MILs, than say no to his mother and tell her him and OP are sticking to the original plan to host Christmas.

Both sets of parents have been invited and one set has accepted. Now is not the time to change the plans, he knows it, MIL knows it. It's toxic family dynamics of them to even try. No one is suggesting OP does any bullying or manipulation. Lots are suggesting she stands firm and upholds the boundary she (and her husband) set about having Christmas in their own home. Nothing wrong with having boundaries. It's neither bullying nor manipulative to expect people to respect your boundaries.

We always stayed at home for Xmas, never wanted to trail the kids out, everyone was welcome to ours. It's about the people not the food. Your MIL only lives 2 mins away, why doesn't she do practical things to make it easier for you to stay at home, like make some of the food and bring it round. Youre husband needs to back you on this. Enjoy making happy memories .

Kids don’t need to be ‘trailed out’ they can just travel to another house like they would on any other occasion. We always travelled and it was an exciting part of the day .

Tell him he’s welcome to go and see his parents alone, without you or the baby, and that you will be sticking to the original plan of staying home. Tell him his parents are still welcome if they want to come, and that he’s welcome to stay home or go at his choosing, but that you won’t be changing your plans for Christmas just because his parents want to do things their way instead.

Due my 3rd baby in the next couple of days.

every year we’ve run round for 2 days fitting in 3 sets of parents

after DC2 was born I said I wouldn’t be travelling in the morning (November baby) but that my in laws could come to us (because every Christmas I’m the one running round and driving everyone about as well)

this year my mums moved 1.5 hours away and said she’s not travelling on Christmas Day but I’ve already said we won’t be going up there either

also said to DH that if his parents are coming round Christmas morning it’ll be later in the morning (last year they came at 9 and the kids didn’t get up until 8 so it was a mad dash getting ready and we were still getting dressed when they got here)

I’ve also said that they can come in the afternoon if that suits them better as this will be the first time in 8 years I won’t be leaving the house (and I’ve also decided because my other two were fairly good sleepers this one is going to be the devil and I don’t want to rush around 🤣)

In all honesty I’ve got happier the less I’ve travelled and the less I’ve tried to please everyone else 😂