Stepping away from big family Christmas

Hbh17 · 29/11/2023 11:10

You can say "no"! Just keep saying it, politely and on repeat.
You don't need to apologise or justify your choice. It's your decision to make, so just own it and have a lovely, quiet Christmas.

hiredandsqueak · 29/11/2023 11:53

Just tell them now before they buy the food that you won't be there for dinner this year but will pop in with the children later on. If they complain just say you want to start making your own family traditions now going forward and having Christmas Dinner in your own home is one of them. Don't be guilt tripped into backing down you are still offering to visit. Next year tell them you will visit Boxing Day.

Broodywuz · 29/11/2023 12:27

Blame the kids haha. Just say the kids really want to spend a bit of time at home on christmas day with their gifts so you're going to have christmas morning and lunch at home then pop over late afternoon. How far away are they?

Moredarkchocolateplease · 29/11/2023 12:33

But it won't be relaxing if you can't have a drink at lunchtime and have to get in the car after lunch will it?

We made a decision from being pregnant with DC 1 that we would only ever be at home on Xmas day. Either set of parents or both were always welcome to come for Xmas but we would never wake up somewhere else at Xmas.

Also Xmas presents and stockings are only for us and DC. If parents were staying they weren't welcome to join us until after we opened father xmas presents.(to be fair this was always by about 5am so they were still asleep!).

No. No. And no. Until they listen.

DaisyDoor · 29/11/2023 12:35

I would just work out exactly what you want to do and tell them (in a friendly way), no apologies or justifications. Eg “looking forward to Christmas- DH, the kids and I are going to have dinner at ours this year but we’d love to come round for a cup of tea at around 5 if that works for you.”

SeaToSki · 29/11/2023 12:53

You can say no, no one can reach inside you and make you say words. You just have to change your own state of mind and confidence enough to be able to say the words and make them stick (so withstand the emotional blackmail, drama, histrionics, fallout).

biostudent · 29/11/2023 13:17

We just say the morning is just for us and the afternoon we will visit family :)

Nonplusultra · 29/11/2023 15:30

You can control what you say (no) and what you do (stay home) and you have no control whatsoever over how your family will react.

They may get angry, they may guilt trip, they may cry, sulk or cut you off. They may demand your reasons and, if you choose to answer, they may then disagree with the value you place on those things. They may accuse you of ruining their Christmas.

But you can still decide to stay home anyway.

what does “making it impossible” entail?

idontlikealdi · 29/11/2023 15:32

You say no, we are having christmas at home this year, do you want to meet up on xmas eve / boxing day /whatever date instead.

It's liberating. Kids want to be at home and play with new toys / stuff not off visiting family.

Quitelikeit · 29/11/2023 15:36

Tell them this year you will be having Xmas day and lunch at home as a family of five - you could offer to organise a Xmas eve tea (3pm t 6pm) or visit on Boxing Day etc

The real issue is you are not assertive enough.

SuperSange · 29/11/2023 15:47

Just tell them you're staying at home on Christmas Day. What are they going to do; kidnap you? Just say no and keep saying no. It's simple.

civetcat · 29/11/2023 15:52

As others have said, tell them what you're doing and offer to see them another time.
Once you've had one Xmas with just DH and 3DC, it will set a precedent and be easier in future.
Practise what you're going to say to them, prepare for how they'll respond and don't get into detailed discussions (they'll be seeking 'weak' points).
I opted out of family Christmases years ago - there was some awkwardness but it was the right thing to do.

Topseyt123 · 29/11/2023 15:58

Of course you can say no, though people might not make it easy.

Perhaps say that you will be spending Christmas Day at home so that the kids can properly enjoy their new gifts, but you would love a family meal and get together on Boxing Day.

blacksax · 29/11/2023 16:00

Moredarkchocolateplease · 29/11/2023 12:33

But it won't be relaxing if you can't have a drink at lunchtime and have to get in the car after lunch will it?

We made a decision from being pregnant with DC 1 that we would only ever be at home on Xmas day. Either set of parents or both were always welcome to come for Xmas but we would never wake up somewhere else at Xmas.

Also Xmas presents and stockings are only for us and DC. If parents were staying they weren't welcome to join us until after we opened father xmas presents.(to be fair this was always by about 5am so they were still asleep!).

No. No. And no. Until they listen.

It is possible to relax without having to drink alcohol.

Moredarkchocolateplease · 29/11/2023 16:04

blacksax · 29/11/2023 16:00

It is possible to relax without having to drink alcohol.

Show quote history

Ha ha of course it is! And I do it often! But for us, Christmas day starts with a champagne breakfast, after 20 years I'd probably be a bit resentful of doing it differently.

I offer to drive on all the other Christmas days, but my champagne breakfast is precious!!

TillyTrifle · 29/11/2023 16:09

Moredarkchocolateplease · 29/11/2023 12:33

But it won't be relaxing if you can't have a drink at lunchtime and have to get in the car after lunch will it?

We made a decision from being pregnant with DC 1 that we would only ever be at home on Xmas day. Either set of parents or both were always welcome to come for Xmas but we would never wake up somewhere else at Xmas.

Also Xmas presents and stockings are only for us and DC. If parents were staying they weren't welcome to join us until after we opened father xmas presents.(to be fair this was always by about 5am so they were still asleep!).

No. No. And no. Until they listen.

Blimey! You actually made your visiting parents aware that they weren’t welcome to be present during gift opening?? I mean, there’s boundaries and there’s….this 😳

If they hadn’t happened to be asleep would you have told them they needed to stay in their room until allowed to come out once the presents were opened?! On the plus side I guess you wouldn’t have had to worry about guests wanting to come back the next year!!

Moredarkchocolateplease · 29/11/2023 16:11

Yes of course!! They had their turn watching me opening presents, it was my turn!

Agreed with DH.

And yes they stayed in their room with a kettle for tea and coffee!!

And they've had the last 16 Xmases with us so obviously not offended!!

Surely if it's your children you don't share the santa thing with other adults?! That's a personal family moment.

Derb · 29/11/2023 16:12

I was just honest and gave plenty of notice that "next year we're spending Christmas Day at home just us so no travelling". Then we just kept it up (third year now).

To be fair I do love our big family Christmases but I have young DC and we moved away so the travelling makes it difficult. I'm happy to stay home for the forseeable but happy if others want to come to us

LadyBird1973 · 29/11/2023 18:53

I'm all for spending Christmas at home and I'm pretty good at boundaries but I'd baulk at telling my parents to stay in their room until my kids had opened their presents! That's spectacularly hurtful and rude.
If you want it as a private family moment, maybe don't have guests?

OP, there comes a point when parents have to accept that their adult children won't be available to them for the entirety of Christmas Day and will have other plans and obligations and preferences. You are allowing them to infantilise you by not saying and doing what you want. Where is your husband in all this? Does he ever get Christmas with his parents or the Christmas he would prefer?

Parents can be very selfish sometimes in trying to cling on to their old traditions and not allowing their adult dc to make their own, without guilt tripping. But the only way out of it is to be brave and risk their sulking/emotional manipulation and not give in. Remember that you aren't doing anything outrageous, just making Christmas traditions for your own dc.

Pistolpunk · 29/11/2023 19:03

Many years ago when my 24 year old dd was 4 and I was expecting another I put my foot down and told both sides of the family that in future xmas was about the kids and they wouldnt be leaving their own home to go visiting and its been like that ever since. 20 years of xmas at home and I literally hibernate from xmas eve until the day after boxing day without having visitors or visiting anyone and its absolute bliss. It's quite, chilled and just lovely without the hassle.

My now adult children are having xmas elsewhere and have done xmas their own way since they moved out and it doesn't bother me in the slightest as one is working over the xmas period and the other having it at her own place with friends. Youngest still at home is looking forward to just a chilled quiet one. I see and catch up with friends and family before xmas but xmas eve, xmas day and boxing day I wont as not breaking my tradition 😂

Nowanextraone · 29/11/2023 19:15

I broke this tradition in my family. The expectation was that we were with my family every Christmas day and boxing day. It was torture. My mum is a narc.

When I said I wasn't doing Christmas 3 years ago, it was like I'd announced I was a serial killer. Christmas has been much better ever since though!

Parky04 · 29/11/2023 19:21

We have spent the last 27 years having Christmas on our own. Families weren't happy to begin with, but soon got the message! We visited them on Boxing/New years day instead.

Farmageddon · 29/11/2023 19:23

Nonplusultra · 29/11/2023 15:30

You can control what you say (no) and what you do (stay home) and you have no control whatsoever over how your family will react.

They may get angry, they may guilt trip, they may cry, sulk or cut you off. They may demand your reasons and, if you choose to answer, they may then disagree with the value you place on those things. They may accuse you of ruining their Christmas.

But you can still decide to stay home anyway.

what does “making it impossible” entail?

I agree with this - OP you need to learn to live with the uncomfortableness of their reaction.
They probably won't be ok with it at first, but if you hold strong and know that in advance you can prepare yourself.

mathanxiety · 29/11/2023 19:29

I'd give them a swerve for the whole day and visit on Boxing Day if I were you.

You'll find it much nicer.

I had a good excuse as it was a massive undertaking to schlep what was then three kids plus clothes for a week for us all plus Santa's gifts to the ILs who lived nine hours away by car, and then try to get home again with all of that plus everything we had all been given.

Just tell your family member who is hosting that you'll all be at home on Christmas Day from now on. When they protest, make no excuses (my MIL pooh poohed all my objections and couldn't see a problem), just shake your head and say you're sorry, it's not negotiable but you're looking forward to seeing them the following day.

Coconutter24 · 29/11/2023 19:32

“DH & I now have 3 children and all I want is to spend at least half of the day enjoying the day as a family of 5, having dinner just us and then do the family visit later in the day.”

This is exactly what we do, we used to have dinner with family and alternate between mine and DH then 1 year we just told families we’re having dinner at home and spending the day at home so the kids can enjoy their new gifts. We then visit at tea time for a couple hours