Stepping away from big family Christmas

[Coffeeandcocktails]

it seems ridiculous to even have to ask this, but how have people gone about stepping away from spending the entirety of Christmas Day with their families (parents and adult siblings)?

DH & I now have 3 children and all I want is to spend at least half of the day enjoying the day as a family of 5, having dinner just us and then do the family visit later in the day.

without describing 32 years of Christmas’ or going into all the crazy drama of my family, it’s just not an enjoyable nor festive day spent with them and they make it impossible to say or stick to “no”.

I just want some Christmas magic for my own family rather than spending the day people pleasing.

We stopped when the kids were little. We wanted to have Christmas Day at home, our way. The children could open their presents and play with them and we didn’t want to rush to get them dressed and drag them out.
Our rule became we will be doing Christmas at home, anyone was welcome to join us or we would have a family day on Boxing Day. Some years it was just us. Some years up to 20.
As the kids got older things changed and we would meet up with friends at the pub at lunchtime then take it in turns to host Christmas dinner at each others houses. My Dad or my brother and their mum would sometimes join us and it was lovely and relaxed.
Now my kids are grown and have their own family. Again we take it in turns as they have partners and other sets of parents to fit in. This year will be the first time I won’t see any of my children on Christmas Day. It’s fine, it’s just another day. They are coming between Christmas and New Year and that will be our celebration.
Things evolve. Make your own traditions. Yes Christmas is about family but it doesn’t have to all be condensed into one day where you try to please everyone and it becomes so stressful that you don’t enjoy it. Tell them you’ll be staying home this year. And relax.

😳

@Coffeeandcocktails do you battle with guilt over having boundaries? I ask because this is something I am actively working on and have been for a few years. Your words really resonated with me and I know it’s not easy.
My family are all minimum 2 hours away and I have additional step family it adds a layer of complexity as there is no popping in on the cards. My mum is the queen of guilt tripping and I physically tense up when Christmas starts getting discussed in !!August!!

Anyway something that really resonated with me when I have been trying to figure this out is : not to be driven by fear, guilt and obligation. You get to set your boundaries. Having my own child has helped, I’d go in to battle for them more than I would for myself.

when saying no, less is more. If you give reasons for your no, you are giving people problems they can solve for you.

A simple, ‘we are going to have a family Christmas dinner at home this year’ Will suffice.
But do it now as people will already be thinking of ordering meat etc.

I did this. I just declined dinner invitations and said we'd pop in. We now spend approx 10-1 with one set of parents (alternate each year) then come home and cook our dinner and have it around 6pm. It's much nicer! When dcs are older we may stay with family all day but for now this is better.

We had to have dinner on our own during covid and loved it so it’s our routine now, we visit our parents after dinner. If I was you I would just tell your family you will be there after dinner.

Loved Christmas dinner alone during Covid. No pressure, luxury items as only 4 of us. Bliss.

I do feel for so many people expected to travel miles and miles for hours and hours, particularly with small children, up and down motorways over Christmas in atrocious weather conditions for the sake of one day.

But nobody has to do that @Crucible . Just say what you’re doing and stick to it!

My family live far away (another country) but my in-laws are nearby. I think by the time we had our children and so did dh's sister, there were too many of us to sit round a table (comfortably). I don't think there was much if a fight about it tbh. I just said when pregnant with our second and last baby, that I would stay at home and make dinner for us and dh could take dc1 to see his family. I was tired and massive at the time and I'd also lost my mum at Christmas a few years before so it's a bit of a bittersweet time anyway. We've just never reverted to the big family day and I am quite happy about it. We do most of the day at our own house and then meet up with in-laws for mince pies, sausage rolls and drinks etc. Dinner is just us and my sister who is single with no kids.

I'd not leave anyone totally on their own at Christmas (unless I had a good reason), but I'm glad we get most of the day to ourselves.

Aye I know nobody has to, but often life means we do end up doing these things. Just an observation and some sympathy for those that are about to do this. OP I wish you luck.

An awful awful tummy bug did it for us the first year 😉 and after that it was so much easier to say that actually we rather liked being indoors. We sweetened the pill by offering a late afternoon/early evening visit for a board game, or a pre-lunch drink at either house.

Go in hard, then they'll be grateful when you partially relent the following year.
It's all about the psychology. Channel your inner chess master, don't blink, don't twitch, poker face at all times 😂

That's horrid, excluding family who are staying from seeing the kids open FC presents

Yes, PIL have always seen present opening - just as my DGPs always saw DB and I.

We used to alternate between PIL and our house and rotate Boxing Day between ours, DF and DB - but in recent years we’ve been at home every Christmas Day so DS1 can spend some time with his GF. PIL suggested their house a year or so back but I politely said no because of this. Plus they’re 80 now and although FIL thinks they’re able to do it they get flustered doing the dinner and last time they’d forgotten soft drinks and there were other things that suggested they were starting to struggle. So they come on the 23rd until 26th and DF, DSM & DB and family come on the 26th to 28th or we’re at theirs. DB & family stay in a hotel as we do at theirs. It all works out fine.

This is the simplest way tbh

if I had to I’d much prefer to go first thing in the morning and get it done. Then you can relax and have a glass of something and eat chocolate in front of the tv rather than drag yourself to the car and see people who’ve drunk to much / got too much drama

Unless there has been an update to explain this, it feels very strange. Why can't they watch them open presents of theyre awake too? Is there only so much joy to go around on Christmas morning and there's none left over for them?

Excellent. It no longer applies to me, but I see so many friends and acquaintances being stretched every which way until Christmas becomes a burden and an endurance test. Make it your own, and a time of quiet rest.

I'm no fan of turning kids opening their presents into a performance for relatives and I still think making guests stay in their room like that is very odd.

Yeah, that's massively weird and rude. Better to not have guests than to impose a rule like that.

I did this 5 years ago, and it caused such offence to my narcissistic mother that we now don't get invited to anything! Win win!

Guests not welcome to join you? Very odd.

I’m doing this this year. I just want a break from what is a lovely gathering of extended family. I’m going away and am just going to say we’ve decided to go away this year. DC have other things going on during the holiday break. 24-27th is ours so we’re going to a hotel.