Stepping away from big family Christmas

[Coffeeandcocktails]

it seems ridiculous to even have to ask this, but how have people gone about stepping away from spending the entirety of Christmas Day with their families (parents and adult siblings)?

DH & I now have 3 children and all I want is to spend at least half of the day enjoying the day as a family of 5, having dinner just us and then do the family visit later in the day.

without describing 32 years of Christmas’ or going into all the crazy drama of my family, it’s just not an enjoyable nor festive day spent with them and they make it impossible to say or stick to “no”.

I just want some Christmas magic for my own family rather than spending the day people pleasing.

How extraordinary, and sad too.

Of course you share the "moment"!

If you can afford book a holiday somewhere so you can't. That breaks the habit. Then you just say no every year after.

We have Christmas Day by ourselves (family of 4) with pressies in PJs then playing with new toys, everyone gets ready then lunch in local (nice) pub, then back for Christmas movie, nibbles, lolling around. No way would I want to travel on that day! We then go and visit family on Boxing Day, best of both worlds x

Could you send a message into the family group and tell them your plans. I would leave out visiting later in the day because you might not feel like it. We made the decision when our first dc was one to stay home. We saw both sets of parents in the morning but we lived very close to them. My dc grew up only knowing Christmas in their own home. My mum joins us now, she stays for a few nights and comes down with us Christmas morning to open presents and stockings including hers

100%, I'm not a huge drinker and usually I'm happy to volunteer driving but bucksfizz with breakfast on Christmas morning and a few drinks throughout the day is my tradition and one of the main reasons we like staying at home Christmas day.

I put my foot down when dd was 6. The previous years we had rotated between my parents house and the PILs.

At my parents we always had 18ish people, and somehow my mum always made me feel like the hired help, I couldn't sit down for more than 5 minutes, was offered out for taxi services to my aunts etc. It was also too hectic for autistic DH, and DD just wanted to play with her toys which she couldn't do as lack of space.

At PILs there were about 14 people, we always went out for dinner, had to book a hotel and had the same overcrowding issues and lack of space for DD to enjoy her toys plus a 140 mile journey each way.

So now we stay home, we have a few friends who are welcome to join us as they're single with little family to visit, and see both sets of parents either before or after Christmas.
It works for us.

Please don't say the kids want to have the day at home. the kids will then be bombarded by family asking them, persuading them they do want to spend the day with family.

Think of a sentence (lots of good suggestions here) and keep repeating it. "We're having Christmas day to ourselves this year"

Hold firm!

Why are you happy to sacrifice your dc's Christmas at home to appease grown ups?
Zammo all the way...

Not extraordinary? There are tons of people on mumsnet who open presents at home as a family too.

GPs lived too far to just arrive on Xmas morning so it's the best of both worlds. If people have relatives who are local they presumably don't get out of bed at 5am to watch present opening!!

We just stopped, at three kids too. It was a long drive and we wanted to at least sometimes have a family Christmas at home (like we had in our childhoods). I did ask the older children what they thought, because what they enjoyed at Christmas was a consideration, and they preferred to be able to be home with their new toys.

So we just told people in the wider family (none had young children of their own that came into it) that we would be doing Christmas at home, invited them to join us at ours (for once). Because it is a long drive for my family and my sister had to consider her ILs, they started to come see us on Boxing Day instead. My MIL refused to come at any stage and insisted we must come to her on the real day. We stood firm and told her we were happy to host and wanted at least the odd Christmas in our home. It went down like a lead balloon but we stood firm. Actually, we were firmly punished for it, but why were we the ones that always had to travel and always had to meet other people's wants for Christmas at the expense of ourselves and our children?

It's been great and no regrets.

Just say no, its really that simple. Im not sure how they would make it impossible to stick to, would they come over and physically drag you out of your house? Last year we broke the tradition of alternating between our families houses and decided we are going to start staying at home. We still alternate families each year, but everyone now comes to us. We have 3 DCs and I refuse to keep dragging them out for the whole day when they deserve to relax at home with their toys. Sometimes you have to be selfish and put your own family first, why would you not? Your family should understand that and if they don't, that's all the more reason to ditch them IMO

Do your DCs enjoy seeing the extended family on Christmas day? If so, just go later in the day. We host dinner, but nobody comes until 2pm so we have a relaxed morning with the kids. If your family have dinner too early, have your own at home earlier and go visit later on.

Just say you’re having it at home alone this year It’s that easy.

This year my 2 adult dds and their dhs and my gc ( dd1 is pregnant) are coming to us for Christmas. Dd2 alternates every year whereas dd1 has always come. It totally up to them but we do enjoy a big family Christmas with my parents and brother and my younger two dc. Opening presents is definitely a shared experience in our house and if in the future one of my dds were to host it I'd be upset if I was told to stay in my room! During covid we zoomed it. I'm not sure if dd1 will want to alternate it in the future and if so I can see her wanting to come to us the same time as dd2 so every other year it will be a much smaller gathering. I'll respect any decision they make obviously.

We have had Grandparents visiting a couple of times at Christmas, but usually its just the three of us.

It's totally relaxed, and we love it. DD is still only young and if she wants to spend the day in her pyjamas playing with her toys why shouldn't she? DH and I have spent many Christmases dashing here there and everywhere seeing family and it got to a point where it was not enjoyable.

When DD was born we stopped the running around, anyone was very welcome to come to us, but it was time for our little family to be at home.

Have a morning just you, meet family from 2pm for the meal - that’s what we do as a compromise.

We started when DD was 18 months (she’s 29!) and have never looked back! Anyone was welcome to visit, even for Santa stuff if they wanted to get up that early!

Send a group text saying that this year you’ve decided to stay in your own house for presents, lunch, dinner etc and you’ll see everyone at 4/5/6pm for a cup of tea and a bit of Christmas cake.

When you get pushback, just stay firm. You’re making a new tradition.

You serious? Blimey. So because your parents watched you open presents at Christmas, you are not allowing them to see their grandkids open presents from Santa? Some weird family dynamics at play here.

All depends on family dynamics. I am the only sibling to have children and I always invited my sister and lovely Mum over for Christmas lunch . They arrived about midday and generally left about 5 ish . The children loved it,as we did ,they had already opened their presents from us and Santa and then after lunch had their presents from Grandma and Auntie E . Never a problem TBH …everyone happy.

I think it depends on your relationship with your families and what you envisage going forwards with your own children. If you generally have a good relationship with your family, if you feel that you want to make memories with your parents whilst you have them (in the most respectful way) then I’d split some time so that you have half a day at home and half day visiting or Christmas Day as a family of five and Boxing Day with the parents?

or if you’re families are toxic, that’s another thing. If they’re genuinely not good for you in your lives, then say in plenty of advance, that you’ll be spending Christmas as a family of five.

If you’d like to be involved in your own children’s Christmases when they’re adults, set some precedents now? if you’re ok with them doing their own thing in the future, then that’s that.

Life is too short to be unhappy. Set boundaries and stick to them. If you don’t want to do it, don’t.
The only issue with setting boundaries is you’ll loose those who don’t respect them.
You just have to weigh up whether your idea of Christmas Day is worth the ‘drama’.

I think it us undeestandabke not to want to travel at christmas but then i think you should invite parents ti you.

That's very unpleasant of you! How horrible for your poor parents and what an awful way to treat guests.

I doubt there are tons of people on mumsnet who make their guests stay in their room on Christmas morning. That is fucking weird.

What are you going to do when the kids get older, and are more likely to sleep in to say, 8 am? Are you still going to keep the grandparents away from the present opening?

We always spend Xmas day at home. We invite my sister and dad for lunch and the rest of day is just us. We visit in-laws Boxing Day.