Would it be really mean to regift ds Christmas presents back to him?

[Candlesandfluffythrows]

I was looking for something in ds toy cupboard today and I realised it's absolutely full of stuff I'd forgotten he had. Some of it brand new unopened.

Things like unopened Lego sets and science kits, brand new felt pens.

He's got the memory of a goldfish and as we are already stuck for ideas I'm considering wrapping a couple of things back up for this year.

Of course he will still have other presents that he's asked for.

It sounds like he has grown out of toys. Sell the unopened ones with his permission and put the money in his account. Going forward he’s more likely to want football stuff, PlayStation stuff etc. He could maybe pay for most of a games console or iPad with the proceeds of all the Lego clutter, and you could contribute the rest as a Christmas present.

Gobsmacked that anyone thinks this would be ok.

I wouldn't re-gift them to him as clearly he doesn't need them.

There's lots of great charities looking for presents to give to underprivileged children so I would give the as new ones to them.

You'll probably end up giving him (again) a shit load of stuff that's he isn't interested in - you said he lost interest in Lego kits so what would be the point of giving him Lego kits. Try giving him things or experiences he is interested in and gift the other stuff to others.

Gobsmacked, are you really gobsmacked?

So ds git a pack of Crayola felts last Christmas, he's forgotten they're there as they've been put in the back of the cupboard and you're 'gobsmacked' that I'd consider shoving them in his stocking this year?

I don't think I said he's lost interest in Lego.

I said that he was given a large amount of Lego one year for his birthday (not by us). He built a few of the sets but being busy some were put aside and forgotten about. Some were a bit too advanced for him at the time.

I have tried to explain several times that he does like the toys but that it all needed sorting through.

@Candlesandfluffythrows out of curiosity though....has he required the use of felt tips in the last year? If yes then he must have had some that already work or you must have forgotten he had the new ones and bought more. If he hasn't used felt tips in the last year - then he doesn't want/need felt tips.

@Candlesandfluffythrows also with Lego - he doesn't need to "build the sets". Open it all and put it mixed together in one tub and he can just build whatever his imagination throws at him.

I wouldn't regift them back to him.

They do belong to him though so I would be having a clear out with him helping and let him make the decision if he wanted to keep, sell on facebook (lots of people will be looking for cheap toys especially if not opened) and make him some money, or if he wanted to gift to charity donations for other kids Christmases who have less or any other ideas he has.

Maybe also have a chat about how there is no point in asking for for more of the same this year and helping him think about what to put on his list he will actually want/use.

The felt pens are just an example, there were a few things unopened. He has used felt pens and some colours are running out, I'd genuinely forgot the new pack was there. I'm just surprised some people are reacting with such horror.

I know he doesn't have to build the sets but we have plenty of loose Lego.

Yes I would agree with this and this is pretty much what we've ended up doing over this weekend.

We've decluttered some of the things he no longer needs and made space for the unused things so that they can now be enjoyed.

I think for me what makes this feel like a bad idea is that it's got the potential to undermine his sense of security and being respected as a separate human being with his own things, just a little bit.

Kids don't get to control much in their lives, they don't get much say in what they do and when, what they eat, and so on. They might have their "own" rooms but it's in someone else's house. They're urged to share all kinds of things that adults might reasonably keep to themselves — a bedroom, a new and long-awaited belonging, and so on.

There's good reasons for all of this, but to me it also feels important that within this necessary framework of not having much that they truly control, they have things they know are theirs — to choose when to use, to collect, to possess unused and enjoy knowing they have, maybe to forget about for a while and rediscover, to decide to give away or sell (perhaps with a little encouragement or explanation about storage room), or whatever, and that their own personal belongings aren't going to be arbitrarily or secretly removed, given away or otherwise messed with.

I mean, I don't think that covertly regifting him a few of his own things just the once is necessarily a fast-track to a lifelong future in therapy explaining how his inability to form meaningful relationships is due to the fact that he never felt he truly owned anything as a child or whatever, but I can't help feeling that it could be a bit of a risky, potentially destabilising thing to do. Lots of the other suggestions people have made are good, though.

Yes, they are already his. He can't be 'gifted' his own belongings.

Just give them to him now. It's weird to give a gift then hide it for a year in a cupboard and re-give it.

How would you like it if people gaslit you like that?

I didn't hide anything.

I've already explained this, several times. He was given a large number of Lego sets one year. We've been very busy, they were put in his toy cupboard.l, not hidden. We've all forgotten they were there. They weren't hidden, he just tends to play with the stuff that's downstairs. Plus some were a bit to old for him.

Gaslighting, ffs. Go away. My child is more loved and cherished than any child could be and wants for nothing.

Is Santa gaslighting? That a strange man sneaks into your house at night and leaves gifts.

He wouldn't have even noticed, I know my child. Even if he did (which he wouldn't) he'd likely laugh and we'd make a joke of it.

Honestly, some people.

This could be us! Ds has Quite a few birthday gifts from August, all things that he still loves now and is unopened. I will be giving him this for Christmas too. We can easily afford ' new' gifts but how wasteful? Who is going to know.? IMO he should be grateful for a gift in any case and I don't even feel the least bit bothered about doing this.

If he wasn't interested the first time then why would he be the second? Reevaluate your gifts I think.

Honestly some people are just looking for a fight or can't read to comprehend.

I've never done this and never would do it, as I would be too scared they'd remember once they saw it again 🤣 I'd probably give them a tad less for Christmas but then 'find' the old stuff a few days after (when making space for the new stuff?) and suggest building the Lego/putting the pens somewhere where they'd be utilised... 🎁🎄

Yes I am. I think it’s really appalling, dishonest and borderline abusive. If someone popped up on the Stately Homes thread and said their parents used to steal back gifts they had been given and give them again as new gifts, people would be shocked.

You have no idea what he remembers and what he doesn’t. You picked crayons in the example here but things like Lego sets are much more distinctive. imagine your Christmas Day-

Kid- opens Lego set Oh thanks, mum, but I thought I already had this one.
You- No, you don’t.
Kid- I’m sure I do, I’ll go and check.
comes back
Kid- It’s gone
You- No, you never had it.

Happy Christmas, everyone!

Its a really horrible idea and I’m amazed you would consider it. Added to which, he didn’t like it enough to open it the first time round so why would you give it again?

Just be honest. Talk to him and make a plan for how to deal with the unopened stuff, whether that’s eBay or whatever. He can then use the money (his money) on something he actually wants, and you can buy him an actual Christmas present with your money.

Remind him that he had them. Help him build the Lego. Can you steal them in order to give them as a gift again? No. Imagine your DH did that to you.

When i was a kid I liked “saving” toys. The simple thing to do is just ask him - will he play with the toys, in which case he might get a bit less this year but if not what would he like to do with them? Maybe you could then discuss how to give them away to kids who aren’t as lucky.

Oh god! The overdramatic use of the word 'steal' here. Get a grip.

Borderline abusive to regift some felt pens? I assume you're joking. It's really not funny.

I would. But are they unopened as he isn't infested in them or got too much stuff?

Lego sets and science kits, not just pens. Yes it’s abusive to lie to your children like this. He’s 8 not 1. What message does it give?

• You can’t trust your parents even on Christmas Day
• Nothing you have is really yours. It can all be taken away from you and you have to be grateful to get it back.

Is OP really going to sit there and accept thanks from her son for giving him back his own possessions? Christ.

She said he doesn't know they're there. If true, no lying needed.

If he does remember, then she'll have to fess up.

I agree that there shouldn't be any gaslighting involved.