How to say we're not buying gifts for adults this year.

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 2023-10-29T21:04:46+00:00

Hi all, I need help delicately drafting a message to some family members and friends please! We are at an age now where some of our siblings and friends have young children, our Christmas list has doubled in the last few years, we now have about a dozen children to buy for at Christmas. We're not complaining, we love it and each child will get a thoughtful gift from us. We want to suggest that we just buy gifts for the children at Christmas now though (as in, we buy for their kids but not the adults, we don't have kids and aren't expecting gifts from these families). I have no idea how to word this? I'm sure I'm over thinking it!

ChristmasIsComing2023 · 29/10/2023 21:22

Depending on how early they shop it might be too late for this year 🤔

Cellotapedispenser · 29/10/2023 21:30

We did this years ago and what a relief it was. Quick short email 'Dear Lovely family, I'm sure you're all experiencing the cost of living challenges we're all facing, plus a desire maybe to slim down on buying stuff to help the environment, with this in mind we'd like to propose a kids under x only present system this year....or only immediate family...or whatever works. Looking forward to spending lots of quality time with you all over the holidays etc etc

converseandjeans · 29/10/2023 21:30

Just say it how it is? It's not as if you will get much out of it.

Moreempatheticmyarse · 29/10/2023 21:32

If you think it won't go down well I know some larger families do a secret santa type thing for the adults so you only end up with one adult to buy for rather than say 12. It means you can spend a bit more on the one potentially without nearly as much as you would spend on 12 people.

NeverTalksToStrangers2 · 29/10/2023 21:33

In my family we went through a phase of just buying the kids, but the kids got so much they didn't appreciate the extra presents or remember who got them what. So now we do secret Santa with the kids and adults and it's so much more fun. It helps that the kids are older though.

I would suggest getting sweets for the family. It'll be as appreciated as plastic tat.

neilyoungismyhero · 29/10/2023 21:35

We do a Secret Santa too. It was all getting very silly. Lots of money you don't have being spent on gifts they probably didn't want either. We just buy for the grandchildren now.

Original poster

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 29/10/2023 22:21

Unfortunately it's some of my siblings, some of my partner's siblings, and some of my/our/his friends so it's not a cohesive group we can suggest a secret santa with. The kiddies are all young (under 6) & we want to buy them nice gifts but don't want to exchange stuff for the sake of it with the adults. I'll use your wording @Cellotapedispenser thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 29/10/2023 22:25

@ChristmasIsComing2023 I highly doubt that any of the people in question will have started their Christmas shopping yet (the majority are far too busy being new parents and dealing with other life events, and they're not early shoppers.. There's usually mentions mid November about how they must start the Christmas shopping..)

OP posts:

Mintyt · 30/10/2023 06:39

With my friends children I do t buy for them but for my friend, because a 10.00 to 15.00 pound gift for a friend can be a lovely thing but sometimes the child for the child gets lost in all the other presents they get.

smilesup · 30/10/2023 06:43

We stopped presents for adults about 10 years ago. It fucking brilliant!
We now also buy the cousins all an experience. So we take them to Alton towers/Legoland/seaside etc. Much much less plastic shite being wasted. Kids don't need more than about 5 presents in total and get over whelmed with all the shit they are given

fluffypotatoes · 30/10/2023 06:46

"Heya, just a quick heads up, money's tight for us this year so we'll only be getting presents for the kids this year xx"

CopernicusCalled · 30/10/2023 06:52

I tried this years ago with DHs family but they all had a hissy fit about it. Presents for them is by far the most stressful bit of Christmas (that and sending them bloody links to the exact things we 'want' and they won't take no for an answer but that's another thread). They do not agree that less is more, and don't agree with experience gifts or charity gifts or anything. They don't want food or wine. God I'd really, really love to stop presents for them all.

In my family we did a Secret Santa for years but it kind of died off during COVID and I'm not sure it will be revived.

Good luck OP.

hattie43 · 30/10/2023 06:53

Another option is doing a ' family ' gift . Not individual but something they can all enjoy eg board game and box of chocs .

It always surprises me when those with children don't see the unfairness of childfree people having to cough up so much more money for gift buying . You'd hope they'd step in and say don't worry anymore or at least just buy for the kids . I have a friend who between nieces / nephews / godchildren/ children of friends she ends up shopping for 18 children and is lucky if even one of them say thankyou or draw her a card .

Cornflowers35 · 30/10/2023 07:02

My DB and SIL decided on this last year.

I got the message two days after Christmas. They still accepted the gifts I had bought though.

I have started my Christmas shopping (I like to spread the cost and to have time to look around and not rush into buying for the sake of it).

But I get the idea behind it. Perhaps check first with the adults (using the email example above) quick message to say you are thinking of doing this, what are thoughts.

If like me some have started, might be too late this year.

Nannyfannybanny · 30/10/2023 07:09

Watching this thread with interest. When I was a kid,by the time relatives got married,had kids,there was 30 plus people at my late grandparents house. Everyone got together, presents for kids only. That was my normal. Fast forward DH, 3 siblings, one with 3 kids, other 2,none.(absent bullying M,who went off with another man when they were primarily school age) we had 2 mortgages, I often had 3/4 jobs,DH got made redundant 5 times in 8 years. By October every year, I am crying my eyes out.... their presents bought with a credit card. His brother and sil, only bought for our DD, not my kids from previous marriage. Finally,we said to his M,"we aren't buying presents this year". (She didn't need to work, and had no mortgage) she went ballistic!! Reminded me of everything she had ever bought. Then started on DH,he put the phone down on her. Bil rang, please make the peace with m,she's driving me crazy! She didn't speak to us for 23 months!! The following year was really awkward,we were collecting her sister who lives abroad from the airport,and taking her there. Needless to say, said sister sided with her. We went NC with all of them 15 years ago.

EerilyDecorated · 30/10/2023 07:13

I’d say the only issue is that they might feel bad that you are buying for their DCs but not receiving anything back at all, this happened to us with my sibling and partner who do not have children (we do). They suggested buying for DCs only but we felt bad when they handed over gifts for our DC and were receiving nothing in return. We fudged a bit and gave them a token gift (bottle of wine or similar) the first year, then they bought for us again the next year, so we dropped it but I do feel bad every year receiving into our household but not giving back to theirs. I also miss the gift buying a little, the only adults I buy for now are DH and my DParents. Although I absolutely do not want a gift myself from them, its not about that, I just feel we’ve traded one inequality for another. Overall it means less consumerism though which is a good thing.

IheartNiles · 30/10/2023 07:18

We only did birthdays for friends children.
Suggest a secret Santa for each family group (yours, dh) then you only have 2 people to buy for? A better budget for the individual and means adults are included and kids get less volume.

ohdamnitjanet · 30/10/2023 07:28

hattie43 · 30/10/2023 06:53

Another option is doing a ' family ' gift . Not individual but something they can all enjoy eg board game and box of chocs .

It always surprises me when those with children don't see the unfairness of childfree people having to cough up so much more money for gift buying . You'd hope they'd step in and say don't worry anymore or at least just buy for the kids . I have a friend who between nieces / nephews / godchildren/ children of friends she ends up shopping for 18 children and is lucky if even one of them say thankyou or draw her a card .

Exactly, and for those adults who live alone, or don’t have friends who buy gifts for them it can be a pretty soulless Christmas. I know it’s not about gifts
( well it is, really, ) but it can be quite lonely to only have one or two things to open when you’ve spent a bloody fortune on family members and friends who quite frankly are mean in return. Children usually get so much and it’s not a good precedent. If things are so tight they will actually go without that’s a difficult matter.

Hotchocolatemousse · 30/10/2023 07:37

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 29/10/2023 22:25

@ChristmasIsComing2023 I highly doubt that any of the people in question will have started their Christmas shopping yet (the majority are far too busy being new parents and dealing with other life events, and they're not early shoppers.. There's usually mentions mid November about how they must start the Christmas shopping..)

In that case send out a message today regarding cutting down on gifts & give them a few options. The option with the most votes wins, this wY everyone has a part in choosing.
A) buy for kids only
B) buy for kids and one adult secret santa gift to a set value of £x
C) buy a joint family/couple/single person gift only to the value of £x

FusionChefGeoff · 30/10/2023 07:47

If OP doesn't have kids then I don't think it's too late if people have already bought for her - after all she doesn't have kids for them to reciprocate so it's only fair that she gets the gift instead

Loubelle70 · 30/10/2023 07:50

Exactly what ive done this year. I buy for the kids but only adults i buy for is my DD and her DP. I messaged adults last month and said due to rise in bills etc i cant afford to buy adults presents and id appreciate if they didn't buy me, but oc Xmas is for kids mainly so will still be buying children. I said they are invited for a drink at Xmas and welcome to pop on by '. ALL were ok about it and agreed.

Loubelle70 · 30/10/2023 07:56

^actually 1 person wasnt happy about it, my sister, but i think thats because she would buy me a bottle wine (about fiver) and i used to buy her say perfume that she wanted etc (£50)..so ive stopped it. Even though she objected im not changing my mind. Very welcome to come for a Christmas drink but no presents..also my immediate family is growing kids wise..they come first

Coastalcreeksider · 30/10/2023 08:05

I only do the kids, five of them and they all get money until they go out to work or get to 18. I still give money and maybe a present to my niece who is 26.

No other adults get anything at all that includes close friends. It's a total waste of money buying something for £20 that they can well buy for themselves.

I spend a lot more on birthday presents as I can get something really special and it's more personal.

Hippolyte · 30/10/2023 08:06

Just a quick one to let you know that we're just going to buy kids gifts this year. It seems to make sense with the cost of things at the moment along with all the environmental concerns. We love buying a stuff for the little ones and this will allow us to focus on their presents a bit more too. Needless to say we obviously won't be expecting to receive gifts either but it will be lovely to see you over the break.

Maddy70 · 30/10/2023 08:28

We now only buy for my mum. The rest of the family. Children only until they're 18