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Original poster

How to say we're not buying gifts for adults this year.

54 replies

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 29/10/2023 21:04

Hi all,
I need help delicately drafting a message to some family members and friends please! We are at an age now where some of our siblings and friends have young children, our Christmas list has doubled in the last few years, we now have about a dozen children to buy for at Christmas. We're not complaining, we love it and each child will get a thoughtful gift from us.
We want to suggest that we just buy gifts for the children at Christmas now though (as in, we buy for their kids but not the adults, we don't have kids and aren't expecting gifts from these families). I have no idea how to word this? I'm sure I'm over thinking it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 30/10/2023 08:52

Thanks all, some really helpful wording here!
To those saying not to buy more plastic tat for the kids - we're trying to buy them good quality, meaningful gifts or educational gifts. I would have been very sad at 6 if my aunty suddenly stopped buying me Christmas presents. There's also an expectation in the family, messages like "what have you got for A's little ones for Christmas? I was thinking XYZ". Money isn't that tight for us so we'll continue buying for the kids.
The issue is the time and effort to buy so many presents, and wrap them in time to drop them off before Christmas.
The adults in question will all be receiving gifts from their partners, parents, in laws so nobody will be without a gift on Christmas morning.

OP posts:
hattie43 · 30/10/2023 08:58

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 30/10/2023 08:52

Thanks all, some really helpful wording here!
To those saying not to buy more plastic tat for the kids - we're trying to buy them good quality, meaningful gifts or educational gifts. I would have been very sad at 6 if my aunty suddenly stopped buying me Christmas presents. There's also an expectation in the family, messages like "what have you got for A's little ones for Christmas? I was thinking XYZ". Money isn't that tight for us so we'll continue buying for the kids.
The issue is the time and effort to buy so many presents, and wrap them in time to drop them off before Christmas.
The adults in question will all be receiving gifts from their partners, parents, in laws so nobody will be without a gift on Christmas morning.

If it's a time issue could you nip around M & S and buy all the kids pj's and a little book or choc Santa .

GettingStuffed · 30/10/2023 09:03

We used to only gift the children (when I was a child) but the second we hit 18 they stopped. I'm the eldest of all my cousins so I stopped getting presents before everyone else.

Once we stopped children we turned to family presents so got things like a bottle of nice booze, or a box of biscuits and that stopped once we all because adults.

So if you're trying to cut down I suggest a board game, or video game for the family, or something nice to eat.

FWIW I suggested a few years ago that we stopped buying adult presents and you'd have thought I'd suggested that we kill kittens. Mind you we only have my dad,sister and bil, our 3 children and and 2 spouses . For children we have 6 grandchildren.

BitofaStramash · 30/10/2023 09:06

As soon as possible just a simple message -

hope you don't mind but we'd prefer to focus on buying for the children at Christmas . Of course in return please don't buy us any presents.

My sister did this a few years ago. No one minded. Everyone understood.

glitterfinder · 30/10/2023 09:14

My sister did this. In theory yes it makes sense and cuts costs. For them. As the child free aunt I get to fork out for the kids and don't even see a token bottle of wine or novelty mug as a nice gesture back. Maybe have a think about any child free people in the picture!

aswarmofmidges · 30/10/2023 09:21

Don't buy for the children if that's how you feel

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 30/10/2023 10:04

@glitterfinder I am the child free aunt here, I'm only suggesting this to the people with kids (so we buy for their kids, they don't buy for us). We love buying for the kids, so don't mind the "inequality" of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 30/10/2023 10:07

@GettingStuffed a family gift sounds lovely but the kids are at ages where they wouldn't necessarily appreciate that, all are quite young. I'm not planning on stopping when the kids are 18, although I hadn't really thought that far ahead, I guess we'll stop when the kids have their own kids for us to buy for.

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Pinkkisugarmouse · 30/10/2023 21:02

The odd thing is that everyone buys for the children meaning that the children get inundated and the parents for whom that might be their only gift all year get nothing.

When DD was growing up we taught her that adults matters too and deserve recognition. I’m not saying buy for everyone. I am questioning do most children need or even have an awareness of all the gifts that they are being given by everyone?

Ponderingwindow · 30/10/2023 21:05

Perfectly reasonable to bow out of adult gifts or suggest you go to a secret Santa/round robin system if you have a large enough family. It’s way too late to suggest for this year though. I think the ideal time is around new years.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 30/10/2023 22:21

@Pinkkisugarmouse as a child I appreciated every gift I received, none of these children are so spoilt they wouldn't have an awareness of who got them their gifts, and as I mentioned in a previous comment - none of the adults will be without gifts from their partners/parents.

@Ponderingwindow it's my family, my partner's family, and friends in several different friendship groups so a secret santa wouldn't really solve the issue. Nobody in question will have started their Christmas shopping yet so I don't see how it's too late this year?

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cheddercherry · 31/10/2023 16:55

I’d just be breezy, open and honest and say something along the lines of

“Hi xyz just thinking ahead with Christmas and I’m excited to get cracking finding (child name) a gift. This year we’re thinking we won’t get presents for the adults but we’d absolutely love to go for a drink/ grab a meal out/ come round to yours/ ours for a catch up festive night in! Hope that’s fine with you , obviously we aren’t expecting gifts but we’d really love to still get (child) something! See you soon”

Were in a similar boat with many uncles and aunts and lots and LOTS of cousins and now we just prioritise a family get together as it’s rare we’re all about now and the time together is way better than 30 gifts we won’t remember what came from who!

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 31/10/2023 17:10

Thanks all, I opened each conversation with saying I need to start the Christmas shopping and asking if they had - none of them had started (as expected) and all seemed glad to dispense with adult gifts! Every one of them said Christmas is about the kiddies now anyway.
I knew I was over thinking this!

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FarEast · 31/10/2023 17:28

I think the only thing about presents for children only is that for older people, single people, or those without children (and the various combinations of those) it’s a bit tough.

An older widow, or a single person, for example, can be in a position of rarely receiving gifts - no- one to spoil them on birthdays etc.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 31/10/2023 17:55

@FarEast the adults in question are all youngish couples and will all be receiving gifts from their partners/other family members.
We're still buying gifts for our parents, grandparents, child free siblings and single friends.

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fluffypotatoes · 31/10/2023 17:59

FarEast · 31/10/2023 17:28

I think the only thing about presents for children only is that for older people, single people, or those without children (and the various combinations of those) it’s a bit tough.

An older widow, or a single person, for example, can be in a position of rarely receiving gifts - no- one to spoil them on birthdays etc.

You only do children only for the familys that have children!

Lovemusic82 · 31/10/2023 20:19

We only really buy for parents and children. Though I don’t know when children are classed as adults as some are 18+ but still in education (college/uni) so I don’t know if I should buy for them or not? My dc are also in this category. I have never bought for my siblings.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 31/10/2023 20:26

@fluffypotatoes yes exactly this!

@Lovemusic82 we usually buy for all siblings, their partners, our close friends, parents, and grandparents, which was fine until siblings and close friends started having children 😂

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Lovemusic82 · 31/10/2023 20:33

Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 31/10/2023 20:26

@fluffypotatoes yes exactly this!

@Lovemusic82 we usually buy for all siblings, their partners, our close friends, parents, and grandparents, which was fine until siblings and close friends started having children 😂

It does get too much doesn’t it? I have step children from previous marriage (so they are my DC’s half siblings) so I continued buying for them, then 2 of them had their own dc so I had to buy for them as they are my DC’s nephews and niece, then I have my own nieces and nephews. It just gets way too much so we not just stick to buying for the under 18’s. Now my dc are 17 and 19 no one really buys for them anymore. I am cutting down how much I spend this year and will be giving cash with a selection box as it’s just easier.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 31/10/2023 20:35

I had a chat with friends and we all agreed to not buy for each other (us or the kids) at Christmas.

With my siblings as soon as they had kids we stopped buying for each other and just bought for the kids.

It gets really out of hand otherwise.

AnneButNotHathaway · 01/11/2023 10:42

Secret Santa is a blessing for us, could you do the same? Everyone buys only one gift within the set limit and those who aren't participating will get or distant relatives just get a smartshow 3d video card and that's it.

Original poster
Anotherdayanotherdramaa · 01/11/2023 11:13

@AnneButNotHathaway we could do two separate secret santas for the two families but the children are all too young to understand a secret santa. We have several friends who are so close they're practically family, but they wouldn't fit into either family secret santa, so it wouldn't really work.
As it happens, all our friends and family with children were very happy to agree to only buying for the kids.
We're putting the extra money we've saved on adults presents into cheques for the childrens' savings accounts, every little helps and all that.

OP posts:
FarEast · 02/11/2023 08:05

@fluffypotatoes I've heard people say "Children only" for everyone. So I've seen situations where single people give presents, and receive none. In one case, I just defied this dictum, because it was so mean spirited. There should be exchange - that's the whole point.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 02/11/2023 08:08

CopernicusCalled · 30/10/2023 06:52

I tried this years ago with DHs family but they all had a hissy fit about it. Presents for them is by far the most stressful bit of Christmas (that and sending them bloody links to the exact things we 'want' and they won't take no for an answer but that's another thread). They do not agree that less is more, and don't agree with experience gifts or charity gifts or anything. They don't want food or wine. God I'd really, really love to stop presents for them all.

In my family we did a Secret Santa for years but it kind of died off during COVID and I'm not sure it will be revived.

Good luck OP.

Nobody can make you buy them presents FFS!

FFSWhatToDoNow · 02/11/2023 08:10

We stopped all presents (including kids) about 15 years ago. Nobody needs anything. DH’s family are 250 miles away so we focus on getting the cousins together a few times a year over yet more tat.

It’s unbelievably freeing.