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Original poster

Hosting dilemma

62 replies

ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:18

Im feeling obliged to host my family for Christmas this year but i dont want to.

Am i mean?

Neither I nor my mother hosted last year (went to in laws together). I did it the year before and I mainly can't face all crammed in for 4 days as they don't live locally. They arrive Christmas eve and leave the day after boxing day. Its too long. Especially as my dad is hard work.

As saw both sets of parents last year I could just say we are not seeing anyone this year. Seems a bit harsh.

I can understand mum not wanting us at her home because she hosted a lot when we were younger. My dad shops and cooks. To be honest I'm not fussed about going to them either but have offered to turn up Christmas day and leave boxing day. She doesn't want to do this. She wants to come here.

I might say we can come over between Christmas and New year and have a quiet Christmas at home.

They are old and I feel bad. I've had a terrible year with work and I just want to chill. It's a short holiday and 4 days of mum and dad feels excessive or exhausting!!!

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 14/10/2023 08:22

Totally fine!

"Hi All, dh and I are going to have Christmas just the two of us this year - I'll do dinner and drinks on the 29th if anyone fancies joining us then? Love you all xx"

Send it to whoever you would normally see at christmas. They might not like it, but no body owes anyone outside of their home anything.

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 08:23

It’s only 3 nights, I think you should.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/10/2023 08:27

Offer up a few days between Christmas and New Year, it's usually a much more relaxed time anyway with less pressure to be perfect.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:28

Thanks for the text idea. I'm just going to be chatting with her. I might look up a nice pub near them for the 28th.

DH doesn't want them here. Covid Christmas alone was nice and chilled.

It's going to go down badly. She already said it would be dire to be just her and dad at home alone. They are retired so often alone together.

OP posts:
Beautifulsunflowers · 14/10/2023 08:28

It’s not mean to want to have some time to yourselves and to chill.
Christmas is that time of year when people feel obligated to see family, host, put on a smile……. And if traditions have been ongoing for years it’s hard to break out of them.
As working people it’s also hard to relax in the limited time we get off and end up going back to work more exhausted!
Do you have other siblings? Can you put your foot down and say no?
If you end up hosting then plan how it can be as easy as possible. There’s nothing to say you can have a lasagne on Christmas Day with a film in the afternoon and a snooze!

Khvdrt · 14/10/2023 08:29

Can they not leave Boxing Day so it’s only 2 nights?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:29

How old are they? Are you close to them? How often do you see them throughout the year? Do you have children?

blanketsmell · 14/10/2023 08:30

Get in their first and offer the dates you're happy with

SaracensMavericks · 14/10/2023 08:32

You could certainly cut it down, I would tell them it's too long and you'd like them to stay one night (either Xmas Eve or Xmas night).

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:33

3 nights of your parents over Christmas seems reasonable IF you are close to them and love them

fact you are staring a thread about them would suggest you don’t - so not reasonable to decline

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:33

DustyLee123 · 14/10/2023 08:23

It’s only 3 nights, I think you should.

I keep thinking this.

No other family members to host them. One sibling is away working and they are pretty my low contract with my other sibling.

It's not the cooking. I'm a good cook, dad helps, mum mucks in too, they clean up, they bring food and booze if I ask.

It's the 3 whole evening of a week holiday I have to sit around with them. My dad drinks.

It's nice for them to see the dc and mum does play a lot with the youngest. The kids like to game and watch TV. It's going to be hard fitting in to my small ish lounge.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 14/10/2023 08:33

Does your mum want to come to you because she/dad don’t want to sort the meal?

Could you go to her and go out? Yes it costs a bomb but maybe worth it?

Or go to her xmas Eve but cook, order in pre prepped m and s stuff and defrost on the way?

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/10/2023 08:34

It sounds as though your mum isn't happy when it's just her and your dad, especially if he's drinking. How is their marriage?

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/10/2023 08:35

How far away do they live?

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:36

Khvdrt · 14/10/2023 08:29

Can they not leave Boxing Day so it’s only 2 nights?

My dad won't want to drive home boxing day. He likes a drink.

Mum won't drive nowadays.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:36

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/10/2023 08:35

How far away do they live?

Only an hours drive

OP posts:
rookiemere · 14/10/2023 08:37

Sorry but I do think you are being unkind. We alternate between my DPs - old, grumpy and never really celebrated Christmas much - and SILs - loads of people, relaxed and fun.

How far is the drive ? Could you convince them to leave on Boxing Day so it's just two nights?

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:39

determinedtomakethiswork · 14/10/2023 08:34

It sounds as though your mum isn't happy when it's just her and your dad, especially if he's drinking. How is their marriage?

Not great. Pretty awful really but it's one of those things where they seem determined to stay together. They go out together and eat out see friends it's not a bad life. Mum is worried about his drinking but that's the best part of 50 years married to an alcoholic.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 14/10/2023 08:40

Sorry cross post.

Well if it's only an hour away then can you not just tell them 2 nights or not at all ? Or one of you pick them up and drive them back so your DF can drink to his heart's content?

Jessforless · 14/10/2023 08:41

Only an hour away means they don’t have to stay… can you invent an occasion on Boxing Day evening you and the family have been invited to so they leave midday? Then he can still have a drink but at home (if that’s his argument) … they still get Christmas night?

Quitelikeacatslife · 14/10/2023 08:42

Say they can come but you have something on on Boxing Day afternoon so you'll cook a big breakfast and then they'll need to go. They won't like it but better than not coming at all

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:44

Op

What is your relationship like with them?
what is their relationship like with your children?
How often do you see them ?

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:44

SheilaFentiman · 14/10/2023 08:33

Does your mum want to come to you because she/dad don’t want to sort the meal?

Could you go to her and go out? Yes it costs a bomb but maybe worth it?

Or go to her xmas Eve but cook, order in pre prepped m and s stuff and defrost on the way?

Its really not the cooking. Any of us cook and we all clean.

Mum just thinks that we will be more comfortable in my house for sleeping arrangements. Which is true.

They strip the bed and put towels in the wash.

So far I'm coming out with saying to come on Christmas day so at least I get one less night of them.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:44

No way would I want my mum to have Christmas with an alcoholic man that she has an awful marriage with

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:45

But then waiting for the drip feed that you have an awful relationship with them and suffered an abusive childhood!