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Original poster

Hosting dilemma

62 replies

ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:18

Im feeling obliged to host my family for Christmas this year but i dont want to.

Am i mean?

Neither I nor my mother hosted last year (went to in laws together). I did it the year before and I mainly can't face all crammed in for 4 days as they don't live locally. They arrive Christmas eve and leave the day after boxing day. Its too long. Especially as my dad is hard work.

As saw both sets of parents last year I could just say we are not seeing anyone this year. Seems a bit harsh.

I can understand mum not wanting us at her home because she hosted a lot when we were younger. My dad shops and cooks. To be honest I'm not fussed about going to them either but have offered to turn up Christmas day and leave boxing day. She doesn't want to do this. She wants to come here.

I might say we can come over between Christmas and New year and have a quiet Christmas at home.

They are old and I feel bad. I've had a terrible year with work and I just want to chill. It's a short holiday and 4 days of mum and dad feels excessive or exhausting!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:49

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:44

Op

What is your relationship like with them?
what is their relationship like with your children?
How often do you see them ?

Mixed relationship. I usually talk to them a lot on the phone but we went on holiday in the summer and I got really fed up with dad. I've been frantic at work since September so not really spoken much. Usually see them every month or so.

They have the kids for a week at summer. My mum is nice to the dc and dad not good with kids so sadly my dc rather have his number. He can be awful to them.

It's not really his personality that's a problem at Christmas. It's lack of space. It's all a bit much.

OP posts:
nzeire · 14/10/2023 08:50

Oh, I’d have to have them.

pick them up Christmas Eve, Xmas lunch, then drop them Christmas night or at a push Boxing Day morning!

Weenurse · 14/10/2023 08:50

If they only live an hour away, can you not pick them up Christmas Day and drop them home Boxing Day?

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:52

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:45

But then waiting for the drip feed that you have an awful relationship with them and suffered an abusive childhood!

Not awful I think a lot of people have difficulty with family.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 08:53

well in that case

for my mum’s sake - I would have them over for the 3 nights without hesitation

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:53

Weenurse · 14/10/2023 08:50

If they only live an hour away, can you not pick them up Christmas Day and drop them home Boxing Day?

They would not want us driving them.

OP posts:
pilates · 14/10/2023 08:57

I think I would invite them for Christmas Eve (late afternoon) stay overnight Christmas Day and take back Boxing Day morning.

UniKnow · 14/10/2023 08:57

Ah hours drive? Can’t they just come for the day?! Or max one night. Arrive Xmas Day in time for lunch and then do a cooked breakfast on Boxing Day and send them on their way in time for your dad to drink in his own house.

Awrite · 14/10/2023 08:57

Drive them. That way you can pick up and drop off whenever suits you.

Dh picks my parents up Christmas morning, I drive them home Christmas evening. No more overnights.

Awrite · 14/10/2023 08:58

ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:53

They would not want us driving them.

Show quote history

Tough shit. Would they prefer not coming?

rookiemere · 14/10/2023 09:04

Ok telling them to come on Christmas morning seems the least worst option.
Lots of bracing walks when they are there - which your DF probably won't want to come on.

Redwinestillfine · 14/10/2023 09:05

You can either be honest and tell your Mum that your Dad's behaviour is a bit much so whilst you don't mind meeting up you don't want to host, or if you can't why not offer to host but say you have plans on the 23rd and 27th so whilst they can come they can't stay long?

Whataretheodds · 14/10/2023 09:05

ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:49

Mixed relationship. I usually talk to them a lot on the phone but we went on holiday in the summer and I got really fed up with dad. I've been frantic at work since September so not really spoken much. Usually see them every month or so.

They have the kids for a week at summer. My mum is nice to the dc and dad not good with kids so sadly my dc rather have his number. He can be awful to them.

It's not really his personality that's a problem at Christmas. It's lack of space. It's all a bit much.

Show quote history

What's the issue with your Dad's behaviour?

If it were my parents I'd be having a quiet but firm word with them beforehand. " I know you are keen to come to us for Christmas, if that's going to happen then it needs to work for all of us and so what I need to see/not see is XYZ. Can we make that work?"

Something like that. Hard to do if you've never done it before, I know. But better than exploding in the moment or bottling up all the resentment while they're visiting and having a crap time as a result.

SecondUsername4me · 14/10/2023 09:06

ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 08:53

They would not want us driving them.

Show quote history

Sounds like they are used to pushing their needs and wants onto you without consideration, so don't feel guilty doing the same back to them.

pilates · 14/10/2023 09:09

^
Agree - take back some control.

clary · 14/10/2023 09:10

Oh I’m with you op. No older replies here now, but when there were, no way was I going to host for four days. Dh would see family Chr Eve, we would see my mum Chr Day evening or Boxing Day (quite local).

Many years ago we decided not to tote the DC cross country on Chr day.

Host a gathering on dec 27 or whatever you feel like. Cosy Christmas is a lit more fun.

rainbowstardrops · 14/10/2023 09:10

Personally, I would just suck it up for the sake of my mum because you've said she pulls her weight, helps with cooking etc and has the children for a week in the summer but absolutely understand that you don't want to.
Could you go to a restaurant near to them and then drive home that night?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:10

I read it that the parents wouldn’t want them driving on Christmas Day because they wouldn’t want to put the Op out

ie being considerate

user1492757084 · 14/10/2023 09:12

Ask them to arrive mid morning Christmas Day and to leave first thing on the 27th.
You get Christmas Eve by yourself, they stay two nights and you can recover once they leave early on the 27th.

It is a bother but you will miss them once they can not attend Christmas.

clary · 14/10/2023 09:32

Sorry posted without reading thread.

Ok having read your updates, I agree with others - they come Chr morning, lunch, walk, games, film, drinking; then they need to leave Boxibg day before lunch.

If you can’t just tell them that, invent something you are doing B Day pm. But I would just tell them.

If your DM is not happy in her marriage, a) four days at Christmas won’t solve it and b) it’s for her to sort anyway.

Original poster
ZenNudist · 14/10/2023 09:39

Whataretheodds · 14/10/2023 09:05

What's the issue with your Dad's behaviour?

If it were my parents I'd be having a quiet but firm word with them beforehand. " I know you are keen to come to us for Christmas, if that's going to happen then it needs to work for all of us and so what I need to see/not see is XYZ. Can we make that work?"

Something like that. Hard to do if you've never done it before, I know. But better than exploding in the moment or bottling up all the resentment while they're visiting and having a crap time as a result.

Show quote history

My dad's behaviour is something I've put up with for 45 years. He probably won't be that bad at Christmas. Hopefully. I don't want to spend the 3 nights of a short break crammed on the sofa. Typical family Christmas. No one watches what they want.

We do go out for a walk each day.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:41

Typical family Christmas

I am a single parent and both my parent deceased.

I can tell you that mine and my children’s Christmas isn’t as you describe

truptantripping · 14/10/2023 09:46

Have for them for 2 nights and change it up a bit

Come Xmas day early afternoon, dinner at 6
Leave 27th AM
Change the format a bit make it work better tor you.

If they want to come they need to appreciate it needs to work for all.

rookiemere · 14/10/2023 09:49

Why did you go on holiday with them in Summer if your DF is such hard work ?

Whataretheodds · 14/10/2023 10:15

My dad's behaviour is something I've put up with for 45 years. He probably won't be that bad at Christmas. Hopefully.

None of your previous posts sound like you believe that even slightly.

If you want things to be different why not do something differently?