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Christmas

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Original poster

SIL

58 replies

swhra · 29/12/2022 23:00

Ahead of 2 day Xmas gathering which we were hosting (my family joined by my mother, my SIL & MIL) I asked my SIL if she’d mind her and MIL renting a nearby Airbnb so the house was less of a squash (we could fit people in but meant adult children sleeping on floor etc). She was put out and made quite clear she wanted for us all to be under one roof… Was that churlish of her or was I being ungenerous/excluding to suggest they stay somewhere else… a bit precious to think everyone couldn’t squash in for a couple of nights?

OP posts:

UsingChangeofName · 29/12/2022 23:30

I think this is really dependent on your families / what you are used to.

I grew up with 12 of us in the house for the weekend about 3 times a year, and find it utterly bizarre and inhospitable to suggest family members go off and stay in hotels / B&Bs Air B'n'Bs.

I have very fond memories of us and our cousins / Aunt / Uncle all being together and mucking in. Anyone shoo-ed out would have felt quite excluded.

I'm on MN a lot though, and regularly see people suggesting family stay in paid for accommodation near by. So I might be in the minority on this thread.

I don't think either is right or wrong - I think it is very much what you are used to. But I wouldn't go and stay in a hotel near people, if the point of the visit is to go and stay with people.

HeddaGarbled · 29/12/2022 23:45

It’s tricky. I understand why you suggested it, but I can also understand how it would have felt to her as if they were being sidelined to some extent.

I do think it might have been better coming from her brother rather than you, and that it needed to be discussed very very early on in the discussions about Christmas arrangements, so that they could make their decisions with full knowledge (i.e. not come at all if they didn’t want to stay in/couldn’t afford/find accommodation of their choice).

Original poster

swhra · 30/12/2022 07:48

Thank you both of you for your replies, really helpful and I think you’re right there probably was a sense of exclusion… I think I just felt a bit controlled by her, a bit that we were inviting her for Xmas and should have been up to us whether we invited for Xmas dinner or overnight etc etc… but maybe that’s different with family… I can totally see it from both points of view
Appreciate you having taken the time to reply!

OP posts:

HowVeryBizarre · 30/12/2022 07:59

I don’t think you were unreasonable, but equally I can see how they could have been offended if they come from a family where squashing in is the norm. The fact that your mother stayed probably didn’t help. Really your DH should have been able to let you know whether or not they would be ok with it, women often ending up looking like the bad guys because men won’t deal with family stuff.

hopeishere · 30/12/2022 08:19

I'd have discussed it well in advance not just beforehand. And it might have seemed a bit like they were b list guests.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 30/12/2022 08:21

Were you going to pay for it?

Holly60 · 30/12/2022 08:31

It's tricky. I presume you didn't ask your adult children or your mother if they could sleep elsewhere?

So it may be that there was a bit of unconscious bias going on in your decision to ask them, which she probably picked up on.

I can understand reasoning of your mother being on her own and your home being home also to your children but these things can be tricky not to hurt feelings.

Also yes, the expense may have been a factor too. Did you offer to contribute?

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 08:51

Sorry I think it’s really horrible and exclusionary. I wouldn’t bother going to be honest. Why can’t your adult children stay in the air bnb? Surely they are more likely to be out at night/stay up later? I would think it’s quite clear you don’t want them to come.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 30/12/2022 08:59

How will it effect the overall dynamic? Will she need to leave earlier if MIL is at an age to go to bed early? Who usually stays up late? Would she be comfortable leaving the house alone with MIL to go home at the same time they'd normally go to bed? Did someone offer to walk her home or drive her home?

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 30/12/2022 09:01

If it was the difference between two adults on the floor on blow up mattresses for 2 days bs all being together I'd probably all be together. If it was two adults on the floor and a further two on the couches then it makes more sense to me. But I'd have organised it from the offset.

MelchiorsMistress · 30/12/2022 09:03

In reality, how easy would it have been for her to find and book an airbnb close to your home? Would she have been able to easily afford it?

I can see why she’d feel hurt to be asked to stay elsewhere when the rest of her family were staying together.

Original poster

swhra · 30/12/2022 09:04

I guess I thought I wanted my nuclear family together for Xmas and was then including my mum (who I thought should be with us as she’s on her own) so felt like the obvious people to use overspill space was my MIL and SIL (alternatively could have driven to and fro both days- about 40 mins… though maybe less appealing)
We had offered to share cost
I hear everyone’s comments though and think maybe I was being a bit insensitive to how they might have heard it
Families and Xmas tricky to navigate!

OP posts:

BungleandGeorge · 30/12/2022 09:08

At what point did you ask them to get their own accommodation? At the same time or after you invited them? How many people stayed and how many bedrooms?
on the face of it inviting your own children (are these shared children or just yours?) and your mum and excluding the 2 in laws sounds rude

Original poster

swhra · 30/12/2022 09:15

They are shared children…
It was in November when we were starting to plan how to gather that I suggested it
Am thinking was maybe unkind, shd have thought together if using overspill space about who best to use it… can see they might have felt sidelined and take earlier point about unconscious bias, probably true!

OP posts:

Changingplace · 30/12/2022 09:15

Thats quite unfair that you class your mum as ‘nuclear family’ but excluding your inlaws, where was your DH in this decision making process?

How much notice did you give? If you’d said it upfront then that’s totally different to inviting them then deciding closer to the time there was no space, you should’ve thought it through before inviting them.

I wouldn’t be happy if I’d been invited to stay somewhere for Christmas then asked to stay somewhere else at an extra cost - you said you were contributing, so you still wanted Sil and Mil to pay some of the cost too? I’d be annoyed at that if it wasn’t in the plans from the start.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 30/12/2022 09:15

I think a lot depends on how you framed the invitation to sil/mil.

"Please join us for Christmas dinner/brunch on Boxing day" clear invitation they're not going to be there the whole time

"We'd love you both to join us for Christmas/boxing day" to most people would be the whole shebang, including overnight stay. With you.

If I'd had the latter invitation and then was told "oh but you can't actually stay here" I'd be put out too.
.

Original poster

swhra · 30/12/2022 09:19

I suppose we had just decided to gather for Xmas but hadn’t yet planned how to do it- that’s what happened in Nov when I started to plan/think through logistics and then made the suggestion
Take point though that invitation should have been more specific/thought through/clear from the start and point too about where was my DH in all this??
lessons learned!

OP posts:

inkyfingers · 30/12/2022 09:20

It’s reasonable for some to stay in an B&B but you should pay so they are still your guests. I’d have put grown up children together in there. What about your husband’s nuclear family also being together in his house? That wasn’t going to land well.

TrashyPanda · 30/12/2022 09:23

I don’t get what is wrong with adult children sleeping on the floor?

we had 2 lots of guests staying over Xmas and I slept on an air mattress downstairs, because that’s what hosts do - they look after their guests.

Eyerollcentral · 30/12/2022 09:30

You do realise your MIL and SIL are your husband’s ‘nuclear family’. I don’t think you’ll need to worry about organising Christmas plans again because if I was your MIL and SIL I wouldn’t be visiting you again. As for where was your husband in all of this, did you not even discuss this with him before you ploughed on with this hugely insensitive plan? I’m genuinely shocked by your actions.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2022 09:39

How big are your bedrooms and how many do you have? I’d have done sil/mil in one room, your mother and female adult child (if one of your dcs is female), you and your dh in the other. Male adult child in the next best place to sleep.

As for sleeping on the floor - sofa or some kind of temporary bed would be better.

Hongkongsuey · 30/12/2022 09:42

Tbh, the older I get, the less I like staying in other people’s houses-and would certainly not like to sleep on the floor. Queuing for a bathroom and not having a bit of my own space? No thanks. So I’d love the idea of a local inn/air bnb. We did it this year when visiting my MIL. We had a really nice time-she tires easily and goes to bed early so we spent the days there but retired to our inn at night. No-one excluded us and we certainly didn’t feel excluded. My sils were staying in the house so it definitely would’ve been squashed.

chezpopbang · 30/12/2022 09:45

Interesting you didn't ask your family to get an air b&b.

starfishmummy · 30/12/2022 09:46

Definitely make things clear from the start if you do it again. But on the other hand I wouldn't worry because after this debacle they'll probably say no anyway.

pictoosh · 30/12/2022 09:59

I like it how your family are honoured guests while your dh's are surplus. Seems fair.

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