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Original poster

SIL

58 replies

swhra · 29/12/2022 23:00

Ahead of 2 day Xmas gathering which we were hosting (my family joined by my mother, my SIL & MIL) I asked my SIL if she’d mind her and MIL renting a nearby Airbnb so the house was less of a squash (we could fit people in but meant adult children sleeping on floor etc). She was put out and made quite clear she wanted for us all to be under one roof… Was that churlish of her or was I being ungenerous/excluding to suggest they stay somewhere else… a bit precious to think everyone couldn’t squash in for a couple of nights?

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 30/12/2022 10:01

Does your family always come before your husbands, you sound extremely selfish

OrigamiOwls · 30/12/2022 10:01

I'd be hurt if I was your SIL. You've made it clear she and MIL are the least important family members to you (your mum is nuclear family, your DH's isn't?), sprung an extra cost on them and expected them to do a 40 trip to get home once they are no longer welcome at the festivities at your house (so no option of a Christmas drink for one of them).
You've shown them how unimportant they are.

Jakethekid · 30/12/2022 10:02

Fine that they felt sidelined but a 40 minutes drive isn't exactly cross country. How far does your mum live? I wouldn't have my children sleeping on the floor for the sake of a 40 minute journey

SorchaB · 30/12/2022 11:03

Do you have sons? Picture this happening in a few years time and think how you would feel. I pray my son doesn’t have a partner where her family are prioritised as I see in many many marriages, not necessarily in a vindictive way.

also really bad to not ask adult kids who would think nothing of kipping on the floor at a party , to give up their bed for their Nana !!

ilovesushi · 30/12/2022 12:26

I would be put out by the sudden unexpected expense at an already expensive time of year when a lot of people are feeling financially squeezed. Not sure why you thought of it so last minute. It puts her in a hard position as she is going to feel unwelcome either way now.

UsingChangeofName · 30/12/2022 12:28

I guess I thought I wanted my nuclear family together for Xmas and was then including my mum (who I thought should be with us as she’s on her own) so felt like the obvious people to use overspill space was my MIL and SIL

I think this makes it even clearer, tbh, that they should be offended.
How can you suggest that your mother is part of your "nuclear family" but your dh's mother isn't ? Hmm

I mean, full credit to your replies on this thread - you are being very gracious in accepting you might be in the wrong here, but that is very strange thinking. Surely both women are equal grandmothers to your dc ?

In terms of general discussion in the Autumn though, as they only live 40mins away then I don't think you would have been unreasonable to say "We are happy to have everyone here for Christmas day and boxing day as we have the bigger living room , but feel it is going to be too much putting everyone up as well, so are you happy to drive over each day or there is an Air B'nB a few houses down if you'd rather be able to drink, which I can ask about if you like ?"

I was presuming that they needed to stay. (Lived 100 miles + away)
We've been to a few different places over the Christmas period and it wouldn't occur to me to expect anyone to put us up when we were under an hour away. If we weren't prepared to not drink for a day then that is our issue, and up to us to find an alternative, tbh.

Judgyjudgy · 30/12/2022 12:29

I understand where you were coming from. I love family and the chaos, so personally I'd feel put out not staying

KettrickenSmiled · 30/12/2022 12:46

I guess I thought I wanted my nuclear family together for Xmas and was then including my mum (who I thought should be with us as she’s on her own) so felt like the obvious people to use overspill space was my MIL and SIL

This is ... quite amazingly self-absorbed, that you can only see it from your own perspective.
You seem to think that only you have a nuclear family, & that only you get to decide who can stay in your house. How come you didn't think of your husband's wish to have his nuclear family together, in the house he co-owns & gets to make decisions about? Did you even ask him?

Gingernan · 30/12/2022 13:47

I'm a nan now, so not so young and would be happy to stay nearby,whatever the relationship...I need my space. I would pay for myself, but if the boot was on the other foot I would offer to pay for any guests...just how I am really.
Personally I think life is too short to go around feeling slighted,but I feel for those who would.

Mari9999 · 30/12/2022 13:55

I think that any expectation that alternative housing should be found should have been discussed long before the holiday and certainly not 2 days out.

Your way of handling the situation suggests that your mom is a more valued family member than your husband's mother.

If I were the in-laws, this would be the last holiday that I would spend in your home. I would invite you to my home, if possible, or have a virtual visit. How difficult is it to tolerate a bit of crowding for a few days?

whimsical1975 · 30/12/2022 14:58

Unless you all stay under the same roof every Christmas then I find it odd that anyone (aside from your children) would just expect that room would be made for them to stay over. If you initially said your IL’s could stay, and then reconsidered, I can understand why SIL might be hurt. I would never want my adult children to go to an air bnb over Christmas so they would always get first preference for staying over in my house - everyone else would be treated the same unless their individual circumstances differed greatly eg travel times etc I’m guessing it’s bothering you a bit or else you would t have posted so maybe give your IL’s a call, apologise for any hurt caused and invite them over for lunch/dinner/weekend

saraclara · 30/12/2022 15:03

Thats quite unfair that you class your mum as ‘nuclear family’ but excluding your inlaws,

Yep, my jaw dropped open when I read OP's rationale.

Seriously OP, that's appalling. And SIL is absolutely entitled to feel sidelined and that her own mum is being treated as second best.

saraclara · 30/12/2022 15:06

Jakethekid · 30/12/2022 10:02

Fine that they felt sidelined but a 40 minutes drive isn't exactly cross country. How far does your mum live? I wouldn't have my children sleeping on the floor for the sake of a 40 minute journey

It would be two forty minute journeys each day. There and back. And for two days, so four journeys in total. And no drinking on either day.

The no drinking would also apply to the airbnb option.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 30/12/2022 15:26

We've just been to stay with family and had to insist on an airbandb nearby for us so that our adult children, one pregnant, and their partners could have proper beds.

Really had to push it, host was most put out, although his younger adult kids refuse to "camp", as do those from the other family involved!

Always mine put on the floor so I put my foot down.

ModeWeasel · 30/12/2022 15:55

I guess I thought I wanted my nuclear family together for Xmas and was then including my mum (who I thought should be with us as she’s on her own) so felt like the obvious people to use overspill space was my MIL and SIL

This is why they are offended. Think about if it was you in this situation in the future. Maybe revise the way you think about the family and include your DH family too? Or have alternate years for best seats?

I would at least offer to pay for their accommodation if insisting on it.

butterfliedtwo · 30/12/2022 16:34

Awful attitude but the upside is that your SIL and MIL aren't likely to crash your 'nuclear' family occasions again.

Poppins2016 · 30/12/2022 17:35

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 30/12/2022 08:21

Were you going to pay for it?

That was the first thing that crossed my mind. It might be that they couldn't afford to pay for accommodation (and/or couldn't budget for it at short notice).

2DemisSVP · 30/12/2022 17:49

I read it differently. Nuclear family all in (makes sense). This leaves two groups: DM then DMIL DSIL. Rather than asking DM to stay in an Airbnb alone , would make more sense to ask the group of 2, so no one was alone.

not unreasonable to ask if they’d be happy to do this, some would prefer it. As long as as they’re welcome to not take it ! The point is to frame it in right way …

KettrickenSmiled · 30/12/2022 17:52

2DemisSVP · 30/12/2022 17:49

I read it differently. Nuclear family all in (makes sense). This leaves two groups: DM then DMIL DSIL. Rather than asking DM to stay in an Airbnb alone , would make more sense to ask the group of 2, so no one was alone.

not unreasonable to ask if they’d be happy to do this, some would prefer it. As long as as they’re welcome to not take it ! The point is to frame it in right way …

But they're ALL nuclear family. To either OP or her DH, whose opinion or input she seems to have completely discounted.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 30/12/2022 18:07

You offered to share the cost? So you asked them to come elsewhere, told them they couldn’t stop with you and then told them they would have to pay for the privilege?

sorry, but you have some proper grovelling to do for this one.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 30/12/2022 18:10

Oh wow. You’d find a total of zero airbnbs round here for Christmas Day with just a months notice. Plus prices are jacked up. Maybe she hadn’t budgeted for that in November. Some really good long notice so she can budget and decide if she even wants to still come on that basis would make you not unreasonable.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 30/12/2022 18:14

Is this a wind up post about no room at the inn and you’re the inn keeper. I bet the drip feed is that’s she’s pregnant.

nopuppiesallowed · 30/12/2022 18:55

I'm incredibly blessed.
I love my son and daughter in law and know that they love me. Whatever they suggested, I wouldn't take it amiss and would happily go along with it. Feeling slighted or offended isn't an option for us. We're Christians and know what the bible says about taking offence...Proverbs 19 verse 11.

Simplelobsterhat · 30/12/2022 19:00

I read it as the OPs nuclear family is her and her DH and kids (isnt that what nuclear family means?) And then she prioritised her mother on top of that as she was on her own, but mil had sister in law. Not that her mum is nuclear family but mil isnt. That makes sense to me. And I would never assume to stay the night with someone if I only lived 40 min away unless they had specifically asked me.

However, sounds like there may have been different expectations and maybe not handled well. Lesson learnt for next time.

nopuppiesallowed · 30/12/2022 19:06

Sorry. My above post sounds sanctimonious, but for me, as a Christian, it's important to at least try to live in a way that pleases God. I often fail to do that, but I'm trying (very 😐).