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Original poster

Too many gifts from Grandparents

60 replies

Stressedoutsaz · 27/12/2022 23:18

Every year my MIL buys an over the top number of gifts for 2 DDs. Literally boxes full...it includes useful things like clothes (but also pants and socks which are useful but I usually put in stockings) and books (lots) but then lots of things that never really get used/ looked at eg colouring/activity books and annuals (DD prefer to just draw own pics) and lots of sort of stocking filler type 'tat' I would call it. I feel like she is trying to buy all their gifts as if she was the parent.

They get plenty of gifts from others as I have 4 siblings who all gift and they get gifts from some family friends as well.

I feel like it's starting to ruin Xmas as the shear number of gifts she gives takes away from other gifts they are given as lots of things get put aside and not appreciated just because they have so much to open and she has often bought things that others have gifted like pjs. It also starts to take away from small gifts that I've given as stocking fillers as she has also purchased the same/similar items.so I've started only really buying a main present each which has taken away some of my enjoyment.

I want my children to appreciate also that Xmas isn't all about gifts!

I've mentioned it to DH every year and he always says there is too much to her but she sort of laughs it off as 'you know what I'm like I just like buying for them (they are and will be her only grandchildren).

I don't want her to think we are ungrateful but I want my children to appreciate presents more and want to suggest to her she only gets a couple of meaningful presents rather than boxes full of unappreciated stuff. I tried last year saying to get zoo membership instead which she did but then also got all the other stuff as well.

So how do I politely ask her not to buy so much without offending her? She is visiting over New Year and I don't know whether to discuss face to face or maybe write a letter explaining how I feel? Our relationship is civil but I wouldn't say we are close and I don't want it to be made worse! Any suggestions how to approach would be appreciated!

OP posts:
Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 23:27

Sounds like you feel her gift giving is overshadowing what you are trying to do as a parent and I'm not sure if you feel she's overstepping boundaries. Is this the only thing she does that annoys you?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 27/12/2022 23:33

Shouldn’t your DH speak to her as it’s his mum.

I had the same issue with my parents. The amount to engage became an issue because it actually overwhelmed my son and one year he cried and said he didn’t want to open anymore. I stopped seeing them on Christmas Eve for that exact reason.

I asked my parents directly to give them less please or at least ask what is/isn’t useful. I explained I found the excess really difficult, that the children didn’t enjoy too many presents and most of the things ended up being thrown or given away.

my parents still give too much (and also age inappropriate stuff) but they give slightly less. I try to manage when and how we see them for gift exchange and just make note to get rid of some things straight away (even the kids are ok with this).

justasking111 · 27/12/2022 23:38

My lot give me a wish list for all the grandchildren which I appreciate. No tat. I do during the year buy them the odd gift when they are more appreciated.

Give them all a list. No divergence

LemonDrizzles · 27/12/2022 23:42

justasking111 · 27/12/2022 23:38

My lot give me a wish list for all the grandchildren which I appreciate. No tat. I do during the year buy them the odd gift when they are more appreciated.

Give them all a list. No divergence

Re lists make it long, varied, in the price range they are already spending and pick items you realistically think they will buy.

For example, we prefer wooden toys

Anna783426 · 27/12/2022 23:45

We had the same from my in laws and are thinking of ways to avoid it next year. Like you there were a lot of smaller gifts, and practical gifts like fleeces etc. but for a toddler it's just too much - she anticipates something wonderful each time she opens a present.

We are very lucky and have a lot of passed on good quality clothing which is great - we really don't need any more and I've actually put some of the new ones up for sale on Vinted.

In laws are divorced but FiL went way over the top for me as well - about 15 presents which was very kind of him but so unecessary and slightly awkward especially when the majority were in the tat side of things.... Think musical box with soap in.

They came to us this year and we had no opportunity to filter presents in advance - we ended up taking two days to open them all and daughter was totally overwhelmed and the magic was kind of lost. Next year I think we'll just have Christmas with us, and go to in laws in between to spread it out a bit more. And be a bit firmer in suggesting keeping it to one main, thoughtful presents.

Her birthday is on New Year's Eve so I'm dreading facing the same all over again.

AriettyHomily · 27/12/2022 23:58

My in laws are the same. DH asked them for experiences rather than stuff, eg nt membership, cinema or theatre vouchers etc. they did take it on board after a couple of years and it's much better now.

LittleDragonRoo · 28/12/2022 00:06

Visit them at their house to open the gifts, and leave most / all of the gifts there. My MIL is a prolific gift buyer; I just let her get on with it and leave her to over-fill her own toy box. Whatever she buys for the children stays at her house for them to use when they visit.

Alici · 28/12/2022 00:37

Explain to MIL that the children were overwhelmed and a lot of the gifts were duplicates so you are asking people to buy one gift, one item of clothing/pyjama set and then (if they still want to gift more) either give money for their banks or arrange and take them on a day out (or get an annual zoo/aquarium/farm/whatever membership if grandma does childcare and can take them). Explain the children would love to spend more time with her as their gift.

Wetblanket78 · 28/12/2022 01:20

A family member of mine do this. One year I mentioned a remote control car for my son. I would rather they just got him a decent one and got the one gift. But no they got him one of those cheap one's that has the wire attached to it. Then got him a load of other sh*t as well. Said oh we seen that was only such a price so we could buy him more. Ended up in the bin after a few weeks. DS got frustrated because it never went far in front like his cousins. Ended up buying him a decent one with his Christmas money.

user1492757084 · 28/12/2022 03:56

You can't fault your MIL generosity but you can alert her to reality. Let her see the kids opening their presents from all. Have her help tidy up the toys and finding somewhere for new Christmas toys to live. Ask her to help the children to choose ten toys each and six outfits to donate to the Op Shop so as to have room for the new toys and clothes. etc. Gentle hints ..two gifts each is enough for the children .. a pass for the zoo would be a better use of your money than ten extra toys ...from you might improve things. Your husband is the one who should say anything serious.

Fucket · 28/12/2022 04:14

It gets easier as the kids get older. Once they get to junior school the children are able to tell their grandparents what they want. It’s usually money to spend at bowling, cinema or climbing etc.

It’s Over compensation for not being around more I feel. Our parents have bigger homes than us, so we did say can we store it all at theirs and justify it by how little space we have.

atoxk · 28/12/2022 05:10

I have this with my MIL, used to be a big issue for me, however now I realise she's always just trying her hardest. We are the parents now but soon enough we will be the grandmas so can see that view. Realistically it's a crappy view to be mad at a family member for being too involved, because when you become an adult you realise how so many people don't have an annoying mum to look after you. Family can be annoying but it's a privilege as well

pelargoniums · 28/12/2022 05:49

MIL does this. Thankfully it’s all sent by post rather than in person so we run interference: colouring books and activities get donated or put away for when they might be useful – train journeys, emergency birthday gifts for younger children, etc. Stocking filler tat ditto. Clothing donated. Basically we whittle it down to one main grandma present plus a grandma book and one treat/tat item, and also dole those out across the Christmas break instead of all on Christmas Day.

She doesn’t check up when she visits: she buys so much I don’t think she even keeps track or cares, she likes the act of mindless buying, wrapping and sending, not the end purpose.

If your MIL isn’t there for the actual gift opening, could you do something like that? Sounds like much of the stuff she sends could be useful to someone – charity shop, refuge, school jumble sale, etc.

hattie43 · 28/12/2022 06:12

I'm wondering if you could somehow intercept some and either hive them off for birthdays or give them to charity as gifts for less fortunate kids next year . The other option would be give her a steer as to what to buy so you can buy other stuff .
Tbh I think it's rather lovely and it's very common that grandparents like to spoil the GKids. Far better than indifference towards them .

Mommabear20 · 28/12/2022 06:39

We have this with both sides! DH parents and my DM all go OTT with gifts at Christmas and we've got 3 DC! Trying to get them to understand it's not a lack of gratitude, but we simply don't have space in our 2 bed terrace house for 3 (6overall) massive bags of 'stuff'!

Gonnagetacatwhenimovein · 28/12/2022 06:45

Same here. I stash it all and re use as gifts for the kids birthday parties we get invited to throughout the year

RJnomore1 · 28/12/2022 06:52

I’m with you on most of this but surely you czn never have too many pants socks and pjs for small children - and they’re not gifts kids will consider overshadow each other?

How would she react to asking her to put the money into their banks so they have a lump sum for say driving lessons when they’re older?

Climbles · 28/12/2022 08:14

I think you should let this one go. One of the joys of young children is giving them gifts and shopping for them.
Stash what you can to re-gift.

Squamata · 28/12/2022 08:19

When she visits, can you show what limited storage you have and how a lot of gifts can be hard to keep tidy?

I have this with various relatives, every time DC get gifts I think what I'm going to have to clear out to make space for it. It adds up so quickly and a nice experience of gift giving for one person becomes a stress of making the kids give up loved toys or else live with piles of them everywhere.

I often let the kids play with things for a week or two then put them in a purgatory cupboard, if kids don't ask for them in a month or so then they go to charity shop/regifted.

backinthebox · 28/12/2022 08:36

My mother used to do this. Why get one good quality present the child wants when you could buy 10 crap ones for the same money? We had the Christmas the kids were overwhelmed by sheer volume, and even that wasn’t enough to stop it.

What stopped it was the year my keenly artistic DD was old enough to show disappointment and explain exactly why 144 cheap colouring pencils in a really huge box was not quite the same as the 24 high quality pencils in a tin she’d wanted. My mother saw the difference and was genuinely upset, and has been a lot more focussed on smaller but better quality presents for all her grandchildren since. We had to put up with masses of tat for years though. I think for the post war generation that grew up with very little, it was just too tempting when they were able to buy piles and piles of brightly coloured ‘stuff’ with no actual purpose.

RudeElfTheRainDear · 28/12/2022 08:39

Your DH needs to have a more sensible conversation with her than 'it's too much'. That doesn't really communicate that it's a significant problem at all and sounds more like a platitude.

He needs to expalin the impact it's having on the rest of Christmas and perhaps offer he a more useful to channel her generosity. e.g. spend 25% of what she normally does on gifts and the remaining 75% is put into a savings scheme for them to have when they are 18/21 as the start to their adult life?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 28/12/2022 08:55

”I think for the post war generation that grew up with very little, it was just too tempting when they were able to buy piles and piles of brightly coloured ‘stuff’ with no actual purpose.”
^
This is a good point. I expect they didn’t experience excess as a child. Both my parents (who are over givers) grew up in massive families and never had a lot.

Doesn’t make it any better but maybe explains it a little

VoyageInTheDark · 28/12/2022 09:07

We have this problem from both sides of the family. We limit them now to 3 presents per child, which they don't really stick to (in laws wrapped 4 presents together to count as one) but it means they buy less than they used to.

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2022 09:10

Something my dd could only dream of. She has no grandparents, aunties and uncles etc to buy for her.

gonutkin · 28/12/2022 09:11

My parents did the same but were absolutely fine with it when I asked them to reel it in. I told them that half of it goes to the charity shop by June as the kids don't play with it etc and they stopped buying so much. It's not about overshadowing either as me and DH can afford to go mad but don't. I honestly just didn't think they needed to much, some of it doesn't even get opened until the later part of the next year! YANBU