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Original poster

Too many gifts from Grandparents

60 replies

Stressedoutsaz · 27/12/2022 23:18

Every year my MIL buys an over the top number of gifts for 2 DDs. Literally boxes full...it includes useful things like clothes (but also pants and socks which are useful but I usually put in stockings) and books (lots) but then lots of things that never really get used/ looked at eg colouring/activity books and annuals (DD prefer to just draw own pics) and lots of sort of stocking filler type 'tat' I would call it. I feel like she is trying to buy all their gifts as if she was the parent.

They get plenty of gifts from others as I have 4 siblings who all gift and they get gifts from some family friends as well.

I feel like it's starting to ruin Xmas as the shear number of gifts she gives takes away from other gifts they are given as lots of things get put aside and not appreciated just because they have so much to open and she has often bought things that others have gifted like pjs. It also starts to take away from small gifts that I've given as stocking fillers as she has also purchased the same/similar items.so I've started only really buying a main present each which has taken away some of my enjoyment.

I want my children to appreciate also that Xmas isn't all about gifts!

I've mentioned it to DH every year and he always says there is too much to her but she sort of laughs it off as 'you know what I'm like I just like buying for them (they are and will be her only grandchildren).

I don't want her to think we are ungrateful but I want my children to appreciate presents more and want to suggest to her she only gets a couple of meaningful presents rather than boxes full of unappreciated stuff. I tried last year saying to get zoo membership instead which she did but then also got all the other stuff as well.

So how do I politely ask her not to buy so much without offending her? She is visiting over New Year and I don't know whether to discuss face to face or maybe write a letter explaining how I feel? Our relationship is civil but I wouldn't say we are close and I don't want it to be made worse! Any suggestions how to approach would be appreciated!

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2022 09:15

Must be awful having so many people buying your children gifts. Some people really don't know they are born.

oldestmumaintheworld · 28/12/2022 09:18

I had a similar problem with my father buying sweets for my daughter. It was just too much. I asked him to put the money into an account for her instead so that she would have finance for university. My stepmother added her voice to mine and it worked. She ended up with £3k! You could try that.

Fieldfly · 28/12/2022 09:32

Dont have the discussion now though! Wait until the summer!

Tadpoll · 28/12/2022 09:40

Absolutely not.

She is bombarding OP with stuff she doesn’t want and overwhelming her children. I think she needs a stern word.

We had this a few years ago and it came to a head when my DD (4) said ‘Are there any more?’
She wasn’t being greedy - she had just been opening gifts all morning and it felt like a game.

I flipped a bit at the whole situation - there are millions of people in the world I told grandparents

Tadpoll · 28/12/2022 09:41

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2022 09:15

Must be awful having so many people buying your children gifts. Some people really don't know they are born.

I’m guessing from your comment that your kids don’t get very much, and I’m sorry about that.

But the other way around is actually quite serious. If it continues these children will grow up to be entitled and not realise the value of things.

Would you want that for your kids?

Schlaar · 28/12/2022 09:50

It’s a generational problem. Older people who grew up pre-1960s had very little, so they spoil their kids and grandkids. And they have no understanding of quality, because when they were young there was no such thing as cheap Chinese tat - so they aren’t discerning and tend to assume that everything is of an acceptable standard. All you can do is donate stuff.

CuteOrangeElephant · 28/12/2022 09:54

My in-laws can be a bit like that. I make suggestions now, steered towards a big Lego set that DD loves and a puzzle game. They wanted to buy more! But it's being used for a day out instead.

miltonj · 28/12/2022 10:01

My Mil does this and sulked when my husband asked her not to. Next time she saw my 3 year old she told her all the things she had planned to buy for her but that mummy and daddy had said no..... Angry

GardenState · 28/12/2022 10:02

My MIL used to do this. My 3 are older now and she did cut back after my DH asked her to. I used to carefully sort their stockings so they were fair, aligned (e.g. all had socks, all had sweets). She would then pile loads of extra stuff in their stockings - often duplicating what I had got and it was annoying. When the kids still believed they used to say things like "why did Santa get me two copies of the same book" "why did I get three packets of socks". Then it got worse when they told one of the kids where they bought it from...when my youngest was still 5. Anyway, point is DH said something and it stopped. We said we couldn't afford to spend the same on them so it wasn't fair (they also used to spend three times as much on us which was ridiculous).

iloveyankeecandle · 28/12/2022 10:02

First world problems. I have it with my mother in law. She's always in the charity shops getting stuff that's not age appropriate or just total tat that I have to get rid of. I've got a massive pile for the charity shop all the time. She means well but I'd much rather she spent time with my kids than just keep buying them stuff. But how lucky are
Our kids to have it at the same time. I know lots of kids without grandparents

ShornTheSheeep · 28/12/2022 10:07

Completely agree with @lollipoprainbow

When my mum and dad were alive, they completely spoilt my children. I let them get on with it as I'm a firm believer in grandparents being able to form their own relationship with their own grandchildren and if that includes spoiling them at Christmas, then so be it

The way to deal with it is to quietly re gift items or donate to charity or suggest leaving bits and pieces at grandmas house. Lots of options that don't involve having some dictatorial 'chat'

Alternatively, you could make a huge deal out of it, berate the grandma and make her feel like shit and throw your weight around over this total non issue

Singleandproud · 28/12/2022 10:15

Things you know your child won't use go in a cupboard ready for regifting for birthday parties or are donated.

Things your child might use but rarely go in a box for rainy or ill days when having something new is a novelty.

My mum over buys for DD, the few things 13 year old DD actually asked for apart from money my mum has already got her this year (we've not done 'Christmas' yet as DD was at her dad's). I have no 'wow' present this year from me. It's annoying but she gets what shes asked for, she's the only grandchild, my own maternal grandmother died when my mum was just 12 and I think that comes into it - if the worst thing that happens to me is that she over provides then I've made my peace with it. It's just as likely that DDs dad, his GF and their extended family will duplicate presents too. I just pass on the things that I know she won't use.

evemillbank · 28/12/2022 10:31

Tell her straight that it's too much and that you give the excess to charity shops so does she want to just stop, or give directly to the charity shops instead.

gonutkin · 28/12/2022 10:36

@Tadpoll perfect reply to that comment! It's not that people aren't grateful at all

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 28/12/2022 10:42

Honestly I could have written this about my own mum and dad. I have had the conversation many times and my mum agreed to cut back- in her mind I'm sure she did but it is still far too much and creates work for me to tidy out other toys to make room, keep rotating the toys etc so nothing is wasted.

I agree with others, it feels like they are over stepping the mark as being the main gift givers when I think this is a parents privilege. First world problems, I know, but still an issue none the less.

We did mention the zoo pass etc but I think my mum feels my son wont understand this and needs something tangible. It's not to replace time with my son as she sees him multiple times a week, she's just generous as a person and I don't think I'm going to be able to change it.

Hopefully as my son gets older it will become more about smaller, more expensive things such as tech and we won't have the sheer al volume of things to contend with in our tiny flat...,

Soundoftheundergroun81 · 28/12/2022 10:44

Can’t you just take out and put aside all the things you think your dc will not use or have double of and do the shoe box appeal for less fortunate children for the following year, just an idea

upfucked · 28/12/2022 10:47

DH needs to talk to her and get to the bottom if why it’s happening. MIL used to be like this. She wanted to give her GC the things she wanted to buy her children but couldn’t afford to buy. But her GC want something very different which she could give us but doesn’t want too or isn’t organised enough too. PIL are hoarders too and did used to get inappropriate gifts at random times - we always reject them. I’m not feeling very positive towards my MIL today). MIL also wanted to treat all the GC equally but as we have two children we don’t have the space for that amount of toys. She is good a following a very specific list now, the reality is we send her the same links several times as she forgets she has asked and she puts the rest of the money they budgeted into our kids bank accounts.

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2022 11:20

gonutkin · 28/12/2022 10:36

@Tadpoll perfect reply to that comment! It's not that people aren't grateful at all

Sounds like they are to me. moaning about all the presents their children get from all the relatives makes me sad to see my dd who gets bugger all apart from me due to having no family. I don't doubt it can get a bit much and annoying but Christ have some perspective and think how lucky you are.

JudgeJ · 28/12/2022 12:51

I, as a GP, have always stuck to the main present as suggested by a parent, a bit of chocolate, eg small selection box, and something smelly, eg bath bubbles, works a treat. As the grandchildren have got older it's changed a bit, eg the selection box has morphed into Lindor but they still get 1 main present.

Rainbow1901 · 28/12/2022 13:00

All the GCs have roughly the same amount spent on them (we have 10!!) and we are guided by suggestions from the ACs when limited on ideas - we lump a family's presents together and buy a day out somewhere.
One of the GGP's infuriates my daughter by overbuying gifts and then when visiting on Xmas morning says look what Santa left at our house last night!! As far as my daughter is concerned Santa leaves his presents at the end of the bed and anything from family and so on is placed under the tree!! That way appreciation is actually shown to the people who were kind enough to give a gift.

Cherryblossoms85 · 28/12/2022 13:04

Makes me suddenly wish I could ever experience what my father might have bought for his grandchildren.

PinkFrogss · 28/12/2022 13:18

Does DC go to theirs often? You could try and leave some of it there in future for DC to wear/play with while visiting or staying over.

GiltEdges · 28/12/2022 13:29

My DMum is exactly the same and as much as it sounds like a nice problem to have, it’s tarnished Christmas Day for us the past couple of years as DS is just completely overwhelmed by all the stuff.

DMum actually stayed with us over Christmas this year and witnessed it for herself when he had a huge meltdown mid present opening on Christmas Day. We ended up putting the rest away and have been bringing a couple a day out for him to open since, which has been much better/calmer for him.

I really hope it’s made her realise that when we ask for fewer presents it’s because we’re thinking of DS, not just being scrooges, but we’ll see when his birthday comes around in a couple of weeks…

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 28/12/2022 13:53

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 28/12/2022 10:42

Honestly I could have written this about my own mum and dad. I have had the conversation many times and my mum agreed to cut back- in her mind I'm sure she did but it is still far too much and creates work for me to tidy out other toys to make room, keep rotating the toys etc so nothing is wasted.

I agree with others, it feels like they are over stepping the mark as being the main gift givers when I think this is a parents privilege. First world problems, I know, but still an issue none the less.

We did mention the zoo pass etc but I think my mum feels my son wont understand this and needs something tangible. It's not to replace time with my son as she sees him multiple times a week, she's just generous as a person and I don't think I'm going to be able to change it.

Hopefully as my son gets older it will become more about smaller, more expensive things such as tech and we won't have the sheer al volume of things to contend with in our tiny flat...,

Why is it a “parent’s privilege” to buy stuff for their children? Are you seriously envious because your childrens’ grandparents give them presents? That’s just beyond ridiculous. Are you scared your child will love granny more if she buys a better gift?

girlfriend44 · 28/12/2022 14:03

op your right to be concerned. Grandparents are over spoiling the children and every year they will expect more and more. Making a rod for their own back springs to mind. It will also make your life hard.

Children dont need lots of presents. If people are that well off sponsor a child or help children in a foreign country with nothing. Another alternative is too put money away for a child in later life. Sounds like these types of grnadparents have no sense.