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Original poster

I was absolutely correct to cancel MIL's Christmas visit

85 replies

Worstdilhesaid · 26/12/2022 22:09

I started a previous thread, DH invited MIL for Christmas against my wishes. I was happy for her to visit after Christmas but I looked into trains on 24th and 27th and noticed there were issues. I messaged MIL and asked her to visit after Christmas, she said she'd come in January.

Even with no train strikes or issues with ticket sales it would have been an absolute disaster because...

Since Friday 23rd approximately 7pm DH has been in a semi-comatose state on the sofa for much of the time. He's even managed to nap through Shaun The Sheep and a Skype call with my parents. No he's not drunk, not drunk a drop, he's simply exhausted from a gruelling couple of months of working non-stop in challenging conditions. He does spend time with us and the DC, but he falls asleep on the sofa by 7.30pm and then sleeps through the night 11pm-9am even when both kids are up in the morning and baby DS still wakes up at night. I don't mind at all, he does need the rest and he does prepare food and do housework.

He's simply not in a shape to host someone, and MIL is a shy, awkward and unsociable person who would need hosting and looking after. I'll remind DH about this next year if he plans to invite her again. If we went to my parents his constant napping wouldn't be an issue at all and DP would be delighted to help look after DC. He's simply not in a shape to host anyone here! I feel rather smug now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Worstdilhesaid · 26/12/2022 23:12

@choppolata the question you should have asked is did DH call his MIL, as in my mother. My DP aren't here either because my DF has to work and they live far away. And no he didn't call my mother, I did!

OP posts:
Rainbowlights · 26/12/2022 23:20

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 26/12/2022 22:55

Remember youll be an MIL one day OP. Dont remember your earlier post. If you feel smug you got your way and your DH is tired then well, meh. You won this round by cancelling MIL, one day some one will cancel yours. What goes round comes round.

I was about to say this too! You won’t feel so smug then if the role was reversed. There will come a time when you won’t be as important in your childrens lives.

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 26/12/2022 23:21

I Was Absolutely Correct Not To Comment On Your Previous Thread.

SolitudeNotLoneliness · 26/12/2022 23:21

There are no winners in this one, that's for sure

Upwiththelark76 · 26/12/2022 23:23

OP you actually don’t sound very nice.
Sorry you DH is exhausted . Sorry
your MIL couldn’t visit . Sorry
you feel so smug about it all

LookItsMeAgain · 26/12/2022 23:40

I remember your other thread, you were bang on the money here. You could see it coming and you managed the situation very well (even if it was your DH's/partner's mother).
I also think that you have every right to post that the situation has unfolded just as you thought it might and you're now going to be ready for whatever visit your mil might make in the new year.

Hope you and your other half have had a really relaxing time without the pressure of hosting guests/family!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 26/12/2022 23:56

I'm desperate to know what your husband does for a job. He just sleeps for 10 hours straight at bed time and still dozes on the sofa all day?

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 26/12/2022 23:57

I remember your other post and nice you have the place to yourselves instead of feeling you have to entertain her all the time as you said she just sits there all the time she visits and does not go anywhere or move around. Yes it is not up to you to ring her as it is his mum and is true what you say when you have been working really hard it is only when you stop that the exhaustion hits you. Let us know how her visit goes when she's over next. I would get yr husband to take her out somewhere at least gives you a bit of breathing space as hard having someone around you all the time and will get her out and about.

Soakitup37 · 27/12/2022 00:13

I think relieved is the word I’d use, smug sounds self-righteous which isn’t the tone op was trying to convey….

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 00:22

Rainbowlights · 26/12/2022 23:20

I was about to say this too! You won’t feel so smug then if the role was reversed. There will come a time when you won’t be as important in your childrens lives.

Show quote history

And that's how it should be. I can see where problems arise when the MIL thinks that she is equally important. I've always told my children that the primary relationship is the marriage relationship and, once you're married, parents come second. (Yes, I'm a MIL and I stand by that).

Fraaahnces · 27/12/2022 00:26

FGS don’t wait until next year to remind him. Strike while the iron’s hot and start reminding him now. Keep reminding him at frequent intervals until she asks again next year and then reassess. Maybe it will have sunk in!

Onthecuspofabreakthrough · 27/12/2022 00:33

I have a toddler who has just stopped napping and a breastfed baby, I'm not going to be a martyr and do my husband's job for him.
Except for being the only one up with the baby and in the morning with the dc. Still, his sleeping ties in nicely with your plans so you'll hardly complain about that!

EarringsandLipstick · 27/12/2022 00:51

I remember your other thread; you made the reason then all about the train strike, and telling MIL not to come being linked to the potential, in your view, that she'd have to stay with you for longer than expected. This thread, you appear to believe you are vindicated because your DH was shattered so there would have been no point in having MIL there.

The last thread, while you had valid concerns, the point was it wasn't your call to make.

I can't see why you feel smug. You may have had reasonable concerns about MIL coming but you handled it dreadfully. Now you've a DH who is semi-comatose due to a busy job - how busy can it be that it means he checks out of Christmas?
It sounds like you've a lot of decisions to make in the new year.

Snosages · 27/12/2022 02:08

Regarding you DH's tiredness… might be an idea to send him off to the Docs for a blood test?

Momtotwokids · 27/12/2022 02:42

But your husband cooks and cleans but can't manage to stay up to visit with his mom?

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/12/2022 05:26

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 00:22

And that's how it should be. I can see where problems arise when the MIL thinks that she is equally important. I've always told my children that the primary relationship is the marriage relationship and, once you're married, parents come second. (Yes, I'm a MIL and I stand by that).

Show quote history

Ridiculous. You know there are lots of different types of relationships, not everyone gets married or is interested in marriage, right? Your relationships with your parents, siblings, adult children and friends can all be important and these can change from time to time. Weird that you have told your children that "the primary relationship is the marriage relationship" like you are instructing them to get married.

Clymene · 27/12/2022 05:51

I'd be making him an appointment with the GP. That isn't normal behaviour for a fit healthy adult.

lifeinthehills · 27/12/2022 07:15

KickHimInTheCrotch · 27/12/2022 05:26

Ridiculous. You know there are lots of different types of relationships, not everyone gets married or is interested in marriage, right? Your relationships with your parents, siblings, adult children and friends can all be important and these can change from time to time. Weird that you have told your children that "the primary relationship is the marriage relationship" like you are instructing them to get married.

Show quote history

Well, if you want to read it that way, feel free. Not all my kids are married, but if they do get married, the marriage is the primary family for them.

I don't insert myself inappropriately or cry to them over their decisions about where they are spending Christmas this year. Of course, that applies to all the grown children, not just the married ones.

I guess that's important to me because of a MIL who interfered with my marriage because she thought she should be at the centre of everything and cried when we didn't come for Christmas (long travel) or made decisions for our family that didn't suit her plans for us. Probably why we haven't seen her for 15 years while I have a great relationship with my grown kids. I don't treat them as an extension of myself.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/12/2022 07:19

It sounds like you made the right call OP.

In an ideal world your OH would gain some insight in how to pace himself regarding his energy levels, how to make plans he can cope with and communicate this with others. It's not fun when you have to take on a managing role but I get that you can't change him.

ReneBumsWombats · 27/12/2022 08:12

If we went to my parents his constant napping wouldn't be an issue at all

Yeah, I bet it wouldn't.

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 27/12/2022 08:25

yanbu and people are being weird to criticise your choice of words. you were completely right that a house guest would have been too much.

however I hope that he can find a better work pattern that means he can cope with Christmas (and other breaks) in future without retreating into catatonia - he and you and
the kids are missing out if this is allowed to happen every time

Hercisback · 27/12/2022 08:26

It's not normal that he needs so much sleep when he has down time, you both need to look for more sustainable lifestyle changes.

You seem a bit smug and not in a kind way.

Hobbesmanc · 27/12/2022 08:50

You don't have any affection for his mum judging from your unkind description of her. Glad you're feeling smug now

Smugness and spite aren't an attractive trait you know.

PinkButtercups · 27/12/2022 09:12

You sound like a b*tch tbh. I don't get why you'd feel smug. Nasty.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/12/2022 09:33

Usernamenotavailabletryanother · 26/12/2022 23:21

I Was Absolutely Correct Not To Comment On Your Previous Thread.

Agreed. Same.

Your dh needs a trip to theGP.