AIBU - SIL/BIL not making any effort with gifts

[britsabroad]

Two weeks ago my SIL messaged asking if we were still buying Christmas presents for the kids. We have always bought small Christmas presents for the kids (£10-15) and I do my shopping throughout the year to make it affordable. Not to mention I'm the last one to have kids so I've been doing this for 10 years, my son is 3. (She messaged the same thing last year, asking if we were still buying) . I said I had already bought presents this year, as it was so close to Christmas. She said fine, then asked me what to buy? Does this annoy anyone else or just me? Why do people ask? Takes the joy out of buying gifts. I said buy a book, as that gives loads of scope for different budgets/preferences. Then she messages - which book? I suggest an author. Then she asks specifically which book. I mean ffs. Then today other BIL messages with a photo of some second hand lego in a carrier bag, and a message that says "I bought this second hand for your son for Christmas, I'm not going to bother to wrap it up."
I'm totally happy with second hand toys as gifts, I've bought my son a second hand scooter and second hand books for Christmas. Its the fact that he can't be arsed to wrap it up. And has left it to the last minute.
I'm seeing both sets of BIL/SIL this week - do you think I can say, why don't we not bother next year? I think they'll jump at the chance to opt out. I personally like to buy really thoughtful gifts, I bloody love Christmas. If you can't be arsed, why should I? I would much rather spend money on those that appreciate it. I don't think it's a money issue for them because we have another family member that told us last year she couldn't afford to buy kids presents & everyone understood. Both sets of BIL/SIL are financially well off. Also they never say thank you either! Really winds me up.

It sounds like they get no pleasure from giving gifts. It’s a chore to them and they don’t see the point.

Next year, either suggest no gifts from the outset, or when they ask for ideas suggest some money into DC savings account or a voucher. You could still buy for their DC if you wanted to.

I think they can't be arsed and are disorganised. I think they'd be over the moon to stop buying gifts, so yes I think you suggest it for next year.

This thread proves what Christmas is and I, we don't do gifts other than to our children and grandkids.
Only spend you can afford and don't forget Christmas is one day a year but food and fuel bills are 352 days a year.

Just suggest early on that you don’t do gifts next year, some people find buying gifts and knowing what to get for the right thing stressful, doesn’t sound like they enjoy the prospect- just announce it early enough.

What about the other 13 days of the year? Or am I missing something? 😂

@Minikievs maybe they don't eat or pay bills those days

Sorry, how many days? sorry - just looked it up - i feel stupid but honestly, not sure why i posted that as i have always thought there were 353, sorry

If they can't be assed then just suggest moving forward that we will no longer be exchanging gifts for the children. I have a similar issue with my own brother, he has 3 children all under 10 and I have always bought them a small gift at chrimstas and for their birthdays. I have a 6 year old and a 6 month old baby, they never bother with birthday gifts for my eldest and christmas is either nothing or something that's inappropriate. It drives me nuts. I have thought so many times about stopping gifts but I want my nieces and nephew to have something from us so carry on and hope they feel shit about their lack of effort.

It's OK, that made me actually lol. I think the stress of Christmas and life is getting to me. Have a great Christmas 🎄 😀

Just because you enjoy buying and choosing a gift, doesn't mean everyone does. I personally prefer to buy what the children want so would be like your sil. I find buying for others now a real chore if I'm honest.

After Christmas have the conversation and say " let's cut out the gift giving fir the kids from now on, everyone gets too much etc etc" . I'm sure they'll be relieved.

For some people they love choosing and giving gifts, it's even one of the 5 "love languages".

For others it's a massive chore and only done to try and meet the social expectations.

I imagine your family are in this camp and you are in the former. Nothing wrong with either.
But I think it's very kind to suggest not doing presents next year

They clearly don't want the presents and never did!

God why do people insist on gift giving and then get pissy about the recipients response!

"Hey I made you a cup of tea"
"No thanks I'm not thirsty"
"But I've made it now, you have to drink it"
"No thanks"
"Drink it, you ungrateful shit"
"..."
"Right now it's your turn to make me some tea"

Some people are gifters other people are not. Maybe next year say OK no gifts if its easier

Whilst yes gift giving should be your chosen thing to and not to recieve but I'd be pissed off that I've been giving to their kids whcih they have been happy to take and now as their kids are older they are hinting to stop gift exchanging because they can't be bothered to make the effort for your kid. In our family we made a rule kids get bought for unitl aged 18.

This is a bigger issue to me of them not being as fussed about my kids but bet if you did that when their kids were younger they would have sulked.

Why not suggest a day out nearer Christmas instead of present exchange.
Some people find present buying stressful, especially if it's just done out of obligation.
Or just allocate a gift you've bought on their behalf and them vice versa if you want your DC to know they've got a gift from family.

I have the same issue with my in-laws. My DC really appreciated presents. We never give or get expensive presents but genuinely, the thought really counts to my kids. They love their aunties and uncles and it made them so happy to have a physical reminder that they have been thought about. Small kids are very physical creatures after all. One of my SILs clearly CBA and has got the rest of the family to agree that they will buy their own kids’ gifts and “allocate” one of the gifts as if from an auntie/uncle. My kids are getting older now so I just explained we weren’t doing extended family gifts any more, it’s a charade otherwise. But I feel sad because I think it is important for my DC to learn to be givers now, so we have sent little gifts from them to their cousins who are smaller than my DC and said to put it in the stocking if they don’t want to say it is from us.

So in your position I would say something like “I recognise that buying gifts is a hassle, but I got your kids gifts for 10 years and now you seem not to want to get gifts for my 3 year old, so how do you suggest we go forward?” and then just deal with it in whatever way makes it make sense for you and your kid. It’s not worth falling out about, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love your kid. They are a bit lazy and crap. But we all are in one way or another.

Yeh I totally get some people aren't gifters and can't be arsed, but god what a miser you must be to find present buying a chore, just tell everyone you don't want to do it. I just think it's a bit rude/CFish when it's something they've been happy to do when it was convenient for them (when their kids received gifts over the last 10 years, often sending me lists of what they wanted, and they all have 2 kids each) Also I always make sure I send the kids birthday presents but my sons birthday was in October. Two BIL didn't send anything but one did give the birthday gift to me this week when I was home. The other SIL sent something in the post which arrived 2 weeks late. I know we live abroad so postage is expensive but I offer lots of ways around this (give the gift to a relative that's visiting or leave the gift with my mum as I usually pay for a big box of stuff to be sent out, or suggest I buy something). MIL bought son a birthday gift but wrapped it up in Christmas paper lol. Last year one BIL didn't buy a Christmas gift at all for my son. I just feel like saying if you can't be bothered, then don't bother at all. But at the same time I'd hate for nieces/nephews to think I didn't care. I think it's just my husbands side of the family though. They don't make much effort with each other so Christmas on that side definitely feels like enforced fun.

Don't apologise, I actually went off and googled it to double check as I thought I was going bonkers

They obvious don't care about buying presents and it seems to be a chore for them . Next year suggest no gifts or selection boxes only .
Ps I'm with you I love buying for people and taking care to wrap nicely .

god what a miser you must be to find present buying a chore

Nothing to do with being a miser. It's not knowing what to buy so the recipient likes the gift, but doesn't already have the item, it isn't too big/noisy/messy for their parents.

Also having to choose from an overwhelming selection, a lot of which seems to be overpriced/poor quality, having to take time to go and find something or choose online and wait for deliveries, then wrapping and storing the gift until it's time to hand it over.

If you're already time poor or stressed with life, having to spend time on gift giving when you'd rather not can tip you over the edge.

Frankly there are more important things to worry about in life...

It really is ridiculous how Christmas has become some commercial, stressful madness rather than a day of fun to just enjoy.

Be grateful she will get your kids presents, whatever they are, and stop worrying about things that frankly don't really matter.

Many people are bad at choosing gifts and don't enjoy the process. Hardly something to dwell upon.

I think if gift buying is stressful, expensive, time consuming and not appreciated then I dont see the point, life is to short to worry about material stuff.

Id rather take someone for a coffee and cake then worry about buying a gift if it causes me stress. Kids don't need constant piles of stuff to show that Auntie Mary loves them.

While I give my one niece a gift at Christmas, I've (or my late husband, as the other kids are all in his side), have never given the umpteen others gifts.
I was also the last to have a child in my extended family, and I used to send gifts to one cousin's three kids. Rarely got an acknowledgment and one year she even said that the kids got so many gifts she couldn't remember what I had given, but thanks (this was months later).
Never again.

You can totally style this out with reminding everyone it’s Christmas for 12 days and you are planning ahead for 2024 which is a leap year! 😊