AIBU - SIL/BIL not making any effort with gifts

[britsabroad]

Two weeks ago my SIL messaged asking if we were still buying Christmas presents for the kids. We have always bought small Christmas presents for the kids (£10-15) and I do my shopping throughout the year to make it affordable. Not to mention I'm the last one to have kids so I've been doing this for 10 years, my son is 3. (She messaged the same thing last year, asking if we were still buying) . I said I had already bought presents this year, as it was so close to Christmas. She said fine, then asked me what to buy? Does this annoy anyone else or just me? Why do people ask? Takes the joy out of buying gifts. I said buy a book, as that gives loads of scope for different budgets/preferences. Then she messages - which book? I suggest an author. Then she asks specifically which book. I mean ffs. Then today other BIL messages with a photo of some second hand lego in a carrier bag, and a message that says "I bought this second hand for your son for Christmas, I'm not going to bother to wrap it up."
I'm totally happy with second hand toys as gifts, I've bought my son a second hand scooter and second hand books for Christmas. Its the fact that he can't be arsed to wrap it up. And has left it to the last minute.
I'm seeing both sets of BIL/SIL this week - do you think I can say, why don't we not bother next year? I think they'll jump at the chance to opt out. I personally like to buy really thoughtful gifts, I bloody love Christmas. If you can't be arsed, why should I? I would much rather spend money on those that appreciate it. I don't think it's a money issue for them because we have another family member that told us last year she couldn't afford to buy kids presents & everyone understood. Both sets of BIL/SIL are financially well off. Also they never say thank you either! Really winds me up.

My BIL hasn't even gotten gifts for our kids (or any of his nieces and nephews). Prick.

Oh yes this!

I exchange gifts with my oldest school friend. I always ask what to get her and her kids and she checks if pjs are ok for mine but never asks me what I want. For the last five years at least, every birthday and Christmas she gets me something from a tv show that hasn't been on in 20 years. Yes I loved the show then, and I occasionally enjoy a re-rum but no, I don't want themed bags, tea towels, aprons (x2), games, drinks coasters...

Just ask what I want! For the record, nice shampoo ie £6-£8 stuff rather than the £2-£4 I buy myself or nice shower gel - I don't think I am expensive or difficult to buy for!

I hate choosing present for people because I really want them to like what I get and find it very stressful, it's not that I don't want to get presents for them, I just get anxious they won't like it and it will be a waste of money. I always ask my sister what to get my nieces so I know I will get them something they like not something they will regift or that will sit in the back of the cupboard taking up space.

Two weeks in advance sounds quite organised for me! Just bought my last presents yesterday (Xmas eve eve)

I agree that not wrapping presents is half arsed, and kids should always be the priority at Christmas, however my family ask about 99% of the time what to get for the kids. I never used to, but as my nieces and nephews are getting older and likely a lot more picky, I'd much prefer they get what they want and I know they'll enjoy.

Just go with no gifts from next year. It pisses her off, and her being pissed off pisses you off. No one is winning.

If you stop, the kids can get any extra books from the library/the planet is being battered by less tat / you are richer / everybody wins / Yay

I’m sure the family of the gent that I nursed as he died last night don’t care. So honestly, neither do I.

I got told off for buying my niece a present one year without checking with BIL what she might want (but got told from other BIL who was there when she opened it she absolutely LOVED it and was playing with it over everything else, so suspect that was the real problem). Now we have to message to ask him what she might like each year.

I now message my sister and 2 BIL's each year for ideas so that the kids get something they want, and don't end up with duplicates. 2 of my nephews are my sisters step children and sadly I only see them maybe 3 or 4 times a year, but it means I don't know them well enough to know what to get them. I try to send messages for the other nieces and nephews to say "would x like this or maybe this for Christmas this year" so I'm not expecting them to make all the effort. I don't usually get it too wrong!

Personally I'm with you OP - the pleasure is in the choosing the gifts and getting the right gift for someone, and often some of the best presents you receive are ones you would never have considered getting yourself!

I always note that families that do this were those that had their children 'first' ... and were happy for everyone to buy their children gifts year after year, but then when other relatives finally have children, aren't quite so keen on the tradition any more. Funny that.

My sil sends wish lists from her children so we know exactly what to get for them/ we don’t have children so not a big deal.but we all do wish lists and always get what we want or need.

My ex MIL and ex BIL start hassling me in October what to buy for the DC. It drives me nuts. Firstly they could ask exDP who is the children's father and also a competent adult. I remind them of this every year. Secondly how hard is it just to choose a small book or game or tshirt etc? Thirdly if you really can't cope with choosing a gift then money/vouchers are acceptable. Unless I give very specific instructions as to what each of the DC require the messages continue at least weekly all through October and November. This year I replied "DD needs a dictionary for school" and I got a barrage of messages "what type, what size, exactly what does she need it for?" I feel as though there's no enjoyment for them in gift giving as they're so worried they'll get it wrong, it's a stressful event for them.

Well I think this thread has shown how subjective gift giving in. I love gift giving and trying to find something a bit different, something thoughtful that they might not have picked for the kids - in laws usually buy toys for their kids but I try to choose an activity/game/books and avoid tat - along the lines of kumi bracelet maker, grow your own butterfly set/kids letterbox subscription/fossil set/lego. I don't always get a thank you though from in-laws so maybe I've been getting it wrong sometimes. I hate being given a list of what to buy, I think its rude and takes the fun out of it but that's just me. If we all gave each other lists then yes we would get things we wanted but no surprises, feels a bit joyless. Sometimes if I'm not sure I'll suggest options to choose from.
It seems from this thread, that lots of people find gift giving stressful. I've made up my mind though that I'm going to suggest they don't bother with gifts for the kids next year and instead we have a family day out when we are able to all get together once a year and I'll see how that goes down.

I feel as though there's no enjoyment for them in gift giving as they're so worried they'll get it wrong, it's a stressful event for them.

You managed to sum up exactly how I feel. I stress over getting it wrong, so much that it saps the joy out of it. I hate wandering around shops when they are busy browsing for stuff. I hate even doing it for me.
Tell me what you want and I'll get it.

I think what you should take from this thread is that everyone is different and a truly thoughtful person would understand that and not necessarily impose their ideas on others.
I had to look to see what a kumi bracelet maker was but by god! To me that really is the definition of absolute tat. Plastic crap that gets looked at once, shoved in the back of the cupboard and sent to landfill two years later.
Your SIL is trying to buy a present for your child that both he/she and you will appreciate. Having spent 20+ years receiving random presents from SIL/BIL that I don't want or like, I think you should be grateful that she cares enough to want to get something you'd appreciate.
And I suspect you may change your mind when your own child is old enough to have an opinion

That is so mean towards your children. Seriously, I would stop buying for their children. If they live close enough, instead of Christmas presents can you not arrange a pre Christmas film, local pantomime or ice skating for all the children - that way yours don't miss out and the children get to meet up.

the pleasure is in the choosing the gifts and getting the right gift for someone, and often some of the best presents you receive are ones you would never have considered getting yourself!

that's the pleasure for the giver ... but what about the recipient? They might occasionally get an amazing present they would never have chosen themselves, but IME most of the "thoughtful" gifts are things you wouldn't consider getting yourself for a reason, so you'll got through way more bad gifts than you will good ones. Most people would rather have no gifts than 4 bad ones to every good one.

See I definitely prefer lists of things to buy/avoid. Most of the kids in our family are autistic (like the adults!) and very much don’t do surprises. I prefer people not to impose surprises when I’ve clearly said kiddo can’t cope with it. And it helps me to have guidance on what to buy/not buy. None of us like to waste money either (don’t have it to waste!) A family day out sounds a good solution.

Oh this made me laugh- I'm sorry to break it to you, but my daughter received no less than 4 DIY bracelet kits for her birthday (November) and Christmas from various people, as well as 3 Lego sets. I'm afraid your gifts, although well intentioned, are not very original.
I absolutely hate shopping at any time, and Christmas is the absolute worst for me. Gift buying, planning etc is an absolute chore and just another item to tick off my long 'to do' list. I actually cannot understand how anyone can ENJOY gift buying (or shopping in general).
Your idea for a family day out sounds like a good compromise.

kumi bracelet maker, grow your own butterfly set/kids letterbox subscription/fossil set/lego.

To be honest, all these things just seem like clutter fodder, or we have them already. Someone gave some sort of "make a bracelet" kit a couple of years ago; sorry to sound grumpy but we just don't want any more random plastic in the house. Those flipping beads got everywhere once the bracelets broke (which took 8 seconds) and I keep discovering them in random corners two years later!

It's extremely hard to choose "original and thoughtful" presents for people you rarely see. If it's the perfect gift, they've probably got one already or something really similar.

I think it's better to ask each other what to buy, or suggest an exchange of vouchers or money. Or if your relatives are literally saying out loud "Are we still doing presents this year??" I'd take the opportunity to just knock the gifts on the head, and suggest that your family and theirs both just saves the money and spends it on meeting up for a day-out with the kids when you are back in the UK. Going back to the UK is always so expensive that I personally prefer to save money for our visits home, and this is another reason why me and the rellies mostly don't do gifts these days.

I think this message proves the point. Your "something bit different, something thoughtful that they might not have picked for the kids" are exactly the sort of things that absolutely everyone gets children of a certain age. I think at one point we had 10 make your own bracelet kits and, because DD was known to be artistic, we were given more craft stuff than one child could use in 10 years (my colleagues' younger children were very grateful :) )

IME many "thoughtful" gifts are only thoughtful in the eye of the giver who gets pleasure in thinking of the gift, whilst not caring that the recipient then has to pretend to be grateful and then work out what on earth they want to do with it.