AIBU - SIL/BIL not making any effort with gifts

[britsabroad]

Two weeks ago my SIL messaged asking if we were still buying Christmas presents for the kids. We have always bought small Christmas presents for the kids (£10-15) and I do my shopping throughout the year to make it affordable. Not to mention I'm the last one to have kids so I've been doing this for 10 years, my son is 3. (She messaged the same thing last year, asking if we were still buying) . I said I had already bought presents this year, as it was so close to Christmas. She said fine, then asked me what to buy? Does this annoy anyone else or just me? Why do people ask? Takes the joy out of buying gifts. I said buy a book, as that gives loads of scope for different budgets/preferences. Then she messages - which book? I suggest an author. Then she asks specifically which book. I mean ffs. Then today other BIL messages with a photo of some second hand lego in a carrier bag, and a message that says "I bought this second hand for your son for Christmas, I'm not going to bother to wrap it up."
I'm totally happy with second hand toys as gifts, I've bought my son a second hand scooter and second hand books for Christmas. Its the fact that he can't be arsed to wrap it up. And has left it to the last minute.
I'm seeing both sets of BIL/SIL this week - do you think I can say, why don't we not bother next year? I think they'll jump at the chance to opt out. I personally like to buy really thoughtful gifts, I bloody love Christmas. If you can't be arsed, why should I? I would much rather spend money on those that appreciate it. I don't think it's a money issue for them because we have another family member that told us last year she couldn't afford to buy kids presents & everyone understood. Both sets of BIL/SIL are financially well off. Also they never say thank you either! Really winds me up.

My brother and his wife are like this. This year they asked if we could just do presents for the kids, which is great except for the fact that I don't have any kids. I'm expecting one but I won't have it by Christmas.

They got us nothing last year so it'll be interesting to see if they bother this year. My brother helpfully told me what he had intended to get us (vouchers) as though that were the same as actually getting us a gift. I'm his only sibling and they do secret santa on the other side of the family so it's not as though there's a huge number of people to buy for.

They also never thank me for presents I've given them or their 3 children.

Its not necessarily about being a miser. It’s life getting in the way.

I’m a support worker, so I’m working right up to Christmas on low wages. I cannot take time off, and I have to work extra hours right now to make ends meet. I’m really lucky that my colleagues have made it so I can have Xmas day and Boxing Day off to spend with the 2 very small grandchildren I have custody of. By far the best Xmas present I can have.

How small minded do you have to be to not understand that time constraints on people can mean that having to fit in Xmas shopping on top of everything else can be a ‘chore’.

What about people who have lost loved ones this year but still have to buy for families? Are they allowed to view it as a chore?

What about this with illnesses, crippling mental health issues?

Please don’t label everyone that finds Christmas difficult as misers. It’s just plain ignorance.

Op they clearly don't like exchanging gifts. Personally I'd stop it and suggest time together instead.

There could be various reasons why they don't want to do it, cash rich time poor, hate shopping, have specific things they want rather than what other people think they want.

Being a miser has nothing to do with it. I happily give my teen neices £50 cold hard cash rather than spend hours wandering around trying to find a gift for them (that they'll probably return for something else)

@Rachie1973 that sounds tough but that's specific to you, not them. They work part time, have lots of disposable income. It's not about being small minded. If you had lost a loved on then I wouldn't worry about buying anyone anything, obviously, thats a different set of circumstances.
In this case, they just can't be arsed, it's out of laziness. It's not time consuming to purchase a gift online. Im just not going to agree with you on this one. I'm fed up with the cant be arsed generation/thoughtless gifts. I think giving cash is a cop out. No one bothers to write Christmas cards/thank you cards anymore, it's been replaced with a text message or a moon pig card. Can't be bothered to wrap presents. Perhaps I'm asking too much but I like to buy thoughtful gifts and I'm an all or nothing person. So if you can't be arsed to take 5 mins out of your then just make up an excuse and we can scrap buying presents. Which is what I'm going to suggest.

I find Christmas presents a chore so I guess I must be a miser (is this some definition of miser I've not come across before?)

It's very easy to buy a present online but it's pretty difficult to buy a present you can be sure the recipient will like. I spend Christmas getting a bunch of things I don't appreciate; thankfully most of my family have now learnt that "please don't get me anything" means not to get me anything.

You obviously like buying and receiving gifts. Not everyone does.

OP, I always ask people what I should get as gifts, because I don't like clutter, tend to assume that most other people don't like clutter either, and am therefore concerned about buying something that the other person does not want (or already has) and thus burdening them with something that takes up space in their home - or with the task of having to freecycle it or take it to a charity shop.

Think how many threads there are on here where people complain about or make fun of inappropriate gifts. But then if you ask people "what should I buy," some people get annoyed at you for asking! It's like you can't win.

Suggest to your in laws that you just put money into the kids' bank accounts or send them a voucher. Not everyone is into present shopping, and your gifts may not be as well chosen as you think they are. I have a couple of people in my life who love giving gifts and pride themselves on being "thoughtful" present shoppers, and I'm afraid I've ended up quietly freecycling quite a few things they have given me. A phonics book for my child (using a phonics scheme I don't like - I am particular about reading instruction method and like to choose my own stuff). A pencil case for my other child because she like drawing - yes, but she already has a dozen bloody pencil cases that other people have given her because they all had the same idea! Etc. etc.

Yes it is, however you commented that people that don’t enjoy it are ‘misers’ and I pointed out that you’re actually wrong.

Perhaps I'm asking too much but I like to buy thoughtful gifts and I'm an all or nothing person. So if you can't be arsed to take 5 mins out of your then just make up an excuse and we can scrap buying presents

How do you know your "thoughtful" gifts are actually wanted?

I started burning scented candles to get them out the cupboard. Someone then gave me electric candles as they thought they were safer and I appeared to like candles.
Really thoughtful but not what I wanted (they do get used in pumpkins)

Yes it's dead easy to spend 5mins ordering something online but actually choosing something takes time, and nobody ever really knows what books people have read or what toys kids have.

My children have two relatives that never ask what to get DC and never tell me what they have got. I dread their presents tbh, because without fail it is something they either already have or something generic they won't like. Eg dinosaur themed everything for my son who hates dinosaurs, LOL doll everything for my daughter who hates LOL and always books we already own. Despite prepping my kids not to say anything if they get something we already have they will forget and instantly blurt it out and it's just embarrassing. I wish they'd ask for ideas or stop doing gifts. It sounds like you just haven't dealt with years of gifts for your kids that are off the mark... and they have.

I do have one sibling who always used to ask me a week before Christmas if we are gifting for other this year, and that was annoying as it was too last minute to suggest not doing gifts so I appreciate that. But it is not wrong to ask what gift. Guessing doesn't always work.

Oh jeez. You know I really notice since I came back to the UK how miserable and negative everyone is. Where is the Christmas spirit! Glad I moved overseas where life is more cheery and there's a more positive outlook.

Nah you're definitely a miser @Rachie1973

But people aren’t being miserable, they are explaining why a lot of people do ask for advice when it comes to giving gifts.

I actually really enjoy Xmas because I actually exchange gifts with very few people and that means that the focus of the season is on getting together with people for dinner, drinks, parties, zoom chats, etc., rather than on sweating round trying to work out what the hell to get people, stressing that I’ve got something wrong and will just annoy them, and then trying to find space to store a bunch of unwanted items that people have bought for me.

The kids in our family actually get vouchers or cash these days, and enjoy some shopping by themselves after Xmas is over, which is fun for them and something to look forward during the otherwise rather depressing month of January.

@user375242 I've had the duplicate books and stuff before it's just so embarrassing when kids just blurt it out.
The last time I suggested the duplicate stayed at Granny house. She was most offended however it did mean she started asking for ideas.

Not sure where you were abroad but it could be a combination of factors why people are different.

Bigger houses so more space for stuff, less likely to look at something and think - where's that going?

Less environmentally aware. We are all bombarded with messages about reducing waste and stuff going to land fill.

UK isn't particularly cheap, on paper it's a rich country but really cost of living is high. People just don't have money to waste. Duplicate and unwanted gifts are waste.

People work longest hours in Europe so are often time poor.

So you posted on here wanting everyone to agree with you and aren't happy that they don't? I love giving and receiving gifts but find it much easier for some people than others. Some people buy terrible gifts (if any of my family are reading this, me and Mr G hate Mustard and have enough novelty seasoning to last a lifetime). I don't want to buy or receive tat, I'd rather just buy or receive something from a list, or even better a promise of a lovely day out. Not everyone is the same, if you don't like how they do it then make it clear you aren't doing presents next year and don't expect anything from them, I'm sure they will be thrilled

It sounds like they were fine when you were buying for them. Now they need to reciprocate they are less keen. It's a shame for the children.

@converseandjeans more like when it was just Op buying they couldn't figure out how to say No, without sounding ungrateful.
Usually people stop these things when the phone call is made, "Any ideas for kids Christmas?" Eh no they are getting too big / too much / no ideas, etc Maybe we should do panto or day out instead?

This. I'm not sure it's true that people in the UK 'work the longest hours in Europe' but otherwise, those are the reasons why people don't want to spend a lot of time and money on gifts.

Plus I also don't see how 'lots of effort on gifts' equates to 'cheery Christmas spirit'. Whatever happened to enjoying nice food and drink, seeing friends and family, walks in the snow or to see the lights and decorations, having time off work to relax, the start of daylight getting longer again, Christmas TV and films?

That's what a good Christmas means to me, not exchanging a load of stuff that most people don't want or need.

I enjoy spending time with my family, eating nice food and relaxing at Christmas.

Is that not the Christmas spirit?

Forcing people to do things they don't enjoy and forcing other people to be grateful for the "thoughtful" gift they didn't want, I don't see as being particularly in the Christmas spirit.

So they've happily accepted gifts for a decade but now it's your turn they can't be arsed?

Why wait? Message them saying they should give what they've bought to their own kids and we'll knock the gifts on the head from now on.

@gamerchick Given the kids are different ages how does that work?

Op - so not many actually agree with me, so lets start calling everyone misers and insult all british
Have you ever thought that just maybe your dh family don't always appreciate the gifts you send , maybe you duplicate something they have etc
Why not just opt out and but your kids a few extra gifts, thats easier for everyone
Also you added you live abroad so sending is more awkward and expensive

I'd hate to have you as my in law. You've created an expectation of how things should be, and if others don't live up to it or abide by it they're misers?!
Gift giving is such a chore when there's so much other things that need to be done, particularly when you have your own children.
The fact they used to give you a list and are now asking what your children would like maybe shows they appreciate that people don't need loads of pointless shit and it's better to know what a child wants or needs. I much prefer people to ask what my children want so o don't have to do ten trips to the charity shop to offload it on January 3rd.
You are wildly unreasonable. And have too much free time

Maybe they’re asking for specific gifts as a hint that they want you to do the same? Maybe they dislike random gifts and prefer gifts the kids actually want? 🤷‍♀️
my parents give me money, then I buy presents for my kids ‘from nana’. It means they get gifts they want. My parents certainly aren’t misers.