PIL’s giving too many / wrong presents - how to nip in the bud?

[PlumPudd]

My (otherwise lovely) PILs are a bit of a nightmare when it comes to presents for our toddler.

They usually ask us for suggestions before birthday / Christmas. We don’t have loads of room and want to ideally ensure that toddler isn’t too spoiled and gets things we know he will play with / use for a while so we go back and say “thank you so much, we were thinking of getting him a story player, or a trike, so you could contribute to one of those, or he’d love a puzzle or some animal books, let us know if you want to get any of this as if not we’ll get it.”

Then then come back saying this stuff is dangerous for his age (it isn’t but MIL is very into safety and caution and thinks we expose toddler to too much risk and that any time he gets poorly it’s probably our fault), or that they don’t think toddler will like it and they’ve seen something else that toddler will love. They then turn up with car loads of stuff that is a) HUGE b) TOO YOUNG for him or b) COPIES of stuff he has e.g. a wheely rabbit when he already has a wheely duck, a play tepee when he’s very happy with his cheap ikea play tent. We then have to send lots of pictures of toddler playing with these things (often staged) and they ask every time they come, oh why isnt toddler playing in his teepee? Toddler toddler come away from that dangerous trike, sit in your teepee. (Toddler is hauled off trike and put wailing into teepee) There see, he loves it, isn’t than nicer than that dangerous trike.

How to kindly nip this in the bud? It’s getting worse and they are now turning up to almost every visit with presents as well as overwhelming the toddler at festivals and birthdays. DP won’t push back much, as says it’s more about MIL than about toddler and that she gets v anxious about being generous enough and wanting to do the right thing - which is true, she also brings us heaps of food, toiletries, fancy homeware etc. Seems grinchy to complain about presents but it’s always stuff we don’t use or need but that has to be kept and displayed e.g. a crystal jam pot that we then have to decant jam into.

Do I just deal with it or is there anything that can be done? Feel this is a common problem so looking for advice from those who know. Should say PILs are ace, and other than the present thing and obsession with danger they are brilliant and I actively look forward to spending time with them and having them around toddler.

I'm sorry, I have no advice to give you as I have struggled with similar issues in the past and not really properly resolved it, but this:

Toddler toddler come away from that dangerous trike,

is truly nuts.

I have one of these

If the trike thing was to happen and esp at my house i would say he was playing in the teepee this morning, he's enjoying the trike for now and not let them pick him out of it.
If they went to pick him out out of it I'd literally say no leave him and go near so they won't.
And just say he's fine, we are all watching him etc.

My MIL is also over cautious but over time I've learnt to say he's fine I'm watching him to try make her relax.
Doesn't always work and I'm sure she'll go home full of anxiety but DS is fine

it used to grind my gears, when my dc were little, and I used to let parents and in laws know what toys they liked, offering suggestions, then they’d turn up with random stuff that the dc wouldn’t play with and I had the headache of finding somewhere to keep it before donating to a charity shop.

DP turned up with a garden, two seater, swing one year. We had no garden big enough for it. I suggested they put it in their very large garden for dc to play when we visited. No, they didn’t want to do that as it would spoil their lawn having kids running all over it 🙄

I always ask my DC what I can get for GC. I take one present each for them on Christmas morning (The toy suggested to me) and wrap puzzles, books, arts and craft sets etc for them to open when they visit me. Those then stay at mine for them to keep busy when they visit.

Maybe you could suggest the toys they buy could stay at nanna’s so they have something to play with at theirs?

You could have a general chat about how you have too much stuff in your house and are running out of room. Throw in a bit of environmental friendly thinking too and say you are trying to limit the amount of stuff you have.
Also say he doesn’t play with half of his things as he has too much.
Get comfortable with taking half of their stuff straight to the charity shop. If they ask where something is, say you’ve put it away for now. Stop being so grateful and sending photos.

TBH you sound REALLY ungrateful, I though you where going to say she shows up with bin bags full of broken/missing piece/dirty charity shop items that are wildly age innapropriate (GTA for a 4 year old etc...).

Those however sound like GREAT gifts and as a mother of several I struggle to believe a toddler dispises and is 'too old' for a teepee etc...

I do get being irratated at TOO many things (maybe open a dialogue about limited space at home if thats the issue) and it seems you have an issue with feeling your being undermined with your choices which is fine (you are the parent not them) but the complaining the gifts aren't good enough (when they are actually really great non 'tat' gifts) is just coming off bratty.

It's utterly bizarre. We lived in a tiny flat when DS was first born which was great - most people completely understood that this meant we had no room and got us small and thoughtful gifts. MIL got us massive things that DS literally didn't have room to use! The logic was apparently that we'd move into a bigger place eventually and he'd use it there...

One thing that worked for us was very specific suggestions of quite expensive things. I think MIL wanted to get a star present in a way? Rather than contribute to something or getting him accessories to something he already owned. So she didn't want to get him tunnels for his wooden train set (which he would have adored, and we ended up getting for him) but would buy a fancy Duplo set.

get comfortable with taking half of their stuff straight to the charity shop. If they ask where something is, say you’ve put it away for now

I wouldn't try too hard to stop her buying things. Just donate any too big or duplicates to charity or a toy bank.
Things can also get 'broken'.
She obviously gets a lot of pleasure from buying your family things - it's the way she's showing love.
DS wont be small forever and the tide of toys will stop.
I would probably be a little firmer around the fear of him doing dangerous things around her.
This was a nice approach.

if the trike thing was to happen and esp at my house i would say he was playing in the teepee this morning, he's enjoying the trike for now and not let them pick him out of it.
If they went to pick him out out of it I'd literally say no leave him and go near so they won't.
And just say he's fine, we are all watching him etc

They do sound absolutely bonkers but generous spirits.
First off, if they are your in-laws then I wouldn’t say a word about the wrong gifts!
Next time they ask about missing toys, perhaps a mention of passing some on to children’s charities in a regular clear out of doubles and oversized toys? That might give the message and show you are also being thoughtful 😇
As for the dangerous trike 🤣 nothing but a few well executed wheelies by your toddler, and a mention of building ramps, won’t fix. See if you can have fun with it. I have similar PILs and humour seems the only way..xx

I don’t think there is a kind or subtle way to do this OP.

we have one do these but distance keeps a lid on it and DH has got better at directing them over the years.

i tolerate what I can and give away what I can’t and try not to dwell on the money / resources wasted.

can you redirect to something they can feel good about?

‘DC has so many toys, please donate to his child ISA instead’?

it does sound like there’s some controlling of your parenting / reliving of her parenting going on too.

you have to be more direct on that. Don’t let them force the toddler to change his game to please them.

firmly give back or give away some things they’ve given you, and let them know.

ive been firm with MIL on some things and DH thought I was being rude. But MIL has adjusted a bit on the basis of my very clear feedback.

Tell them about the Junior ISA you've started to help fund his college education.

That, instead of presents, you would appreciate contributions.

We always get vTech toys and the ages on the box are always ridiculously out of kilter with the actual suitability of the toy. Drives me bonkers as it’s always such a waste!!

Charity shop is your friend. Move stuff on if it doesn't suit.

Who could be bothered with crystal jam pots - where do you even go to buy such an item?
Are you sure your not being given charity shop finds or old wedding presents of theirs that have been stored in the loft?

I think the jam jar could have an accident, or get damaged in the dishwasher.

LO will let her know soon enough when he'd had enough or her directing his play.

Oh and the other thing I'd do is stop sending photos, your sending mixed messages and hitting her happy buttons.

Oh look theirs toddler having fun with x. I'll buy y.

Hello, I am a granny/nanny to 4 small grandchildren. I could be described as over generous, my only reason being my siblings and I had nothing growing up and I didn’t ever want my children to go through the same.

However, instead of buying unwanted gifts I take direction from my daughter & son for grandchildren presents, and if I feel they are not generous enough I buy them premium bonds or put money in the parents bank account to buy annual family memberships to activities which are becoming extortionate for parents to afford. This goes down well and I keep my over buying to getting things to stay at ours for all the grandchildren to use. Good luck. x

Those however sound like GREAT gifts and as a mother of several I struggle to believe a toddler dispises and is 'too old' for a teepee etc...

It's not a great gift if the child doesn't like it... That's the problem with "overly-generous" people, in their mind they are being generous but actually they're not, they're being very egotistical, buying presents that make themselves feel good, whilst the feelings of the recipient are considered irrelevant.

The issue with the teepee wasn't that the child despised it, but that it was pretty much a duplicate of a toy he already had (and both are very large so will take up space unnecessarily). My mum does this... "I saw you've got x, so I bought you another one" .... erm... and what on earth am I supposed to do with two identical copies of the same item..? It's just creating waste, stress and faff. And on top of that you're supposed to act grateful for the thoughtless inconvenience they've inflicted on you too. It's enraging.

@NiroJac that's what bank / premium bonds is what normal people would do.

This sounds more like shopaholic behaviour buying for the sake of it outwith occasions.

I used to prepare a list for family (lived in tiny place overseas) then suggest money into their savings account

I have similar issues except my child is older. It goes like this

1. Grandma asks for present list from child
2. Grandma might or might not buy anything on the list.
3. Grandma will avoid large ticket items (fine, but see 4.)
4. Grandma will spend £100s on cheap shit from China that is gimmicky, duplicates, useless, bulky and just downright crap.

Why, oh WHY can she not just buy one very much longed for big ticket item?

Who could be bothered with crystal jam pots - where do you even go to buy such an item?

Me. Now I've heard of them, I want one. Who can be bothered to use a butter dish? - also me

@CovertImage same 😂

@PlumPudd I get what you're saying but they're clearing being generous and it's obviously the love language there. Her worry about the trike etc. well that's also just part of her. You look forward to seeing them and that's lovely, you try talking but it might not work!

If they buy duplicates of things you already have or items that are very similar, can you suggest they’re left with the grandparents so there are some nice things for DC to play with when you visit them?

I have a family member like this. I told them every Christmas for twenty years to cut it back. They never listened even remotely so I gave up.

I also have someone like this. I explicitly said to please only buy a few things from the (requested) list this year, as we got 30 gifts for a one year old last year from this person.

I believe they've bought five from the list and two not from the list, so it's an improvement.

I've tried to be open-minded as some of the things I would never have bought have actually turned out to be really popular with DC.

Like a pp, I also suggest a big ticket item for them as I think they like buying the star gift.

If it's a duplicate we are open about exchanging or regifting it. Occasionally I keep the one they give me and get rid of my own instead.

@CovertImage @NKFell you are welcome to my crystal jam pot 😁 I can also offer you a set of lavender handled cutlery (for best), a wall mirror, several toiletry gift sets, many many tins of luxury crystallised and marzipan fruits, novelty egg cups, coffee spoons (yes they are different to tea spoons), a set of green chopping knives, a silver tray, two sets of napkins, an extra bread bin for spare and a set of jelly moulds.

@PlumPudd 😂perfect!