PIL’s giving too many / wrong presents - how to nip in the bud?

[PlumPudd]

My (otherwise lovely) PILs are a bit of a nightmare when it comes to presents for our toddler.

They usually ask us for suggestions before birthday / Christmas. We don’t have loads of room and want to ideally ensure that toddler isn’t too spoiled and gets things we know he will play with / use for a while so we go back and say “thank you so much, we were thinking of getting him a story player, or a trike, so you could contribute to one of those, or he’d love a puzzle or some animal books, let us know if you want to get any of this as if not we’ll get it.”

Then then come back saying this stuff is dangerous for his age (it isn’t but MIL is very into safety and caution and thinks we expose toddler to too much risk and that any time he gets poorly it’s probably our fault), or that they don’t think toddler will like it and they’ve seen something else that toddler will love. They then turn up with car loads of stuff that is a) HUGE b) TOO YOUNG for him or b) COPIES of stuff he has e.g. a wheely rabbit when he already has a wheely duck, a play tepee when he’s very happy with his cheap ikea play tent. We then have to send lots of pictures of toddler playing with these things (often staged) and they ask every time they come, oh why isnt toddler playing in his teepee? Toddler toddler come away from that dangerous trike, sit in your teepee. (Toddler is hauled off trike and put wailing into teepee) There see, he loves it, isn’t than nicer than that dangerous trike.

How to kindly nip this in the bud? It’s getting worse and they are now turning up to almost every visit with presents as well as overwhelming the toddler at festivals and birthdays. DP won’t push back much, as says it’s more about MIL than about toddler and that she gets v anxious about being generous enough and wanting to do the right thing - which is true, she also brings us heaps of food, toiletries, fancy homeware etc. Seems grinchy to complain about presents but it’s always stuff we don’t use or need but that has to be kept and displayed e.g. a crystal jam pot that we then have to decant jam into.

Do I just deal with it or is there anything that can be done? Feel this is a common problem so looking for advice from those who know. Should say PILs are ace, and other than the present thing and obsession with danger they are brilliant and I actively look forward to spending time with them and having them around toddler.

@mam0918 it was a lovely teepee, the issue was more that he already has a foldable play tent which they’ve seen him use many times, and the teepee was bought instead of something we suggested to them which was deemed not right for him.

Most of their gifts are nice and good quality, but they are often things that are much too young for him e.g. a teether when he has a full set of gnashers, a simple stacker which would have been perfect for him a whole year ago. Or dupes of things we have, e.g. the teepee - however lovely it was he did not need a teepee in addition to his tent

We have a present limit for grandparents after DS was overwhelmed with gifts for his first Christmas. They were explicitly told not to exceed this limit.

sounds like she enjoys shopping...be firm and say you dont have space. I have a generous friend who knows i hate junk and clutter yet each year buys me a mountain of totally unsuitable items....luckily, she is lazy and wont ever visit me for more than 2 minutes as i have given all the stuff each year to the local food bank or told her i lent items to other friends who she doesnt know...its quite depressing tho....she is well off and shops non stop and is also quite childish so buys awful silly expensive items...have told her not to but does not listen !

The ISA for future education is a good idea. Or can you ask her to maybe fund a hobby or activity? MIL we are really running out of room, so we are cutting back on presents this year, but would you like to pay for his tumble tots, music tots class and maybe you can come with us occasionally and see how much he loves it?

you could then carry this on when he’s older with granny always pays for one of his hobby’s, and then maybe a few of the “object” bits to go with it- so if he plays football when he’s older she can buy the boots- or if he plays an instrument she can buy music books? One hobby can always then be “her thing”

Stop staging photos of the things! Say “Thank you very much for the [duplicate whatever]” and take it to charity/Freecycle/Olio etc. If they ask after it later either tell the truth or say it’s in the loft: “We don’t need two play tents/duplicate whatevers.”

Physically body block them if they try to remove your toddler from a trike or other toy/activity he’s enjoying and you’ve judged safe.

But really, stop the photos and the using the unwanted stuff, it sends the wrong message. MIL bombards us with crap and I no longer even open the parcels.

Get him an Evel Knievel outfit, a balance bike and a ramp.

Ignore those saying you are ungrateful. This is really annoying when you have little space. It does sound like someone who loves to shop but also as your DP said, maybe there is anxiety there. As someone said above they overshop a bit as they didn't have that stuff when young and anxious their grandkids should have things. Other people might be anxious to express love through lots of gifts. It sounds like she is actually a really lovely person you like a lot so maybe it is about sitting her down and saying how grateful you are and how she's just a brilliant grandma and you really love to see her, but explaining the space (and waste) problem and how getting too much stuff is a bit overwhelming in a small space. Perhaps you could suggest a limit on one or two really great things that you could maybe discuss together or maybe suggest something more experiential like a special trip to something toddler friendly or tickets to something or other which you can all enjoy together to cut down on some of the stuff buying.

I have had something similar to this - absolutely lovely people who used to load us down with huge and unwieldly gifts, often when we were travelling miles by train or bus. One time I tried to "forget" them just to have them rush out the house with them before I went. It was just so awkward transporting huge heavy bulky items on long journeys and they were not items I wanted or needed. We did have a talk with them in the end and agreed only small/token gifts were best. Which worked well.

DP won’t push back much, as says it’s more about MIL than about toddler and that she gets v anxious about being generous enough and wanting to do the right thing - which is true, she also brings us heaps of food, toiletries, fancy homeware etc. Seems grinchy to complain about presents but it’s always stuff we don’t use or need but that has to be kept and displayed e.g. a crystal jam pot that we then have to decant jam into.

Too often it ends up being the “wifework” to decant the jam/photograph the teepee/display the homeware/etc as well. Ten to one that’s the case here?

I would be telling DP that it’s fine if he doesn’t want to push back but reminding him that he and you are the two adults who get to decide what’s in your house, MIL is not one of those people. So you will no longer be sending follow up photos or making special effort to display stuff, if she asks then you’ll be deflecting with “oh I’m not sure, you’d have to ask DH…” and anything completely unsuitable (like the teether 😳🙄) you’ll be taking straight to the charity shop.

Basically your DP would rather she waste her money than him have to man up and have an awkward conversation.

@Merrow Same here. We live in a flat - it's a reasonable size, but we don't have a playroom or anything and yet, suburban in-laws persist in buying us absolutely enormous toys that we don't have any space for. The best/worst was a vast hot wheels shark garage that took up half the floor space in DS's room.

They're baffled by the fact that we're voluntarily living in a city center garden flat, so I think it's maybe an assumption that any time now we'll grow up and move to a nice suburban new build and stop it with this city-dwelling nonsense.

MIL is like this but for many other reasons we don’t see her any more so now she sends vouchers. The last time we saw her was Christmas a few years ago and she turned up with a bin bag for each child (3 DC) full of stuff. Clothes in the wrong sizes, toys we already had, a watch for an 11 month old etc. I exchanged what I could and took the rest to the charity shop.

I agree with not sending any more photos, it’s giving the impression the presents are used and wanted! Vinted is also really good for selling on toys I’ve found and then you could put the money in an account for him.

I think it's a control exercise for MIL tbh. But you don't have to keep the stuff you've said you don't need. Just give it to charity. If they ask where it is say a friend is borrowing it. Or it broke,

Accept with kindness and then donate to a local children’s play centre/charity.

i have never understood daughter in laws who get uptight about this type of stuff. Maybe because I have an unpleasant mil and would love for her to have been like this, instead of cold and unpleasant.

We then have to send lots of pictures of toddler playing with these things (often staged) and they ask every time they come, oh why isnt toddler playing in his teepee? Toddler toddler come away from that dangerous trike, sit in your teepee.

Stop rewarding them.

But people say to donate as though it’s easy. If I want to donate something, I have to find time to drive to my nearest charity shop, walk to the shop to see if they will accept my donation (they wouldn’t usually answer the phone if I called), walk back to my car, lug the stuff up the escalator and then go home. It takes at least 50 minutes.

i have never understood daughter in laws who get uptight about this type of stuff.

Because it's not true kindness. True kindness would take into account what the other person wants. If you are knowingly causing the other person a massive inconvenience (which, a pile of useless unwanted gifts taking up all the space in your house does cause) and refuse to stop when asked then you aren't doing it to be nice to the other person, you're doing it to feed your own ego.

Sorry @Sewannoying , don't know why I ended up quoting you there, although I agree with you.

Also, idk about anyone else, but when I get given gifts that are going straight to charity, it really weighs on my mind and makes me feel so guilty that I'm being "ungrateful" for the gifts. I'd honestly rather not receive them in the first place... or just receive a reasonable amount than live with the guilt and hassle of having to dispose of them.

No problem SillySausage. I understand it’s because of how the quote function works.

A spare bread bin? For best?

I sympathise OP. I have a similar issue with my PILs. They don't buy things they think DD wants; they buy things because they're bored & have a shopping addiction, & they've already filled their own house up (literally, they've got whole areas of the house they can't even access because it's stuffed full to the ceiling). People who say you're being ungrateful etc, obviously don't understand the enormity of the situation. It's the issue of storing or disposing of literally several bin bags full of their purchases every month. It's not reasonable to expect you to sort it out - it takes time and effort - quite aside from the waste of resources & money that would be better spent or something else, or just left in your PILs account, for something they might actually need.

Don't worry about being "ungrateful" for unwanted purchases. This is a mental health problem. It's like any addiction - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, & you can't cure it. But you do need to learn to say no to letting the stuff through the door. From now it should be festive occasions only, tell them you don't have room for it & just hand it back, no discussion. Every time. If your DC goes to their house, check any bags that come back, it's amazing what will "accidentally" get left in a bag. No clothes, shoes, comics, anything. Any gifts need to be restricted to birthday & Christmas/other religious holidays. You'll need to be on this for years. (Voice of bitter experience.)

They can knock themselves out filling their own house up as much as they want.

Can you channel to paying for something eg farm annual pass or toddler activity classes.
So they still get pics of toddler enjoying what they’ve bought but not stuff.

My BIL has really upset my SIL doing this.

BIL lives in a massive detached 5 bed house. His sister lives in a small 3 bed semi.

BIL and his wife keep buying the biggest presents they can find, despite SIL making a comment about space. We've as directly about what they'd like and SIL said directly they don't want big gifts because they have no where to put them.

We've been to see BIL last weekend and we've been given gifts to take to SIL next week. If we'd been in my car, they wouldn't have fitted in. SIL is going to be seriously pissed off.

They done the same to us before we moved to our current house. Just totally ridiculous gifts and usually just the thing on offer at amazon that week. There isn't any thought to it. I've made a point of buying things with sentimental relevance where I can.

We've also previously tried to tell BIL not to do presents for adults. We didn't buy for them one year after discussing it with them. They turned up with presents for us.

They are utterly tone deaf. It's about them not buying for the receiver. They have a thing about showing off status. We just think they can bore off with it and they are sad cases. If you spend £30, they will make a point of spending £50.

For SIL it just embarrasses her and rubs it in her face that her brother is much more successful than her.

He's also bought noisy musical type presents when she's explicitly asked him not to before too.

We've agreed to get SILs kids something small to open and then have a bit of money to go do something with them at some point.

I believe that people like BIL who are this tone deaf can't be told. They will keep doing it with a "but it's only" or "i just thought" when of course they didn't think. It's all about them and their ego. Or point scoring.

At this point we are economically as well off as them if not better off and DH's career is at a comparible level. BIL has to be the best for everything though. He hates the thought of his siblings doing anywhere near as well as him. He's in his fucking 40s ffs. And he's still doing this competitive shit and trying to dominate them. It's eyeball rolling immature and we stopped playing a long time ago because we are secure and have nothing to prove to anyone, least of all him. Hyacinth would be a good nickname for him.

Ive taken to never letting DS open crap we have no space for or he isn't bothered with or is just tat now. I either 'disappear them' or put in a pile and see if DS asks, until I just regift them or give away.

My point here is, just get rid of stuff to people who will appreciate what you are given. You aren't obliged to keep it.

Its not worth the argument. They don't get the problem because if they did they wouldn't do it despite you making a comment or telling them outright. If they don't listen they've put you in a position where you don't have much of an option, because they've already removed your other choices. In BIL case it's emotionally manipulative.

I don't think its ungrateful. It's just them being fucking ignorant and rude but dressing up as kindness. That's massively passive aggressive.

I don't quite know how SIL is going to react to the unwanted gifts. It's dead bloody awkward. We had planned to go to hers in my car...

Plus the kid misses out on a gift that they genuinely would appreciate or be valuable for the future. such as premiums bonds/savings etc.

@RedToothBrush please, for your SIL's sake, tell your BIL that you can't transport the item, because you are using the other car. You are just enabling your BIL otherwise, & next year he'll rope you in again. If a family member did this to me, knowing how I feel about it, I'd feel really upset.

I fully agree @Sewannoying. It's even harder to "just donate it" if you don't have a car.

As the parent of boys (now men) I found this sad to read. It’s always the PIL who get it wrong! In my (and many friends) experience, the mother’s parents are priority, close to the grandchildren, as their daughter facilitates it and the PIL are outside looking in. We love our grandchildren just as much but maybe are a bit out of touch because we’re not included as much as we should be. The maternal grandmothers hang out with their daughters and DGC so they know exactly what to buy, how to be and are just general top dogs. I’m not sure whether it’s brattish, as someone said but if you’ve given birth to a DS then think on because this could be you one day.