PIL’s giving too many / wrong presents - how to nip in the bud?

[PlumPudd]

My (otherwise lovely) PILs are a bit of a nightmare when it comes to presents for our toddler.

They usually ask us for suggestions before birthday / Christmas. We don’t have loads of room and want to ideally ensure that toddler isn’t too spoiled and gets things we know he will play with / use for a while so we go back and say “thank you so much, we were thinking of getting him a story player, or a trike, so you could contribute to one of those, or he’d love a puzzle or some animal books, let us know if you want to get any of this as if not we’ll get it.”

Then then come back saying this stuff is dangerous for his age (it isn’t but MIL is very into safety and caution and thinks we expose toddler to too much risk and that any time he gets poorly it’s probably our fault), or that they don’t think toddler will like it and they’ve seen something else that toddler will love. They then turn up with car loads of stuff that is a) HUGE b) TOO YOUNG for him or b) COPIES of stuff he has e.g. a wheely rabbit when he already has a wheely duck, a play tepee when he’s very happy with his cheap ikea play tent. We then have to send lots of pictures of toddler playing with these things (often staged) and they ask every time they come, oh why isnt toddler playing in his teepee? Toddler toddler come away from that dangerous trike, sit in your teepee. (Toddler is hauled off trike and put wailing into teepee) There see, he loves it, isn’t than nicer than that dangerous trike.

How to kindly nip this in the bud? It’s getting worse and they are now turning up to almost every visit with presents as well as overwhelming the toddler at festivals and birthdays. DP won’t push back much, as says it’s more about MIL than about toddler and that she gets v anxious about being generous enough and wanting to do the right thing - which is true, she also brings us heaps of food, toiletries, fancy homeware etc. Seems grinchy to complain about presents but it’s always stuff we don’t use or need but that has to be kept and displayed e.g. a crystal jam pot that we then have to decant jam into.

Do I just deal with it or is there anything that can be done? Feel this is a common problem so looking for advice from those who know. Should say PILs are ace, and other than the present thing and obsession with danger they are brilliant and I actively look forward to spending time with them and having them around toddler.

I have one of these. Asks for a list, is given the list, ignores the list, turns up with the contents of B&M. DD2 got 5 tea sets from her one Xmas, I shit you not!

I have no advice, it’s infuriating and completely about her and what her vision of Xmas should be.

But (and I’d never have said this 10 years ago, I must be getting old!) she loves it, the children love it and she won’t be here forever so maybe just let her buy the presents and get good at squirrelling things away. You can always regift things that are still boxed, as dc gets older there will be countless parties that require presents.

As for the interfering DC will soon be able to tell her what he wants to play with!

Nah. When I was a kid it was my paternal grandmother giving us the small but thoughtful gifts while my maternal grandmother bombarded us with tons of stuff we didn't really like or have any space or use for. And now it's my own mother who does the same to my DC. It's a personality thing, not a circumstantial thing. Whether it's driven by ego or shopping addiction or having "gift giving as a love language" - but coupled with thoughtlessness... materialism induced by anxiety, wanting to one-up everyone else... We have seen many different reasons for the behaviour just in this thread alone, but none of it is to do with being the mother of sons. Anyway, in OP's specific case, she's explained she always tells them explicitly what things the child would like and they choose to ignore her, so they can't use the excuse that they've been frozen out.

@Cyclinggran how was your relationship with your MIL?

Yes your read lots of IL issues on MN but that's partly because it's a relatively safe place to vent. And there are so many people on here that someone else is bound to have hit the same issue.
And different people have different ways of handling it.

3/4 years ago I followed posts on here by a woman who was really struggling with clutter that her mother kept bringing her. So it's not just ILs.

The grandparents in this case do "know exactly what to buy" because they ask and are given specific suggestions. It's just that they then completely ignore those suggestions.

My parents spoiled my kids massively. They'd waited a long time for grandchildren. Their presents were thoughtful though - they managed to get their hands on a Teletubby for eldest when they were almost impossible to buy that year. DM bought them a Gameboy between two and DF said, they needed one each, so DM went back and bought another one. Then upgraded to Nintendo DS. Santa came to both houses. My parents loved it; my kids loved it.

When my DM was dying, shortly after my DF had passed suddenly an unexpectedly, she was in my house and commented on the mess in my family room. I told her, "that's down to you lol"!!! We'd lost them both before my eldest turned 10, and I am forever grateful that I let them have those few years of being doting grandparents.

I do get what you mean and having three sons I keep this in mind. I think it's different in different families though. In our circumstances both my mother and my parents in law and ourselves all live in the same town. My husband works four days a week and always makes sure our boys see his parents on his day off, so we replicate that daughter hanging around with her mother knowing the kids better there. I have two days off a week and see my mother with the kids if she's not working that day. On an average week we probably see in laws twice and my mother once or twice as family is very important to us. As it is for everyone but sharing the day to day stuff is important to us. One grandma isn't preferred by the kids and it's probably mother in law who knows what they are into and the day to day stuff a bit more than my mum as my mum's still working full time. Also in laws are more confident with doing nappies etc and have done more childcare for us than my mother, again because she works. I hope in the future I will be close to my DIL's if I have them but would definitely ask them about Christmas presents etc and listen to what they say. At the end of the day relationships are two way and both need to make an effort.

Not in this case, @Cyclinggran. PILs see the toddler more because they are younger, healthier and geographically closer than my parents. And both DP and I share the load of organising and childcare and both make a point of involving the others parents as much as possible. Plus I explicitly said in the post how much I like PILs and having them in our and toddler’s lives.

If you aren’t being included in your son’s children’s lives, you need to hold your sons accountable for not doing as much of the inviting / organising / parenting / planning of festivals and birthdays and days out as their wives are. Perhaps if your sons did more, you’d get included more.

@PlumPudd I'll see your crystal jam pot & lavender cutlery & raise you

A full set of solid silver mussel tongs
A solid silver cherry stone removing device.

One year when I was in a tiny flat with no garden I got a full size solid Wendy house delivered. It had to sit in my living room 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was younger and had no voice

@Cyclinggran Nah, my mother is also a one for absolutely terrible/useless presents. Mainly buying DS clothes in completely the wrong size. She bought him an age 6-12 month pram suit when he was 18 months old and then got in a massive sulk because he never wore it. It didn't fit! It was half way up his shins

Your post really made me laugh. I haven't read the answers yet but I'm sure there are lots of tips

@beachcitygirl - again where do people buy stuff like that ?
I'd be getting the solid silver made into something else.

@Cyclinggran it's not about PIL it doesn't really matter who is giving stuff that's unwanted, nobody wants their house filled with too much stuff.

Sounds like granny has been having a clear out!

Nope. It’s definitely not down to being the parent of the mum or dad. Your grandchildren love you unconditionally and want your love and attention back.
Give it to them.

Apologies that was meant for @Cyclinggran

Agree with holding sons accountable @PlumPudd