Why do we have horrible Christmases?

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Where did it come from, the tradition of visiting or being visited by people you don't see or get along with the rest of the year?

What do you think is so awful about Christmas alone? I've spent some Christmas days alone through choice when single because its more peaceful than visiting friends having never met their families before and not knowing if you'll like each other. It's took some convincing to get some of them to understand it's genuinely what I wanted. I find it's fine, it's not sad or lonely. It's one day of doing whatever I want.

When it comes to family I've got my own now and this year I'm starting a new tradition of Christmas day to ourselves. We can visit or be visited by family and friends before or after Christmas day, but the day itself is ours. No difficult people, no family drama, nobody feeling left out because we're spending it with someone else that year. Just us. I can already feel the relief.

Usually I'm stressed out all December trying to juggle it all and keep everyone else happy. No more. If you're close to your family and can't wait to spend Christmas day with them, that's great, but for everyone who isn't - why do we do it?

I've got halfway through my life without thinking about it and this year realised I couldn't think of a good reason to spend the day in someone else's home, watching their choice of TV, being sniped at or ignored, eating when they decide, feeling unhappy and counting down the time until I can leave. I don't know why I've put up with it on previous years.

We've always stayed home Christmas day. Our oldest kids are nearly 29. Best thing we done. We dont host anyone. Kids dont need to get dressed. I dont force them to eat turkey. My youngest has ASD i make her chicken nuggets. All our family do it then meet up on boxing day. So we have 2 Christmas days. Life to short for the hassle. Good for you. Enjoy your day.

Each to their own. I love large gatherings around the table and everyone is welcome. I’m quite sad this year to be going to our daughters because she wants everyone around her table now. It will be lovely, it will be special because she’ll have planned nice things and good fun; life moves on and we have to adapt.

A good friend of mine spends Christmas day alone every year by choice. She has lots of friends and a family she could spend it with but she hates Christmas Dinner and never gets a break so she spends the day doing whatever she wants in peace and loves it.

Just reassure everyone that it's really what you want then enjoy your day!

Well - to state the obvious - this approach works fine if you have a nuclear family to spend Christmas with, and fine if you’re happy on your own. However there’s plenty of people who don’t have their own family unit and who would feel lonely spending Christmas on their own.

For example one of my grandparents could be quite difficult company. Yes it might have been easier not to include them. But they lived on their own and would have been incredibly hurt and upset to have Christmas alone while we had a “family christmas” without them.

In other words - fine if you are happy to spend Christmas alone. Good for you. But I don’t think it’s ok to assume friends and relatives will be fine with being alone, just because you were.

This. Christmas is all about family, not just the people who live with you. That's kind of the point of it (to us, anyway): getting everyone together.

It would be very sad if someone who didn't want to spend it on their own was excluded. Not in the spirit of it at all, and I couldn't enjoy it knowing I'd done that. I hope nobody will ever do that to me either, when I'm old!

If nobody jn your family is bothered and all have their own families to see to have lovely celebrations - or are people who love to spend it alone (not many do, in reality) - then fine. But if not, I think it's quite mean.

I LOVE time on my own. But spending Christmas on my own would be so sad, I'd hate it. Not an issue with two young DC! Bit we have lots of extended family here for Christmas and I hope when I am older I'll be invited to such things.

So if you had, say, a widowed mother would you include her or still insist Christmas Day is just for your Own Little Family?

Well I had a divorced father who lived on his own. He lived 300 miles from me and wasn't invited at Xmas. He would come to stay for five days around three times a year and we would have a good time, but he was very demanding and I had to have very firm boundaries with him, or the alternative was no relationship at all. He passed away many years ago, I don't have any regrets. I guess you could say he reaped what he sowed, if he had been an easier person he would probably have got more invites, but as it was we had a good relationship until he died.

Do what you like. I'm always a bit confused by these threads where people feel they need to announce how Christmas works. It's a day off work and school for most people to spend how you like. The people who get really worked up about it being a super special day are the same people on here on boxing day in tears because they feel so deflated by the whole thing.

We always try and be with family because I want dd to understand that that is a more important part than presents etc. Also, I know that when she grows up I'd be really sad not to be included in her Christmas celebrations at least some of the time, even if she does have 'her own little family'.

Maybe people try to keep up with the fantasy of the perfect Christmas with a loving family and everyone gets along? Out of fear, obligation, and guilt.

With technology, some people do virtual get togethers. I can see that being a nice alternative.

Some people choose to volunteer during the holidays.

I felt just like you til I had a lonely ageing parent to look out for.

What others have said. Sometimes we have relatives who would otherwise spend the day alone. Sometimes those people are not the easiest to be around but we weigh up how important it is to have the day to ourselves against said relatives being sad, lonely and alone on Christmas Day and make a decision. Christmas Day should be a happy stress free time but if that comes at the cost of knowing family members may be spending it alone then you need to decide whether it’s worth it.

I could never leave a friend or family member on their own at Christmas.

They would be invited & up to them if they came.

I host Boxing Day every year. Two of my sils mums are widowed as is BIL mum. They are invited every year. One usually brings a friend who is another widow. My sister is the same - we go there for Christmas Day.

Just guilt, mainly. Ageing parents and parents in law who want to share our Christmas.
Don't enjoy it, they are hard work, but I'm not mean enough to refuse to see or host them on Christmas Day.

I imagine Christmas is lovely if you have a typical 2.4 family. If you have ex partners you share children with and/or blended familys it's not often stress free or magical by any means. Or even disfunctional family members.

I don't enjoy Christmas at all, I used to love it, I'm the one that does everything to make it special and magical, all the stress , organisaation and cost falls on me. We visit family members who are rude, and drink far too much, unable to handle their alcohol and their behaviour becomes nasty and aggressive. Of course, the behaviour is excused by other family members and is enabled, making it a horrible experience I dread each year. But Christmas is all about family, and the kids want to visit family.

I guess I put up with it and do it all, because if I don't no one else will. I'd happily remove Christmas from the calendar, but the collective hapiness of others trumps my feelings. I don't think I would be any happier by not doing any of it, as the guilt would eat me up and make me just as miserable.

You do what works for you. We don't travel at Christmas since the oldest started school. It's just too tiring. I've also had Christmases just us when we've not ended up with a lot of time off work and not wanting to spend half of said time on the motorway.

There also have been (shock horror) elderly family members left alone on years we've not had much time off work to travel but the world keeps turning.

Christmas shouldn't have to be a miserable experience just to please other people.

Fear, obligation and guilt is usually what drives people to spend Christmas with family who they think are awful for whatever reasons. All the posts every year about family going ballistic if they don’t visit for Christmas are pretty much the same followed by the poster who doesn’t have the confidence to say enough is enough. It’s sad that so few have the confidence and courage to say so.

There can also be a lot of judgement from complete outsiders. I'll never forget the reaction from colleagues one year I didn't travel home for Christmas. I actually like my family unlike many of them.

People who martyr themselves for family can really resent people that don't.

Good on you op, I’m 62 and yet to have the Christmas I want.
As a child we had to go to my aunties where the children were expected to sit quietly around the table and make polite conversation for about three hours from the age of five. If we didn’t we got a very stern telling off.
As an adult I’ve had to host grumpy miserable old relatives who want everything done the way they like it but still complain.
If it was up to me I would spend Christmas Day in the sunshine. Perhaps I will manage it by the time I am 70, if I’m not too old to climb those airplane steps.

Like most things it’s down to unrealistic expectations.
People (ie women) are under pressure to make it “magical” for everyone but themselves.

We have been going to my daughter's for years now because she has the biggest table. I love getting together for the day although we see each other often. We share food prep and it is the meal and togetherness I love.

we used to go to my nans, not too much other family came though. Used to be me, mum, dad, bro, aunt, uncle, Nan, grandad and my nans best friend. Over the years, my aunt stopped coming as she got with an asshole, my uncle moved away. My mum and dad split up. We used to visit my other grandparents for a few hours. When we moved away. Been here almost 14 years. We have done almost all christmases at home, the only thing that’s changed is my brother has a different girlfriend and we did go to my uncles one year, not that the company wasn’t good, it wasn’t how we liked to do Christmas, we agreed from that moment on, staying home is how we would do it. Over the years FIL has come and spent it with us, he’s no bother though.

My mother always used to ruin it for this reason even when it was me doing the work. Nothing ever lived up to her expectations.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling like you do Op, equally nothing wrong with wanting everyone round and feeling upset if you can’t. It’s just personal preference. Glad you are looking forward to yours. :)

I feel a bit differently as we grew up with large Christmas and we’re a long haul flight away from spending day together. We’ve had a holiday at that time I’m the past, I would love to just get there or share it easily though.