Why do we have horrible Christmases?

[Zodiacsigns]

Where did it come from, the tradition of visiting or being visited by people you don't see or get along with the rest of the year?

What do you think is so awful about Christmas alone? I've spent some Christmas days alone through choice when single because its more peaceful than visiting friends having never met their families before and not knowing if you'll like each other. It's took some convincing to get some of them to understand it's genuinely what I wanted. I find it's fine, it's not sad or lonely. It's one day of doing whatever I want.

When it comes to family I've got my own now and this year I'm starting a new tradition of Christmas day to ourselves. We can visit or be visited by family and friends before or after Christmas day, but the day itself is ours. No difficult people, no family drama, nobody feeling left out because we're spending it with someone else that year. Just us. I can already feel the relief.

Usually I'm stressed out all December trying to juggle it all and keep everyone else happy. No more. If you're close to your family and can't wait to spend Christmas day with them, that's great, but for everyone who isn't - why do we do it?

I've got halfway through my life without thinking about it and this year realised I couldn't think of a good reason to spend the day in someone else's home, watching their choice of TV, being sniped at or ignored, eating when they decide, feeling unhappy and counting down the time until I can leave. I don't know why I've put up with it on previous years.

We have just us, we visit family on the days around it too but like the day just as myself, DH and the DC. DH has always worked in an industry that is extremely busy at this time of year, working 7 days a week so it’s nice to have that day to ourselves. I am not close with my parents at all after a childhood of neglect and my FIL is an alcoholic who would turn up blind drunk and completely ruin the day. I refuse to put my DC through that to avoid him being alone on the day. That may be selfish of me but I would rather that than all their memories of Christmas be of him insulting them and slurring his words. I keep them away from him for that very reason anyway unless we can be certain he hasn’t drank, so I don’t know why I would change that just because it’s Christmas.

I like the idea of the big extended family Christmas but it’s just not a reality for everyone.

This is part of the problem. I'm the only religious member of my birth family and the others don't accept it.

Thanks for your replies everyone. It's been interesting reading. All those with the large happy gatherings where everyone gets along, helps out, games are played etc, that sounds lovely.

Mine is more where everyone's sitting in silence or being fun sponges. For some reason there seems to be no desire to make conversation for most of them. I do try! I find it very weird and unsettling at best. Sometimes I wonder if I've walked in on a row people seem so on edge.

There's the slow creep of dread which starts mid November with the summons invitation to visit, getting more and more stressed as I get ever closer to the awful day that's coming. Maybe as some PPs have said it's fear, obligation and guilt that kept me doing it year after year.

That sounds truly dire.

We've had Christmas on our own since the late 1990s. We used to travel to the exILs for the week as it's 9 hours away by car (US). It all became too much.

My mum visited for Christmas occasionally from across the pond, and that was always nice. Since exH and I divorced it's just been me and the DCs. They're now all adults and we've already had a Christmas or two when someone spent Christmas with a BF and we've had a BF or GF here too.

I like having just us, wearing pajamas all day if we want.

I think everyone’s situation is too different for anyone to judge. Some people would hate being alone, others would love it.

Some would feel too bad not inviting a potentially difficult elderly relative, others would happily feel that you reap what you sow.

My parents host all of their adult children (and now grandchildren) every year and we’d never want to be anywhere else. The chance for all 12 of us, (and 4 dogs!) to be able to hang out together for a week is amazing.

That ^^

I'm going out for a meal with my dad. And that's about it. Some nice food I wouldn't usually eat, Christmas films, long bath, loads of free time to exercise
No stress!

We see family before and after Xmas. My mum spends the day with her partner, but we talk on the phone and we see eachother beforehand. It's just me, OH and 2 ds' on the day itself. MIL comes over just after lunch, I pick her up as she has Xmas dinner with her friend. He then goes to his family's house and she comes to ours. Boxing Day we don't go anywhere, we get up late, eat what we want, watch TV, play games etc. It's bliss lol

When I was a kid we went to my Nannas house after lunch and she would put a huge spread on for tea. My mum was 1 of 8 so you could imagine how many people were in my Nannas house lol 😆 It was good and loved spending the day with everyone, but loved going home, snuggling up in PJs and playing with my new presents. Always a home girl 🙂

For me Christmas is about the family coming together and I miss the big family Christmases of my childhood when all the grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins would all be together for the day. I live 300 miles away from my parents and extended family now and my husbands family who are local to us don't tend to be bothered about being together for Christmas- I think it's really sad and I find them an odd bunch.
When our DC were very young it was easier not to travel for Christmas day but they are bigger now and I'm longing for a another big family Christmas again.

Your Christmas sounds just like mine op. I absolutely agree with you on everything you said. I spent many Christmas’s on my own when I was younger, some of them the best I had. I remember giving in and excepting an invite to my friends mums, it wasn’t horrible, but certainly memorable.

Now it’s just the 5 of us and that’s exactly what I want.

Spending Christmas with my toxic family is never ever going to happen again, including my widowed mother, if she’s got no where to go Christmas Day that’s down to her and I would have no problem with her being alone.

Im not against spending time with DHs family, his DSis is a great host, but I am against dragging my DCs out of the house all day and spending up to 4 hours in a car.

I’m with you OP - I don’t understand why we revere one day so much. You do right not to get into a routine that becomes hard to break, but be flexible as one year you may get an invite you’d like to follow up on

I love having a big family gathering on Christmas day. It's my favourite part of Christmas. My children would be sad not having their cousins to play with too.

We spend xmas day alone, it's just me, DH and the kids... wouldn't have it any other way.

The world is majoritively made up of two types:

• the social butterflys (who LOVE hosting and big crowd, almost cant function without it)
• the anxious hermits (who hide from the door bell, stare at a ringing phone in horror and dread someone 'popping round')

the social butterflys will never accept that the hermits are just happy and the butterflys way of life is litrally damaging to our mental health and is our overwhelming worst nightmare.

I'm disabled and the energy it take to be 'social' is cripplingly exausting not 'fun'.

@mam0918 I disagree completely with your categorisations. Although of course it is fine for you þo do Christmas in the way which you prefer. However, I am far from a social butterfly and love being at home with just dd and dh more than anything. However, I would be heartbroken to be forever excluded from my dd's Christmas when she is older, so I could not do that to our parents. That doesn't mean every year we see all of them or anything, but generally we alternate to make sure they are all included at some point.

@maddiemookins16mum , that’s all very well if the person lives nearby, or a shortish drive away. Not so easy if it’s an hour and a half plus each way.

I don't understand what you disagree with, there was nothing to disagree with in my post.

So you plan to forever impose yourself on your daughter? Seems just a bit selfish honestly.

I love my parents/siblings but they are exausting like everyone else, it would be exausting to be dragged to theres for the day and doubly exausting to host them.

I don't plan to be a burden to my children, thats not why I had them and when they have grown and flown I/we plan to go on holiday over the xmas period and start new traditions of our own not expect other to have to bend to my wants even at their own expense.

@mam0918 Its only the categorisation I disagree with as spending Christmas with family doesn't make you a social butterfly, some people just do it to try and be kind despite being anxious hermits. Also, I'm not selfish and don't intend to 'impose' myself on my daughter, if you read my post I said I didn't want to be excluded forever, as in I would like sometimes to be with her, not every year if that doesn't work for her. Though admittedly I would find it sad if she never wanted to spend it with me. It's sad that you feel being with your children at Christmas would be a burden for them though.

So true

Every single year around this time the staff room is full of stressy rants, swearing and complaining . Relatives who suck, too expensive, too much effort, fucked up orders, too many/high expectations etc.

I do christmas with just oh and DD for various reasons. It's chilled and fun and pretty easy to sort. Somehow I'm the one that gets the sad pitying looks and the"awwwww"'s and the questions.

I don't understand what you disagree with, there was nothing to disagree with in my post.

@mam0918 apart from the ridiculous categorisation of EVERYONE into two such simplistic and extreme social profiles 🙄

For me, Christmas isn’t just about doing things exactly the way you’d like to do them, it’s about showing some good will to those around you. My DMum is on her own since my stepdad died a few years ago. So she comes to us on Christmas Day now. It’s not my ideal Christmas as me and my DM don’t exactly see eye to eye a lot of the time, but it wouldn’t occur to me not to invite her just because I’d order Christmas Day with DH and DS.

Rather* not other.

Could never leave my DM or any other family member on their own 🤷‍♀️

I could if they deserve it.
One year sil announced she had invited her next door neighbour to mils for Xmas dinner as her awful family were leaving her all alone. None of us knew her but within 5 minutes of arriving it was bloody obvious why her family were leaving her all alone. She was a nasty, rude, snobbish racist who wouldn’t let anyone else get a word in while she sat there expected to be waited on and spouting forth on everyone’s failings
After the meal we all escaped into another room and left her there - mil ordered sil to go back in there and entertain her for the rest of the day.
We told sil that if the neighbour came the next year we weren’t

im guessing you’re an introvert and suffer from anxiety, it’s the whole over thinking rhe friends invites, what if you don’t get along with the relatives, so preferred to spend it alone thing.

I actually like my extended family and look forward to seeing them. I don't think it's a "horrible" Christmas to go round and visit friends and family.

I agree. The problem we have is that if we chose to do that then it would mean leaving elderly relatives alone, which we are not prepared to do.