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Original poster

Why do we have horrible Christmases?

102 replies

Zodiacsigns · 03/12/2022 23:37

Where did it come from, the tradition of visiting or being visited by people you don't see or get along with the rest of the year?

What do you think is so awful about Christmas alone? I've spent some Christmas days alone through choice when single because its more peaceful than visiting friends having never met their families before and not knowing if you'll like each other. It's took some convincing to get some of them to understand it's genuinely what I wanted. I find it's fine, it's not sad or lonely. It's one day of doing whatever I want.

When it comes to family I've got my own now and this year I'm starting a new tradition of Christmas day to ourselves. We can visit or be visited by family and friends before or after Christmas day, but the day itself is ours. No difficult people, no family drama, nobody feeling left out because we're spending it with someone else that year. Just us. I can already feel the relief.

Usually I'm stressed out all December trying to juggle it all and keep everyone else happy. No more. If you're close to your family and can't wait to spend Christmas day with them, that's great, but for everyone who isn't - why do we do it?

I've got halfway through my life without thinking about it and this year realised I couldn't think of a good reason to spend the day in someone else's home, watching their choice of TV, being sniped at or ignored, eating when they decide, feeling unhappy and counting down the time until I can leave. I don't know why I've put up with it on previous years.

OP posts:
TodayInahurry · 04/12/2022 08:01

Very few relations, we have a quiet Xmas Day just us and dog. It’s one day, then back to normal life on Boxing Day.

Ylvamoon · 04/12/2022 08:02

We have Christmas day to ourselves. Food is whatever we decide as a family.

I do however have a policy that everyone is welcome if they wish to join us... now my in laws coming for dinner with a nephew (20) who is staying with them. They know what is on the menu and like the idea!

ScrabbleChamp64 · 04/12/2022 08:02

But they’re not horrible and what strikes me from your post is that there doesn’t seem to be a reason why you don’t want to see extended family beyond the fact that you want to eat what you want and watch what you like on TV.

Of course people shouldn’t spend time with toxic or abusive family members but if you just find your grandpa a bit boring and you’re auntie a bit loud then I actually just think it’s really sad that you can’t be bothered to make the effort to spend Christmas Day with family.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/12/2022 08:02

I've had Christmas's alone, with extended family and just with DC & DH.

I prefer the latter, as there is zero pressure.

The last 5 or 6 years we always had my mum, my nan and my sister. My nan and sister passed away earlier this year and it'll be weird without them. But I'll have my Mum, my other sister, her DH and 6 neices/nephews this year (along with the 5 of us) so it'll be manic.

Truth be told, I'm dreading it a little 🤣

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 04/12/2022 08:04

If you really don't like your family why bother seeing them atall anyway some of us do though

Fairislefandango · 04/12/2022 08:08

What do you think is so awful about Christmas alone?

Well for me they are a bit boring and a real let-down compared with spending Christmas with the extended family. We've had a 'just the 4 of us' Christmas twice and have all agreed never again.

I love hosting or being hosted by family at Christmas. But I'm fortunate, in that we all get on really well. No bad feeling, ungrateful guests or family arguments. Great food which everybody is delighted to eat.

IncompleteSenten · 04/12/2022 08:10

Because they choose to.

If someone is doing things other people want instead of spending the time how they want to, that is their decision. They can say no.

If people would rather have a miserable time than have someone else tantrum then they need to at least accept they are making that choice because they would rather be miserable than deal with the fallout. 🤷

I've been like that myself in the past and it wasn't until I accepted that I was actively choosing it that I was able to change.

PeonyRose80 · 04/12/2022 08:11

my parents live round the corner and still prefer to have christmas with my alcoholic aunt or at a pub than with their only 2 grandchildren. I’ve gone wrong somewhere…. Christmas just makes it seem so much worse. I would love a huge family day anytime but it’s always just the 4 of us.

MoanySloney · 04/12/2022 08:16

I'm totally with you OP.

You see so many martyrs on MN who would have nothing to do in life if they didn't go around busy bodying after everyone else.

This was never my experience at Christmas. My parents always had it just us at Christmas. Grandparents were invited, but they preferred to be alone. Even with DGF died, DGM came one Christmas and then never came again. She much preferred being on her own at Christmas than being forced to enjoy our version of it.

When DH and I first lived together, I hated going around all of the houses at Christmas. Especially listening to martyr MIL complaining all day. I think it was when I was pregnant with DS1 when I finally asked her why she bothers when it obviously made her so miserable.

She now just stays home as well.

Kucingsparkles · 04/12/2022 08:19

To be fair, it's not just Christmas. I think it's a cross-cultural international phenomenon.

As a child we returned to my parents' home-town every single Chinese New Year, as did the rest of the extended family. The traffic would be horrendous meaning it took double the time to get there. Most of us couldn't afford hotels and so my uncle's house (he was the only one who had stayed behind) would be chock-full of family; every bit of floor space seemed to have somebody on a roll-up mattress. The women of the family had to do vast amounts of baking and cooking and decorating and prayer preparations.

I remember those celebrations as magical wonderful times. I look back on the creaking tables of special food with drooling fondness. I thought camping on the floor with all my cousins was great fun.

But as an adult, I think "God, how awful it must have been for my parents to have to do that every year! And how much more awful for my uncle's wife to host all the people and chaos!"

(Then I moved to the UK and I discovered that DH's family did the Christmas version of all that!)

shard5 · 04/12/2022 08:20

Such a lot of pressure to have things Uber perfect for one day means you're most likely to feel disgruntled by the end of it.

crazycycle · 04/12/2022 08:20

Our family live all over the uk. Pre DC, we used to travel all over to see them all. One year we drove over 800 miles in 5 days. Exhausting.

As soon as DC arrived we insisted on Christmas Day at home. Anyone else welcome but we would be in our own home. So far nobody has joined us on the 25th but we see people a few days before and after. This year those few days are in our house too which means I’m hosting a lot but don’t mind as the driving about with two school aged children is too tiring and stressful for them

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/12/2022 08:22

This is about Winterval, not Christmas.

Have a good day.

MissMarpleRocks · 04/12/2022 08:31

Kucingsparkles · 04/12/2022 08:19

To be fair, it's not just Christmas. I think it's a cross-cultural international phenomenon.

As a child we returned to my parents' home-town every single Chinese New Year, as did the rest of the extended family. The traffic would be horrendous meaning it took double the time to get there. Most of us couldn't afford hotels and so my uncle's house (he was the only one who had stayed behind) would be chock-full of family; every bit of floor space seemed to have somebody on a roll-up mattress. The women of the family had to do vast amounts of baking and cooking and decorating and prayer preparations.

I remember those celebrations as magical wonderful times. I look back on the creaking tables of special food with drooling fondness. I thought camping on the floor with all my cousins was great fun.

But as an adult, I think "God, how awful it must have been for my parents to have to do that every year! And how much more awful for my uncle's wife to host all the people and chaos!"

(Then I moved to the UK and I discovered that DH's family did the Christmas version of all that!)

You hit the nail there.

Easter is a huge religious festival in Greece & Cyprus. In our families it’s as important as Christmas- we have a huge get together that my sister hosts.

One year we were in Australia & were invited to family - it was huge & wonderful to meet more family.

I love being in Cyprus for Easter it takes me back to my childhood & to when all my beloved older family members were alive. I get more emotional at Easter than Christmas to be honest.

Suzi888 · 04/12/2022 08:33

Each to their own- I bloody love it. I am sad that most family members have now passed away, so are christmases are smaller.

AuntieMarys · 04/12/2022 08:37

I've always done whatever I want at Xmas for 45 years....had about 7 Xmas days alone pre marriage which I loved, a nightmare one at ex inlaws with 22 people and the rest just the 4 of us.
As a child, all my aunties, uncles, cousins lived 250 miles away so it was just the 4 of us plus granny.. all other grandparents were dead by the time I was 5.
We have fantastic Xmas days doing our own thing, no stress or drama.

Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 04/12/2022 08:42

I think most people like, if not love, their wider family so don't find it horrible to spend time with them. But no, you shouldn't feel obliged to be around people you don't like, any time of the year.

gettingolderandgrumpier · 04/12/2022 08:52

I couldn’t leave someone on their own , although I do have a family member who enjoys Christmas on her own . I do get your point though op , I don’t feel people should fed obligated to invite everyone round . It’s too much work plus you get some that insist you come to them every year . I used to work with someone who was married no dc at the time and he’d go to his parents for Christmas dinner and she’d go to hers I thought it was strange and not sure what happens if they ever have dc .
I think the day itself is too much what’s wrong with spreading it over a few days too seeing family ? .

roarfeckingroarr · 04/12/2022 08:52

People don't voice their wants for the day so end up doing things they don't want.

I like having lots of people around - but only people I want to see! My dad's staying for Christmas. DP is taking our toddler to see his family on Boxing Day while I hang out with my dad and eat leftovers in peace 😁. Then on the 27th I'll take toddles to my extended family, who I really enjoy the company of. It works.

lightisnotwhite · 04/12/2022 08:54

I don’t know really.
It’s Christmas and to me it’s always special whether I’m alone, with my family at home or staying somewhere else. The traditions are much the same wherever you go and the end game is having a lovely day.

dizzygirl1 · 04/12/2022 08:59

I think it also depends on your relationships with your family too. We stay at home because going to my parents makes us all miserable. Christmas to me isn't about being miserable but actually to enjoy the time

Forgetmenot36 · 04/12/2022 08:59

For those saying they would never leave anyone alone, what about if that person was an alcoholic, abusive parent?

My father is one such a person (admittedly mellowed slightly with age, but still an alcoholic).

I actually don't know if he will be alone on Christmas Day or whether my sister will be hosting him. She did last year due to fear, obligation and guilt, but considering she has spent the past year being repeatedly sectioned and in and out of psychiatric care due to childhood trauma, probably not...

We will pop in briefly to see him on Boxing Day, but I'm not ruining my young children's Christmas Day...

gettingolderandgrumpier · 04/12/2022 09:10

Forgetmenot36 · 04/12/2022 08:59

For those saying they would never leave anyone alone, what about if that person was an alcoholic, abusive parent?

My father is one such a person (admittedly mellowed slightly with age, but still an alcoholic).

I actually don't know if he will be alone on Christmas Day or whether my sister will be hosting him. She did last year due to fear, obligation and guilt, but considering she has spent the past year being repeatedly sectioned and in and out of psychiatric care due to childhood trauma, probably not...

We will pop in briefly to see him on Boxing Day, but I'm not ruining my young children's Christmas Day...

True , I think for most people they get along with family and even if there is 1 or 2 that are difficult they suck it up . Often those people don’t understand those that don’t get along with family . I’m nc with my dad he has my mum but if he didn’t I still wouldn’t have him round as he’d make us all miserable. Like someone else said you reap what you sow .

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 04/12/2022 09:15

Every year I hear of cases of (especially) older, single people, put under so much pressure to go here or there on Christmas Day, because, ‘You can’t be on your own at Christmas!’

And some of them just can’t bring themselves to say, Actually, I’d prefer it - eat what I want when I want, watch /listen to what TV/radio I want - or just read in peace and quiet, with no racket from noisy, over-excited, fractious, children.
Because it sounds rude, ungrateful and Scrooge-ish.
If they try saying it more politely, it’s just not accepted.

ChristmasJoysuckers · 04/12/2022 09:16

@Lookingbackatme I totally agree but usually we are not islands and our decision affects others.