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Christmas

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Original poster

Christmas without my eldest child due to her behaviour

75 replies

Alwaystoblame · 26/11/2022 12:17

I have taken the very difficult decision to not have my eldest with us at Christmas. She lives with her dad and despite doing everything I can think of to help her her behaviour is getting worse.
I have another thread on the problems around school and posters have been very supportive there but this is is about Christmas.
I had already told her she is not coming on holiday with us and that feels awful but Christmas seems even worse.
I have 3dc and in the past 2 years she has ruined every holiday and special occasion with her behaviour and they have both asked that she's not allowed to come up anything else.
She is violent, aggressive in her manner, lies constantly, steals, police involved on a regular basis, and has everyone walking on egg shells.
This Christmas my disabled mum is coming to stay with us and she is also coming on holiday with is. Due to her age and health this might be her last Christmas and holiday with us and I'm not going to let Dd spoil anything.
But I feel so guilty and sad about it all. It's not been an easy decision. It goes against my instincts but I have to protect the younger dc's along with my mum and me.
Has anyone else been in a similar position? How did you cope with it?
Dd is being seen by camhs but rarely turns up and refuses to see the school counsellor. She's 16.
I have still bought her plenty of presents and not treated her any differently there. I tell her I love her regularly and she knows how much I try to help her.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 26/11/2022 12:18

Here is my other thread for more background.

Permanent exclusion-how do I find a new school that will take an excluded child? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am iibeingunreasonable/4557571-permanent-exclusion-how-do-i-find-a-new-school-that-will-take-an-excluded-child

OP posts:

saraclara · 26/11/2022 12:29

I've just skimmed your other thread. You say that she was so violent at school, actively physically attacking other girls that the police had to be called. And that she terrorised other pupils to the point that they wouldn't come to school.

You can't put your mum through this. And I can only imagine what her siblings have been through.
She lives with her dad, and she can have Christmas and holidays with him.

I didn't expect to say this when I first read the OP, but I think you're right to say no and to prioritise the rest of your family. It's a terribly sad state of affairs, but I think it's the only way.

Jadedbuthappy82 · 26/11/2022 12:33

That sounds so difficult for you, for what it's worth I think you are doing the best thing in an impossible situation. Life can be so difficult and unfair sometimes, and not all decisions are easy or the way we want life to be but you can only do so much lass, you are one person and have lots of people's wellbeing to think about. Including your own... you really can't continue to pour from an empty jug. Make sure you look after yourself too, and try not to let that guilt soak in... Sending you my best.

Ellie56 · 26/11/2022 12:47

I've followed your other thread.

Sad as it is, you're doing the right thing. Your other children need to see that they matter too, and you can't have your eldest ruining what might be your mum's last Christmas.

stitchinguru · 26/11/2022 12:54

I am not going to pass any judgement on your decision - it sounds tough.
What I am going to say is that I will be without my eldest this Christmas (and every Christmas to come) as he passed away suddenly on Christmas morning 2019 (aged 24).
The notion about it ‘possibly being someone’s last Christmas’ is something that none of us are exempt from.
Sorry if this hasn’t helped and I hope that you get the help your daughter clearly needs - she sounds like a very troubled young lady.

Jadedbuthappy82 · 26/11/2022 12:58

That's so sad stitchinguru and I'm so sorry for your loss but I don't think op needs a guilt trip, however well intended and I do know what you mean ... Life can throw curve balls at us out of nowhere and trying to help children with lots of problems on your own is not an easy task. Op will be feeling heart-wrenched enough I would imagine.

catandcoffee · 26/11/2022 13:10

I've previously read your other thread.
OP you've done everything possible for her,nows the time to concentrate on your other 2 children.

I can imagine your heart is breaking but you've got to be strong on this.

Don't let anyone try and guilt trip you.

I've been through similar to you and nothing worked for my now adult child (he's still doing the same behaviour in his 30s)

ReadtheReviews · 26/11/2022 13:13

Can you see her the day before and or do a phonecall on the day or would this just upset the applecart more than not?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 26/11/2022 13:32

stitchinguru · 26/11/2022 12:54

You are right. Statistically the person whose “last Christmas” it is most likely to be is the Op’s mum. So the Op is correct to not ruin her “possible last Xmas” with violence.

Helenloveslee4eva · 26/11/2022 13:37

But what IS happening to DD at Xmas then?

are you expecting her to home alone ? Go to her dads ? You don’t say.

AuntieMarys · 26/11/2022 13:38

I dong blame you. She has no right to make other lives a misery.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 26/11/2022 13:39

She lives with her dad so she will have Christmas with him.

I will hopefully see her to give her her presents before Christmas. That depends if she's blocked me or is accepting communication at the time.

OP posts:

Quveas · 26/11/2022 13:40

Regrettably I think the OP is doing the right thing. THis is not about how one person feels (the daughter), it is about how everyone feels. The younger children and gramdmother also deserve quality time, and that isn't going to happen with the eldest child in the mix. And selfish though it feels, the OP deserves that quality time too. No matter how troubled somebody is, they still have choices, and getting the help that is on offer is one of them. We can show sympathy for the child who is so troubled, but that doesn't have to extend to letting them exrecise choices that are always at the expense of everyone else.

OP, there is absolutely no way that you won't feel some sadness about this. That wouldn't be human. But it is the right thing to do for yourself and others, so try to have the best Christmas you can.

rainbowstardrops · 26/11/2022 13:44

I usually read threads like your opening title and think how could someone do that to their own child but I have a friend with a DD a bit older than yours who seems very similar in behaviour - spoils everything, police called numerous times etc etc and now I can totally empathise with your stance.

You have to put your other family members first because it's just not fair on any of you.

Her dad doesn't sound as if he's doing her any favours to be honest.

Summerfun54321 · 26/11/2022 13:56

Can you do something just you and her on a different day instead? Something of her choosing, somewhere not at home where you can leave if it all goes wrong.

pinkksugarmouse · 26/11/2022 14:45

OP don’t let anyone on here try to guilt trip you. You are right. Not only would you be ignoring everyone else’s needs by having her present you would be ignoring hers too.

Our job is to give our children what they need and not what they want and what she needs now is firm boundaries.

You are doing the right thing for her and everyone else. So ignore the inevitable bullies on here who will judge you harshly. Chances are she will come out of this period a perfectly well-adjusted young woman. Just ride it out and remember none if it is your fault. She will be fine with her Dad.

VestaTilley · 26/11/2022 22:33

What happened to her during her childhood to make her like this? Why is she so angry?

I don’t think YABU, but can you at least spend the day with her out somewhere just the two of you on another day in the holidays? She must feel so rejected and hurt.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 27/11/2022 10:06

I can't do anything with just her as I have no-one to look after the other two dc and quite frankly I don't feel any inclination to do it at the moment.

As to what happened to her-her dad left for OW when she was 5 and involved OW and her dcs with nearly every contact time. He moved in with her and her dc after about 18 months. They had 2 dc together and the house was not big enough for them and my dc got lost on the chaos. Then he split up with her and has had a few girlfriends since who again he has involved with dd. The house he lives in is a family member's and is not big enough for his 4 dc to live comfortably. I think dd thought it would be all rosy at her dad's with no boundaries, no rules, no expectations. The lack of any structure has done more damage than good and she is in desperate need of structure and routine as per camhs. He can't provide that but she's been outside of a family set up for so long now that she can't cope with being around people very well.

OP posts:

buckeejit · 27/11/2022 11:10

@Alwaystoblame that's so sad, I really feel for you. If it's possible for dc dad to come to you on Christmas morning so you can go spend an hour or 2 with dd, that may help things for her. I think you're doing the right thing to protect other dc & your mum but it's such a difficult thing as a mother.

Sounds like everyone would benefit from her dad putting more structure in place. I hope you all manage to get through & have a peaceful Christmas 💐

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 27/11/2022 11:27

Her dad is abusive and not allowed here. I'll work something out.

OP posts:

BornBlonde · 29/11/2022 00:59

Just read your other thread. Your other DC and DM deserve a love,y Christmas Day, as do you. You need to go with tough love and she needs to earn family time

Aquamarine1029 · 29/11/2022 01:06

You have nothing to feel guilty about and you've done everything you possibly can. Your daughter has to learn there are consequences for her behaviour.

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 29/11/2022 12:18

Thank you. It's not a choice I've ever wanted to make. Since her dad left I've struggled when they've not been here on Christmas morning but I know she will spoil it somehow. She assumed she'd be here at Christmas, it was never discussed. She says her dad is working nights at Christmas so he will have to change that. Not my problem. Neither of them should have assumed she could stay here. She has plenty of family on her dad's side. I'll be deemed evil again for refusing to have her I suppose.

OP posts:

Crazycrazylady · 19/12/2022 18:25

Op
I followed your other post and think you are making the only choice you can. I also think from what you've said this might be the first time she's faced consequences due to her actions jn a real way. She seems to have escaped relatively unscathed from her previous bad behaviour due to her dads leniency and the school organising a managed move to an another supportive school.
Maybe sitting there on Xmas day without ye might prompt her to take a long hard look at her behaviour or maybe not, but even if it doesn't your other children are entitled to a fun relaxing Xmas which they can't have with her present .

Original poster

Alwaystoblame · 19/12/2022 18:49

Now that Christmas is fast approaching I actually feel ok about her not being here. Maybe influenced by me being cross because she was truant all day today. All her presents are in a gift bag and she is coming round this week to get them. I imag

OP posts:

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