Christmas without my eldest child due to her behaviour

[Alwaystoblame]

I have taken the very difficult decision to not have my eldest with us at Christmas. She lives with her dad and despite doing everything I can think of to help her her behaviour is getting worse.
I have another thread on the problems around school and posters have been very supportive there but this is is about Christmas.
I had already told her she is not coming on holiday with us and that feels awful but Christmas seems even worse.
I have 3dc and in the past 2 years she has ruined every holiday and special occasion with her behaviour and they have both asked that she's not allowed to come up anything else.
She is violent, aggressive in her manner, lies constantly, steals, police involved on a regular basis, and has everyone walking on egg shells.
This Christmas my disabled mum is coming to stay with us and she is also coming on holiday with is. Due to her age and health this might be her last Christmas and holiday with us and I'm not going to let Dd spoil anything.
But I feel so guilty and sad about it all. It's not been an easy decision. It goes against my instincts but I have to protect the younger dc's along with my mum and me.
Has anyone else been in a similar position? How did you cope with it?
Dd is being seen by camhs but rarely turns up and refuses to see the school counsellor. She's 16.
I have still bought her plenty of presents and not treated her any differently there. I tell her I love her regularly and she knows how much I try to help her.

OP

You're doing the right thing.
You, your younger children and your mum matter too.

I just read your previous post. I don't know how you are able to be level headed and make rational decisions. I have no idea how I would respond if going through what you are. I'm so sorry.

I honestly know exactly how you’re feeling. I was in the same position for many years with my eldest daughter, who also lived with her dad. I always wanted her with us because I loved her, but her behaviour always ruined holidays, Christmas etc.
In the end I stopped inviting her and my other children, family members etc all enjoyed these events so much more. Seeing everyone happy also eased my guilt about not having her there.
id like to say that after that things improved but I’m sorry to say that she’s now an adult and estranged from the entire family, her choice! Including her father who she had lived with. She was in a relationship for a few years and had a child of her own. She reconnected with us for a while and it was lovely to have a grandchild but she was still the same. She has since split from her partner too and her has custody of their dd and thankfully keeps in touch with us too so we still have contact with my gd.

I don't think you're doing the wrong thing about Christmas or the holiday. But I do really think it sounds like she could have PDA, which you mentioned on your other thread. I hope she will cooperate for an assessment in the New Year and you can get some answers.

Sorry meant to read
he has custody not her has custody i.e daughters ex has custody so we have contact with gd.

Saw the title and didn't expect to find what I did.

You're doing the right thing. What an awful position to be in and I think you've got a lot of support from MN here. You sound like a brilliant Mum xx

You are doing the right thing. The rest of you deserve and are entitled to, a peaceful christmas.
If your daughter doesn't like it, maybe she could/should consider changing her attitude a bit.

I just wanted to give an alternative view as I know this thread started some time ago but I grew up with a younger sibling and zero control of his temper and was allowed to lash out and be violent. Although (or may because) my family loved him (still do) so they excused it. The minute I could I moved out and it has always made me feel that I was, to an extent, pushed into that position as living with my brother was not viable. It is an extreme example but allowing DD to come and derail and endanger events when they have asked you not to have her there seems like having her would put her feelings over everyone's safety and happiness....I hope you a amazing Christmas whatever happens x

Of course it isn't ok ! She is your minor child whatever her behaviour

You say you are doing it for your younger dc, but how do uou think it will affect them to see you are the sort of parent who cuts off their daughter who us still only a kid

I think they will see that their DM stuck up for them and ensured that they had a childhood!

My two other dc have asked that Dd no longer comes to events. Dd2 had a birthday recently and dd1 made it all about her at the celebration meal their dad took them to. Dd2 requested that her sister did not come to her birthday celebration at home. They are tired of everything revolving around dd1 and deserve to have happy times without walking on eggshells and wondering what drama will unfold. Last Christmas was stressful due to her behaviour as were all the last birthdays including my mum's. DD needs clear boundaries and she gets them from me and only me. Dds feelings don't come above those of 4 other people and she needs to realise that.
I think that I've made the right decision for the family as a whole. It's not the way I want things but it's the way things need to be for this Christmas. She has her dad, her grandparents, friends and family friends and won't be on her own. I'm not kicking her out on the streets. Her presents have been chosen with care based on her current likes along with the traditional things I always get them all. She knows she is loved. She's told she is loved. And she is shown she is loved on a daily basis.

I’m so sorry about your situation, OP.
Your DD unfortunately sounds like she’s been failed. She’s 16 so still a minor. She needs help. When she turns 18/21, it’ll be even harder to get the w she needs. Her behaviour comes across as a cry for help…

OP you say her dad was abusive towards you, is there any way he could be abusing your dd also and this is her way of lashing out? I was abused as a child and acted (although not as bad) in a similar way.

I think it’s entirely reasonable, even a positive thing, to tell your daughter you love her unconditionally, but will not accept her behaviour.

To the PP who tragically lost her son, my sincere condolences, but that was a low blow.

I think you are very naive if you are so sure that every person with very problematic behavior must be that way because “something happened to them to make them like this.”

The OP offers help, the daughter has been offered professional help, she refuses it.

What is the OP supposed to do, realistically, once things get to this point?

In what way is her dad abusive? I hope social services are aware of his abuse?

I wouldn't want her there either but it must be torture for you.

@HikingforScenery I agree which is why I'm doing everything in my power to get her the help she needs but she rarely engages. I've been fighting for years for her and will keep fighting. She knows that the help available now won't be there once she leaves school. She's got a very invested team at school working with her. We all have regular meetings about her and with her.

I don't want this to become a repeat of my other thread; this one was just for Christmas and how to manage that. I'm happy that I have a solution and Dd is seeing me later this week at my invitation to het her presents and see us behind Christmas.

@Playfulplatypus he is emotionally and verbally abusive and SS know but don't have any concerns and closed the case but referred us to the early help workers and she is r we're irking with us as a family. ExH won't change and completely denies any abuse happened, the courts are aware and said she wants to live with her dad and is old enough to make that decision so she can live there if that's what she wants.

Consequences for acting violentl. I would not have her join us either. And for all the fuss we make, Christmas really is just a day and not like she is being refused necessities of life.

If you have 2 other children then you have to protect them. As sad as it is, it’s not fair for them to be exposed to that behaviour.

Biggest commiserations stitchinguru I’m so sorry to read this. You make a very good point( no judgement on OPs post)

I think you have made the only decision you could in the circumstances but of course it hurts. I hope you manage to have a peaceful and happy Christmas.

I think you have absolutely made the correct decision OP.

Your other children see their sister with so much power in their lives.

Causing angst and grief at every turn.

You are doing your best and she may or may not be willing to be helped.

What you cannot do is sacrifice your other children any further at the alter of her needs.

You have to respect their difficult decision to ask that they take space from her.

She is not entitled to be with them when they actively request that she isn't.

These are the consequences of her behaviour and she will have to hear it and accept it.

You have 100% made the correct decision.

Your mother does not owe your daughter her likely last Christmas either.

I haven't faced this situation so I can only offer a view, but I think that she needs a dose of reality.

That is that people WILL choose to not be around her and will move on with their lives if she continues on this path.

I would not show her any upset or distress.

You have made your decision and are standing by it.

You have more that one child and will make decisions that protect them from her.

She should not be near their birthdays again whilst she behaves like this.

Your other children do not owe her their childhood.

In very very vaguely similar situations where one child was allowed to dominate family life with their poor behaviour, there has been huge resentment towards parents and sibling which has permanently fractured the relationships by causing low contact with the parents.

Let this be the beginning of a new chapter.

You will always love her, but you will now respect your other children's legitimate desire to not be around her and her behaviour.

They have every right to a happy peaceful childhood and memories.

Put your guilt away.
Should it pop up, reflect on the courage it has taken for your other children to spell out that they no longer want to be around her.

Not easy for them to feel and admit.

Wishing you a good Christmas.