You cooked a roast you didn’t discover gravity

[Rose789]

Dh family came over for New Years dinner.
They were meant to come for Christmas then I ended up having gallbladder surgery on the 21st so they did their own Christmas dinner. Decided at the time that dh would make the New Years dinner for everyone so all 10 of us could be together.

In his version he has single handily fed the four thousand alllllllllll by himself. In PIL version he may as well have hand reared the cow, took it on day trips and catered for its every whim before slaughtering it himself before dawn.

The actual version.
Dh doing an online food order. How many carrots do you think I’ll need? Should I get X or Y. What’s that stuff that you normally make at Christmas? What’s the recipe? What’s that? Where will it be on the asda website? And on and on and on.
Order arrived on Thursday and there were 7 things he had forgotten- including dessert. Because he was at work I ended up walking to the local tesco (still can’t drive) to get the missing stuff.
Yesterday I peeled and chopped all the veg while he had the kids at the park.
Put the wine and drinks in the fridge.
Cleaned the house for guests coming.
Set the table

The kids did not sleep well last night with the fireworks and stuff and between the 2 of them I managed about 3 hours of broken sleep.
I’m still recovering after surgery and I’m just knackered. Made a special New Year breakfast (pancakes) for everyone, cleaned the kitchen and tidied the living room. Got to 10am and I was flagging so me and dd2 went for a nap. Got up at 12 as guests coming at 2.

Dh had used every single utensil and pot and pan. Cupboards and drawers half open everywhere. Flour everywhere- apparently he was going to make yorkshires but the bag fell so he was sticking with good old aunt Bessie’s. So while he sat down and mopped his sweating brown. I mopped the floor, cleaned the benches. Loaded the dishwasher and did a sink full of dishes.
He cooked the joint but I had to check the meat thermometer “just in case” While I was there could I sort the juices out for the gravy. Could I wrap it up to rest. Could I just quickly do this and do that.

Guests arrived. Dh was cooking so I got everyone drinks and all sorted. While PIL exclaimed lovingly how glad they were dh was looking after me and how lovely that I got to sit down and relax with them.
Had dinner and it was lovely to be fair. But Jesus Christ I’ve never seen so much fawning in all of my life. Eeeeh he made it all by himself while tending to his wife’s every need.

They’ve gone home now. They did offer to help clean up to be fair, but dh insisted it was in hand and to sit and relax and have another drink. The kitchen and the dining room are bomb sites. The kids need bathing and putting to bed.
Dh lying on the sofa fast asleep after several drinks to celebrate the new year and the wonder of a man cooking a dinner ‘on his own’.

Sorry to be the grinch of new year

OMG YANBU!

I had a wisdom tooth out in the summer. I warned DH that I would not be cooking 'normal' food for at least a week. Offered to make/buy stuff for the freezer. Got home at 5.00 after a traumatic experience. Anaesthetic wears off and I'm in agony. About an hour later he pipes up, 'what shall we have for dinner?' (He had frozen pizza and I had a yoghurt).

I think I need to come off mumsnet because it's making me hate men...or is it making me see the truth...runs off into woods to build cabin and be alone forever

YANBU OP

Though I’m not convinced discovering gravity was all that hard either

I think I need to come off mumsnet because it's making me hate men...or is it making me see the truth...runs off into woods to build cabin and be alone forever*

Mumsnnet doesn't hate men, most of us have partners or husbands and are in relationships which are fair, non abusive, and each partner pulls their weight to make a family run smoothly. Many of us have sons, adult or child . As a group women in mumsnet love the good men in their lives.
Mumsnet dislikes cocklodgers, men who control, feel priviledged simplty becuae of their sex- and the existing social structures that have furnished them with these expectations- it;s not men per se that ae the problem- equality is the goal.
The existing structures suit some men well, happy to be waited on, be treated like lords, to have their domstic thinking done for them.
But it takes women to uphold these structures too, to treat themselves like underdogs and skivvies, it's not funny, it is facilitating the very thing some women complain about.
Order arrived on Thursday and there were 7 things he had forgotten- including dessert. so fucking what- his party, his parents. I ended up walking to the local tesco (still can’t drive) to get the missing stuff. why exactly? You want a sticker on your good girl chart?
It's not funny, it's sad that some women are unable to treat themselves with respect, run themselves ragged and then expect sympathy or recognition for behaving like a servant.
It sets a bad example to our children- boys and girls to watch their mothers treat themselves with so little self respect in these situations. These children grow up buying into the paradigm. Entitled lazy men and women who treat themselves like doormats.
In behaving like the OP she not only disrespects herself, but models this behaviour to the next generation, and endows any daughters with the skivvie mentality too..
It's not just about men, it's about women. We are lucky to live in an age that marriages are escapable, that marital abuse and violence is a criminal offence. The echoes of that legacy continues , and many women still treat themselves ina disrespectful way.
Stand up sisters- it begins by treating ourselves with equity, by having boundaries, by recognising what is fair, and not being afraid to claim your own needs.

@arethereanyleftatall

Christ on a bike. You are brilliant op. You are funny, articulate, and clearly capable. Why on Earth you are with this pathetic man is anyones guess. The bar is so so low.

Jesus that's a bit over the top purely based on this one incident don't you think?? You know nothing about op or her husband. This place makes me laugh 🤣🤣

If you run around doing stuff for other people, they will let you do it.

The only thing I would say, is that if I took it on myself to do something mechanical (say change a tyre on a car) it would go much like your OH’s attempt to cook a large family meal.

I would want my DH to stand with me and talk me through it, I’d need him to pass me the right tools, I’d need a lot of encouragement, I’d probably want him to step in once I’d gotten over the novelty. And if by some miracle I did manage it, I’d probably waltz off to phone all my friends to tell them I single handedly changed a tyre, leaving my poor DH to put all the tools away.

Poor old DH cooks a mean roast too…

Before anyone flames me, this is very tongue in cheek, but also holds an element of truth….

Holly60

If that's your style.
I learned to change my own tyres when I was 19, a basic life skill surely?
Like you though I prefer not to. Also the hydraulic tools garages use to tighten wheel nuts means it is really difficult to release with any flimsy tool contained with a spare tye. A flat tyre means a quick call to the RAC who come to do it for free. OH would also call the RAC with a flat tyre.

@Holly60 I have to say, I see changing a tyre as a basic life skill too.
Same with a lot of the DIY work like putting up a shelf etc…

There is no need for any sex to be unable to do some thing as basic as that.

Plus, tbh you dint need to change a tye very often.
Cooking however happens 3 times a day. So there’s really no excuse in my book.

Yanbu to be pissed off op. It sounds like it’d have easier easier to do the lot yourself. I think part of being a good partner is knowing when your other half is bloody knackered and needs a night off!!

I think anyone can advise you to stand back and let him have a horrible time preparing everything while his family wait and wait, but realistically who would do that to their partner just to teach them a lesson? I couldn’t. I definitely would’ve woken him to from his nap so we can tidy up though.

Also I’d forgive the family making a fuss of him for doing dinner and looking after you. Let them delude themselves about their pride and joy if it makes them happy 😆

I really hope you didn't do the washing up yesterday

@speakout your post has made me think, this is why I like mumsnet. I Do agree, I was making a silly comment because I've read a lot of posts about entitled men recently. I agree it's a patriarchal system thing but the thought that it is also women's responsibility to change it seems like another task added to our already huge list (I realise you said men as well).
I can sympathise with the OP because her partners incompetence would have been stressful. I hate that the solution to these entitled men is to watch them fail because it affects everyone around them. I've seen it in my own partner and I'm definitely not an enabler. I've nearly ended things with him over this and he is a good one, just very ingrained in the patriarchal system. The whole thing makes my head hurt hence wanting to run away into the woods.

@minipie

YANBU OP

Though I’m not convinced discovering gravity was all that hard either

The apple didn't seem to have much trouble with it. It probably couldn't cook a roast though.

@Holly60

The only thing I would say, is that if I took it on myself to do something mechanical (say change a tyre on a car) it would go much like your OH’s attempt to cook a large family meal.

I would want my DH to stand with me and talk me through it, I’d need him to pass me the right tools, I’d need a lot of encouragement, I’d probably want him to step in once I’d gotten over the novelty. And if by some miracle I did manage it, I’d probably waltz off to phone all my friends to tell them I single handedly changed a tyre, leaving my poor DH to put all the tools away.

Poor old DH cooks a mean roast too…

Before anyone flames me, this is very tongue in cheek, but also holds an element of truth….

My husband is disabled, I've had to learn to do lots of things that in the past I'd have left to him. He did woodwork and metalwork at school, I did needlework and cooking so it wasn't that I couldn't do things I'd just never learned. Initially he would give me advice/directions but most things aren't that hard. My main issue now is arthritis in my hands which makes some things difficult.

I have to say I was a bit shocked when male teacher at GSs school needed a jump start for his car. I had leads and moved so he could do it. He looked at me totally lost and said he had no idea what to do. I told him how to do it and supervised him. I asked him if he knew how to check oil/water/tyres and he hadn't a clue. It was the first thing I did with my kids (male and female) when they got their first car.

[quote Veryverysadandold]@speakout your post has made me think, this is why I like mumsnet. I Do agree, I was making a silly comment because I've read a lot of posts about entitled men recently. I agree it's a patriarchal system thing but the thought that it is also women's responsibility to change it seems like another task added to our already huge list (I realise you said men as well).
I can sympathise with the OP because her partners incompetence would have been stressful. I hate that the solution to these entitled men is to watch them fail because it affects everyone around them. I've seen it in my own partner and I'm definitely not an enabler. I've nearly ended things with him over this and he is a good one, just very ingrained in the patriarchal system. The whole thing makes my head hurt hence wanting to run away into the woods.[/quote]
I don't see it as a woman's problem to solve it but I do think women sometimes need to let men fail as it is how we learn. When my husband was first disabled I had my first go at decorating, it wasn't pretty but it was clean and bright and I learned something, if he'd been fit and well and just taken over I'd have learned nothing.

Veryverysadandold thank you for your post- and ancientgran has hit the nail on bthe head.

It's not about women doing more to change the system, it is about doing less. I understand the burdens that woman have, but it can actually be as simple as just dropping the baggage. Let others carry it, let the men at least carry their own baggage or an equal load. If they fuck up, fine, they will learn.
No ironed shirts? Oh dear. No shaving foam bought for them? Tragic. No packed lunch made for them? So sad.

I am not suggesting that couples should be doing nothing for each other by any means, in fact I think that helping each other and doing tasks for each other and tasks that benefit the whole family is a healthy way to live.

But it must be equitable.
And if it is not equitable then women can simply drop some of the luggage until a lazy man finds life less comfortable that he likes. Doesnt even take any effort. Put your feet up, drink more tea.

Thank you speakout. The funny thing is my husband can't even carry a newspaper when we do the shopping so not much chance of him carrying his baggage. Maybe being in my position gives me a certain perspective but yes do less while you can, one day you might be me and have no choice.

ancientgran

I am a carer to two adult family members- I understand baggage more than you may realise.

I still think it is possible to put down baggage even if it is even emotional, seek every bit of support and help you can for yourself and your family.
My 24 son is housebound- even stepping outside for a run in the car woud be a bright day for me.
I do have some insight into the life of a carer.

How depressing that even after surgery you still needed to do most of the donkey work.

even after surgery you still needed to do most of the donkey work.

She didn't have to do it though. That't the point.

PPs on this latest part of the thread have nailed it.

It doesn't have to be as drastic as LTB on one hand, or on the other, of accepting that MN members are shrews who hate men unless they're willing to facilitate all manner of BS from their in laws to keep their partners happy, or to take on the vast bulk of household labour whilst still holding down careers of their own.

Simply drop the rope. Let it all go to shit. If it happens a second time, rinse and repeat.

They'll quickly learn.

@speakout

ancientgran I am a carer to two adult family members- I understand baggage more than you may realise. I still think it is possible to put down baggage even if it is even emotional, seek every bit of support and help you can for yourself and your family. My 24 son is housebound- even stepping outside for a run in the car woud be a bright day for me. I do have some insight into the life of a carer.

We carers do have it tough at times. Yes I was joking about DHs baggage, he can't do the physical stuff but isn't bad on the emotional. We take our wins where we can don't we.

It is even harder for the young. When my DH got his diagnosis I had a ten day old baby on my lap, poor doctor found it hard let alone us.

Don't know about you but I plod on and enjoy life then every now and then I get a bad day or two. Don't know why it happens, nothing particularly triggers it, I think it just builds up and I need a moment.

Hope you are getting help with it all. We do need to look after ourselves.

My mother's friend is a school dinner cook and comes back exhausted from work, In her 50s and in poor health.
Her OH doesn't work, does nothing around the house and the woman comes back to breakfast dishes in the sink.
My mother is so full of sympathy for this "poor woman who has to come home and start cleaning and cooking"
Women like that are oushing back the femist movement 50 years.
I have zero sympathy for her.
In fact it makes me angry to hear of women like this who treat themselves with such little respect.
It's not sympathy she needs, it is a spine.

Though I’m not convinced discovering gravity was all that hard either

Wasn’t it Douglas Adams that said of gravity ‘someone was bound to notice it eventually; they even keep it switched on at weekends‘