You cooked a roast you didn’t discover gravity

[Rose789]

Dh family came over for New Years dinner.
They were meant to come for Christmas then I ended up having gallbladder surgery on the 21st so they did their own Christmas dinner. Decided at the time that dh would make the New Years dinner for everyone so all 10 of us could be together.

In his version he has single handily fed the four thousand alllllllllll by himself. In PIL version he may as well have hand reared the cow, took it on day trips and catered for its every whim before slaughtering it himself before dawn.

The actual version.
Dh doing an online food order. How many carrots do you think I’ll need? Should I get X or Y. What’s that stuff that you normally make at Christmas? What’s the recipe? What’s that? Where will it be on the asda website? And on and on and on.
Order arrived on Thursday and there were 7 things he had forgotten- including dessert. Because he was at work I ended up walking to the local tesco (still can’t drive) to get the missing stuff.
Yesterday I peeled and chopped all the veg while he had the kids at the park.
Put the wine and drinks in the fridge.
Cleaned the house for guests coming.
Set the table

The kids did not sleep well last night with the fireworks and stuff and between the 2 of them I managed about 3 hours of broken sleep.
I’m still recovering after surgery and I’m just knackered. Made a special New Year breakfast (pancakes) for everyone, cleaned the kitchen and tidied the living room. Got to 10am and I was flagging so me and dd2 went for a nap. Got up at 12 as guests coming at 2.

Dh had used every single utensil and pot and pan. Cupboards and drawers half open everywhere. Flour everywhere- apparently he was going to make yorkshires but the bag fell so he was sticking with good old aunt Bessie’s. So while he sat down and mopped his sweating brown. I mopped the floor, cleaned the benches. Loaded the dishwasher and did a sink full of dishes.
He cooked the joint but I had to check the meat thermometer “just in case” While I was there could I sort the juices out for the gravy. Could I wrap it up to rest. Could I just quickly do this and do that.

Guests arrived. Dh was cooking so I got everyone drinks and all sorted. While PIL exclaimed lovingly how glad they were dh was looking after me and how lovely that I got to sit down and relax with them.
Had dinner and it was lovely to be fair. But Jesus Christ I’ve never seen so much fawning in all of my life. Eeeeh he made it all by himself while tending to his wife’s every need.

They’ve gone home now. They did offer to help clean up to be fair, but dh insisted it was in hand and to sit and relax and have another drink. The kitchen and the dining room are bomb sites. The kids need bathing and putting to bed.
Dh lying on the sofa fast asleep after several drinks to celebrate the new year and the wonder of a man cooking a dinner ‘on his own’.

Sorry to be the grinch of new year

Ugh. How can he face you and genuinely not acknowledge your input or be embarrassed at everyone praising him and call them out? How can you respect him if he doesn't? Why be a martyr for goodness sake!!! And how can you be attracted to a man who believes his own family's hype? Ugh.

@powershowerforanhour

"Pretend to be feeling ill if needed. Stay in bed with a book or Netflix. Express a lot of gratitude. Do not lift a finger. Ask for food to be delivered to your bedside because you’re too unwell."

Do it do it do it.

This times a million.

Funny, sad and so relatable @Rose789

I could have written this apart from the surgery part!

I think we make a rod for our own backs tbh.

Martyrdom is alive and well I see.

He isn't going to change. So you are going to have to.

I'm another one asking 'why!'

Why did you go shopping, do all the cleaning/shopping/chopping?? You're your own worst enemy!!

My DH invited his family over today for a New Year’s Day lunch, he can’t cook and I really didn’t want to as he didn’t lift a finger when my family came on Boxing Day, so I did help him clean and tidy andI ordered the Pizza Hut pizzas but there’s no way I would of cooked a home cooked with all the trimmings lunch.

You sound like you have done loads more than you should have. Take it easy 💐

Is he the same DH who had to be practically begged to cancel them all coming for Christmas 2 days post-surgery because “he’d do it all”? If not, you’re not the only MNer with an overly ambitious husband whose sense of his own capabilities is grossly over-inflated.

You’d better bloody not be cleaning the kitchen!

It all sounds quite exciting to me, and what you personally got out of it all, was being able to write down an amusing take on all things on here. I enjoyed reading your post.

I read posts like this and I don't understand the dynamics of the OP's relationship at all. Why have you already done all this when in your own words you are 'exhausted' from surgery? It seems like you're willingly being a doormat and then complaining about it to everyone but the person you're letting walk all over you.

Every year at my sisters christmas dinner...

She'd get a wad of cash off my dad to buy all the food for us all..

Do a huge shop...

Then admit to me she'd forgotten half of the actually vital stuff so I'd go buy that.

Then, the end result would be that 90% of it would be prepped or cooked by me, mostly at my house, and fetched round to her.

She would cook the meat and any veg that either cooked with the meat in the same tin or was a simple 'pan of boiling water' job (usually only one thing). She'd bugger all of these, usually over cooking the meat then not leaving it to rest.. everything would be at least two hours later than advertised too..

I would produce starters, roasted new potatoes with garlic, cauliflower cheese, pigs in blankets, cheesey mash, parsnips n carrots with a honey glaze, stuffing balls, sprouts with bacon, yorkshire puddings, some sort of dessert (variously, home made chocolate mousse with a salt caramel core, frosted fruits citrus pavlova, mini cheese cakes)...

And eventually we'd eat all this and everyone would declare what an AMAZING chef she was and how wonderful to do it all....

After a few years of these shenanigans I gave up, I think it was the year she said 'well you just do the extra bits and we don't really need those...' that did it..

The next year I had three people ask me for the recipe for the 'extra bits ' as they'd been disappointed they didn't appear!

My FIL is the same. You would think husband had successfully built and launched a rocket. Of course when I made a birthday cake and said I hoped it tasted ok, the response was «it’s just a cake».

I think YABU for doing everything you did to help, considering all you did that makes me come to the conclusion that you can't be feeling too bad after the op. You made the choice to let his family come and you made the choice to help him out instead of resting. Your post really does come across as you playing the martyr and wanting everyone to berate your dh and his family. I don't agree with his family praising him like he's a god for making a meal (with help but it sounds like they didn't know that), they obviously have very little expectations of men🤦🏼‍♀️

My friend calls this being a 'glory chef'. See also barbecues when someone else has sorted out all the salads, sides, drinks, dressings, bread, puddings etc

Why is the house clean a priority when you’re sick ?
And children don’t have to have a bath before bed.

Stop being a martyr and just get takeout if you’re ill.

The bar is sooooo low for men! Ditto bbqs.

YANBU.

I've never forgotten the time my then-partner decided to make a pudding for his the friends he'd invited over that evening. I had to get out of the bath no fewer than three times to "help" because it transpired he didn't know how to make pastry, or how you'd prep the filling, or how to cook it. By the third time he called me in a flap I was ready to drown him in the fucking bath.

I know you're trying to see the humour, OP, but your story is as grim as it gets.

What lessons are you giving your DC? That men can bumble and act confused and a woman walks behind them clearing up their shit so he can bask in glory?

I said YABU but only because you are recovering from major surgery so should be doing sweet FA unless your body feels like it would be good to do it. Please take your recovery seriously. Dishes can wait, children can go to bed without a bath, he can sleep on the couch and wake up freezing cold with a sore neck at 2am surrounded by the chaos he was too magnificent to deal with.

DO NOT TIDY ANYTHING UP. YOU ARE RECOVERING FROM SURGERY. GO. TO. BED.

@TerrifiedandWorried

My friend calls this being a 'glory chef'. See also barbecues when someone else has sorted out all the salads, sides, drinks, dressings, bread, puddings etc

Had that one time at work. A few of us ( all women) did all the graft, the shopping, the preparation for a staff barbecue. One guy stood at the barbecue, and people started praising him. I put them right.

OP, as others have said, do not touch the clearing up. That's martyrdom, doing all of that, especially after surgery. I would have stayed in bed.

He sounds crap. But I also couldn’t be like you having to highlight who did what. I’d have said no to having people round if I wasn’t recovered, if he insisted then I’d have taken no part in it whilst recovering from an operation. I couldn’t be with someone like him but it all seems a bit childish so I couldn’t be doing with any of it.

I hope you’re feeling much better soon.

@CaMePlaitPas

It never ceases to amaze and depress me at how low the bar is for men. They are distinctly unimpressive.

Get well soon OP x

It can go both ways. I visited elderly aunt with dementia, her socialworker was there. I'd brought a tube as kitchen light wasn't working. Changed the tube, still not working, got a new starter out of my kit and fitted it. The light worked.

Social worker acted like I'd split the atom, how had I learned how to do that, how did I know it might need a new starter, was it hard to fit the new tube. I found it really odd.

I won't even go into peoples reactions to me decorating the hall, stairs and landing last summer. Apparently at nearly 70 I should be sitting in my rocking chair listening to The Archers.

Ugh. Yet again a man getting over the top praise for doing half a job that when a woman does it properly on her own it doesn't even get acknowledged

OK. Is your husband actually useless and a 'glory chef' or does he have the ability to be capable but you don't want to let go. If the former YANBU and if the later YABU and you need to train him to do more and yourself to let go.

I hope the reason you haven’t commented is NOT because you are cleaning. I hope you’ve woken him to see to the DCs and clean up.

TBF when the in laws offered to help you could have said yes please because I’m knackered because I’ve done all the real work.