You cooked a roast you didn’t discover gravity

[Rose789]

Dh family came over for New Years dinner.
They were meant to come for Christmas then I ended up having gallbladder surgery on the 21st so they did their own Christmas dinner. Decided at the time that dh would make the New Years dinner for everyone so all 10 of us could be together.

In his version he has single handily fed the four thousand alllllllllll by himself. In PIL version he may as well have hand reared the cow, took it on day trips and catered for its every whim before slaughtering it himself before dawn.

The actual version.
Dh doing an online food order. How many carrots do you think I’ll need? Should I get X or Y. What’s that stuff that you normally make at Christmas? What’s the recipe? What’s that? Where will it be on the asda website? And on and on and on.
Order arrived on Thursday and there were 7 things he had forgotten- including dessert. Because he was at work I ended up walking to the local tesco (still can’t drive) to get the missing stuff.
Yesterday I peeled and chopped all the veg while he had the kids at the park.
Put the wine and drinks in the fridge.
Cleaned the house for guests coming.
Set the table

The kids did not sleep well last night with the fireworks and stuff and between the 2 of them I managed about 3 hours of broken sleep.
I’m still recovering after surgery and I’m just knackered. Made a special New Year breakfast (pancakes) for everyone, cleaned the kitchen and tidied the living room. Got to 10am and I was flagging so me and dd2 went for a nap. Got up at 12 as guests coming at 2.

Dh had used every single utensil and pot and pan. Cupboards and drawers half open everywhere. Flour everywhere- apparently he was going to make yorkshires but the bag fell so he was sticking with good old aunt Bessie’s. So while he sat down and mopped his sweating brown. I mopped the floor, cleaned the benches. Loaded the dishwasher and did a sink full of dishes.
He cooked the joint but I had to check the meat thermometer “just in case” While I was there could I sort the juices out for the gravy. Could I wrap it up to rest. Could I just quickly do this and do that.

Guests arrived. Dh was cooking so I got everyone drinks and all sorted. While PIL exclaimed lovingly how glad they were dh was looking after me and how lovely that I got to sit down and relax with them.
Had dinner and it was lovely to be fair. But Jesus Christ I’ve never seen so much fawning in all of my life. Eeeeh he made it all by himself while tending to his wife’s every need.

They’ve gone home now. They did offer to help clean up to be fair, but dh insisted it was in hand and to sit and relax and have another drink. The kitchen and the dining room are bomb sites. The kids need bathing and putting to bed.
Dh lying on the sofa fast asleep after several drinks to celebrate the new year and the wonder of a man cooking a dinner ‘on his own’.

Sorry to be the grinch of new year

And I voted YABU because you have been a bell end, grow a backbone and use words to tell your husband what you need.
Unless of course you are both experts in telepathy.

I'm divorced so not accountable to anyone which I think makes a huge difference!*

Not really- that's just avoiding an issue.
I have an OH, I refuse to be a martyr or a doormat.
We have a fair split of the load.

Women's internalised misogyny is very insidious.

YANBU.

Part of me wonders if this epidemic of incompetent, passive men is partly a result of how much men have been patronised and emasculated in the media and public discourse (at least in the UK). Just throwing it out there.

Gosh OP my mum had gallbladder surgery a few weeks ago and would not have been able to do even 10% of what you've done - she's not elderly or infirm, but it's such an uncomfortable recovery with every little movement. I hope you woke him up and took yourself off to bed and plan to stay there for the next few days!

I am old, really old, old enough to be the mother of many women on this site, and this sort of post ‘boils my piss’
What the fuck is going on when grown women in 2022 are incapable of seeing that domestic tasks are jointly owned and that if you are recovering from surgery you need to be taken care of?
This post is not in any way funny.

@Rose789 You have done far far more than you should, particularly after your op- sending you recovery vibes- just because your are vertical with a pulse is no reason for you to belt about as you have done.

I prescribe a full two days bed rest, just be horizontal about it all. Maybe a few twitches, spasms & piercing shrieks every time you move more than a few feet from the bed may help. Full bed rest, tea brought to you etc. You may help your incredibly talented multi-tasking DH by accepting three meals a day on a tray. He & the kids can get by in pjs, watch boxed sets, & have poppety-ping meals on a tray too.

Get some rest!

God, I know this was a piece of entertaining writing, but you are so incredibly barbed and bitter!

Well Dh said the cleaning up was under control so he obviously does have it under control. Let him do it.
Also might be worth looking up co dependence.

Has this thread been featured on the Daily Mail or is everyone just drunk this evening stop being dicks to the OP for no reason.

It is also possible that he's a tad lazy and wants to be rescued of course.

@Porcupineintherough, well I’d say that there are many more men who are lazy and incompetent (but expect constant praise) that there are women who need to check every single details all the time.
The fact the OP stepped in and did too much (which she recognises and knows so she is now staying in the bedroom to avoid that) doesn’t automatically means she is controlling.

I dont think the OP is controlling but she did choose to get involved when there was no need.

My MiL is controlling but only when it comes to affairs of the kitchen. That's her domain and she hates being forced out if it by her osteo arthritis. Other than that she's a pussy cat.

You need to let him "fail" or nothing will change. All of this "learned helplessness" is just a BS way for men to do as little as possible.

My DH and I bought a holiday home recently. Within the last 8 months I have supervised two house moves and a remodel, while working FT and parenting three kids. I told him as this purchase was his dream, the only thing I had capacity to do was show up to closing and sign things. Everything else - logistics, financing - was on him.

He came to closing without the cashier's check that was necessary to purchase the home. Apparently had no idea it was required, likely because he didn't bother reading the emails as he's so used to me doing everything. I'm sure that he figured I'd sort it all out.

I did not sort it out.

By some miracle the sellers were ok with getting the funds a day late, so we were able to proceed. If they'd said no, we'd have lost out on the home.

And maybe, just maybe, that would have been the lesson he needed.

These threads always make me love my MIL even more. None of this happens in his family, she raised two boys and thought that they should be fully capable of doing any housework or domestic task and be able to plumb in a bathroom and fit a kitchen and hold down a job.

The only household task DH sucks at is sewing and he would outsource that. If he or his brother had to cook a Christmas dinner for 12 MIL would expect it done without an issue and there would be no fawning.

On the other hand my brother was raised to not worry about these things so he can barely make a sandwich. Teach your dc how to do this stuff and get them used to pulling their weight in the house as it’s a huge kindness for them and getting them to be functioning adults will only help future relationships as it amazes me how many men and women I know who struggle to cook or clean, uni was quite eye opening.

Print out your post in big font and put it on the refrigerator and include it all your emails to your ridiculous relatives on his side.

Stop being a martyr.

FFS

Op, throw the dishes in the bin before you wash a single one

Maybe a few years ago I would have found this amusing but the older I get the more I see how women are treated.

I personally think you made a rod for your own back OP, I think your DP is a twat for letting you do it, but also you went out and did it instead of just going fuck it.

@LostForIdeas

I’m also :( to see that many posters see that account as hilarious.

I didn’t find it funny at all. But sad for the OP, angry at her DH and a bewildered that she wasn’t able to step back when she was the one recovering form surgery.
I’m pretty sure that if roles were reversed, her DH wouldn’t have moved from the bed for the whole two weeks afterwards and would have expected all meals in bed, pillows fluffed and regular cups of tea.

Agreed.

Why did they even come over, anyway, knowing that the OP had just has surgery

• the older I get the more I see how women treat themselves

Why did they even come over, anyway, knowing that the OP had just has surgery
Maybe they wanted to see their son.

The op could have stayed in bed all day watching netflix eating snacks.

She chose to act like an eager little puppy instead.

I hear ya!

I am recently and relatively-ish amicably separated but still living together in house with ex. DW did all the Christmas food shopping and made Christmas Dinner this year BUT it was 1st time in our 18 years together (because like a massive mug I've done it for us and family ever other year. Refused this year).

She complained angrily on boxing day how it was so unfair she'd had to work on the run up to Christmas AND buy Christmas food too. How could she possibly be expected to find the time?! Its easier for me.. moan moan moan.

I work too. Just short of full time, and look after 2 kids one of whom is disabled 😕. So clearly I have so much more time. And can't even use the 'you're a woman excuse'.

Default parenting isn't just confined to women with men. She's been deliberately crap all these years as a tactic. This is why we are separated and divorcing! Don't become that person I was. Mug central. Best Christmas ever for me this year. Actually got to help the kids play with the things they got instead of being glued to the cooker.

My DH is capable but lazy.
I the past, Christmas lunch, I do the shopping and ordering, but he likes to pretend he cooks.
In our household, whoever does the cooking, does not clean up.
DH ( program planner, time lines are important), likes to plot Christmas Day cooking on a white board and assign tasks. DM, DC and I do our tasks at the allotted times.
DH then tries to co opt help with his tasks when we are doing ours, I call him on it every time.
After producing the turkey, (I do the ham as DD2 does not eat turkey), he then eats himself stupid and refuses to help clean up as he “cooked”.
Gets called on that as well.
Sit back, rest and recuperate. Let him clean up.
I like to tell my patients that they risk a hernia if they do too much too soon. That will take them offline for another surgery, so it is sensible to heal properly the first time round.( no studies to prove this).

Why is this funny? Your H treated you like an idiot and you let him, then his family were patronising. I just don’t see why you think he’s been a cheeky boy OP.

The thing to remember, OP, is that you facilitated this charade

You were an active part of it

For whatever reason. But you kind of did all that... for what? To now feel cross?

Why did you not stay in bed and recover whilst he made a hash of it, his relatives could have helped him clear up

You need to learn to look after yourself, you are recovering from an op/illness, so put yourself first and just let him get on with it

He did nothing wrong, it was you who got involved left right and centre.... but ask yourself why you chose to do that...