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Original poster

Overgenerous friend

64 replies

Gingerkittykat · 20/12/2021 05:04

I know most people on here are upset that people buy them thoughtless tat but I have the opposite problem.

My friend has form for buying overly generous gifts so when she asked what we wanted for Christmas I sent our wishlists. I put one item costing £20 on mine and DDs had several items from £5 to £35 to choose from.

The Amazon packages arrived and she had bought every item from DDs wishlist (£100+). She also sent my gift as well as a £100 gift card then another package arrived which was a £45 Seoul gift box because she knows we like Korean food.

I of course phoned and said thanks but also made it clear I was uncomfortable about the amount of money she spent.

I have bought her a couple of gifts totalling £60 or so which is more than I normally spend on people. She is a nightmare to buy for and has also gone plastic free and has talked about everyone needing to buy less stuff for Christmas anyway.

AIBU to spend the large gift card on stuff for her and have it delivered to her house? I'm thinking things like bulk buying her some dog food and environmentally friendly cleaning products since I can't think of treat things she would like.

We won't see each other over Christmas but normally spend Hogmanay together and even then it will be a fight to stop her from paying for everything, there are times I've actually grabbed her card out of her hand to stop her using it when we were out since she will swipe it over the card reader before I get the chance to do so.

OP posts:
bettertimesarecomingnow · 20/12/2021 05:41

No she wanted to treat you and she has

Use the gift card for alcohol at new year and snacks and make her a nice dinner

SalsaLove · 20/12/2021 05:44

My experience is that some people just enjoy treating others and it makes them feel good to be generous. Why are you uncomfortable about it? Do you think she will expect the same in return?

Borracha · 20/12/2021 05:45

I guess the big question is, can she afford it?

If yes, then I would accept it graciously and certainly not try to 'match' her spending in what you buy her.

If no, then I guess it's a bigger issue and something you need to address with her.

Stuffin · 20/12/2021 05:46

Nothing you have said implies she expects the same back.

Therefore I would accept the gift as it was intended.

Some people just enjoy giving.

MimiDaisy11 · 20/12/2021 06:10

I think the above question from a pp is important. Can she comfortably afford this or is she likely getting into debt? If she’s well off just be grateful and thank her. She probably enjoys giving great gifts.

DisforDarkChocolate · 20/12/2021 06:16

I agree that if she can afford it then say thank you and enjoy it.

Some people love present giving, it makes them happy. My MIL is like this and I've had to learn to accept it.

Newnews · 20/12/2021 06:24

I understand that it’s made you uncomfortable but you need to recognise that your friend is trying to be kind and generous. If I did this for a friend (and felt like I was getting them these gifts as a really lovely treat) then I would be very upset if they used the gift card I bought them to buy me dog food and get it delivered to my house. That is possibly the rudest thing you could do and quite frankly bizarre. She is presumably perfectly able to buy her own dog food.

You have already told her it makes you uncomfortable so you have made your point there. If you really don’t want to accept the gift card then at least give it back to her and she can spend it on someone else or on things for herself that she actually wants. Not bloody dog food.

Then in future years just don’t send her so many options, just select one thing for DD to ask for.

To be honest it sounds like she’s got a lot of money and just likes to treat her friends. She sounds lovely.

rrhuth · 20/12/2021 06:34

I've a friend the same but nowhere near as extravagant as the op's example. But they buy for my children, and then asked me this year to just donate to charity for them. I find it hard but I do as they wish.

Suzi888 · 20/12/2021 06:40

@MimiDaisy11

I think the above question from a pp is important. Can she comfortably afford this or is she likely getting into debt? If she’s well off just be grateful and thank her. She probably enjoys giving great gifts.
^ this If she’s very well off and can easily afford, she just enjoys giving.

Yeah, don’t buy dog food!

Diditopknot · 20/12/2021 06:47

If this has been an issue in the past, I would definitely not sent a wish list!!

After a long friendship I’ve now managed to get my generous friend to stop entirely and we are still the very best of friends without this issue hanging over us.
I could not reciprocate & she respects me enough to get the message of my discomfort and stopped. Thank goodness!

Huy456 · 20/12/2021 06:50

You both sound lovely tbh, let her treat you, that's her aim in all this

Huy456 · 20/12/2021 06:53

Oh and don't try to match. We give based on what we can afford, I think the only gifts that raise eyebrows are when people are being decidedly miserly, or really over stretching themselves

YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie · 20/12/2021 06:57

I imagine she enjoys the giving, as other people have said. I have two friends that I know will be totally ignored at Christmas by their dhs and kids, and those friends have got big packages from me. No one should feel left out like that and if I can help make their day less shit then that’s absolutely what I’ll do.

stayathomer · 20/12/2021 07:09

Don't try to match her, just give her something you know she'll love/special while continuing to gently let her know it's too much. If she can't afford it then maybe be more forceful!! Some people get carried away

Original poster
Gingerkittykat · 20/12/2021 07:18

She is lovely but I wish she would respect my wishes that she stops buying us stuff and paying for things when we are out.

I can see now how the dog food could be insulting.

If I send just one gift for DD she will just end up either giving her money directly or a voucher, I sent the gift list hoping she would choose just one item off it.

She can afford the gifts without getting into debt.

I would buy food and drink for New Year (I always make a home made steak pie) but she barely drinks alcohol and has a bowel condition which limits what she eats. I can maybe look at making a nice Korean dish on Hogmanay instead of our usual take away and tell her it's because I want to be a bit healthier than usual.

I'll look at buying tickets for an event or a day out once the Covid numbers have come down a bit.

OP posts:
KickBishopBrennanUpTheArse · 20/12/2021 07:35

Op I get it. While I’m sure your friend thinks she’s being lovely and generous she’s actually going against your stated wishes which can feel a bit controlling and selfish.

I have a similar situation with a friend. With her it’s that she insisted for years on always giving my dd twice what hers got from me even though I repeatedly asked her not to.

It ended up that I suggested we stop doing gifts for the kids but it did sour the friendship because it made me so uncomfortable and was all about meeting some need in her that I couldn’t understand.

mdh2020 · 20/12/2021 08:50

I have a friend who has much more money than me. She’s single and worked very hard and was lucky in her job. She buys me expensive presents (a hamper from Fortnums last year) and when I visit her she will treat me to expensive nights at the theatre. I have decided to accept all her gifts with good grace. She enjoys being able to treat her friends. In return, I am supportive towards her and always try to buy something I know she will appreciate but that I can afford.

MrBigTiger · 20/12/2021 08:53

Use the gift card to buy things for a food bank.

TheOccupier · 20/12/2021 08:55

Ask for charity donations next year if she wants to throw money around!

Beautiful3 · 20/12/2021 09:05

She is lovely and happy to buy them. She is not wanting you to match her gifts. Say thank you and treat her on a day out after Xmas.

Martinisarebetterdirty · 20/12/2021 09:13

We all have different things we are able to give. I give expensive presents as I have the luxury of money but not time. So I can’t give up time I don’t have to help someone, but I can send them something to make life a bit nicer or easier (if that makes sense?)
My sister is able to do a weekly shop for my parents or take them to appointments. I can’t but I can order online or send a taxi - I’m not looking for it back it’s just what I have to give. People like to treat and spoil their friends and family, just enjoy it - it isn’t a tit for tat transaction. That said, if you are uncomfortable you should stop doing gifts, no one wants it to be awkward!

ourSusie · 20/12/2021 09:27

I had a friend who used to do this - we had children in same class at school although my daughter wasnt especially friends with her son who I didnt want to buy for anyway. A couple of years ago we agreed not to buy gifts, especially as we had a new baby so it didnt seem fair.
I had my family Christmas day, elderly parents, sister&BiL & 3dc, me in kitchen slaving over hot stove, husband answered front door bell, yes you guessed, friend, husband, son, bearing gifts, which DH ruefully accepted but didnt ask them in.
I returned the many gifts unopened, asap She put me on the spot, knew I would be fairly stressed with a full house. I didnt know her husband, knew he didnt touch alcohol and was disapproving, her son was hyperactive, banned from every house in the village.
I was dismayed that she ignored our agreement.
Ensuring embarrasment by gate crashing a family gathering bearing gifts like 3 Magi ended the friendship. We felt socially compromised. My parents, sister and her family had no idea who they were.
She moved soon after which was purely coincidental but a great relief for us.

MrsWhites · 20/12/2021 09:31

I definitely wouldn’t advise spending the gift voucher on your friend because she’ll probably end up just spending more next year and you’ll be stuck in the cycle of spending more than you are comfortable with.

If this has been the situation for a few years then you friend is obviously not bothered that you spend less. If she has a comfortable income then I don’t see a problem with it although I understand why you find it uncomfortable.

Find other ways of treating your friend without it costing a lot, a little bunch of flowers every now and again, invite her for dinner rather than you going out if she tries to pay. Or if you wanted to treat her, perhaps book a spa treatment for you both or something for the new year.

user36738281 · 20/12/2021 09:48

She loves treating you and your kids, just show her you really appreciate her generosity, I have a feeling that’s all she wants really.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 20/12/2021 10:11

Everyone's world rocks differently. Your friend obviously enjoys being generous. She probably likes to hear how much you value the gifts. But you don't have to match her, just do what you would normally do to show you care about her.

If she's plastic free she's probably my sussed out the eco friendly cleaning products etc.

On zero waste threads most people say they appreciate experiences over material goods.