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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

Overgenerous friend

64 replies

Gingerkittykat · 20/12/2021 05:04

I know most people on here are upset that people buy them thoughtless tat but I have the opposite problem.

My friend has form for buying overly generous gifts so when she asked what we wanted for Christmas I sent our wishlists. I put one item costing £20 on mine and DDs had several items from £5 to £35 to choose from.

The Amazon packages arrived and she had bought every item from DDs wishlist (£100+). She also sent my gift as well as a £100 gift card then another package arrived which was a £45 Seoul gift box because she knows we like Korean food.

I of course phoned and said thanks but also made it clear I was uncomfortable about the amount of money she spent.

I have bought her a couple of gifts totalling £60 or so which is more than I normally spend on people. She is a nightmare to buy for and has also gone plastic free and has talked about everyone needing to buy less stuff for Christmas anyway.

AIBU to spend the large gift card on stuff for her and have it delivered to her house? I'm thinking things like bulk buying her some dog food and environmentally friendly cleaning products since I can't think of treat things she would like.

We won't see each other over Christmas but normally spend Hogmanay together and even then it will be a fight to stop her from paying for everything, there are times I've actually grabbed her card out of her hand to stop her using it when we were out since she will swipe it over the card reader before I get the chance to do so.

OP posts:

TheOldRazzleDazzle · 20/12/2021 16:58

I have to go against the grain here. Treating friends and family and being treated by them is lovely, but this sounds excessive and frequent. If I was in a similar financial situation to the friend I’d not know how to respond (the amounts mentioned here are about what I spend on my dp, and although I could certainly afford it on a friend I wouldn’t want to) and if she was considerably better off I’d feel like the disparity was being highlighted.

I understand it’s nice to treat people, but a treat doesn’t need be lavish. And if someone has to snatch your credit card away because you’re trying to pay yet again it’s becoming more about the treater than the treated!

That said, op, if you’ve tried to raise this before to no avail I have no idea what you can do other than accept with good grace as your friend is obviously doing this with good intentions. It’s easier if you’re dealing with an excessively generous person who is doing it to be controlling, which I sadly have experience of.

HollyChristmas · 20/12/2021 17:01

Not on this scale ( far from it ) but I get a gift sent to me every Christmas from a woman I worked with about 15 years ago . She retired and I've never seen her again.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/12/2021 17:03

That’s weird isn’t it?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2021 18:23

Can she afford it? If yes then you accept graciously. It would be really rude to basically throw a gift back at her buy buying dog food and cleaning products.

Lennybenny · 20/12/2021 18:39

If you knew what she was like for buying gifts....why send her a list with loads of items on it? You should either send her a very short list or just accept all her gifts.

SoSickOfItNow · 20/12/2021 18:41

@ourSusie

I had a friend who used to do this - we had children in same class at school although my daughter wasnt especially friends with her son who I didnt want to buy for anyway. A couple of years ago we agreed not to buy gifts, especially as we had a new baby so it didnt seem fair. I had my family Christmas day, elderly parents, sister&BiL & 3dc, me in kitchen slaving over hot stove, husband answered front door bell, yes you guessed, friend, husband, son, bearing gifts, which DH ruefully accepted but didnt ask them in. I returned the many gifts unopened, asap She put me on the spot, knew I would be fairly stressed with a full house. I didnt know her husband, knew he didnt touch alcohol and was disapproving, her son was hyperactive, banned from every house in the village. I was dismayed that she ignored our agreement. Ensuring embarrasment by gate crashing a family gathering bearing gifts like 3 Magi ended the friendship. We felt socially compromised. My parents, sister and her family had no idea who they were. She moved soon after which was purely coincidental but a great relief for us.

I have a very hyperactive child (ADHD/ASD) I’ve been that parent who has had to see the disproving looks of others and be judged as if my parenting is the issue. It sounds like she was just desperate to keep a friend. I hope she found nicer friends when she moved.

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 19:01

I would personally send it back.

its not a 'nice gesture' (1 reasonably priced gift of maybe £20 is a very nice gesture, nearly/over £300 worth of stuff is agressive) its seriously overstepping boundaries (same when in laws or anyone does the same and that gets slated often).

I find abusive kindness to be the worst as people will always tell you you are being unreasonable about the toxicity you are facing because they are 'being nice' (nice guy syndrome from the outside) but if you are uncomfortable and have told them to stop then they are being toxic and stomping forcefully over your boundries.

mam0918 · 20/12/2021 19:05

@SleepingStandingUp

Can she afford it? If yes then you accept graciously. It would be really rude to basically throw a gift back at her buy buying dog food and cleaning products.

OP should rightfully -throw- regift the gifts back.

georgarina · 20/12/2021 19:17

I would feel uncomfortable with this...unless she does it with everyone. Do you know if that's the case?

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2021 20:03

@ourSusie
I was dismayed that she ignored our agreement. Ensuring embarrasment by gate crashing a family gathering bearing gifts like 3 Magi ended the friendship. We felt socially compromised
I'd rather be her friend that yours. You sound utterly paranoid, that she'd done it JUST to upset you

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2021 20:09

Just because you are rich doesn't mean you can ignore agreements, stomp on boundaries, not respect your friends when repetitively asked to stop and do whatever the hell you wan't regardless of others' feelings. but there wasnt an agreement. Friend said what do you want. Op sent a long list. Friend brought some extras. But there was no agreement to spend X or only buy for the kids etc. If that's what op wants, knowing her friend is v generous, she needed to say that before sending a list of gifts.

AllIWantforXmasIsYouGotThis · 20/12/2021 20:25

Honestly, this sounds like a you problem not a her problem.

mam0918 · 21/12/2021 09:50

@SleepingStandingUp

OP has asked her before not to be over the top, she clearly states 'I wish she would respect my wishes'

Not only did she buy EVERY suggestion, but she also bought extras and sent £100 money voucher that's obviously deliberately over the top when she knows her friend is uncomfortable.

That is deliberately doing the opposite of what OP has asked her not to do multiple times and is a personal attack - you can be toxic with money you know, its about a lack of basic respect.

Newmumatlast · 21/12/2021 09:59

@YouHaveNoAuthorityHereJackie

I imagine she enjoys the giving, as other people have said. I have two friends that I know will be totally ignored at Christmas by their dhs and kids, and those friends have got big packages from me. No one should feel left out like that and if I can help make their day less shit then that’s absolutely what I’ll do.

This is really lovely

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