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Original poster

Overgenerous friend

64 replies

Gingerkittykat · 20/12/2021 05:04

I know most people on here are upset that people buy them thoughtless tat but I have the opposite problem.

My friend has form for buying overly generous gifts so when she asked what we wanted for Christmas I sent our wishlists. I put one item costing £20 on mine and DDs had several items from £5 to £35 to choose from.

The Amazon packages arrived and she had bought every item from DDs wishlist (£100+). She also sent my gift as well as a £100 gift card then another package arrived which was a £45 Seoul gift box because she knows we like Korean food.

I of course phoned and said thanks but also made it clear I was uncomfortable about the amount of money she spent.

I have bought her a couple of gifts totalling £60 or so which is more than I normally spend on people. She is a nightmare to buy for and has also gone plastic free and has talked about everyone needing to buy less stuff for Christmas anyway.

AIBU to spend the large gift card on stuff for her and have it delivered to her house? I'm thinking things like bulk buying her some dog food and environmentally friendly cleaning products since I can't think of treat things she would like.

We won't see each other over Christmas but normally spend Hogmanay together and even then it will be a fight to stop her from paying for everything, there are times I've actually grabbed her card out of her hand to stop her using it when we were out since she will swipe it over the card reader before I get the chance to do so.

OP posts:
Auntielateralflow · 20/12/2021 10:58

@rrhuth

I've a friend the same but nowhere near as extravagant as the op's example. But they buy for my children, and then asked me this year to just donate to charity for them. I find it hard but I do as they wish.
Can you just suggest to them stop exchanging gifts altogether. They can’t force you to donate to charity if you are struggling. Just say no gifts
XiCi · 20/12/2021 11:05

I think since she's treated you to some lovely gifts buying her dog food and cleaning products would be absolutely awful. Who on earth would want that as a present? I'm sure with a bit of thought you could come up with something she would love. I really wouldn't worry about her spending more money on you. A lot of people derive real pleasure from buying lovely gifts for friends. She's not demanding that you reciprocate so I would just thank her for her generosity and enjoy them!

1WeekTillChristmas · 20/12/2021 11:24

I always get alot of things for my family and close friends
I love watching them opening them especially

I never expect / want / need anything back.

Just a thank you is enough and if they can stretch to a Christmas Card i am very grateful

Luredbyapomegranate · 20/12/2021 11:50

Is she child-free OP? If so she possibly likes treating the kids as she regards friends kids like nieces and nephews.

There is absolutely no need to try and match the value of gifts. I would just enjoy them because she clearly has pleasure in giving them and why not?

If you want to be 50/50 or alternate costs when you are out (if she’s better off then perhaps she pays in more expensive places) then just find a time to say that you want to alternate costs, and sound a bit firm about it. That’s a dignity thing for you and absolutely fair enough.

An experience like theatre for next year sounds nice.

Blossomtoes · 20/12/2021 12:01

Try reading about love languages. Giving generous presents is obviously your friend’s. Just accept that people are different.

Lavanderrose · 20/12/2021 12:06

I would just thank her for her amazing generosity and after Christmas suggest that she buy less because you know shes wanting to cut down because of sustainablity reasons.
And if you are looking for a gift idea you could buy her some of those beautiful patterned reusable Beeswax Wraps for food.

DSGR · 20/12/2021 12:19

Don’t insult her by spending the gift voucher on her.
She wants to treat you and doesn’t expect the same back. What’s wrong with that? She sounds like a nice generous friend

SarahBellam · 20/12/2021 12:20

Provided she can afford it then I would accept her kindness in the spirit with which it is intended. She is not expecting the equivalent in cast back. I have a very wealthy friend who loves treating us and is very generous. There’s no way I could reciprocate. It doesn’t mean I love her less or value her less. I think your friend would hate you to spend the £100 on her when she bought it for you. Treat yourself and your daughter to Theatre tickets or some lovely picnic food and go on a picnic or something, and send her lots of photos of the joy her money has given you. That’s something she definitely will appreciate.

SpookyScarySkeletons · 20/12/2021 12:27

If she can afford it and you appreciate it then just say thank you!

I have spent the whole pandemic sending amazon gifts to my mum, sister and nana. Sometimes a bottle of gin, biscuits, Prosecco, a book I knew they were wanting. I have much more disposable income than them and I would be really upset if they had been offended by the gifts.

wishymore · 20/12/2021 12:28

What about treating her to a massage or something like that?

whateveritwilltake · 20/12/2021 12:29

I have a friend who is extremely generous but does enjoy being spoiled in return. After this Christmas I'll be letting her know I need to rein the spending in

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 20/12/2021 12:50

Just don't try to match. If she does mind receiving a less expensive present from you then she will rein in her spending next time. If she doesn't then she won't.

Lovemusic33 · 20/12/2021 12:50

I love buying presents for people, I don’t expect anything in return, that’s not how it works, if it did then gifting would just seem pointless (might as well not bother and just spend the money on yourself). Your friend sounds lovely and I’m sure she doesn’t expect you to spend the same amount on her.

Puffinhead · 20/12/2021 12:56

Please don’t be guilted to spend more than you can afford. Accept your friends presents but set yourself a personal limit for her.

I’m trying to drum this into my young teens when they’re buying for their close friends. Some of their friends tend to spend more on them than we do. We can’t match it and actually its unnecessary, I think £10-15 is more than enough, and if I can get away with cheaper (ie sales items) then I will!

Newcomer68 · 20/12/2021 13:07

You've mentioned cooking something special for her at New Year (or whenever restrictions allow!) and I suspect she'd really enjoy that, especially if her health condition means it isn't always easy for to enjoy, say, a meal out.

It's likely to mean a great deal to her that someone can take her needs into account there and take the time to make it special. Plus she'll get to enjoy your company, so it's a win-win.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/12/2021 13:30

I had a friend like this many years ago when it was just my DS and I. After a couple of years I accepted that she liked to spoil us at Christmas. Fast forward a good few years and my circumstances have changed and I’ve been able to treat my friend to spa days and meals out.
Cooking for her in the new year is a lovely idea.

Summersnake · 20/12/2021 13:46

You are a very rude person
Be thankful you have such a kind friend
Why would you want to upset her by sending dog food and cleaning products with a gift card sent for you
Are you actually trying to hurt her ?

ittakes2 · 20/12/2021 14:17

If you are sending her a list maybe she thinks she needs to buy everything on the list? If I asked someone I would expect to be told one thing - not a list. Maybe its just a misunderstanding.

Scandisaurus · 20/12/2021 14:22

@DSGR

Don’t insult her by spending the gift voucher on her. She wants to treat you and doesn’t expect the same back. What’s wrong with that? She sounds like a nice generous friend
This.
Scandisaurus · 20/12/2021 14:25

It would be very insulting to spend her voucher to you on cleaning products or dog food. Or anything else.

All you need to do is say thank you and be glad you have a friend like her. Her best gift from you would obviously be just that.

AuntMasha · 20/12/2021 14:29

Oh dear, I’m afraid I can be like this. It’s because it makes me so happy to treat people I love. I am aware that it’s all too easy to go over the top with presents and risk embarrassing the recipients so I do try to tone it down. It’s honestly meant as an expression of love.

1967buglet · 20/12/2021 16:00

Say thank you and be gracious.

Helpstopthepain · 20/12/2021 16:05

She wants to treat you so has. I had the same conversation this morning, I work hard to treat people. I treat people that I love and don’t expect anything in return (maybe a hug).

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 20/12/2021 16:29

@1967buglet

Say thank you and be gracious.
I agree.
WombatChocolate · 20/12/2021 16:48

In future, I would list one item for each member of your family on your ‘wish’ list and try to keep all under £20.

It maybe that she feels she needs to give everything you mention.

I would also stop totalling the value of what she spends and what you spend in your mind. You have your own family choices about hat to spend on presents which includes her…own your choices. Accept what she’s given you graciously.

If it feels too generous, it’s too late for this year. Accept this years graciously and with pleasure. If you need to set boundaries for gifts, doing it in January for the following year is the time. It is too late for this year…you cannot send gifts back or spend the vouchers on her. You can have a serious talk about setting limits for next year in Jan if you feel you needed to do that.

The thing is, you know she’s prone to doing this. You also sent a gift list with lots of items on it. You can hardly be surprised. I think you’re worried about matching her. In that sense, it’s become your issue rather than hers. You don’t need to match her. If you’ve got her a. Ice gift, you’ve got her a nice gift. End of.

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