No presents at Christmas?

[XmasSadface]

Every year me and sis go to our parents for christmas, and my aunt and uncle go there too. My parents like to be in control running the show.

So we're all adults. None of us are hard up. Sometimes we do secret Santa but often the "rule" is we dont do presents.

Is it just me or is this quite sad? I think even if we only bought for a tenner per person, it's just kind of..nice to do christmas presents? It just feels a bit deflating and unfestive?

Goat so if you like playing games then surely the perfect present is a new game.

"but we arent allowed!"

What do you mean? You are grown adults. What would happen it you did?

I think if you have a partner and exchange presents with them then it’s easy to say no presents to the wider family. If you’re single and won’t get anything ( and you’d like something ) then imposing a no present ban is a bit shit. My Dsis is a single mother and doesn’t have much money. I can think of lots of lovely things that she would never dream of that she’d love and never buy for herself - a beautiful bar of soap, posh shampoo & conditioner, anything edible from Fortnums food hall. Not everyone is in the position of buying what they want and not all present buying has to be “tat”

@Divebar2021

I think if you have a partner and exchange presents with them then it’s easy to say no presents to the wider family. If you’re single and won’t get anything ( and you’d like something ) then imposing a no present ban is a bit shit. My Dsis is a single mother and doesn’t have much money. I can think of lots of lovely things that she would never dream of that she’d love and never buy for herself - a beautiful bar of soap, posh shampoo & conditioner, anything edible from Fortnums food hall. Not everyone is in the position of buying what they want and not all present buying has to be “tat”

Does your sister then feel the pressure to buy everyone a present back? Or does she get an out because she’s skint and single?

@Legoisthebest

Goat so if you like playing games then surely the perfect present is a new game.

Again, not being difficult, but I wouldn’t want games gathering dust in my house, it’s just DH and I. We don’t play board games together, or when our adult friends come around. We climb mountains, run and ride bikes together. And before you suggest a gift relating to that, we buy special gear (that is often far too expensive for someone else to gift to us) and we like to research and choose the things we buy ourselves.

At Christmas, I play games with the children in my family. We always meet at my parents as they live in the middle of all the siblings (we all take food and drink to share). My mum has games she’s had for years that only come out at Christmas. Sometimes, one of the children has a new game that they want to play.

If I was given a board game as a gift, I would gratefully accept it, because the kids in my classroom would love it.

I gratefully accept any gift that I am given, and I give to those that I know like to receive (my mil loves a present). I buy gifts to give to school cleaners, dinner ladies, janitors, our TA and admin staff (from my class, not me and they make the cards).

In my family we don’t give gifts to adults (except MIL) and DH and I don’t give each other gifts and we’re all very happy about it.

I appreciate not having additional piles of shopping to do. Its a busy time of year for everyone. I do lots of end of term activities with my class; we’ve baked and iced gingerbread houses, made things with lovely new craft materials, watched a film with popcorn, had a class party and had a bonfire with marshmallows this week…and I have a class present for them today. I’ve very happily put my hand in my own pocket for it all. I’m not the Grinch.

My life is better without giving and receiving so many presents. OP would much prefer to ‘do’ presents and that’s perfectly ok too.

Does your sister then feel the pressure to buy everyone a present back? Or does she get an out because she’s skint and single

She gets an “out” as far as I’m concerned. My 3 siblings don’t buy for each other as a rule ( and we don’t buy for uncles and aunties etc ) but I suspect everyone buys for my mum as she’s widowed. My sis actually has a birthday in November so I usually give a birthday present at Christmas which gets around the “rule” but gives her something to open with no expectation of anything in return. People can genuinely give a present with no expectation of one in return but it’s difficult to receive without feeling a sense of obligation. The OP should do something with her sister - it sounds like they know each other’s tastes well enough to buy items that would be well received.

It’s not intrinsically ‘fun’ to give and receive gifts or ‘sad’ not to. But YOU feel sad about aspects of your parents’ arrangements, which is fair enough.

Several times you’ve referred to what’s ‘allowed’ or ‘expected’, eg visiting for a whole week. You have choices!

Eg if you don’t enjoy staying that long, don’t! If you want to give people gifts, do, as you’re planning to.

I gratefully accepted the gifts I was given recently on my birthday despite saying no gifts. And the charity shop gratefully accepted them a few days after.

Taking gifts for everyone there is explicitly going against the hosts’ express request, eg it means that on the day everyone will need to open the gifts, focus on it etc, rather than whatever else the hosts had planned, and your uncle/aunt will feel pressure to buy, so IMO - although your prerogative to do as you please - it is a bit passive aggressive.

Why would you feel guilty about not spending an entire week with them in the middle of nowhere? Or do you fear they would turn the screw somehow?

I think people do have different views on presents and to a point that's fair enough.

However one perspective controlling an event isn't really on. If there is an agreement for no presents, then great. But an instruction that there will be no gifts is really not on when it's clearly an event that some people might want to do so and they feel they can't opt out of the event. Why does one persons perspective win? That's incredibly controlling.

People show and appreciate love in different ways. There is nothing inherently wrong with buying gifts , although it qould be self involved to buy someone a present If they don't want to exchange presents.

For example my Dsis is obsessed with the politics around cards. My god she keeps score like you wouldn't believe. I personally hate cards with a passion. She makes a fuss so often about not receiving the right kind of card, or not receiving it for an event that you knew nothing about and had not realised a card was required. She knows I hate cards . She doesn't care, she sends one to me and my dc because she is insistent it's important. That is selfish. I send her one because she absolutely rates her own self worth on it.

It would be insane of me to say noone in an event should exchange cards because I don't want to, but at the same time I shouldn't have to recieve them if I don't want to.

Goat I meant you giving a game as a gift not necessarily receiving one.
I really can't believe there are so many on here that say there's 'nothing' they want or if they wanted something they would buy it themselves. Do none of you have any imagination of something a bit different that you wouldn't normally just buy. For example I would like to re read some old children's classic novels (or read the ones I never read) next year. I would prefer to buy secondhand copies so if I was giving that as a suggestion I would say "I really fancy some copies of old children's classic novels - they don't have to be new". Then you have the fun of seeing what you get. The books don't have to sit and gather dust on your shelf - you read and pass on.
Sorry to sound rude but some of you sound all a bit boring (and have a strange obsession over something called 'tat')

I really can't believe there are so many on here that say there's 'nothing' they want or if they wanted something they would buy it themselves. Do none of you have any imagination of something a bit different that you wouldn't normally just buy.
Sure I could think of things but I hate receiving any presents. It's not that I couldn't make a list of books I want or tickets to something or cross stitch kits or various things but it doesn't change the fact I can't stand actual being bought stuff. Have done for most of my life. I don't not want anything, I actively want nothing.

Dappled if you don't mind me asking why do you hate recieving presents or being bought stuff? I am genuinely curious (you don't have to answer if it's too private to say). Where do you draw the line? For example me and my husband buy each other little things all the time - sometimes stuff we ask for ("can you get me a copy of my magazine on your way home please") sometimes stuff we just see and know the other will like.

No, I don't mind, I just don't really know! It just makes me want to curl up and die. I hate knowing people have spent money on me if they've chosen something because it feels like immense pressure to love it. If I give a list to people (as PIL used to insist on) it feels so false it is excruciating to me. So basically neither pre-selected or surprises are anything other than massive stress to me.

DH buying me little things, that's fine I suppose because they aren't planned presents as such. Your example of can you get me a magazine or some such wouldn't bother me at all, we have totally shared money. He bought a book second hand for me randomly the other week he thought I would like. When it doesn't come with the expectation and loadedness of Xmas/birthday it's fine although if it became regular from anyone I'd be very uncomfortable very quickly.

When DH used to still get me birthday presents, before I convinced him I would really, really prefer not to he was good at getting tickets for stuff we could go to together and deliberately making it for a couple of months later so it was more separated from the actual birthday which I did find easier.

I suppose it would feel awkward if someone spends a large amount of money on gifts and they are ok but not something that 'wows' you, but in my family we don't spend a lot. For example I might give my sister a make your own tree decoration craft set. Something to do on Christmas afternoon that will take about half an hour, stick it on the tree and done. But I mean the sets that cost about £2 from The Works or somewhere.
I read a lot on these threads of people wanting to buy a 'token' gift or an extra gift and people suggest things like paperback books, Christmas biscuits, jigsaws etc. But in my family that wouldn't be a 'token' gift - it would be THE gift.
I am always shocked by the "I need to buy my niece a gift, don't know what she likes, any suggestions....my budget is £50" posts. Why on earth would you spend that much unless it's something you know they specifically want.
I think this is part of the 'guilt' of unwanted presents - people spending too high amounts of money.

@ChimChimeny

How.old are you & your sister? No one is forcing you to stay for a week in th middle.of nowhere, why don't you & your sister have the Christmas you actually want somewhere else??

This.

You are adults now, so make your own arrangements.

Sorry to sound rude but some of you sound all a bit boring It's not fun when you receive gifts you don't like or need - in fact it feels a bit disappointing. I'd rather the people who want to make me feel good send me a nice text, make me a cup of tea - lunch or dinner, catch up for coffee or a beer - these are the things I enjoy and find "fun", I don't enjoy receiving gifts I don't need - it gives me no pleasure to receive and it give me no pleasure to trail around the shops looking for a gift that someone doesn't want or need - and I know my friends say they just love unwrapping things - I just don't recognise this feeling as "fun". I get my kicks elsewhere.

I don’t really expect presents as an adult, I don’t know if that’s weird of me or not. I’m usually underwhelmed by them anyway because people just take a stab at what I’d like and it almost always misses the mark so I’d rather people didn’t bother.

@elp30

I forgot to mention that we do buy presents but they are not for each other but to a toy drive/ charity. There's a tree at our local fire station with the names and ages of children and you take one or several off and get them a gift and return it to the fire station where the firemen and women dress up as Santa and deliver them. That makes our family not buying gifts for each other feel okay.

that's such a wonderful thing to do!

If you and your sister want to give and receive, why not just give and receive between each other?

I do think that if your sister and you are in agreement, you should exchange presents (but possibly at one of your homes, so it doesn't bother anyone else).

I also think that your parents sound extremely manipulative and bossy, to insist on everything their way. Why can't you all do what you like, you aren't children..? Why would they be "hurt" if someone said "Let's do X or Y this year for Christmas?" It doesn't mean your feelings for your parents have changed, just that you would like to enjoy the celebrations your own way. I wouldn't feel guilty about this, they don't have the right to dictate to everyone else how Christmas is "done".

@Legoisthebest

Goat I meant you giving a game as a gift not necessarily receiving one. I really can't believe there are so many on here that say there's 'nothing' they want or if they wanted something they would buy it themselves. Do none of you have any imagination of something a bit different that you wouldn't normally just buy. For example I would like to re read some old children's classic novels (or read the ones I never read) next year. I would prefer to buy secondhand copies so if I was giving that as a suggestion I would say "I really fancy some copies of old children's classic novels - they don't have to be new". Then you have the fun of seeing what you get. The books don't have to sit and gather dust on your shelf - you read and pass on. Sorry to sound rude but some of you sound all a bit boring (and have a strange obsession over something called 'tat')

You said a game would be a perfect gift because I like playing games, so I assumed you meant perfect gift for me.I have no problem thinking of gifts to buy others and I do buy gifts for people who want to do that. As I’ve said a few times, we don’t do gifts or the adults in my family because my family are perfectly happy with our arrangement; we have fun hanging out together and don’t need to unwrap something to drum up entertainment.

I find it a bit odd being called boring because I don’t enjoy being given presents. I have lots of interests and am almost always busy doing something - I don’t think I’m boring at all.

Like @DappledThings, I find being given a gift excruciating, I could think of things I want, but it seems really bizarre to me as an adult (with agency and means to buy the things I desire) to ask another adult to buy me something when I could just go and buy it if I really wanted it.

Maybe it’s because I have very exact tastes. If I want a book, I would want to choose it. I have a pile of books, I have been given over the years, in the cupboard of my bedside table, that I haven’t read because I haven’t fancied them…they stay there because I feel like I should read them at some point because they were presents.

I enjoyed being given gifts as a child/teen/student when I was skint and couldn’t buy myself nice things. I love buying for my nieces and nephews. To me, presents are mostly something adults give to younger relatives/family friends, or as a token of thanks to someone.

You say you find it fun to see what you get. That’s cool - for you. I hate the suspense of wondering whether it will be something I like, or whether it will be something I have to find a home for. I hate waste and clutter so I’d rather not take the gamble if I can avoid it.

We’re all different, that’s ok.

Goat apologies for saying 'boring' (I wasn't meaning you specifically).
You are completely right - we are all different. Seriously though - if you are never going to read the books pass them on. That's the thing with books - until you read it you won't know if you like it. Even if it's one by your favourite author it doesn't always mean you will like it. Will the book givers know if you've read them? Or just say "I couldn't get into the story on that one so I never finished it". Will they care much? I doubt it. You never know they might say "Oh yes, I bought myself a copy too and never finished it either because the characters were all so annoying and the plot a bit daft" !

Yes, it is quite sad.

Start meeting at your house and begin a new tradition where presents must be dished out!