No presents at Christmas?

[XmasSadface]

Every year me and sis go to our parents for christmas, and my aunt and uncle go there too. My parents like to be in control running the show.

So we're all adults. None of us are hard up. Sometimes we do secret Santa but often the "rule" is we dont do presents.

Is it just me or is this quite sad? I think even if we only bought for a tenner per person, it's just kind of..nice to do christmas presents? It just feels a bit deflating and unfestive?

@TeaAndBiscuitsAndWine

Might be a bit of an unpopular opinion, but what happened to “it’s the thought that counts”? It’s not about spending lots of money on lavish gifts, or buying tat for the sake of it. It’s about finding something within your budget, or making something, that you think the other person will like or find useful or be made to laugh by etc. So they know you’ve been thinking about them. (For adults that is, children just want ALL THE STUFF!)

I agree. A gift doesn’t have to have cost much at all.

That said if people are happy not to exchange gifts then that’s fine but it’s clear the Op wants to and that’s also fine.

We just do a secret Santa for the adults with a budget of 20 pounds each. People post a list of things they’d like to the app we use and are guaranteed something that’s not a waste of money or a daft secret Santa present.

FYI my parents replied to the message in the group saying no, and I replied saying actually I had! Let's see what happens on the day. I'm excited for them to open mine anyway. I just like seeing people open stuff, the warmth when someone gets it right, the joking when someone gets it a bit random.

@XmasSadface

God what's with people whining about "tat"?

If you buy tat that's on you. For £20/£30 a person you don't need to buy tat. Personally I don't think it's hard to buy a gift for someone if you like them either!

I think it is hard to buy for someone you like. Ask me what I need/want and I’ll tell you nothing. I like choosing my own things, I don’t need others to guess what I’d like. I don’t appreciate gifts, so I ask people to save their money and not to buy me anything.

[quote XmasSadface]@Goatinthegarden

But he wouldn't need to buy you a coat, he could just buy you a book he has heard about and thought you would really enjoy, or if he has noticed you are running low on your favourite perfume he could get you a set, or if you've expressed an interest in supporting local artists he could get you a ceramic mug, if through lockdown you started really getting into film he could get you a Mubi subscription etc.

To me buying presents isnt about buying tat its about showing you care because you have listened to them, and giving them something they might not have thought to get themselves.[/quote]
I get what you are saying and I’m really trying not to be miserable about it, I know lots of people like presents, but I truly don’t think him buying me a gift shows he cares.

I wouldn’t want any of those things. I buy books on my kindle. I wouldn’t want a mug I hadn’t chosen (as it happens, we spent time in the summer searching for and choosing locally made ceramic mugs that we both liked and agreed on). We add films to watch lists we want to watch together and just purchase them at the time. I enjoy going to the shops, or looking online myself to choose the exact thing that I want. I really don’t enjoy being surprised with gifts.

I’m not trying to be difficult, I just don’t like gifts. I don’t like wasted money or having things I don’t really want - if I haven’t bought it myself, I probably don’t really want it.

I do think though, if you like gifts, you should express that to the people you love. If a family member told me they really wanted a present, I would understand and I would buy them one if I thought that would make them happy.

@Goatinthegarden and @Macmickmoo
Thank you for sharing your perspectives, I should respect that not everyone feels the same way about this.

In my familys case they do, as we have to make a big song and dance about their birthdays!

But I appreciate that people can have different reactions and feelings towards presents.

We had a year once where we said let's not do presents. My DH and I bought for each other, but we didn't exchange gifts with our visiting family.
I was so sick and tired of possessions, if that makes any sense. We're all adults and there is honestly nothing in the world that I want.
It wasn't sad in the slightest. We had an amazing meal, some fizz and port, played games.
This year we ARE doing presents but we've had the annual phone call from my (financially illiterate) ILs to say they've not got a tenner to rub together and we're basically not going to get anything anyway 🤷‍♀️

@OfMinceAndMen
Right, but theres a reason you only had a year where you didnt do presents?

I can’t imagine not buying my daughter a gift no matter how old she is!

[quote XmasSadface]**@Goatinthegarden* and @Macmickmoo*
Thank you for sharing your perspectives, I should respect that not everyone feels the same way about this.

In my familys case they do, as we have to make a big song and dance about their birthdays!

But I appreciate that people can have different reactions and feelings towards presents.[/quote]
This year my kids went to Uni. I posted them lots of parcels with stuff from home - their favourite choc bars and biscuits, fancy olive oil gloves sweets just small stuff they love - with a letter telling them what had been happening at home. Those parcels meant more to my kids than any Christmas present ever will - they were meant to be a big parcel of love and support from home that’s what they needed.
For Christmas they’ll get a cheque because that’s what they need now they are home.

@Macmickmoo
That is lovely, my mum used to do the same and I loved it. 🌺

@XmasSadface

God what's with people whining about "tat"?

If you buy tat that's on you. For £20/£30 a person you don't need to buy tat. Personally I don't think it's hard to buy a gift for someone if you like them either!

But if it costs £20/30 and I want it, I've already bought it. If I haven't bought it, it's because I don't want it.

If I don't want it and I'm given it, I now have something that I don't want but have to store, use, wear or donate so it's just another burden on my mental load.

If you want to show me you're thinking of me and want to cheer me up, you can do that by listening to me when I say 'I don't want anything' . Not everyone is cheered up by extra 'stuff' to deal with whether it's a physical item or the job of going out to find stuff to give to other people who think that exchanging stuff is a nice thing to do.

If pushed, I'd be quite pleased with flowers, fizzy wine or gin, or a nice day out somewhere, but I really don't mind if I don't get anything, because it's preferable to getting a load of stuff that I don't really want.

@XmasSadface our reason for only doing it for one year was it went down like a bag of wet sick with my extremely materialistic MIL! It suited the rest of us!

I think it's sad, I love choosing presents for people (I don't buy 'tat').

We've tried to do "no presents for adults" in my DH's family, but DSIL really enjoys buying gifts and always does anyway. The awkward part is she's more well off than any of us. So, while we're spending the bulk of our Xmas present money on our kids, she'll buy things like a nice perfume or a name-brand handbag. It is so generous, and should be appreciated, but it also feels unequal somehow.

I've done secret Santa and white elephant/Yankee swap with the adults in my own family. That's been fun. Everyone agrees beforehand on a spending limit (usually £25 for Secret Santa and £10 for Yankee swap). Secret Santa is more geared towards giving someone something they'd really like (we exchange "dear Santa " lists without embarrassment). Yankee swap is more like a game: you can work to get something really nice for just a tenner, or a gag gift (one year a family member bought a live lobster...), but the point is to get the ruthless trades going.

@user1493494961

I think it's sad, I love choosing presents for people (I don't buy 'tat').

But why should your desire to shop override someone else's preference to keep their house free of clutter, consume less and avoid waste?

Because however much you might think you 'don't buy tat' when we're using tat to describe 'an item that someone doesn't want no matter how nice it is' then a good proportion of it will be tat in that sense, because almost no-one will be honest about their feelings, because we're all too polite.

On any of the countless threads along the lines of 'what can I buy a middle aged woman that doesn't want/need anything' then, despite fitting that demographic, I wouldn't want about 90% of it.

@BarbaraofSeville someone spending the time to choose you a gift is a burden on your mental load is one of the saddest things I’ve read.

On my side we haven't done gifts for adults for about 20 years. It's brilliant. Just removes a layer of pressure as far as I'm concerned. SIL tried to introduce presents one year but I think she realised how uncomfortable it made everyone so didn't do it again.

@user1493494961

I think it's sad, I love choosing presents for people (I don't buy 'tat').

What makes me sad at Christmas? Shopping for gifts for people who know what the want/need better than I do you, I feel totally miserable shopping for other people. And receiving gifts I don’t want or need, pretending they are amazing and that I’m ever so grateful - even though I’ve asked them not to - they decided that was sad and they wanted to shop and then being stuck with something I don’t want - your gifts are tat to someone who doesn’t want anything!

More is not the route to happiness for everyone!

Nobody thinks they buy tat.

I still like doing presents but my DH and PILs think I'm very boring about it. I definitely don't want tat, so have a go-to list of things I can tell people I want if they ask. This is usually stuff I haven't been bothered to treat myself to in the year - new pjs, jumper, book, household ornament. This year PILs have finally given in and we have all told each other what we want and I can't wait to open exactly what I've specified and will enjoy very much on Christmas day . My family have been doing gifts like this for ages.

I also hate buying tat so if people don't give me concrete items then they get home baked goods or other foodie gifts. Surely those people who know exactly what they want and buy themselves everything could think for 10 mins about what kind of biscuit/cupcake/tipple you might want over Christmas? Not hard to buy or make something for someone like that for under £20.

How would you fell if you couldnt go this year?

@Ruibies

I still like doing presents but my DH and PILs think I'm very boring about it. I definitely don't want tat, so have a go-to list of things I can tell people I want if they ask. This is usually stuff I haven't been bothered to treat myself to in the year - new pjs, jumper, book, household ornament. This year PILs have finally given in and we have all told each other what we want and I can't wait to open exactly what I've specified and will enjoy very much on Christmas day . My family have been doing gifts like this for ages.

I also hate buying tat so if people don't give me concrete items then they get home baked goods or other foodie gifts. Surely those people who know exactly what they want and buy themselves everything could think for 10 mins about what kind of biscuit/cupcake/tipple you might want over Christmas? Not hard to buy or make something for someone like that for under £20.

Do you struggle to respect other people's point of view, because your "I'm very reasonable, I've considered your wish not to receive gifts and I've thought of another way to make it hard for you to say no and I get my own way" sounds like you really struggle to listen to people when they say no.

I would rather have presents than a 'fancy meal'. I have zero interest in Christmas Dinner and would happily eat a sandwich on Christmas Day.
If from a financial point that you have to choose between presents or meal - I want presents please.
Unfortunately.....if you have a family that is insisting on no presents then I suppose you have to put up with it. I would buy yourself a present - something you wouldn't necessarily buy. A hardback book you want to read instead of waiting for the paperback, slightly fancier bubble bath instead of supermarket own brand etc. I like simple craft sets so often spend Christmas afternoon doing whatever new craft I have (this year I have bought myself a sew your own Gonk).
What do non present receivers do all day on Christmas Day if they haven't got something new to 'do' ?

It all sounds a bit miserable - I would give the presents if you want to

What do non present receivers do all day on Christmas Day if they haven't got something new to ‘do’?

I enjoy lots of different crafts, but for me, part of the fun is planning what I’m going to make, thinking about colours, materials, etc. buying the bits I need and then actually making it.

But on Christmas Day itself, I’m usually too busy for a quiet activity as I go visiting relatives, playing games with my nieces and nephews, drinking and eating (except for last year’s covid Christmas, I did indeed stay in with DH and knitted a sock).

Realistically, we’re all different. I actually feel uncomfortable being given presents. I worry about people spending money on something I don’t really need or want when they could have spent the money on someone or something else. I feel guilty if I don’t love the gift. Then I feel bad for not feeling appropriately grateful.

However, if other family members really liked gifts, I would dutifully exchange them. Luckily, my family are all quite happy not to buy for one another (apart from the children).