Right, I would like your honest opinions please. Go on, I can take it.

[Miaou]

OK, imagine you had a relative with four dcs and no money. You yourself are reasonably well off, as are every other member of your family. Your relative with four dcs declares that they are not buying any Christmas presents, just sending a letter and a photo of the kids. In return, they don't expect to receive presents either for themselves or their kids.

Would you feel:

• That they should at least send a token gift, even if it's a bit of tat from the pound shop?

• That they should make more of an effort and buy nice things for the kids of the family?

• That it doesn't really matter?

_ Or any other opinion?

Go on, be ruthless. I'm interested to know if I should be paranoid or not

OK I purposely didn't read anyone else's contributions as didn't want to be influenced.

My honest opinion would be good on them for being honest, not getting sucked into the mental overspending and getting into debt which so many people seem to do.

I wouldn't particularly want a photo of their kids as I don't display photos and they'd just end up in the back of a drawer.

I'd send them something joint, maybe a board game or big tin of chocs, but wouldn't want to embarrass them by sending their 4 kids something individually.

LOL, what a lot of messages and I'm amazed that everyone is in agreement!!

I was deliberately vague in the OP - I am the skint person with four children!! It's just that I spoke to one of my brothers last night and he kind of "harrumphed" when I gently reminded him that no parcel would be following my letter ... but I refuse to feel guilty about it!!

I would send the DC a big present from FC with lots of kisses

well done Miaou - I was surprised by your OP as previous posts I have read from you indicated a sensible attitude to money. Glad to see everyone else agrees with you too.

LOL. I was just about to post the same thing as everyone else. Hope you get tons of nice chocs/supermarket vouchers etc from everyone, as suggested on here

You are so wise not to get drawn into the whole xmas spending thing!

Let him harrumph away. YOu have nothing to feel bad about. Your children are lucky to have a responsible mother

the only slight downside I do feel, and possibly the reasno for the harrumph, is it's a little bit late in the day to make your decision clear, maybe?

maybe our family is unusually dysfunctional in making most 'headline' arrangements for Christmas in October (who's going to be where, any overall skintness) but as certain relatives require a LOT of loin-girding to put up with, it helps to know what you're in for and be able to ring them up and 'invite' them with a well-practised smile on face.

However, I don't think it's a problem and I bet you will feel so relieved in January that you did this. Happy Christmas

lol I was just about to post the same as everyone else too

I think you're definitely doing the right thing. Letter and photo is lovely. And Christmas is about so much more than presents.

My bils gf seems to only give a present to a child if you got her daughter one the previous year or for birthday which I have always thought stinks.
If your brother thinks that you HAVE to send presents to his children regardless of your circumstances then he is giving his children the wrong lessons about money.
I would have told you that we'd already bought for the children so would be sending the gifts anyway and that we don't buy just to get something back.
One of my sisters has six children and when I was single and childless I bought those kids birthday and xmas pressies and never got so much as a box of maltesers for myself from sis as she announced that she was only buying for everyone's kids! Bit cheeky as my other sis has 3, I had none for a long time and she had 6 for us all to cough up for!! Moan over!!

Choosy, I did this last year too, when we were so broke that buying food and paying rent were almost more than we could manage . (Thanks to the fantastic soapbox and MN Santa my children actually had something to open on Christmas day!) So I set a precedent then and did say that I would be doing the same this year (and all future years!). Things are much better this year but if I had bought even token gifts for the kids in our family then I would have nothing left for presents for my own kids, not to mention stocking fillers. Yet I think my db1 thinks I should just bite the bullet and fork out (not that I could possibly buy his son anything that he would appreciate ) - and, as flibbertijibbet suggests, I think he is giving his son the wrong message about money.

I have £250 in bills to pay out at the beginning of January and I refuse to feel guilty about reining in!

Thank you for your support.

Wll done you

I'm really amazed at the extent that people talk the talk, but don't walk the walk on the whole 'christmas isn't about consuming and presents, it's about love, family etc)
(Am atheist btw)

I would never, ever be offended in this sitch and frankly I'm always embarrassed and slightly freaked out when anyone buys me a present (actually if I'm honest when they buy any other grownup a present) at Christmas.
Am nonplussed by the what are you hoping for from your DH type threads, for example. (ans: a bit of freakin' silence my darling)

It all feels really mad, and very very stressful. Christmas is for kids isn't it? Apart from that, it's just symbolic. (or spirtiually important if yr Christian)

Very poor and uncharitable of your bro to make you feel crap. If they have money, and feel their dc's will be 'hurt' they should make a point of explaining the situation to them and talking about materialism etc

Or if they can't face it, (ie have very spoilt kids who keep a tally and sulk) they should add your name to a presetn theyve already bought. And make resolution to swap said kids for nice ones in New Year.

Realize that this sounds very priggish and prissy but really! How horrid!

Hope you have a loverly Christmas, and lots of fun with your kids.

apols poor style grammar etc.

also meant to say he should def send your kids presents and insist they were already bought and paid for in June, would be such a shame to waste them la la la can't hear you etc etc

I would say it doesn't matter a jot.

I never 'expect' presents from anybody, and I would certainly hate to think of any of my friends or family struggling financially because they felt obliged to buy my family presents. Also hate the idea of people buying cheap tat as a 'token' (it's why my family scarpped the idea of presents for adults and now concentrate on getting great stuff for the kids. I was sick of getting horrible 'Charlie' type perfume gifts from my aunties and I'm sure they were equally as sick of scented draw liners and bloody toiletries sets!).

LOL onebatmother! Dh thinks I'm being a bit oversensitive and that db1 is fine about it all. Following which we both said in the same breath - tough if he isn't!

Agree about consumerism and it being for the kids btw. We have got my parents on board this year - I said "buy for the children if you want to, but don't buy for me and dh and we won't buy for you" - which they were really happy with. The dds have made them and my granny bookmarks which will give them more pleasure than any bought gift. Hope I'm not sounding too sanctimonious now!

That it doesn't realy matter.I would probably still buy for them.

(haven't read thread)
Would think they were very sensible (& probably feel a little ashamed of my miminal Christmas excess)
Wouldn't be sure how to respond - wouldn't want to look ostentatious & send big pressies, but would want to acknowledge situation & support in useful way.

PS I'm assuming (possibly wrongly) that you are the one with 4 dcs, miaou? In which case, well done you.
Now off to read thread and see if put foot in it

That sounds like a great idea. DH's family (they run to large numbers of children) have a System where no-one is allowed to spend more than £1? £1.50? on family presents, apart from parents to their children. It makes for some great imaginative gifts. I keep wanting to suggest it to my family but worry that they might get all huffy!

I think you have done the absolute right think in future years you could get your kids to make something for relatives - bulbs in decorated plant pots as a surprise gift for those that you see around christmas time.

If it were my family member I would probably still buy gifts because I would want to and the joy is in the giving. As an Aunt/grandparent that is your perogative (sp?) to indulge other people children a little!

re the OP, I wouldn't send Xmas presents as I would respect the person's intentions (it is a bit patronising to override their wishes). But I would make up for it at birthdays instead (sneaky!)

I'd think that was totally fine and utterly sensible!

I would probably want to send something for the family at least, tbh. It would depend on my relationship with them, but if a member of my family was in that situation, and I wasn't, I'd like to at least be sure that they had the Christmas essentials-nice chocolate and yarn and so forth. BUT that would be depending on my relationship with them, if I was comfortable enough with them that it wouldn't be seen as undermining anything.

I think making something is a lovely idea, though not something to stress over-IME "making stuff" can actually work out suprisingly expensive, and also stressful.

When I read your post I assumed you would be asking if you should sent something anyway for their children as you can afford it. I'm quite surprised actually. I bet they would love to get Christmas presents from the family still but feel they shouldn't as they can't afford to buy back. Christmas is about families and spending time together and making other people feel good, now would be a great time to show some real Christmas spirit.

lolol at "nice chocolate and yarn"

ChubbyScotsBurd - missed your post earlier! - yes blimmin cold here - it's not got above freezing for three days now!