Two DDs with very different present lists... WWYD?

[DuesToTheDirt]

This has been an issue all their lives. DD2 wants many things, and makes a comprehensive list of her desires. DD1 never wants anything. I mean, anything. She never asks for anything or writes a list - one year I made her write a list and it consisted of "a book (unspecified), chocolates and a nice surprise" .

They are now adults and this hasn't changed. Most years I've managed to even up the presents by finding things to buy for DD1, but while a few presents have been successful, there are many things I have bought her that she hasn't used at all. I am tired of the waste of money, and in particular this year, with concern for the planet, I really don't want to buy things for the sake of it. Meanwhile DD2 has, as usual, produced a list and DH has already bought her half of the things on it.

Anyone else have children like this? I don't want the rest of us to get presents to open and DD1 just to have an envelope of money. (Don't suggest makeup, spa days, clothes vouchers etc - she is just not interested). DH wants a shaver, I am happy with socks tbh, but might get a new sofa throw to replace our holey one, so we will have things to open as well.

What to do to make it nice for DD1?

Sounds like our family, where I am adult dd1!

On the offchance you’re my mum, I’d like some decent walking socks eg: Bridgedske or Darn Tough, a blue-based fair isle sweater from The Croft House and Bic 4 colour biros in unusual colours.

DS1 has never in his life asked for anything. He is 13yo and I had hoped that secondary school and being around other kids who were a big more in tune with teenage cool would inspire him. But no.

Ds2 on the other hand has a proper list!

I’ve got it really wrong in the past and bought things so that Ds1 would have presents to open, so that it would look vaguely comparable etc. And he just hasn’t been interested and I’ve felt a bit resentful and it’s all been a complete waste of time and money. It doesn’t help that both sets of grandparents and other family members ask me what to get him and I give my best shot at ideas and their gifts are also unused.

So this year I’ve listened to him! He has a new bike from us, and theatre tickets from one set of grandparents. If his other set of grandparents ask, I will suggest tickets to a football match.

Experiences for him to share are the way forward for us I think. And consumables - food, stationery items etc.

I’m also planning on really involving DS1 in the food prep on the day and in the run up to Christmas, helping with the shopping, we will maybe do a gingerbread house etc. Could you do the same?

Maybe put a cocktail menu together?

What about volunteering together?

I guess, as she’s an adult now you could ask her if there is anything she genuinely needs so you can give her something to open rather than just cash even if it is a bit boring- vacuum cleaner/garlic press/nice plates etc?!

Or a charity gift - buy her a goat, sponsor a snow leopard etc?!

I don't want the rest of us to get presents to open and DD1 just to have an envelope of money.(Don't suggest makeup, spa days, clothes vouchers etc - she is just not interested). DH wants a shaver, I am happy with socks tbh, but might get a new sofa throw to replace our holey one, so we will have things to open as well.

Surely the trick here is everyone else gets less? If everyone in the family is an adult, start limiting things - you could even do Secret Santa between you. That way everyone only gets one well-chosen gift.

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads

Sounds like our family, where I am adult dd1!

On the offchance you’re my mum, I’d like some decent walking socks eg: Bridgedske or Darn Tough, a blue-based fair isle sweater from The Croft House and Bic 4 colour biros in unusual colours.

I don’t understand how you’re DD1, who doesn’t want anything and can’t produce a list, but you’ve just made one here?

@riotlady, I never really want or need anything when asked, and my birthday is in late autumn anyway. If pushed, that is a standard response for people who insist i have something to unwrap on 25 Dec. What I really want is time!

Premium bonds and she can decide what to do with the money later?

Surely the trick here is everyone else gets less? If everyone in the family is an adult, start limiting things - you could even do Secret Santa between you. That way everyone only gets one well-chosen gift.
This! And does DD2 actually expect everything on her list? I used to write long lists but purely because I thought it made life easier – pick the 2-3, or whatever, that fit the budget and can be easily obtained and wrapped. Never expected the lot and that was well understood. It’s an idea list, not a list of ransom demands.

My DDs are a bit like this, though I do get a small list from DD1 with maybe 1 or 2 things on it. DD2s list can go on for days!

One of my young adult DDs is like this. We usually get theatre or gig tickets, Some other things she's appreciated have been a goretex jacket, go pro camera, doc martens, and this year she wants a merino throw for Christmas.
Other ideas - new backpack, coffee machine or velvetiser if she likes hot drinks, telescope or microscope depending on interests, digital projector, bike, gym membership, sunglasses (not very seasonal!). Night away with friend or partner?

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads

Sounds like our family, where I am adult dd1!

On the offchance you’re my mum, I’d like some decent walking socks eg: Bridgedske or Darn Tough, a blue-based fair isle sweater from The Croft House and Bic 4 colour biros in unusual colours.

Hahahahah this tickled me

I have a relative like this, a previous hit present was the Crisis Christmas donation where you pay them to feed/look after a homeless person at Christmas. It came in a nice printout thing.

If she isn’t materialistic (ie doesn’t really want things rather than just not knowing “what”), don’t try to get her up to your other daughter’s level. Practical, consumable, experiences or charitable things are all good. So eg running kit, biscuits, theatre vouchers, crisis donation.

Cash is king for adults
They can then buy what they want, when they want it. Or save it.

If you need an even number of gifts wrap up a pack of loo rolls or something useful.

Getting stuff that you dont want doesn't make it nice.
It a chore to have to return items after Christmas or donate them to the charity shop etc

Its quite unusual for adult children to give their parents a list (I think)

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads that made me smile 😊

I don’t like stuff but I do love activities. Ask your daughter if she’d like to go the theatre, or pop some cinema vouchers in a popcorn box.

My brother is getting me an ‘enchanted lights’ event for my post Christmas holiday.

What I do with my girls is go shopping with them in October and take photos of anything they like and i use that as inspiration for their gifts.

Ours are now adult but they’re similar to yours , our son generally writes a fairly comprehensive list and our daughter wants a couple of cheap items . We generally just get her a couple of surprises and leave it at that as she really hates just getting stuff for the sake of getting stuff and neither of ours are interested in getting money .

Events or cash.

Does she actually have any activities or hobbies she likes?

Over the years my mum has got me... a new hoover, new saucepans, new plates, a vax and similar items. Anything she notices is going or needs replacing, she asks if we would like an upgrade and gets it for Christmas. (Then a personal present like a lego set or jumper as well).

Cash, cashmere socks, silk pillowcase, books, hotel chocolat chocolates/drinking chocolate/velvertiser, mug and perfume.

I am DD1 and my sister is DD2. Fluffy socks are fine. Presents make me a bit uncomfortable. I like to buy my own stuff and get exactly what I want. Money used to be fine but I don’t really need anymore of that either anymore. I’m happy with chocolate, wine and fluffy socks so everyone else feels better that I have something to open. I’ve never resented my sister and I happily buy for her from the long list!

Start passing on / recycling family heirlooms?
I was delighted to receive an annotated photo album of previous generations of family, and a picture of my dad's I'd always liked.

Yes my adult DS and DiL. They don't want money they want a surprise so I run myself ragged on my days off from the NHS looking for gifts. DiL is easy to buy for. DS not so much.

@Ariela

Start passing on / recycling family heirlooms? I was delighted to receive an annotated photo album of previous generations of family, and a picture of my dad's I'd always liked.

Hmmm

The 1910 bottle of port was a classic
Moved from my Dads under the stairs to mine.

Passing the liability

An adult getting everything - or even half - on their lists seems over the top. Seems you're blaming your adult daughter for not wanting "stuff" like her sister.

Worry about the planet should equal wanting to buy less stuff for the sake of it.

I feel your pain as I have a DD like this too & feel exactly the same about the waste like the fucking tv projector thing that's never lef its box

Im giving up this year as I've no idea, no list yet & I've asked & asked & so bar making her a favourite toiletry & eats hampers, I intend to give in & just give her money, but I'm wrapping notes in separate box's so she still has surprise parcels