Two DDs with very different present lists... WWYD?

[DuesToTheDirt]

This has been an issue all their lives. DD2 wants many things, and makes a comprehensive list of her desires. DD1 never wants anything. I mean, anything. She never asks for anything or writes a list - one year I made her write a list and it consisted of "a book (unspecified), chocolates and a nice surprise" .

They are now adults and this hasn't changed. Most years I've managed to even up the presents by finding things to buy for DD1, but while a few presents have been successful, there are many things I have bought her that she hasn't used at all. I am tired of the waste of money, and in particular this year, with concern for the planet, I really don't want to buy things for the sake of it. Meanwhile DD2 has, as usual, produced a list and DH has already bought her half of the things on it.

Anyone else have children like this? I don't want the rest of us to get presents to open and DD1 just to have an envelope of money. (Don't suggest makeup, spa days, clothes vouchers etc - she is just not interested). DH wants a shaver, I am happy with socks tbh, but might get a new sofa throw to replace our holey one, so we will have things to open as well.

What to do to make it nice for DD1?

I never want anything - drives my DH crazy- especially as my birthday is 3 weeks before Christmas 🙄
DH always has a list.
Youngest DD is a mini me so I understand why DH is tearing his hair out each December.
I have no suggestions - sorry - although I did get vineyard tour with afternoon tea 2 years ago, that I really enjoyed.

You don't have to get DD the things she demands you know?

My kids don't ask for things really (maybe occasionally they mention liking or wanting something in passing but not a 'here's a list of what to get me') and if they did produce comprehensive lists they wouldn't get the things on them (maybe 1 or 2 but certainly not a whole list worth) and honestly I would struggle with the fact they were rude enough to expect to get a list worth of dictated gifts.

It's a DD2 entitlement issue you have rather than a DD1 being hard to buy for the issue - careful not to make out like DD1 is the hard or troublesome one because she's humble and unentitled those are the qualities you should be proud of.

I like it when people spend the time and effort producing a list and I can treat them to something they’ll enjoy. I don’t particularly care what’s on the list whether it’s vouchers, charity donation, experiences etc. I don’t see your dd1 as being any more ‘humble’ or virtuous personally or that everyone else should avoid presents because she doesn’t want to do a list. When someone asks me I always manage to come up with something… asking for a surprise is fine if you genuinely aren’t fussy. You’re likely to get something very generic or cause the gift giver a lot of stress!

Sounds like our three. The youngest never wants anything whereas the other two, particularly the middle one, wants everything!

You say all adults now, how old are your DD’s @DuesToTheDirt?

If both are in a position to buy what they need I would go for one big treat (be that a designer bag or money) each under the tree and a stocking.

Oh, I think that list is absolutely adorable 😍 a book and some chocolate and a nice surprise 🥺 how cute!! Now she’s a bit older maybe some nice knitwear, lush bath stuff, books if she’s still into it or a Waterstones gift card? I’ve asked for a heated neck and back massager and the nice face cream from kiehls that I use from my dad. Not fancy but I will get way more use out of them.

Haha this could be me and my sister. Although as kids it was the other way around.

As adults my sister has a list a mile long of things she wants and I have no idea. Mum tends to buy me a ton of shite smellies that I can't use and then gets upset when I don't look over the moon to receive them. When I do say what I want I don't get it and she goes for Southsea has seen which is like what I asked for but totally different and nothing like what I wanted.

As a result I am still awaiting a 40th birthday gift and last years Christmas gift.

This year she offered to renew an annual pass for a thing dd likes so I accepted her offer to buy dd's pass but she has paid for mine as well which is lovely.

My dc never ask for anything other than surprises because apparently I’m great at choosing things… fine, but a hint would be good!!!

I’ve never had a dc who demands xboxes/bikes etc

Perhaps bung your dd1 some cash to make up the balance?

Get the materialistic Daughter less. It’s a bit ridiculous that adult children would still write a list of multiple things.

Thanks for all the replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone! Some comments on present suggestions - I'm not trying to be difficult here and I know people are trying to help

• vouchers, she probably would leave in a drawer till they expired
• house stuff or food not suitable just now as she lives with us, until her office goes back in post-covid, whenever that may be (chocs etc. are fine though)
• charity donations fine, have done that before but it's nice to have things for herself as well
• jumpers etc., I bought her a lovely Christmassy jumper one year which she wore once and I haven't seen since, even on occasions where Christmas jumper-wearing is requested
• experiences, a good idea but she has no friends (another thing she seems not to want...) so cinema or theatre on her own might not be great, or she could go with us but that seems like a present for us
• she does have a hobby but doesn't currently need things for it
• she already has a kindle
• someone suggested making cocktails, that's a good shout

I totally get that she doesn't want Stuff and that's fine. Going forward I think cutting down on presents is the way to go, it's just that this year DD2 got her list in early and DH bought some before we'd discussed it (she mostly wanted tech and he loves buying tech). He likes buying presents but tends not to think about the overall present distribution, and I'm the one that ends up trying to even things up in terms of things to open.

Maybe, since DD2 is a bit younger (they are 23 and 21), we could say that DD2 can get more Stuff this year and from next year we will cut down for both in favour of cash.

I never wanted anything. My mum would try and get me things but they were clothes I would ever wear and I would feel sick with the guilt of knowing money had been wasted and distraught when I thought about how sad Mum would be to have got the wrong thing so I worked really hard at seeming grateful.

Truth was I genuinely didn't want anything and as I've got older that's moved not wanting anything to actively wanting nothing. I wouldn't be in the least bothered by a sibling getting 30 presents and me none. Sounds like your DD wouldn't be either so it doesn't seem like an issue.

We've bought my eldest a switch lite and we have no idea what to get the youngest, he hasn't long had a birthday. His Christmas list consisted of jelly and bits and bobs so he's no help either

What about really nice versions of things she would use regardless? For example, if I’m shopping for shampoo for myself I wouldn’t dream of spending a lot of money (very much a “whatever is on offer in Boots” kinda gal) but really appreciate a posh bottle at Christmas. So basically something you’d (or she’d) never dream of buying yourself, even if it’s a bit mundane. Same vein as PP’s suggestion of cashmere socks etc.

This year I’ve asked for a Papier recipe journal - feels like a ridiculous amount of money for basically a diary, but I would never buy it for myself so I’ll really appreciate getting it for Christmas (no I’m not demanding enough to assume I’ll get everything off my list, a family member accidentally told me )

Feels a bit harsh of people suggesting DD2 is an issue because she writes a list!

Feels a bit harsh of people suggesting DD2 is an issue because she writes a list!

Yeah, nothing wrong with a list. Surprises are all very well but it's nice to get people things they actually want.

His Christmas list consisted of jelly and bits and bobs

Helpful lol.

Yeah, maybe DD1 doesn't actually care about a disparity in things to open.

This is my ds’s, eldest never wants anything, youngest has the longest list you’ve ever seen. It’s worse as eldest also has a birthday in the week before Christmas so have to think of enough for a birthday and Christmas while still making both their Christmas’s the same 🤯

This year we’ve redone eldest’s bedroom with new desk / gaming chair for birthday, he’s also getting some games and software for his PC (last years Bday present), getting him ski stuff for Christmas as he’s going on the school ski trip in February.

I can only suggest practical things like that, he was never into toys when he was younger but liked vouchers for cinema or days out, he always liked computers and gaming and redecorating his bedroom.

Same her except mine are 14 and 12. To be fair to DD 12 she hasn’t written a big list and it’s very sensible but DD14 can’t think of anything. She hasn’t got tons either we aren’t that well off that she has every gadget going she just never has asked for much.
I still feel money wise it needs to be fair so would make sure whatever you do it’s even. I still get my DD14 lots of general bits to open books, toiletries and a soft toy maybe some art supplies.
What about a cinema card loaded with visits or like people have suggested some sort of experience or show tickets or even a hotel night in a city she wants to visit?
I love it when they put random things on the list my DD12 wants a book on mushrooms and a wildflower poster I’m trying to decide if she is becoming a witch or planning a future in foraging.