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Christmas

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Original poster

Why do people want to spend Christmas with people who don’t want to spend Christmas with them?

59 replies

Pitavina · 28/11/2021 22:45

This seems to be a common theme, seems to be mainly with in laws. I always spend Christmas with my parents and sometimes my siblings come which is great and other times they go to their in laws or decide not to travel and spend it at home which is also absolutely fine. Last year we spent it at home because my parents were worried about covid so didn’t want to spend it with us, also absolutely fine. My parents are really easy going, it’s open house if we want to go but absolutely fine if we were to go somewhere else.

This year my PILs are in the U.K. for the first time but have visitors from overseas for Christmas. dH is really worried their plans will fall through because of covid and travel restrictions and they will ask us to cancel our plans and spend Christmas with them (which none of us want to do). I think he might be right but I don’t understand why anyone would want someone to cancel what they want to do for Christmas to spend it with them. I would rather spend Christmas alone than feel like the people I was with would rather be somewhere else, particularly children, Christmas for me is all about the kids.

This has never happened to us before because PiL always chose to spend it overseas. But it’s common among my friends that they offend whichever family they don’t spend it with and they family get grumpy about it.

OP posts:

LastStarFighter · 29/11/2021 00:01

Perhaps your PIL assume you would like to spend Christmas with them, and assume that their plans with their overseas visitors are keeping you from them.

Original poster

Pitavina · 29/11/2021 08:59

No, it’s clear our first choice is to spend the day with my parents and the kids are excited to see all their cousins. The PIL definitely know that.

OP posts:

DahliaBlue · 29/11/2021 09:08

Since you have already made arrangements,I think it is fine to stick to your plans. However if PIL were regularly alone at Christmas it would seem a bit unfair not to share your time between the two sets of parents. I see that this is not quite the case you describe though.

RunRunGingerbreadMan · 29/11/2021 09:08

I don't think you should have to change your plans last minute, but it does seem unfair that they never get to spend Christmas with their son and grandchildren. I would be devastated if I was in their shoes, hopefully when dd is grown up we will at least sometimes be together on Christmas day.

LastStarFighter · 29/11/2021 10:20

@Pitavina

No, it’s clear our first choice is to spend the day with my parents and the kids are excited to see all their cousins. The PIL definitely know that.

Well, I guess at least they know where they stand

drpet49 · 29/11/2021 10:38

* I don't think you should have to change your plans last minute, but it does seem unfair that they never get to spend Christmas with their son and grandchildren.*

^I agree. I feel sorry for the PIL

Silversun83 · 29/11/2021 10:57

Agree with everyone else. Unless there's a massive backstory of abuse, then it seems unfair to never spend Christmas with the in-laws. Does your DH not mind?

Other way around here in that PILs would prefer to spend Christmas with DH's brother and the golden grandchildren. I remember one year they came to ours on Boxing Day, I think they begrudgingly spent around two hours here max.

OrangeSnorkel · 29/11/2021 11:28

Your DH can probably recognise that while you have the usual arrangement with your parents or alone, your PILs probably would enjoy being with you.

It sounds like they usually go overseas and are relaxed about Christmas (just in a different way to your family being relaxed about who is where), so I don't think it is fair to now blame them for ruining your Christmas by wanting to spend it with you should the situation be right. It sounds like they are quite respectful that you usually spend it with your family and don't make any fuss. I don't know many in laws who would be that relaxed.

Is there history that means it would be really awful if you do end up having christmas together?

Figgygal · 29/11/2021 11:47

Doesnt your dh ever want to spend xmas with his side of the family then?

Globaluser · 29/11/2021 11:48

Perhaps OP posted this to get a reaction from people?

Unless they’re not, then you are most definitely being unreasonable!!!

5thnonblonde · 29/11/2021 12:12

If your parents are so chill why don’t they invite them?

LoveComesQuickly · 29/11/2021 12:16

Blimey OP. It's ok to prefer spending Christmas with your parents rather than your in laws, but it's kind to not make it quite so obvious!

DockOTheBay · 29/11/2021 13:15

It seems a bit mean to make it very clear to your ILs that you don't like them. Presumably they love you all (or at least your DH and kids) and want to see you at Christmas. I understand you don't want to cancel plans and its unreasonable of them to ask you to do so, could you compromise and see them on boxing day or any other time over the holidays?

I would rather spend Christmas with my parents every year but we alternate with my ILs because they're our family too. Its not the same but we have a nice time and it's fair for them to spend time with our kids too

TeenyQueen · 29/11/2021 13:19

I'm going against the grain here, but I don't think anyone should have to spend Christmas with people they don't enjoy spending time with. Christmas is a time to relax and enjoy your time off work. Of course it's nice to see relatives but this can happen in the days after Christmas too. My MIL doesn't celebrate Christmas, when DH was little his mum didn't actually spend Christmas with her children but would rather go to work that day (in a restaurant), so it was up to DH to arrange Christmas for his younger siblings when he was still a child himself. MIL would also not get her own children Christmas presents although she'd by presents for relatives.

Am I ever going force my DC (who never get birthday or Christmas presents from her, not even cards) to spend an awkward Christmas with their grandmother, no way!

Sn0tnose · 29/11/2021 13:29

@drpet49

* I don't think you should have to change your plans last minute, but it does seem unfair that they never get to spend Christmas with their son and grandchildren.*

^I agree. I feel sorry for the PIL

Why do you feel sorry for them? The OP has said that they always choose to spend Christmas abroad and that this is the first year they’re choosing to spend it in the UK. They haven’t asked to spend this year with their DS or their grandchildren. They’ve invited guests from Germany so they can spend it with them instead. Why would OP want to spend Christmas with them when they never want to spend Christmas with OP and her family?

Hotchocolateandcake · 29/11/2021 13:34

Is there a back story here?

I'm all for doing whatever you want at Christmas, but it seems spiteful to consistently choose one set of parents over the other.

Original poster

Pitavina · 29/11/2021 13:54

The back story is that pils are difficult people and dh finds them very hard work. They chose to spend Christmas overseas every year but if they get stuck here this year and their visitors don’t come they will expect us to ditch our existing plans and have them to stay (they live on the opposite end of the country to us so it would be the whole weekend). I just think it’s odd that people they would expect that. Dh is going to say no because he (and I) think Christmas is for children primarily so we want to prioritise our kids.

OP posts:

WouldBeGood · 29/11/2021 13:54

Could they not just join in with you guys and your parents if their plans fall through?

PegasusReturns · 29/11/2021 14:00

I don’t think anyone is suggesting you ditch existing plans but surely you’d try and incorporate pils into them?

RunRunGingerbreadMan · 29/11/2021 14:14

@WouldBeGood That's a good idea, do the kind thing and invite them to come for part of the day. Not sure why being with different grandparents would make the day any less about the children?!

HardbackWriter · 29/11/2021 14:19

So you want to be able to say 'yeah, we won't see you at Christmas because we all like my family more and spending time with you would be shit for us and the kids' and for your PIL to respond 'oh, fair point, we are terrible and would ruin your day, should have thought of that'? Do you really think that's realistic?

Spend Christmas with whoever you want, that's completely in your control. How other people feel about it isn't.

Sally872 · 29/11/2021 14:22

It's odd that the think you would cancel other arrangements to see them but not odd to think you might come at some point.

Also it hasn't happened yet so stop worrying about it. If you are asking generally then most people take turns as it is fair, they would love to see all their family on Christmas day but everyone has inlaws so alternate years doesn't normally mean they would rather be somewhere else. Even if one side of the family is more fun than the other it isn't usually shared with the boring side.

Stiffcondomhat · 29/11/2021 14:31

My parents are really easy going, it’s open house

Potential problem solved. In laws book hotel and join you at your parents house on Christmas day.

AndMatt · 29/11/2021 14:34

@Pitavina

No, it’s clear our first choice is to spend the day with my parents and the kids are excited to see all their cousins. The PIL definitely know that.

And how will you react if your DC make that same position clear to you? I can't believe you can't understand a little bit that they might want to believe you'd (or at least their son) might like to see them.

5thnonblonde · 29/11/2021 14:35

@HardbackWriter OP’s DH should make the call so it’s more ‘Hi mum, yeah we don’t really get on do we and I prefer Pita’s cool mum’s house way more than spending the day with you two fun sponges- so do the kids’

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