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Original poster

Why do people want to spend Christmas with people who don’t want to spend Christmas with them?

59 replies

Pitavina · 28/11/2021 22:45

This seems to be a common theme, seems to be mainly with in laws. I always spend Christmas with my parents and sometimes my siblings come which is great and other times they go to their in laws or decide not to travel and spend it at home which is also absolutely fine. Last year we spent it at home because my parents were worried about covid so didn’t want to spend it with us, also absolutely fine. My parents are really easy going, it’s open house if we want to go but absolutely fine if we were to go somewhere else.

This year my PILs are in the U.K. for the first time but have visitors from overseas for Christmas. dH is really worried their plans will fall through because of covid and travel restrictions and they will ask us to cancel our plans and spend Christmas with them (which none of us want to do). I think he might be right but I don’t understand why anyone would want someone to cancel what they want to do for Christmas to spend it with them. I would rather spend Christmas alone than feel like the people I was with would rather be somewhere else, particularly children, Christmas for me is all about the kids.

This has never happened to us before because PiL always chose to spend it overseas. But it’s common among my friends that they offend whichever family they don’t spend it with and they family get grumpy about it.

OP posts:
HardbackWriter · 29/11/2021 14:47
Grin

I think it's an approach we should all take in interpersonal relationships:

'What's that, Lisa? Do I want to eat lunch with you? Probably not, you're very dull and I much prefer Kate'
'Sure, son, I'm free next Friday. To meet your brother, though, not you. I really like seeing him whereas I've found you a bit of a pain ever since you were born, really'
'Would I like to come to your wedding? Nah, it's going to be shit and also I don't see you and Dave lasting'

I'm sure all these people will be grateful for the honesty and will recognise that the fault is theirs for inviting people to things when they should clearly have recognized that those people would naturally prefer to spend the time with other, better people. Hopefully they'll find it in them to have the decency to apologise for being so presumptuous as to imagine anyone might want to see them.

LondonWolf · 29/11/2021 14:48

Your thread title actually made me snort 😁. It’s just so true. I’ve been married a couple of times and I am thinking of all the tears and tantrums and competitiveness from the various parents and in laws over the years.

XiCi · 29/11/2021 14:53

Its hardly surprising that they would want to spend time with their son and grandchildren is it. And surely they would just go to your parents 'open house' with you if they stayed? Christ, some people are mean bastards

Jennalong · 29/11/2021 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jennalong · 29/11/2021 15:10

Apologies wrong thread . I've reported myself.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 15:19

@drpet49

* I don't think you should have to change your plans last minute, but it does seem unfair that they never get to spend Christmas with their son and grandchildren.*

^I agree. I feel sorry for the PIL

The PIL CHOOSE to spend Christmas overseas , just because they're CHOOSING not to this year, (AND have invited friends but not the OP & family to spend it with them), doesn't mean the OP & family should drop her family to do what the PIL want to go. Even her DH doesn't want to!!
NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 29/11/2021 15:21

@XiCi

Its hardly surprising that they would want to spend time with their son and grandchildren is it. And surely they would just go to your parents 'open house' with you if they stayed? Christ, some people are mean bastards
They've chosen not to go overseas as usual, but instead of asking the OP, DH & kids to spend it with them, they've invited friends. But if the friends can't make it, they'll probably ask the OP,,DH & kids to change their plans...

It's hardly 'poor PIL's'

mybroomstick · 29/11/2021 15:21

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

You're basically their plan B. They had already made plans to be elsewhere.

I don't think you should have to change your plans because their first choice fell through.

XiCi · 29/11/2021 16:02

They've chosen not to go overseas as usual, but instead of asking the OP, DH & kids to spend it with them, they've invited friends. But if the friends can't make it, they'll probably ask the OP,,DH & kids to change their plans...

It's hardly 'poor PIL's'

I imagine one of the reasons they go overseas every year is that they know they're not welcome. The OP made it very clear that they were aware they wanted to be with her parents at Xmas. Besides which it is pure projection that they will ask the OP to change her plans. They have done nothing of the sort so far. Just a lot of pointless drama that they might do

grapewine · 29/11/2021 16:08

Just hope your kids don't grow up feeling this way about you.

If your husband really feels similar to you about his parents, then he should make the call to let them know where they stand.

southlondoner02 · 29/11/2021 16:15

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time OP. Your PIL have never chosen to have Christmas with you, and you're essentially 3rd choice after overseas and their friends. Why would you be happy about them assuming they can come to you?

That said, for the sake of family harmony I would let them come and if your parents are as laid back as you say asked them if PIL can come too if you're going there

JimCarreysMask · 29/11/2021 16:26

You don’t have to change plans and not should you. But also, they haven’t even asked you and you sound very cold.

Cam2020 · 29/11/2021 17:06

I think people are bringing their own gripes or worries to this discussion! The in laws aren't bothered about spending Christmas with OP and family but they expect them to be their fallback plan!

Op has already said it's not just her parents it's the kids cousins they spend the day with.

XiCi · 29/11/2021 17:11

@JimCarreysMask

You don’t have to change plans and not should you. But also, they haven’t even asked you and you sound very cold.
I think this sums it up perfectly
noscoobydoodle · 29/11/2021 17:12

We are often a fallback plan for my MiL (and sometimes my brother) at Christmas. My SiL says she is coming to visit MiL and us every year for Xmas and has actually only made 1 year (out of 15 years- hence us being the fallback!) We make clear they are genuinely welcome to come but we won't be changing plans so they have to fit in. We usually host Christmas day for this reason (so we can host everyone from both sides of the family and any last minute stragglers!) But my MiL did once come to my parents with us and that was fine too. Ok it's not great to be the fallback, and I had a few years of being annoyed about it, but in the words of Elsa, I have let it go and just get on with enjoying Christmas!

DSGR · 29/11/2021 17:59

Gosh you sound nice!

SockFluffInTheBath · 29/11/2021 18:16

@mybroomstick

I don't think you're being unreasonable.

You're basically their plan B. They had already made plans to be elsewhere.

I don't think you should have to change your plans because their first choice fell through.

Agree with this. You’re only a safety net, why should you change your plans?
Original poster
Pitavina · 29/11/2021 19:20

The current plan is to have them up the weekend before Christmas and for them to spend actual Christmas with their potential visitors. The reason they normally spend Christmas overseas is nothing to do with us, it’s because they prefer to spend all of the winter months outside of the U.K. and just come back for the core summer months which is fair enough. Covid had prevented that recently obviously.

My mum has said that if it is going to cause a problem we can duck out of my family Christmas or bring them along, whichever we prefer. They won’t want to join my family, I already know that. They also don’t like hotels so they would want to stay with us which means I’d have extra people in the house, they’d have to sleep in the living room (we don’t have a guest bedroom) and it would all be a squash so id really rather not.

I guess I just think it’s ridiculous that we would be expected to cancel our plan A to be their plan C! Clearly some people really disagree and thing I’m a horrible person for not dropping my own family in favour of PILs even though neither me, dH nor any of our kids want to do that!

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 29/11/2021 19:23

Oh if you’re seeing them the weekend before then no, I wouldn’t change anything.

Ozanj · 29/11/2021 19:27

Lol it seems your Mum does all the leg work so you get to chill on christmas and you can’t believe you might need to do some actual work for a change. My sil is like you - loved spending time with her family every xmas but then stopped abruptly when her parents became too ill too host. Then all of a sudden she wanted to be involved in our christmas plans.

LastStarFighter · 29/11/2021 20:02

…and thing I’m a horrible person for not dropping my own family in favour of PILs even though neither me, dH nor any of our kids want to do that!

No, you’re projecting. I just think it’s unpleasant to be so cold as to tell them that you really don’t want to see them at Christmas, and that even the kids would much rather see their other grandparents.

WouldBeGood · 29/11/2021 20:07

@Pitavina I think you’re getting a hard time. Makes perfect sense to me, and you’re not refusing to see them.

HardbackWriter · 29/11/2021 20:11

But you didn't ask whether you should change your plans - you'd have got very different, and much more supportive answers if you had. You asked why your PIL would even imagine you might want to see them given that you've already made it clear that you all prefer your family. That's what made you sound horrible.

Naughtynovembertree · 29/11/2021 20:23

Op it's so difficult to judge and comment on isn't it!!

I guess it's about what your dh wants and he doesn't seem to want to spend it with them so....

Naughtynovembertree · 29/11/2021 20:27

Op they need to be flexible and fit in. It's not for them to dictate at the moment.
You've invited them to your parents, they turned you down.
End of.

Forget them.
It's not like they have endlessly hosted you and are stuck this year and your dropping them.