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Original poster

SIL and FC expectations

62 replies

MsJuniper · 20/11/2021 13:05

We are staying with PIL this Christmas with our DC aged 8 & 3. SIL has now decided to come too with her DC aged 10 & 7. We all get on pretty well although there can be tensions at times.

My family have always gone all out for Christmas whereas DH's family are quite low-key. DH and I tend to meet in the middle but still do more in terms of decs, food, presents etc than his family. Our DC have a Santa sack which usually has about 10 items around £1-£15. I love shopping for them, finding bargains (thanks Reastie et al) and have got lots ready already.

The last time we were all together at Christmas was about 4 years ago and the children were relatively young. SIL had bought two presents for her DC1 and one for her DC2 for their stockings. We toned down our stocking for DS and I bought a couple of stocking fillers for both families so it kind of evened things out. Still, SIL's DC1 did notice that my DS got more.

This year, it may be the last time my DS believes and it will be harder to tone down the presents without him noticing. I'm not sure if SIL's DC1 believes but she will definitely notice discrepancies. The children will be sharing a room too.

DH is going to message SIL to see what her plan is and he has suggested that we could tell the children that FC is leaving some presents at our house for when we get back on the 28th but I am worried that it will end up with my DC being disappointed or working out the truth at the wrong moment.

I feel like I am going to be railroaded into something I don't want but obviously I don't want my DNs to have their Christmas upset either. How would you handle it?

TLDR: two families staying together have different Santa expectations. How to handle without disappointing either set of children?

OP posts:
TheNarwhalBalloon · 20/11/2021 13:37

Wow, that is a tricky one. I can't think of a solution tbh. I don't think you should have to alter your usual traditions, but if SIL feels strongly about her kids having only one or two things then it's inevitable there is going to be questions and upset. It sounds rather incompatible for you to be staying together on Christmas morning, in my mind.

Rosa · 20/11/2021 13:40

Can you not offer to do stockings for them ?

Djifunrsn · 20/11/2021 13:42

How far are PILs away. Could you do stocking at home Christmas morn (v early?) and then drive to them?

2319inprogress · 20/11/2021 13:43

Could the kids go to their respective parents' rooms to open stockings? Chat about items/showing off some bits later in the day wont be as obvious as if they were directly comparing.

Also surely her kids are old enough to have noticed all families do Christmas a bit differently?

NuffSaidSam · 20/11/2021 13:46

Going to parents rooms is a good idea.

It's a tricky one.

Change123today · 20/11/2021 13:50

We as a family all open the stocking together - sweets/ small stuff & grandparents/family gifts etc but we go to different rooms for Santa gifts - it’s worked for years especially as the age difference means the teenagers are done in 5 min and we not all sat staring at the younger ones.

actiongirl1978 · 20/11/2021 14:00

Wow. I wouldn't be going. Sorry but your children come first.

LovePoppy · 20/11/2021 14:03

@actiongirl1978

Wow. I wouldn't be going. Sorry but your children come first.
I feel the same.

But I also don’t travel on Christmas

givethatbabyaname · 20/11/2021 14:07

You seem to be prioritising gift giving/receiving/FC believing, over the joy of being in a big family on Christmas morning.

Why don’t you do a single “blind” Christmas “stocking”: put a bunch of things, whatever you’d spend per child normally, all wrapped up in shapes and sizes that don’t give the game away, in a pile on a Christmasy tablecloth at breakfast time. Do it on the floor or coffee table. Each kid takes a turn picking something out. Doesn’t matter if it’s age appropriate or not, they’ll swap anyway and it’ll be part of the fun - something they do together. It’ll be fun taking turns picking one out, guessing what it is, watching it being unwrapped, cooing over what it is etc. Just ask SIL to contribute her items or £ for you to buy them with. It’s only fair that you do the legwork, as you’re the one who cares about it.

Anything you specifically want your child to have, make it a Christmas gift that you’ve left at home for your D.C. to find when they return.

I personally despair that Christmas is often about the present for kids (that includes one of my own). Our family is rarely together at the same time, Christmas is a time we’re all happy to be together, swapping news and jokes and troubles and joys and info. There’s food and drink and laughter and real contentment, especially for the children. It won’t always be this way, but for now it is.

givethatbabyaname · 20/11/2021 14:08

Wow. I wouldn't be going. Sorry but your children come first.

Oh Lord Sad. That’s so depressing.

Tulips21 · 20/11/2021 14:08

I would'nt be toning down my DC xmas gifts.
If SIL Dc get less thats ok and not your problem tbh.
I don't travel at xmas though but If I did, I really would'nt change my own families tradition where they get a stocking full of gifts.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 20/11/2021 14:11

Santa has always left presents at our home when we are away for Christmas... started when we moved abroad as we couldn't bring everything on the plan. Even as toddlers they understood (and thought santa was clever!)

BoundaryOhBoundary · 20/11/2021 14:14

I wouldn't be going.

@givethatbabyaname that "blind" stocking seems like a great idea in theory, in practise I can see fall out on I want that toy, why won't they swap it? I don't want this I want that. Someone is going to feel hard done by.

We put far more emphasis on a birthday in this house rather than Christmas and presents but I would not be scaling back what I do to appease someone else. The belief doesn't last too long and I would want to do Christmas the way we always have. I say this as a parent of mid-late teenagers.

SummerInSun · 20/11/2021 14:24

Is the discrepancy only with the stockings, or with the main presents? And is the difference between you and SIL down to her having a firm view that kids shouldn't her too much, or financial issues, or just that's the way it was done for her when she was growing up?

If this is mainly about stockings, the two obvious solutions seem to be either that you offer to do stockings for all the kids or, as PP suggested, your DC open their stockings in your room first thing in the morning away from everyone else.

If it's about the "main" gifts, I'm reluctantly inclined to agree with your DH that you may need to either leave those to be opened later at home (might be more enjoyed if there is a time gap so the kids aren't overwhelmed anyway) or else try for more secret opening in your room.

Chloemol · 20/11/2021 14:31

I would stay at home, do presents there. Can you then travel to pil

Otherwise i would decline , stay at home and enjoy the last Christmas you ds may believe in FC

Jumpingintochristmas · 20/11/2021 14:34

I would agree to a similar number of tree presents to open together but insist on stockings being opened privately in bed with parents.

WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 20/11/2021 14:35

I don’t think opening the gifts in different rooms is really going to make any difference, I mean surely the DC will want to use/play with their things and at the very least will talk to each other about what they got from Santa?

It’s really awkward because on one hand you don’t want the DNs to feel bad but on the other, your own DC (at least the eldest) will notice and likely find it odd if they get fewer gifts than has been the norm in your household.

I think your DH suggestion that Santa will be leaving some of their gifts in their own house might be the best option though I would tell the 8 year old in advance to avoid any confusion or upset on the day.

EveningOverRooftops · 20/11/2021 14:45

Oh this is easy. Don’t take all the gifts.

Either you or DH loads kids into the car. Who ever isn’t loading the kids in the car deposit a chunk of your gifts under the tree with a note from Santa and his elves that they didn’t know what to do so left presents at home and grandparents house as there were just too many people and all their gifts didn’t fit under the tree.

Angel2702 · 20/11/2021 15:04

That’s a true my one, we have always only ever had stockings from FC and presents in sack under tree from us. Could you do FC presents separately before going downstairs to open other gifts together? We always open Stockings in our bed all together. So would still do this if we were with other family so the kids wouldn’t notice that they had different gifts from FC.

Original poster
MsJuniper · 20/11/2021 15:09

Thanks for your answers. DH hasn't been able to spend much time with his family since Covid so it is really important to him & all of us to do that. SIL is flying from abroad and it will be a big reunion for them. Family is definitely more important than presents!

However when you've done things a certain way, coupled with the "magic" element, it's tricky to change expectations. I've always kept the concept of FC simple - no explanations, just "I have no idea!" to any logistical questions about time zones and chimneys.

Individual presents are not an issue - it's just the approach to Santa presents. We're all in similar financial situations so it's not anything like that, she's just done it differently which is fine. Apart from that one year, neither family has spent Christmas morning around other children before.

I think you're all right that there is no real solution. I think leaving stockings in parental rooms and DC coming to us to open gifts is our best bet although as you say they will want to show their cousins. Maybe SIL will be open to me bringing some stocking gifts for her children too, e.g. mine always get an annual and some craft bits in their stocking so I could offer to get equivalent for them, and I usually get some awful "blind bag" type item that the children know I disapprove of and would never buy 😉

OP posts:
Original poster
MsJuniper · 20/11/2021 15:12

The "leaving presents at home" solution is definitely the best alternative. We would have to tell the children in advance though!

OP posts:
PineappleIceCream · 20/11/2021 15:15

Could you bring the same amount of presents to roughly match what SIL will do but also have presents left at home and just explain to the kids that Father Christmas couldn’t bring them all so has left bits for them when they get home?

DriftingBlue · 20/11/2021 15:21

This right here is why I have never compromised on Christmas morning at home. Mixing households just doesn’t work.

How far away are they. Could you do the morning at home and then head to the PILs for an extended stay?

Lou98 · 20/11/2021 15:21

Do you do Elf on the Shelf for your kids? If so, the elf could bring a note saying as there will be so many people there on Christmas morning Santa will be leaving some presents under their tree at home for them to open when they're back.

Solves the problem of having to tell them in advance

Lasair · 20/11/2021 15:45

Do you not give some gifts from you? If do a small Santa stocking and the rest of the gifts from mum and dad