SIL and FC expectations

[MsJuniper]

We are staying with PIL this Christmas with our DC aged 8 & 3. SIL has now decided to come too with her DC aged 10 & 7. We all get on pretty well although there can be tensions at times.

My family have always gone all out for Christmas whereas DH's family are quite low-key. DH and I tend to meet in the middle but still do more in terms of decs, food, presents etc than his family. Our DC have a Santa sack which usually has about 10 items around £1-£15. I love shopping for them, finding bargains (thanks Reastie et al) and have got lots ready already.

The last time we were all together at Christmas was about 4 years ago and the children were relatively young. SIL had bought two presents for her DC1 and one for her DC2 for their stockings. We toned down our stocking for DS and I bought a couple of stocking fillers for both families so it kind of evened things out. Still, SIL's DC1 did notice that my DS got more.

This year, it may be the last time my DS believes and it will be harder to tone down the presents without him noticing. I'm not sure if SIL's DC1 believes but she will definitely notice discrepancies. The children will be sharing a room too.

DH is going to message SIL to see what her plan is and he has suggested that we could tell the children that FC is leaving some presents at our house for when we get back on the 28th but I am worried that it will end up with my DC being disappointed or working out the truth at the wrong moment.

I feel like I am going to be railroaded into something I don't want but obviously I don't want my DNs to have their Christmas upset either. How would you handle it?

TLDR: two families staying together have different Santa expectations. How to handle without disappointing either set of children?

Can you just call your SIL and agree on an approach? She’ll presumably have the same concerns as you, just the other way round.

Very surprised that there are people who wouldn’t go because of this.

I agree with your OH. Leave some presents at home. The children won’t mind, will they?

I think talking in advance is a good idea.

I think most dc probably would mind getting noticeably less at christmas than they are used to getting.

@JumperandJacket

Can you just call your SIL and agree on an approach? She’ll presumably have the same concerns as you, just the other way round.

Very surprised that there are people who wouldn’t go because of this.

Imagining how this convo would go...

'So, you know how you hardly get your kids presents, yeah?...'

😂

@MsJuniper

The "leaving presents at home" solution is definitely the best alternative. We would have to tell the children in advance though!

When your children are writing their Santa letters, can’t you encourage (tell) them to ask that he deliver the big presents to PIL house and the sack of smaller gifts to your own home to open for when they get back?

I would be at home Xmas morning, get up early, kids open gifts from stockings then drive over to in-laws and take really nice gift for children of sil.

I wouldn't go. It would ruin it for you and the children.

You could do what they do in Germany and open presents on Christmas Eve before you go to their house for Christmas? Or spend more money on less presents. Just suck it up for one year. Match how many gifts she is bringing and have extra when you get home. This is all way too complicated to be honest. Christmas is about being together as a family not how many gifts Santa brings you

I wouldn't go. It would ruin it for you and the children.

I hope you are being sarcastic. If not what a depressing attitude.

My parents mum still get my sister and I stockings and I sort DD1 and 2’s and my DH’s stockings. Every year, my mum has ended up buying more for me and my sister because adult presents are smaller and she’s very generous.

This year, I spoke to her about it and set a limit for both of us to stick to. DD2 won’t notice or care but DD1 is 7 and starts to wonder why we have more than her in our stockings if Santa brings them all. I told my mum that it was absolutely fine if we didn’t have that many but no more so DC are finishing last.

Could you have the conversation with SIL and ask how many presents she’s putting in? Say it’s because you don’t want the children to be confused so want to compromise on both sets of traditions.

We had something like this come up as kids. All the cousins were staying together for a big family Christmas.
My mum told us that Santa can magically find you wherever you are, so our presents would be at our grandparents’ house.
My aunt told her kids that Santa would have left their presents at their house because he wouldn’t know they’d gone somewhere else but that they’d bring the presents from the family with them.

We were all between 7-10 at the time. Because it was my first and only Christmas spent with my cousins I just remember it being loads of fun. We all played with each other’s toys (they got hungry hippos).

I think so long as the present discrepancy isn’t massive, it should be fine.
If it is, I’d leave a couple of presents back home and say ‘Santa’s elves have told me they accidentally left some of your presents at our house’ or something. Even if they don’t quite believe it, knowing they have more presents back home might be fun.

@SarahDippity I love this idea, too!

@givethatbabyaname

Wow. I wouldn't be going. Sorry but your children come first.

Oh Lord . That’s so depressing.

I’m so glad I wasn’t the only one to think so.

Absolutely the children come first. Which is why (I’m guessing) OP is working hard to make sure her DC gets a wonderful christmas with grandparents and cousins at the same time as having the magic of FC maintained for all.

If you think staying at home alone just so that DC can have LOADS of presents without mum and dad having to be a bit inventive is putting the children first, I feel a bit sorry for you…

Because she is flying in she might have done some presents at home last time anyway. I would firstly have a chat with her, at those ages they might not believe and might need to be warned not to spoil it for your 8yr old. Also she needs to consider whether if they no longer believe if they want to play along for your children. Secondly I think probably leaving some at home and having some parity on the day especially thinking about some things they could do together while they are there might be nice.

I think your DH's suggestion of saying that Santa had delivered some presents to your house is perfect. And will spread out the Christmas joy for longer.

I’d definitely suggest doing stockings for all the children ( to save her luggage), and if she isn’t keen on that, slightly alter the stockings so they need cooperation - put games in there such as top trumps, or a big bag of stretchy robots etc so they can all enjoy them together.

I absolutely wouldn’t be doing that “blind pile and swap” suggestion - it’s a recipe for disaster.

Your DH’s suggestion is a good one. Maybe he could check with your SIL if her DC still believe or not? I think that could be a good way to have a wee chat about what their expectations are.

Why don’t you do a single “blind” Christmas “stocking”: put a bunch of things, whatever you’d spend per child normally, all wrapped up in shapes and sizes that don’t give the game away, in a pile on a Christmasy tablecloth at breakfast time. Do it on the floor or coffee table. Each kid takes a turn picking something out. Doesn’t matter if it’s age appropriate or not, they’ll swap anyway and it’ll be part of the fun - something they do together. It’ll be fun taking turns picking one out, guessing what it is, watching it being unwrapped, cooing over what it is etc. Just ask SIL to contribute her items or £ for you to buy them with. It’s only fair that you do the legwork, as you’re the one who cares about it.

This is a nice idea in theory but will 100% end in tears based on the ages of the children.

@DriftingBlue

This right here is why I have never compromised on Christmas morning at home. Mixing households just doesn’t work.

How far away are they. Could you do the morning at home and then head to the PILs for an extended stay?

Yes me too

To be honest, I'm with the SIL here. Do kids really need 10+ stocking fillers plus other presents.

The consumerism around Christmas is off the scale and is pretty sad to be honest. Plus it's terrible for the environment.

Also, it probably means more to you OP than your kids.

Surely the magic is in being all together after a long period.

I just wouldn't go personally but then I have always been baffled by the concept of having to leave your own home for others at Xmas.

I wouldn't change or tone down my Xmas gifting for anyone, my only responsibility is to my own children (especially if I was already dragging them away from the comfort of home) and if others choose to do a minimalist Xmas for their own children that's not my problem or fault or even my concern although I agree it must suck for the kids.

I would just take a gift for them as you would as an aunt anyway (maybe DC can get or make them token gifts too) but personally I wouldn't try to even out presents or make them stockings as that feels like trying to step on their toes as they clearly choose this minimal Xmas parenting path.

Just as they shouldn't interfere with what you do for your kids you shouldn't interfere with what they do for theirs - if their kids notice a difference and ask then its their job to explain it.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

To be honest, I'm with the SIL here. Do kids really need 10+ stocking fillers plus other presents.

The consumerism around Christmas is off the scale and is pretty sad to be honest. Plus it's terrible for the environment.

Also, it probably means more to you OP than your kids.

Surely the magic is in being all together after a long period.

Being together

Believe it or not, millions of us see our loved ones regularly (families for life not just for Xmas) and some people unfortunately, don't even have loved ones anymore or can't be with loved ones (way to rub it in their faces) so Xmas is not remotely about that at all.

In fact, for us Xmas is about NOT having to drag our kids around to make others happy, it is the one day of the year we are off-limits and a nuclear family only.

@mam0918

So Christmas is just consumerism to you. How lovely.

I probably wouldn’t go for Christmas Day if your style is that different - join for boxing dat?

Or, just do an extra dollop of early or late Santa

Look for local children’s entertainers that do Elf house visits. Then get an elf to come to your house a couple of days befire Christmas, “Santa sent your presents early as he knows that you’re going to be away from home on Christmas Day”.