Is it ever fair to spend more on one child?

[Footballkids]

I have a 13yo and a 6yo.

I'm thinking that we are going to end up spending more on the 13yo this year. There are a few things I'd like to get him, they are all quite expensive, but some are clothing items. A branded hoodie from JD for example can be pricey so stuff like that is usually given as gifts.

My 6yo really doesn't need anything, but will end up with a nice few presents as toys are cheaper and some things can be bought second hand and he'd never know the difference. So his gifts will actually look like more. Youngest tends to get more clothing bought throughout the year because it's cheaper, grown out of faster and cheaper aside to buy for.

Anyway I'm rambling but I'm sure you'll know what I mean.

We have a guide budget and whilst I try to ensure it's roughly equitable I don't count the pennies. If one child would be thrilled with something for £40 but another's was nearer £60 I wouldn't spend the £20 difference for the sake of it.

And, as they get older it does (can?) get more expensive. I'd be genuinely surprised if your 6 year old even noticed. If they did and made a fuss about it, I'd be questioning my parenting first rather than their behaviour.

I spend loads more on my 11 year old than 4 year old. You can buy 4 or 5 Barbies and My Little Ponies for the cost of one Nintendo game. And the 4 year old is much more excited about a big pile of boxes to open.

Of course it is! Get them what they want and need. Cost is irrelevant. Fairness for the sake of fairness is just wasteful. A 6 year old isn't going to realise what a hoodie costs.

Spend more on your 13 year old now knowing when your 6 year old becomes a teen you will need to spend more on him then. Just don't discuss prices of gifts with children.

Not Xmas OP but my eldest son bought house in North East and I gave him £8.5k for deposit, that was 10 percent. My younger son wants to buy a house closer to home and will need more like £18k deposit, also about 10 percent to buy his home as he earns less than elder son. I don't feel bad as both given about 10 percent deposit. However both friends and my sister are outraged I have given my younger son more. Both sons are happy which is all that matters to me. I will even up through will when I die.

@caringcarer

Not Xmas OP but my eldest son bought house in North East and I gave him £8.5k for deposit, that was 10 percent. My younger son wants to buy a house closer to home and will need more like £18k deposit, also about 10 percent to buy his home as he earns less than elder son. I don't feel bad as both given about 10 percent deposit. However both friends and my sister are outraged I have given my younger son more. Both sons are happy which is all that matters to me. I will even up through will when I die.

Well that's hardly the same. Unless both your dc were aware that the terms were 10% prior to choosing a home then of course a 10k disparity in helping out your children will raise an eyebrow.

We never totted up like this. DC had different needs at different ages. Over time it evens out.

Each child turns from a budget junior to a pricey teen and into a rational adult (mostly!)

Definitely. I try to keep to roughly the same number of presents for my 2, but one year DD got a phone, DS didn't get anything that expensive. The next year DS got an Xbox and DD got less expensive presents. I think at the age of 6 they are less aware how much things cost(and probably don't see a hoodie as an attractive present anyway!)

@caringcarer

Not Xmas OP but my eldest son bought house in North East and I gave him £8.5k for deposit, that was 10 percent. My younger son wants to buy a house closer to home and will need more like £18k deposit, also about 10 percent to buy his home as he earns less than elder son. I don't feel bad as both given about 10 percent deposit. However both friends and my sister are outraged I have given my younger son more. Both sons are happy which is all that matters to me. I will even up through will when I die.

That’s not the same thing at all! Both your sons have the same need, housing, they just adjust their budget to what they can afford.

They also have full understanding of your money gifts. Not the same thing than a 6yo who doesn’t understand that his brother’s branded sweatshirt is worth more than a small toy - to him the toy is worth even more!

That’s not the same thing at all! Both your sons have the same need, housing, they just adjust their budget to what they can afford

Just getting on the bottom rung costs wildly different amounts in different parts of the country. That isn't something you can address by "adjusting their budget".

Its fine

I’ll never forget one year I asked for a personal CD player to replace my Walkman for Xmas. My sister asked for something completely different so come Christmas morning I opened my cd player and was delighted… until my sister opened the gift she had asked for AND a CD player. No amount of being told mine was better quality meant any difference to me at 9 years old.

The moral of my story being you really don’t have to spend the same amount on each so long as it feels fair

Ours are adults now and we had a 6.5 yr age gap , we have never spent the same amount on Christmas or birthdays . We have never had a set budget and I figure eventually it will even itself out . When they were small we used to try and roughly match the number of presents . It’s never caused us any problems , our children aren’t and never have been money orientated .

It's fine. I've happened to get my 8yo's main present half price- I'm not gonna get him two of them!

My autistic 7yo is getting what he wants more than anything, a complete set of soft toys from his favourite tv show. They've been discontinued so I've got them all from eBay. Total cost about £30. He will be so delighted by them that he will ignore every other toy in the house.

His little sister is getting a Kindle Fire.

Neither of them knows or cares how much any of it cost, so we don't either.

I spend different on mine each year. It will all even out eventually. Probably different if they are close in ages but with a 9 & 15 year old. What the oldest wants costs way more then the 9 year old but she’ll probably have more actual gifts.

Plus her hobby costs way more over the year then his, so again evens stuff out.

I rarely spend the same on my two. They are now teens and never mention one getting more than the other, though dd has ASD and doesn’t really understand money. Last year dd1 got a iPad costing £400 plus a few other bits (mainly clothes) and dd2 got a couple Lego sets that cost around £150. This year DD1 has only asked for one thing that’s £50 where as DD2 wants more Lego and costing £150. I try and make it so they have a similar number of gifts to open but I don’t think they are really that bothered as long as they get the one thing they asked for.

A 13 year old is going to want things that cost more, you can get a lot more for your money buying for a 6 year old but I’m sure the 6 year old won’t care how much their gifts cost in comparison to the 13 year olds.

Unfortunately as they get older it's gets more expensive. I've had to spend more on the eldest then the younger ones but they have had the same amount of presents even if I have had to separate a pack of two branded tops 🤣 your younger one won't miss out as they will have the same when they get older.

@Jujujuly

Of course! My 3 year old is getting way more than my 1 year old this year, because 1 year old has got all of 3 year old’s toys handed down and doesn’t really need anything or understand what’s going on. With such a big age gap your kids’ needs are totally different. Fair doesn’t have to mean exactly the same.

Same here! I've literally bought the 11 month a couple of things and I'm asking family to give him money that bill spend on an annual pass for local attraction. I'll wrap up some other toys we have in the loft so it looks like he has more and so four year old realises it's not just about him

I have never once added up the actual cost of the presents for my two. I always aimed for an equal amount of “wow”. Which meant items that could cost very different amounts.

@caringcarer

Not Xmas OP but my eldest son bought house in North East and I gave him £8.5k for deposit, that was 10 percent. My younger son wants to buy a house closer to home and will need more like £18k deposit, also about 10 percent to buy his home as he earns less than elder son. I don't feel bad as both given about 10 percent deposit. However both friends and my sister are outraged I have given my younger son more. Both sons are happy which is all that matters to me. I will even up through will when I die.

I think this is totally different. The OP is talking about kids who don't know the value of money and will have a disparity of under £100. I would also be raising my eyebrows at a disparity of many thousands between adults who are aware and in need of that money.

As long as it is in no way obvious.

Definitely not necessary to spend the same. I bought my then 16 year old a Macbook to see them through A levels and university. My younger children were still in primary school and didn’t need/warrant that amount of money spending in them.

I disagree, I would never spend more on one than the other.

My oldest probably did get more spent on him when little before he had siblings because we didn't have internet or transport so was limited and learning how to do Xmas but he also got more charity shop/2nd hand stuff since he had siblings it's always been the same set amount.

It will change when he hits adulthood (no more Santa sack etc...) but it will even out by getting more spent on his gifts from us and stocking.

Inequality and favoritism doesn't fly in my house and people spout crap like 'it evens out' but it rarely does, I know so many people that are bitter and have issues from parents blatant favoritism that they feel never 'evened out' that I call bull on the idea kids don't notice or care.