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Original poster

Anyone know how to deal with rellies who are chronically late at Xmas

85 replies

vincettenoir · 02/10/2021 17:13

Xmas lunch at my parents home is very chaotic. My siblings are very late (think 2 to 3 hours) and it is stressful waiting for them getting increasingly hangrier while elderly parents spin out with chaotic energy.

I am toying spending this Xmas with my side of the family. But I don’t like the status quo. I don’t want to host as everyone will turn up late and never leave.

I have thought about suggesting going out for lunch but I think the lateness will be a problem again.

Does anyone have a similar problem that they have worked out how to deal with?

OP posts:
Doomscrolling · 02/10/2021 19:23

@HollowTalk

But then there is a huge palaver if they arrive while you are eating. You have to get everything out of the oven again and your own meal is spoilt. And then do you set the table for everyone or just for those who are there? I just wouldn't want to spend Christmas day with them.
No palaver at all!

“Sorry, you’ve missed dinner. When we’re finished I can help you plate up if you like.”

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2021 19:26

Actually I have a plan...

Take all the bits of the dinner you like (pigs in blankets, for example) and have them as canapes over the course of the day before they arrive. Just turkey, brussels and mash for dinner. Which you will be 'too stuffed' to eat.

Mmmmmmmmm.

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 19:29

@vincettenoir

Xmas lunch at my parents home is very chaotic. My siblings are very late (think 2 to 3 hours) and it is stressful waiting for them getting increasingly hangrier while elderly parents spin out with chaotic energy.

I am toying spending this Xmas with my side of the family. But I don’t like the status quo. I don’t want to host as everyone will turn up late and never leave.

I have thought about suggesting going out for lunch but I think the lateness will be a problem again.

Does anyone have a similar problem that they have worked out how to deal with?

If people are disorganized with food, I say I'll pop in but I won't eat with you. Then I can eat to my own schedule and be unaffected by their orgazational abilities.

If I'm hosting I text a rough schedule (eg presents opening at 11am, dinner at 2pm etc, it's not a rigidly detailed itinerary for the whole day) then stick to it regardless of whether they're there or not. I'll do dishes on centre of table and you serve yourself. Apart from possibly having to answer the door mid-meal, I'm then not affected by their orgazational abilities. If they don't like it they can damn well organise themselves better!

When it's time to leave (which they'll already have an idea of from the texted schedule, the big hint being no more things listed) I find telling them I'm going to need to put them out in half hour, asking if they want a cup of tea first, then in half hour announcing its time to leave, works well.

Hardbackwriter · 02/10/2021 19:30

@MurielSpriggs

The problem with the dinner-at-X-whether-you're-here-or-not approach is that you're setting up the whole event to be confrontational and to have a horrible atmosphere when whoever is there sits down to eat at 2pm sharp, but aunty Maude isn't comfortable with it and keeps saying "let's wait five mins" but you shove her turkey in front of her anyway, then no one really relaxes, the latecomers arrive in dribs and drabs variously apologetic and affronted that you're eating without them. Do you serve them? So they get their own? Do they sit in the other room? The whole thing will be an ongoing argument!
This. It sounds satisfying, and I agree it would be what they deserved, but the problem is that you'll all have a horrible day to make a point. And you absolutely can't insist on this in someone else's house - and I would bet that if you try the parents will crumble and insist on waiting anyway.
Goldbar · 02/10/2021 19:32

Tell them Christmas dinner is at 2pm and serve it at 5pm.

FluffyWhiteBird · 02/10/2021 19:38

@TeapotCollection

Bollocks to that. We go away to avoid all this shit, just the two of us a couple of hours drive away in a holiday flat overlooking the sea
Sounds lovely 🙂
Honeyroar · 02/10/2021 19:51

Tell them they’re hosting it this year.

Tulips15 · 02/10/2021 19:57

@Thebookswereherfriends

Why not just have your own meal at your house and then go and visit for a couple of hours at your parent’s?
I would do this
MyrealnameisBernard · 02/10/2021 20:37

I honestly can't believe this is true. How would you even manage keeping a lunch warm or not feeding those who were already there?

BlackAlys · 02/10/2021 20:49

I think that serving canapés and a light meal at 2 would be perfect then dinner at 5. Tell them
that dinner is at 2.

On the other hand, if they have little ones then they are placing an unreasonable expectation on you and themselves by setting time limits on their day. They should stay at home.

sueelleker · 03/10/2021 11:06

@HollowTalk

The trouble is that if they don't know what time the relatives will turn up, you can bet your life they will turn up just as the family starts to eat. That would really piss me off to have my meal interrupted.
In which case they'd have to wait until we'd finished. I certainly wouldn't leave my food to get cold.
Fallhappy1 · 04/10/2021 17:26

I'd just eat without them tbh. 3 hours late is absolutely ridiculous.

ChristmasLightsAndSparkles · 05/10/2021 17:31

Tell them they’re hosting it this year

Problem with that is that you then have no control over the schedule, and are likely to get hungry!!

Think you have to somehow organise the day so that it doesn't matter when they turn up. I like the idea of light lunch then proper Xmas Dinner in the evening.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow That's really awful Sad. Is your DSIS still with him?

isitjustlockdown · 05/10/2021 17:45

I wouldn't bother pandering to them. They get their arses there on time or they don't eat.

Don't bother pretending it's an earlier time, or waiting till they arrive to start cooking or any other such nonsense. They are grown ups, if they can't get there on time they go without.

Or save the whole stress and just go out for dinner. Most places take payment in advance for Christmas Day. Maybe shelling out £70+ a head might focus their minds on the time. Just make sure they pay for themselves, don't let say you pay now and we pay you back on the day.

Continuously late people are rude, and to be 2-3 hours late for a big meal, just shows a complete lack of consideration or care for others.

thelegohooverer · 05/10/2021 21:49

When we’re hosting the punctually challenged side of the family we have a fry for breakfast and a later lunch and I advise people of meal times on an individual basis - one particular person is always told that lunch is up to two hours earlier than I plan to serve up.

But, once the meal is ready I serve up, whether it’s Christmas Lunch or Tuesday’s dinner - I consider it extremely disrespectful to the cook not to sit to the table when expected. I plate up for anyone late and they get it out of the oven when they turn up.

I don’t mind accommodating our family’s idiosyncrasies because there’s no malice in it. But only up to a point.

RedToothBrush · 05/10/2021 21:55

Get them to host. When they say turn up at 12pm, be there for 6.30am.

Then drop hints all day about how rude it is when people turn up late.

Ionlydomassiveones · 05/10/2021 21:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

VestaTilley · 05/10/2021 22:45

Can you ring them and gently suggest they arrive on time? Say as your parents are ageing they need to eat on time.

Or, ask them to come at 10am when you really want them at 12, so they might actually be there on time.

Or just eat when you and your parents are ready, and if your siblings are late then maybe they’ll learn to be more courteous in future.

Or invite your parents to yours, and don’t invite your siblings. No way would I put up with this rudeness for years on end.

Jumpingintchristmas · 06/10/2021 00:15

Honestly I wouldn’t invite them. Ask your parents if you wish and enjoy Christmas lunch at a reasonable hour.

episcomama · 06/10/2021 00:26

I feel your pain. My SIL and her husband were always like this - and everyone panders to it, saying, "Thats just Jane!" Etc. When we hosted we told everyone what time to arrive and what time we'd be eating (an hour later) and we stuck to it. "Jane" and her husband walked in as late as usual and we were halfway through the starters.

She has never been late since 😀

Longbarn5 · 06/10/2021 06:28

To be honest, it is really rude of them to be so late with no good reason. They must realise that someone has been slaving away, cooking lunch and trying to keep it nice for them. I would personally be very, very annoyed. I would say to them 'We will have lunch at ..... so probably best if you come in the afternoon, as I know you find it hard to sort yourselves out and get ready to get here on Christmas day' I would say this in a lighthearted way, so they got tge idea without tge full force of my agitation,

ivykaty44 · 06/10/2021 06:32

Plate up dinner and you agree to have dinner at 3pm

If you’re late we can pop yours in the microwave when you get here. That is what you tell them, we are not waiting for you.

Sit down and enjoy your meal

When they arrive pop there in the microwave- either they’ll be upset- but they were warned and not do it again.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/10/2021 07:05

It may be awkward the first time you eat without them, but they are unlikely to do it again if they know you are serious do I would just eat at the planned time. Plate up their dinners and either leave them in the oven on low or let them microwave them when they arrive.

The fact that they didn’t get to choose the bits they like themselves and that a warmed up dinner is never as nice as a fresh hot one make make them think twice for next year.
You could save yourself 30 years of pain by ensuring it one time

PoshWatchShitShoes · 06/10/2021 09:44

Tell them the time you're eating and then eat at that time. They'll be rude to turn up late and aren't reasonable to expect you to wait and ruin a perfectly hot dinner

Frostine · 06/10/2021 09:49

100% selfish of them for turning up late . I'd tell your mother to plate up the meal and they can have it when they arrive. Or I'd say having them around the table is obviously more important than the rest of the families enjoyment so you'd rather stay at home.