Christmas hosting.... But I need a break!!

[Blablabla1984]

For the last 7 years we've hosted Christmas. PIL, my BIL and SIL come on Christmas Eve and stay till the 27th.
It's been lovely but I need a break!!

We have a 6 and 1 year old and my BIL and SIL have a 5m old baby now. PIL wouldn't host because their house is a mess, they wouldn't sort it so it's a bit of a danger trap for kids. BIL and SIL are in 1 bedroom apt so it would be a bit tight (hence why hosting gravitated to us).
I'd love to see everyone but also the amounts of food we have to sort for 4 days, cleaning the house before they come and after they leave and all the hosting bit is a bit much after 7 years.

I guess I feel like this as we've had a baby in the past year so of course with sleep deprivation, breastfeeding and getting busier I would want someone else to host us. What to do? Also, if we end up hosting again (which I suppose we will due to the reasons stated above), are there ways to make things easier on us?

I would just explain that you're having a quiet Christmas this year. No other explanation needed. You can all meet up on boxing day at a restaurant( in the middle of where everyone lives), for a meal together?

@Justmuddlingalong

Tell everyone to make there own plans this year as you're having a year off. Everyone else has an excuse and is using it to put the onus on you. You're giving them plenty of notice, so do it today instead of spending the next few months mithering about it.

Excellent advice!

You’re pussy-footing around people who have no qualms about stamping all over the place with you.

Why are you being so tentative and cautious? They’re not being.

Hosting Christmas is expensive and a massive effort. They are being monumentally rude by turning up every year for days on end, to be fed, watered and waited on, without contributing.

It is actually OK to say no to this, without being rude and without it being any sort of drama.

I suspect you won’t, though.

@Driftingblue

Do BIL and SIL even want to stay at yours for 4 days now that they have a child of their own? They may want to start their own traditions and let their child have Christmas morning at home. Plus they may not want the hassle of caring for their little one in hour spare room.

Exactly. I think SIL is the first person you need to be talking to - say to her, look, Christmas the way we've done it before seems a bit much. What would you prefer to do in an ideal world, what would your Christmas period be like now you've got the baby? Then if she admits she's dreading travelling with the little one you can have a really useful discussion about when and where to meet up and for how long, and present it to everyone else as a fait accompli.

If she sounds like she would really appreciate being able to get away from their small flat over Christmas, then you can steer the discussion to, what would you two best be able to help with?, or sound her out on finding a cottage you'd all share, or prewarn her that it's not going to work as before, or whatever.

As mothers of infants I think you two should have the final say in what you have to cope with!!

So it’s 3 families and 4 days?

Either cancel completely or eat out on 24th
PIL provide and prepare all food, that’s all of it not just lunch, for 25, bil 26th and you 27th. You get the easiest day because it’s your house and you’ve done the lot for years.

Tell them now you are not hosting, if they sulk they sulk, but you’ve done enough.

I think it is lovely that everyone is giving you solutions and compromises, but the fact that you are thinking of this 15 weeks before the event, mean that you really don't want to do it.

And if that is the case, don't. No hotels, no restaurants, no boxing day.

I don't know how you have managed to now even!

Solutions we have enjoyed over the years:

My favourite: Christmas Eve afternoon tea and drinks starting at 1.45pm everyone goes home at the end
Christmas cottage: We visited everyone in the morning and had lunch on our own
Restaurant: Less of a success as the service was rubbish, food even worse
A Christmas day out: Brilliant fun and quiet christmas was lovely

I think you want a family christmas, and enjoy the company but you don't want all of the work, mess etc which is fair enough, but given they can't do it according to you then you have to make a decision.

If you must go ahead, cut it down to one night only. With PIL in charge of Boxing day Brunch.

I agree with stepupandbecounted

Cut it to one night and ask PIL to arrange brunch. Ask SIL to arrange puddings. I find it works better to delegate defined meals/tasks. Ask everyone to bring their own bedding so you only have bottom sheets to launder. Make sure that whoever is primarily responsible for cooking the main meal doesn’t clean up after.

Oh, and cut yourself some slack on the cleaning. It doesn’t sound like PIL have high standards and if your SIL did, I’m sure they will no longer be high now they have a baby!

Here's how I would do it:

24th - pub lunch, then cold buffet on Christmas Eve - SIL and BIL can bring a selection of pre-made stuff from M&S or somewhere

25th - buy some frozen croissants for breakfast that you can put in the oven, you do lunch, SIL and BIL do cheese/dessert and PIL bring all booze. Everyone can help with prepping veg, etc. Dinner is leftovers, everyone can help themselves.

26th - cereal/toast for help yourself breakfast, PIL sort lunch. Soup and bread rolls for dinner (I would make and freeze soup in advance so it just needs heating up).

27th - bacon sandwiches for breakfast (SIL and BIL can bring bacon and bread) and then they can all be on their way home.

Assuming that the women are sorting the food (as that how it usually seems to go), the men are in charge of all of the washing up.

Didn’t you have a year off last Christmas??

If you do host, massively cut down.

Drinks and mince pies from 7pm on Christmas Eve.

Croissants for Christmas Day breakfast.

Dinner - you do main
Family 1 provides drinks
Family 2 provides dessert/cheeseboard.

Buffet tea

Everyone pitches in. Give instructions.

They fuck off home after a Boxing Day breakfast of your choice!

Be more forthright and cut down the invitation.

“With 2 children now we need to streamline what we do at Christmas to be less stressful and keep the children in their routine (or whatever other excuse will wash). So why don’t you arrive for mid morning drink on the 25th. MIL/FIL please could you bring the veggies ready to be cooked and some wine. SIL/BIL please could you bring a pudding and a cheese board. Then you’re very welcome to stay for Boxing Day, we’ll have a buffet lunch and walk off the Christmas excesses afterwards before you go home.”

@Airyfairymarybeary

Didn’t you have a year off last Christmas??

Yeah, back into the kitchen woman, you’re not due another year off until 2027!

If you don't want to host then don't. Who does the cooking? Is it left to you or does your husband do an equal share? You have a very young child so others should be offering to host.

@thelastgoldeneagle

Tell them now: 'We enjoyed last Christmas in lockdown so much that we'd like a quiet Xmas again this year. It's too much to host you all for four days, especially with a newborn. Instead, you're all welcome to come for meal/walk/something else on .

I like this suggestion. Hiowever, after not being able to be together last Christmas, ILs might be looking forward to this one all together so you need to address it ASAP OP.

Or you need to find a compromise you would be happy with and then DH needs to help you be assertive.
Is there any chance of them getting an airbnb together near you so that you don't have to have them stay in yours?
I think it's acceptable to say that you find it difficult with a young family to do all the shopping, entertaining and prep, so you need them to bring x, y, z and a pinny!

Just say no. Have a Christmas just you, dh and the kids this year. No point complaining you need a break and then still playing martyr.

@LivingLaVidaBabyShower

I have the same set up and refuse to be a Christmas cancelling grinch or a Christmas slave elf.

And I dont care if anyone thinks i am a bossy cow assertive

I do three key things

1. Give clear arrival and departure times

(24th evening arrival 27th am departure at the lastest).

1. Give clear tasks and rules when in the home

-they make and strip their own beds (unless my DH is nice enough to do it for them)

• breakfast is toast or cereal only except on xmas morning
• if you use it you put it in the dishwasher
• one mug per person per day.
• its not a hotel, everyone helps. So we direct people as we go "tim can you set the table as i am about to serve" "Dan can you top up drinks?" "sue can you help load the dishwasher while i clear the table please?"

1. We give clear lists of food items to bring because i am not spending £600 on a miserable christmas. We provide a huge amount but get people to contribute items

Eg. BiL case of wine (6 red, min 2 malbec min 2 sancerre, rest is dealers choice) Sil cheese board crackers and chutney 8 cheeses 3 hard 3 soft (include brie cheddar etc. Mil salmon for 6 people min weight x grams and blinis and creme fraiche Fil half case champagne etc

It works really well tbh and I everyone enjoys christmas

Agree completely with this @LivingLaVidaBabyShower

It's taken a long time for me to stop being the 'Christmas Slave Elf' because it's too easy just to say 'oh, don't worry about bringing anything... I'm fine, you go and sit down... it's all nearly done now...' It's also bloody expensive, particularly when you start buying all of the nice treats.

Christmas Eve arrival - large gammon with either mash, chips or even rolls to make hot sandwiches. Someone brings a dessert.

Christmas Day - breakfast is bacon rolls, some fruit/yogurt/granola (I usually make a big jar of stewed fruit that lasts for a few days), croissants/toast.

We do a snacky lunch - often just some frozen party food with a glass of fizz and then a later dinner. Everyone mucks in doing the vegetables and someone else brings the Christmas pudding / chocolate log. We don't bother with a starter.

Boxing Day - turkey/gammon leftovers, some salad, shop-bought quiche, cheeseboard (someone else brings please - along with crackers, chutney etc.)

27th - quick breakfast and everyone leaves.

We do meals 'serve yourself style' so no plating dinners. Apart from Christmas dinner all the cutlery goes in a nice pot on the table and people can help themselves to what they need (cuts down on washing up). Leave the dishwasher tablets out and ask people to run it for mugs etc. on a regular basis.

If you can afford it I'd book a cleaning service for after Christmas. I don't mind the arrival cleaning but hate doing it afterwards. Actually, book both!

@Airyfairymarybeary

Didn’t you have a year off last Christmas??

…people still celebrated Christmas last year.

Last year it was just us which made me think how nice and stress free it was!!

I think we'll just ask everyone to come for the day and task them with pudding/side dish. And if people don't want to travel on Christmas day we can see them on Boxing day or throughout the festive period. Thanks all x

That's a great result blabla

Really you shouldn't be doing all the work.

And it really is ok to say "no, we are having a quiet little family Xmas this year as we've been hosting so many years already and now have young children ourselves. You're welcome for lunch on Boxing Day if you bring pudding/ cook the meat/ bring starters already cooked.."

Your family will not fall apart if they have to have Xmas Day left to their own devices!! You can always FaceTime (or WhatsApp video chat) each other. That's what we did during lockdown xmas! No one suffered

I host every Xmas since I was pregnant with second child. But my DM helps so much - by ordering and arriving early with all the xmas meat, and food towards the other meals; she helps in the kitchen ; and when I've been unwell she cooks it all! (Insisting I sit down "for a change" )

She also sends my dad into the garden to rake leaves and she turns up a few days early with her gloves to help me clean house, (& changes sheets and remakes beds after everyone for me!) , etc.

If my mum wasn't so lovely and helpful, I wouldn't have done it every year. And if my Dsis - who didn't cook & had a restricted diet- wasn't so funny and good with all my young DCs, taking over child entertainment whilst I cooked all the many meals, she wouldn't have been invited every year to stay over too.

I think we'll just ask everyone to come for the day and task them with pudding/side dish.
Good idea, still taking a lot of preparation but one is going to be better than three.
I think they're CF arriving year after year without pudding or a meal plan for one night.
If I didn't have the space at home I'd bring most of the food and offer to cook the rest there as a thank you for your hospitality and space.

@Tiana4 That is a joint effort. I'd invite her for every occasion.

@Tiana4 Your mum sounds wonderful!!!!!