Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

Original poster

my SIL wants to buy ONE of my DDs a BIKE...but not the other

61 replies

noonar · 29/11/2007 20:44

not sure how to handle this.

i have 2 dds, aged 5 and 3. the 5 year old gets far more attention from the inlaws and is closer to them/ spends more time with them than dd2. i feel very aware and sensitive about this. i have tried to (subtly) broach the subject with them, and tried to suggest ways redress the balance.

now my sil has ordered a £100 bike for dd1 for xmas- through her dp- who is hugely into bikes. dd2 doesnt need a bike, as she got one for her birthday. so, she's just getting a regular sized xmas present, with a pledge of a bigger bike when she needs it. this, incidently, wont be for at least 2 years- and i suspect it wont materialise at all.

sil came over today and i admittd that i had issues about the girls getting presents that were not of equal value. sil said that it was important for her too, to make it fair, and that dd1 would get a bike too, when needed.

i really dont wont to upset sil, and told her that if she made it a joint xmas/ bday present, that i'd feel a bit better about it.

am still not happy, though, and dont understand why they would want to get them such 'unequal' presents. sil said that she wsnt offended by my honesty and that she 'always takes things in a good way/ isnt offended'0- but i think that WE are the ones who should be offended, on dd2's behalf

how would you handle this??

OP posts:
llareggub · 29/11/2007 20:49

Surely at 3 years old, your daughter will have no concept of material worth? I think you should be happy that your SIL is willing to buy such a great present.

As for the perceived favouritism, is it because your family spent more time with the eldest before DD2 came along, so know her better? Just a thought.

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 20:51

i'd be delighted if she was getting both my children great presents.

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 20:56

also, dd1 has quite a good understanding of how much things cost. she would know that her present was much more expensive than her sister's.

OP posts:
WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 20:58

I think the offence is only perceived by you, on behalf of DD2, noonar. Christmas shouldn't be just about money.

Your SIL is being fair and sensible - DD2 doesn't need a bike, and when she does she will get one; she will presumably be delighted with whatever gift your SIL does get for her, and will see the logic in the fact that she doesn't need a bike now because she has one already. If SIL just gave DD2 a selection box every year or something, but regularly spent £100 on DD1, you might be justified in detecting favouritism

Have you broached this with your DH?

WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 21:01

If DD1 does start talking about her present being more expensive (ie "better") than DD2's, she should be gently discouraged. If she doesn't then it isn't a problem.

I do understand, because my SIL used to give our kids money for their birthdays; eg at 2 they would get £2 and at 5 £5, which drove me nuts - but it was done in all innocence and although I used to whinge about it DH never let me say anything; once she had a child herself all that stopped

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:02

wendy, i know its not just about money, and if i had my way, we'd stick to a budget of £10 a person. sil is pushing the boundaries of present buying to the extreme. she is an auntie, not a parent. i dont think she should be buying presents of this calibre. children these days have too much- dd1 included!

and how can it be right to spend 4 times more on one child than the other? surely its just not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:14

also, this needs to be seen in context. dh quite recently confided in her in a v diplomatic way, that we feel sad that dd2 is often overlooked by all the inlaws. now this...

OP posts:
WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 21:30

The "fairness", or lack of it, will really and truly not be seen by children of 3 and 5. You can't make your SIL do what you want, and as long as your DD2 gets a lovely present that she is delighted with both girls will be happy.

Do you really want SIL to spend £100 on DD2, on principle? It's a dangerous road to go down and might make your DDs start comparing everything they get for value and whinging if they're not exactly equal.

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:34

no i dont want sil to spend £100 on dd2. i want her to spend less on dd1.

i dont care if the value isnt exactly equal, but i think its not right to give a huge present to one and a token to the other.

geez, i must be missing something. thought this was a no brainer. you just dont treat siblings so diferently, in my opinion.

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:40

ok , am bumping this in he hope that someone, before i go to bed, agrees with me that this is just not fair.

OP posts:
WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 21:45

Does DD1 not need a new bike?

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:47

she has one that is the right size for her, but we chose it badly. it has a fixed wheel, so the pedals rotate at the same speed as the wheels, and you cant free wheel, even down hill. the pedals hit you in the shins, iyswim.

OP posts:
motherhurdicure · 29/11/2007 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:50

motherh, you are not serious??

OP posts:
WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 21:51

Oh, motherh

That is just nasty

noonar, I honestly don't know what you should do...

maximummummy · 29/11/2007 21:53

i see no reason why sil should spend the same on both your dd's - BUT if you dont want her to get her a bike because you want to buy her one tell her that - if she needs new bike and you don't want to get it let sil get it - i'm sure she'll make it up to dd2 when she's old enough to care or need new bike herself - i can't really see the problem

notnowbernard · 29/11/2007 21:55

I think I would have to just say to sil, sorry, really do not want you to spend £100 on dd, it's far too much money... full stop. That would be my main bug-bear, tbh.

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 21:56

no reason, maxim? does noone else believe in the principle of fairness?

bernard, it is way too much. but they've ordered the bike already.

OP posts:
Rosie29 · 29/11/2007 21:58

Sorry..have to agree with the others! I have two dds- 3 and 1. My husband's family aren't huge present givers but tend to give to dd1. Recently my m-in-law came to stay and bought dd1 some new clothes, nothing for dd2 which doesn't bother me as I know she thinks that she'll wear the clothes eventually anyway and has lots from dd1.
dd2 is getting closer to this side of the family but they definitely feel closer to dd1 at the mo because they have had her around for longer. It isn't necessarily the way I'd treat them but everyone is different and I am pleased with anything anyone ever wants to give my dd's.
I do have a friend though who thinks this is all wrong and you should give equally- but I am the youngest of 3 and was forever in hand-me-downs etc until I was the last left and spoilt rotten,,it evens out in the end...don't stress!

WendyWeber · 29/11/2007 21:58

noonar, it's not unfair to buy a bike for a child that needs it and not buy one for a child that doesn't.

It's unequal, but that's different.

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 22:00

thanks, rosie, but my dd2 is 3.5. she starts school in september. she, and her nearly 6 year old sis will know that a bike is a really big present.

of course, if she was 1, i would accept the 'all evens out in the end' point of view, but she's old enough to notice.

OP posts:
maximummummy · 29/11/2007 22:01

of course i believe in the principle of fairness noonar BUT your dd's are not the same age are they?
if they were twins i would say it was unfair but they are 3 and 5 - out of interest do you spend the same ammount on them? do you buy the the same things?

Original poster
noonar · 29/11/2007 22:03

we spend roughly the same amount(£50) maxim. they now play together so nicely, we have bought different things that they will enjoy together. we didnt set out to achieve this, but its turned out that way.

OP posts:
oliveoil · 29/11/2007 22:04

my girls are 5 and 3 and have NO concept of the cost of things

dd1 gets new clothes all the time, dd2 doesn't as she gets the hand-me-downs

imo, as long as they both get a present from your SIL, it does not matter if one cost more than the other

maximummummy · 29/11/2007 22:05

i just don't feel any need to buy my kids(dd 13 & ds3)items to the same monetry? value i haven't a clue what i've spent - i've bought what they wanted and some but they don't ask for much and are normally very happy and appreciative of what they get (smile)